Voting Is Sexy

I thought I'd take a minute to encourage you to vote. I probably don't need to tell you that this is one of the most important elections of our time, and I hope you plan to cast your vote this Tuesday (or before, if you can vote early).

As election day draws closer, I've been taking some time to learn more about key issues being voted on in other states, particularly surrounding marriage laws and reproductive rights. As Elizabeth says over at Sex In the Public Square, "there is sex on the ballot all over the place." Check out Elizabeth's roundup of key propositions and amendments voters will be encountering this Tuesday. I'm particularly interested to see the outcome of Proposition K in San Francisco that would instruct cops to stop enforcing prostitution laws — a very important vote for sex workers rights. Check out YesOnPropK.org for more info.

Choose or lose,
MM

One and Done?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I'm curious about men and multiple orgasms. When I go down on my boyfriend and he gets off, sometimes I like to keep going to see if I can make him come again, but he tells me to stop because it feels like he has to pee. One time I pushed it, and yep, he peed!
Is it possible for him to have multiple orgasms? If so, how do I achieve this? Help, please!

Signed,
Anonymous

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Dear Anonymous,

Kudos to you for exploring the male multiple orgasm, but you're going about it the wrong way. Contrary to popular belief, male orgasm and ejaculation are two separate events. Even the most advanced male lovers generally cannot ejaculate two times in a row without a recovery period in between. If you want your man to experience a plethora of peaks, he will need to learn to keep from spilling his seed and, instead, to enjoy the physiological and spiritual benefits of the non-ejaculatory orgasm.

Just as women do Kegel exercises to strengthen their pelvic floor muscles, men must develop their PC muscles to experience multiple orgasms. Preparing for multiples entails lots of practice with getting to the "point of no return," then using the PC muscles to stop the flow of semen. Eventually, your guy could learn how to suppress ejaculation and enjoy the other benefits of loads of orgasms (pun intended). For more info and tips, check out this link.

And one more bit of advice: If you're not into water sports, stop fellating your boyfriend when he tells you he has to pee.

Multitasking,
MM

PS... If you have experience with the elusive male multiple, please share in the comments section. You can comment anonymously, just make up a name and skip the rest.

Tricks and Treats

With Halloween on a pre-election Friday this year, I think we're in for a wild night. I love Halloween because people use it as a free hall pass to be the person they wish they were the rest of the year — and that can make for an unforgettable evening.

Talking with friends the other day, we discussed our most memorable Halloween hookups. One friend recalled getting it on with the Tin Man, and I relayed my story about fooling around with a member of Blue Man Group — and we both vowed never to hook up with people wearing face paint ever again. Two of my gay male friends recalled having sex as Martina Navratilova and Mary Katherine Gallagher — not with each other, but that would have been hilarious.

What's the hottest and/or most bizarre Halloween costume you've ever had sex with? Or, perhaps you were the one wearing something memorable? Leave me a comment (you can be anonymous — just make up a name and skip the rest).

As for this year, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a three-way with Obama and Palin — or Tina Fey. I'm not picky.

Happy Halloween,
MM

Get Nastee

Don't know how to say "take a hike" to a suitor who doesn't measure up? Try sending him or her a note card that says, "No thanks. . . I have a vibrator" from Nastee Notes.

With messages like "Shut The F Up," "Thank you for bringing stupidity to a new level," and "1-800-YOU-NEED-HELP," Nastee Notes creator Vanessa Cavaco is finally providing the masses with greeting cards that more accurately describe our feelings for friends and family.

My favorite Nastee Note? "I love balls." Now that's classy.

Shop Nastee Notes here. (Via Boinkology.)

xoxo
MM

PS... Yes, the cards are bedazzled, but it's a Swarovski crystal. Fancy.

Up In Smoke?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I've been seeing a girl for five months. She's fun, interesting and intelligent. The main problem is her cigarette vice. I dislike everything about smoking and always considered the habit to be a "deal breaker" for me; however, I find myself still dating her despite her lack of effort to quit. I have been very patient and have politely told her my concerns. She agreed and said she wanted to quit and decided on a timeline to do so. The timeline has come and gone by a few months; she has stopped wearing the nicotine patches and continues to smoke. I obviously don't mind waiting a little longer, but I don't know what to do or say at this point. It seems inappropriate to say, "Call me when you quit smoking."

Sincerely,
Up in Smoke

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Dear Up in Smoke,

Smoking is a funny thing — while it's not a big deal for some people, it's a deal breaker for others. While it wouldn't be out of the question for you to say, "Call me when you quit smoking," I'm glad you're willing to be patient with her. After all, you were aware of her smoking habit when you began dating her, right?

As noble as it would be for her to quit for you, she has to want to put out the cigarette for herself. It's time to have another talk with her. Ask her to tell you honestly if she has the desire to quit. You may find that her "lack of effort" is really a lack of will. Or she may reiterate that she wants to quit and needs more time.

If you decide to continue seeing her, you’ll have to make that decision based on the person she is today, not the non-smoker you hope she'll become. She may try to quit many times and may fail at each attempt. To be a good boyfriend, you'll have to be ready to support her through as many timelines as it takes to quit. Until then, set up respectful smoking ground rules — no smoking indoors, and conscientious teeth brushing.

Smoking hot,
MM

Smell Ya Later

Chatting on the phone with a friend from NYC yesterday, he said a "magical New York moment" had just happened — the heat came on. It wasn't the sudden rush of warm air that hit him first, it was the smell of the old radiators kicking back to life after their summer hibernation. We discussed how scent has been scientifically deemed the most powerful nostalgia-generating sense we have. Sure, we recall things by seeing, hearing, tasting and touching, but smell — that's definitely my most powerful memory recall.

When it comes to relationships, smell memories can be a pleasant remembrance or like a sucker punch to the face, depending upon which smell is wafting your way. Like, if someone walks by smelling of sandalwood, I'm transported back to cozy times with my college girlfriend. But, if someone's wearing Calvin Klein's cKone, I'm likely to get violent.

Perfume or not, every human has a distinct smell — that's why dogs are able to track a missing person without getting confused by other humans. I'm no scientist, but from what I gather, it all has to do with pheromones — the chemicals present in animals that garner reactions from others in the species. You've heard the term "sexual chemistry," right? Well, according to many studies, a lot of chemistry comes from one's olfactory responders reacting to someone else's scent or pheromones. There's even a study from the University of Pennsylvania that says women are more relaxed and open to sex after smelling the armpits of a sweaty male. Personally, I find this to be completely true, and some of my gay male friends have also confirmed that a good, natural smelling armpit is the best aphrodisiac. I'm curious to know what lesbians would think of this study (as we all know, science likes to leave women who love women out of most studies).

How about you? Which smells turn you on? Which ones repulse you? Any thoughts on this "chemistry linked to scent" business? You can comment anonymously, if you prefer. Just make up a name and skip the email and website fields.

MM

Oral Inquiry

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I'm a young man in my mid-twenties with a pretty kickass girlfriend who I've been seeing for about four months. The sex is the best I've ever had (and I think the best she's ever had). But she doesn't let me go down on her. Every time I've tried, she squirms away and makes a face like she just smelled spoiled milk. I haven't said too much about it for fear that she has reasons she doesn't want to share, but I'm really jonesing to taste her. I really like this girl, and I want to be as close to her as possible. Help?

Signed,
Oral Optimist

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Dear O.O.,

For many women, receiving oral sex is an intensely intimate experience. For some, cunnilingus is even more intimate than intercourse, as it causes them to feel more vulnerable, exposed and out of control — all good things, if you're ready to experience them with your partner.

In all likelihood, your girl has bought into the myriad of marketing tactics that send a strong anti-vagina message to women. With all the advertising for douches, perfumes and scented wet-naps, it's a miracle that women are willing to take off their underwear. Or she could have had a negative oral experience with some jerk from her past.

Either way, the remedy is the same. Talk to her about her vagina — the more comfortable you are with her body, the more of it she'll share with you. Reassure her that you adore everything about her vagina — the feel, the smell, the wetness. Without being pushy, tell her how much you desire to be close to her most intimate body part. Gently encourage her to tell you what's up with the spoiled-milk face.

Once you've built up enough trust, your girl will most likely open up and either allow you to go down on her or explain why she's uncomfortable with oral. So you'll either be granted your deepest wish, or learn that you’ll have to respect her oral boundary.

Licks,
MM

 

It's a Small World

I had the funniest "small world" moment last night while doing research for a post on unusual body fetishes. I was originally interested in learning more about armpit fetishes and armpit sex (an act of "outercourse" where the phallus slides through a lubed armpit). But, as usual, my research took me in directions I never imagined. I ended up looking at long list of body-related fetishes and kinks on Kasidie: The Lifestyle Magazine (careful, link is not work friendly). The most unusual fetish listed was zit popping.

You might be thinking, "Gross!" But still, while I don't find popping things erotic, I do find it strangely satisfying. So I clicked the link.

After watching a few videos where people had things lanced, popped and squeezed (it's like watching a slow motion accident; you can't look away), I clicked on a video that showed a woman hunched over while two people worked to extract something from her back. While there were no faces in the video, I recognized a familiar voice — my college girlfriend's.

Not being able to think of a better reason to call an old flame, I dialed her up and asked her if she had uploaded a zit popping video to the Internet. Through laughter, she explained that the video featured her sister's back with various family members helping to pop a monster back blemish. While we both thought it was hilarious that I recognized her voice, she was not as thrilled to find out that the video she posted on YouTube for friends and family to see was now on a fetish website.

Consider yourself warned: Just about anything can be fetishized, thereby making any video you put on YouTube a possible fetish sensation. (And your college girlfriend might find it.)

MM

Fanning the Flames

As reported on Blurt: The Seven Days Staff Blog, Chanel designer Karl Lagerfeld has purchased a house in Vermont. I don't know much about Karl Lagerfeld, except what I learned from Margaret Cho's "I'm the One That I Want." If Lagerfeld is anything like Cho's impression, I hope I run into him around Burlington — a lot.

This clip starts with Lagerfeld and continues with Cho's famous "fag hag" bit. It's Friday — put in your ear buds and take well-deserved laugh break. (For a visual of Lagerfeld, check out Blurt.)

Mail Goggles

We're all familiar with the drunk dial. You have a few too many tequila shots and end up calling that guy or girl you're crushing on or dialing up your ex and begging for forgiveness. With today's technology, the drunk dial has expanded to included drunk texts, Facebooks and chats.

Luckily, Google has come up with a way to eliminate at least one drunken communiqué: the drunk email. With a new Google Lab called Mail Goggles, you can now set your Gmail account to ask you to solve "a few simple math problems" to verify that you're firing on all cylinders before you send a regrettable email on the information superhighway. Brilliant.

You can read more about Mail Goggles on the official Gmail Blog.

One-Way Romance

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I'm in my forties and have been seeing a guy for six months. We live about an hour away from each other, and I go to his house every weekend. When we are together we usually stay around his house working on projects, relaxing or having amazing afternoon delights. The problem for me is when we are apart during the week. I freely admit I have my share of insecurities, but I feel like I get very little from him. He can go for days during the week without calling.

While at a rare social outing together this past weekend, he introduced me by the wrong name — for the second time. He laughs it off, saying he's bad with names and nervous in social situations. He tells me that I'm important to him, that he cares about me, and that I'm blowing things out of proportion. What's your take on his behavior?

Signed,
Wasting My Time in the Valley?

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Dear Wasting Time,

I hope your boyfriend likes cake — because he's got a lot of it, and he's eating it, too.

The balance in your relationship is way off. Why do you always make the trip to his place? Why does he prefer to stay in all weekend instead of showing you off to family and friends? It would be one thing if you were content with the arrangement, but you're clearly looking for more. It's time for a serious talk. This relationship is very convenient for him and will continue to be so until you set some expectations. Outline what you want from him — more effort during the week, more integration into each other's social lives, and any other needs you have that are not being met.

As for forgetting your name, I might buy his plea of social nervousness if it weren't for all the other suspicious behavior. Something isn't adding up in your relationship — and the entire surplus is on his side. If he can't fix your budget deficit, I suggest trading him in for an accountant.

Banking on you,
MM

Political Power Play

The New York Post reported yesterday that a group of Dominatrixes is putting together a political action committee (DomPAC) to lobby lawmakers to rewrite prostitution laws to protect BDSM practices. Since BDSM for cash doesn't include "sex" per se, DomPAC is hoping to have the laws written more clearly, thereby saving them from raids and prosecution. The Post says the Dommes involved hope this step leads to eventual unionization, benefits and 401(k)s.

I'm willing to bet these ladies can make a pretty convincing argument...

Sex, (Truth) and Videotape

We live in a video-crazed culture. You can take video with virtually every piece of technology you own — computers, cell phones, digital cameras. You can even purchase a mini digital video camera for under $200. Consequently, your website, blog and Facebook page aren't cool unless you include video — but what about your sex life?

I've spent most of my sexual existence being scared of putting myself on film for fear of it being discovered — or worse, fear that I don't look half as hot as I think I do while engaging in some acts. However, as video slowly takes over our lives, I'm becoming more comfortable with the idea of inviting video playback into my bedroom.

How about you? How have you used video to enhance your sex life? Positives vs. negatives?  You can comment anonymously, of you prefer — just make up a name and skip the email and website fields.

MM

Friendly Advice

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I feel trapped in a relationship with one of my good friends. We would be a horribly dysfunctional couple — but that hasn't stopped us from being attracted to each other for several years. We’ve tried being “just friends,” but it doesn’t usually work out, whether we are with other people or not. Both of us are unwilling and unable to sever ties, but I’m tired of feeling stuck in a relationship that isn’t really going anywhere. What should I do? Can a guy and a girl ever really be friends?

Sincerely,
Stuck

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Dear Stuck,

Casual sex with friends isn't always a bad idea, but if you're feeling emotionally "stuck," it's time to make a change. Consider the expression "When one door closes, another door opens." Until you fully close the door on this relationship and release each other from the emotional choke hold, you won't be free to move on to something more fulfilling.

Of course, I'm taking your word for it and assuming that you and your friend would be the world's worst couple — though I'm curious as to why you think you'd be so dysfunctional. It seems as if something is keeping you together: Could it be that you haven't given this relationship a proper try?

Men and women can be friends, but good friendships thrive on healthy boundaries. From the sound of it, you and your "friend" are severely lacking in the boundary department. It's time to figure out the parameters of your relationship and adhere to the limits. If you can't do that, perhaps it's time to make some new friends.

Your BFF,
MM