Aimlessly Searching

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I've been having sex with my new boyfriend for about a month. My question is this: Why is it so difficult for him to aim his penis into my vagina? Seriously, he can never find the bull's-eye. I always have to smile, tell him it's OK, and guide him inside me. The sex is OK, but when he can't even find my vagina, I get worried for our sexual future.

Also, he has trouble keeping his penis inside me; it falls out after just a few thrusts, and that's my cue to line him up again. I'm frustrated and annoyed by his poor aim. Help?

Reluctant Archer

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Dear R.A.,

If you haven't already noticed, sex is rarely the ideal fantasy where everything goes according to plan. Bottles of lube get knocked over, dogs jump on the bed, and penises slip out — and it's all part of the fun.

It sounds like your guy may be wound a little too tightly in bed. Nervousness and performance anxiety can cause poor aim and the type of discombobulated sex that leads to his penis’ slipping out of your va-jay-jay. The next time it happens, rather than doing the work for him (and silently cursing him), encourage him to take a deep breath, relax, and guide his member back into you. Give him some verbal directions and help guide him back with your hips. Remind him that you're not in a hurry, and let him know that you want him to learn how your body works. This exercise will bring you closer, and hopefully create a more intimate, satisfying experience for you both.

As for the chronic slippage, he is most likely pulling out too far while thrusting. Suggest that he do more shallow pumping, and try positions where he has a good view of the action — if he can't detect how far to pull back by sensation alone, a visual lesson will help. And, remember, if you're feeling frustrated, you can always climb on top and take control of the situation.

Aiming high,
MM

Shop Local!

Like any good Vermonter, I try to shop local when I can — including getting my pet accoutrements at the locally-owned Pet Food Warehouse. Aside from having a large selection of everything for my pets, the sales staff will graciously carry out the oversized bags of pet food to my car. If I'm lucky, it's a burly, bearded Vermonter-type guy hauling the heavy bags out on his broad shoulders, but I digress...

This added customer service sets PFW apart from the national chains and is usually much appreciated; however, today, I had a close call with what would have been a very embarrassing moment. As you can imagine, writing this blog, people like to send me lots of books and toys to write about and enjoy. I usually do a very good job at keeping these things hidden as I transport them back and forth from my office to home. So, you can imagine my shock — and embarrassing horror — when I opened my trunk today to allow the sales person to deposit a 10-pound bag of cat food and saw My Life In Porn: The Bobby Blake Story staring up at me (and I do mean "staring" —  check out the book jacket).

Now, I wouldn't be telling you this story if I actually thought the guy saw the book — I think I managed to shove it under other stuff before he noticed. But — whew! — that was a close call.

The moral of the story? Shop local, but make sure you don't have any junk in your trunk.

Happy Friday,
MM

Transgender Day of Remembrance

A reminder that Burlington will commemorating Transgender Day of Remembrance this Saturday, November 22. The RU12? Community Center says, "The Day of Remembrance is a memorial for all trans/gender variant people who have died due to violence. This event will both honor the memory of those we have lost and celebrate the lives of transgendered people."

Having attended the event a number of times, I can tell you it's well-organized, moving, educational and well worth attending. If you're in Burlington this Saturday, head over to Billings Hall on the UVM campus from 7-10pm. For more information, you can contact [email protected].

Kitchen Confidential

Dear Mistress Maeve,

We're a heterosexual couple that is really into cooking and finds good food to be a big turn-on. Whenever we cook a meal together, we always flirt and have fun — especially when the extra-virgin olive oil makes an appearance. Something about that slick, viscous goodness pouring from the phallic bottle into the hot pan just gets our juices flowing. We've playfully rubbed it on one another in the kitchen, tasted it off each other's fingers. (It does give a delightful burning in the back of the throat reminiscent of other, more sexual, throat encounters.)

So, wise Mistress, we want to know: Is it safe to realize our fantasy and use our beloved olive oil as a sexual lubricant?

Signed,
Popeye and Olive Oyl

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Dear Popeye and Olive Oyl,

Sounds like you two have a very flavorful relationship! Kudos to you for cooking up new recipes in the bedroom, rather than serving lukewarm leftovers.

Unless you're the only cooks in your kitchen — meaning you're monogamous — I'm going to assume you're using condoms. Like oil and water, oil and latex condoms don't mix. Oil can degrade latex, rendering the condom unable to protect you against pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. If you are using condoms but insist on alternative lubes, try a polyurethane condom — effective and oil friendly.

A host of online resources say it's OK to experiment with olive oil in the bedroom. However, have you ever heard the saying "Some fantasies are better left fantasies"? Olive oil can cause irritating allergic reactions and uncomfortable clogged glands and follicles — totally unappetizing. Perhaps you should continue lubing your food with olive oil, but stick with water-based lubricants for your most delicious parts.

Hot and slippery,
MM

Oh, no he Diddy!

According to the New York Daily News, Sean Combs (Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Diddy, etc) told Allure magazine that he has strict grooming policies for the women he dates, including manicures/pedicures, leg waxing, brow-threading and Brazilian waxes (which, if you don't know, is the whole kit and caboodle). He also tells Allure:  "I shave and groom my private areas. It's a better presentation for me. If men require women to go through the pain, we should return the favor."

Okay, let's try to forget for just one moment that he says "men require women" (gross! awful! despicable!) and move to the more interesting bit — it's a better "presentation" for him? I know a lot of dudes who trim and shave their pubes to make their average- to small-sized members look larger — perhaps that's what Combs is hinting at? I mean, it would make sense — only men with some serious hang ups about their "imperfect" parts would "require" their women to be so scrubbed, sterilized, polished and perfect.

Blah. It just pisses me off.

xoxo,
MM

PS... Can someone tell me what the hell brow-threading is??

Head "O" State

It was only a matter of time — the Obama sex toy has hit the market. For those of you who really love our new president elect (and want to love him even more), the "Head O State" dildo stands 7.5 inches tall, 2 inches wide and is made in the good ol' USA.

As if the actual dildo weren't entertaining enough, the makers of the Head O State have come up with a number of slogans to accompany your purchase. My favorite? "Make this an erection election to remember."

Get your Obama dildo here.

Supporting my candidate,
MM

I'm sorry, I have to take this call.

Ever been on a blind date and ten minutes into it wished for some sort of divine intervention to get you out of it? Well, I'm not sure if Steve Jobs is God, but a new iPhone application called Fake Calls will do the trick.

For $0.99, you can download the Fake Calls application that allows you to preprogram an incoming call at a designated time, from a designated person — it  even allows you to customize the wallpaper for the incoming call. So, if you're having a good time on the date, you can make a show of ignoring the call — however, if you want to make a fast exit, you can pretend the call is a work emergency and hit the road.

Feel guilty about lying? The makers of the Fake Calls app say they're donating part of the profits to charity — that should be enough to repair your karma.

And, oh, yes — the iPhone is STILL not in Vermont.

Happy Friday,
MM

Rules of (Online) Engagement

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I never thought I would opt for online dating, but after moving to a new area, I figured, what the hell? The problem is, while I have always been ballsy in bars, my online dating skills are lacking. I feel more awkward turning a guy down over the Internet than I ever have in person. I also feel more timid before starting a thread of communication.

I think my problem is that even though all of these communications come through the great shield of a computer screen, I feel more exposed and vulnerable than I ever have while prowling in person. With online dating, my photo, occupation and town of residence are all listed for anyone to see.

I can’t tell a wink from a flirt from a poke. Can you give me some tips to make me more comfortable in my quest for online love?

Signed,
Searching in Cyberspace

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Dear Searching,

If you can't tell a wink from a poke, you've got bigger problems than you know — but I have faith that you can learn.

Dating in cyberspace is entirely different from browsing in bars. When flirting in public, you can make up a little white lie when an unsuitable suitor comes calling — like “I'm engaged,” or “I've had too much tequila, and I'm about to be sick.” However, when you post an online profile, you're announcing to the world that you're single and ready to mingle, thereby making a fast getaway less feasible.

Decide whether or not you're comfortable exposing yourself as single and available. If you're prepared to put yourself out there, be ready to be straightforward, honest and kind. Online dating is an exercise in integrity — if you're not turned on by a single who contacts you, respond swiftly, politely declining his/her advances.

And, please, be cautious. If you do find someone you like, don't give out your phone number or personal email address in the first correspondence. Be patient, exchange numerous messages back and forth, then arrange to meet in a public place — you might even consider bringing a friend along to ensure your date isn't a virtual nightmare.

TTYL,
MM

Palin's next gig?

Canada.com is reporting that Sarah Palin received her first public job offer after last week's failure to snag the vice presidential seat — 2 million dollars to star in an upcoming Cezar Capone porno.

You may know Capone from his other directorial works, "M.I.L.F School" and "Big Dicks, Petite Chicks." In an open letter to Palin on his website, Capone outlines the premise of the film, saying it would be about a "beautiful mother recognized by all of America as well as the rest of the world - the most desirable woman over 40."

And what about Todd? Capone promises Mr. Palin a co-starring role in the film to the tune of $100,000 — and a new Arctic Cat snowmobile. Sweet!

No word from Palin's camp yet, but I figure if she doesn't land a talk show host gig, she might be Capone's new starlet.

Happy Monday,
MM

Does your insurance cover that?

I spent election night with some friends and noticed one of my girlfriends kept flinching every time she made a quick move or leaned over to pick up her drink.

"What's with the pained look?" I asked.

"My abs are KILLING me," she explained.

"Oh. Working out more?" I inquired.

"Nope. Strenuous sex," she replied with a slight sneer.

"Nice."

Realizing that I, too, was nursing some minor sheet-romping ailments (a pulled calf muscle and hip flexor), I decided to research this topic a little further. According to a reader poll at MSNBC, 44.2% of respondents reported having experienced a sex injury — with 3.2% saying the injury resulted in a trip to the emergency room. Emergency room? Egads! The corresponding article outlined stories about broken penises (mostly caused when men "get all pile-drivery and they miss the bull's-eye"), fractured hip bones in elderly patients and even one story about a woman who had a painful air pocket in her abdomen caused by a close encounter with a Jacuzzi jet.

All of a sudden I'm feeling very fortunate that my injuries, and my friend's, are so minor. How about you? What's the worst (best?) sex injury you've ever sustained?

xoxo,
MM

Parental Guidance Suggested

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My 52-year-old mother recently starting dating again after her 31-year marriage ended. I'm happy for her, but I'm also worried. In particular, I'm concerned that she doesn't understand the frightening realities of HIV and other sexually transmitted infections.

As her daughter, is it my place to educate her? If so, how do I make it less awkward? We've always had an open relationship, but this might be pushing it. Please help!

Thanks,
Dr. Daughter

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Dear Dr. Daughter,

You're right to be concerned. My friends at the Vermont Committee for AIDS Resources, Education and Services say that a 2007 Vermont Department of Health report states, “Older Vermonters (50+ years old) accounted for a greater proportion of new HIV/AIDS diagnoses in 2006-2007 (29 percent of all new diagnoses) compared to 2000-2001 (12 percent of new diagnoses).” With statistics like that, it's imperative that older at-risk adults receive accurate prevention information.

Vermont CARES also says that health-care providers may be less likely to test for HIV and other STIs in patients over 50, making it even more important that you talk with your mom. Tell her that you're happy she's dating again, but times have changed. Now is not the time to be shy with your mom — give her some condoms and info about HIV and other STIs, and encourage her to talk with her doctor. You're not asking her for details of her sex life; you're simply making her aware of the risks because you love her and care about her well-being.

If your mother confides that she's been engaging in risky activities, consider going for an HIV test with her — it could be a good bonding and educational experience for you both. Vermont CARES offers free, anonymous, rapid oral HIV testing. For testing times and locations, visit www.vtcares.org.

xoxo,
MM

Friendly Fact-finding

While researching my answer to this week's question about male multiple orgasms, I thought to ask one of my male confidantes for his input. This particular friend is well rounded and experienced when it comes to sex — not to mention uber confident — and I thought if anyone would know about male multiples, it would be him. So, I emailed him.

To my disappointment, he had never experienced multiples. However, to my delight, he responded to my question with a lengthy reply explaining — in detail — how he continues to believe his member will rise again like the mighty phoenix after ejaculation, only to find that his physiological response doesn't match his mental fortitude.

With his permission, I'm posting his response for you.

It's no secret — guys love sex. We love having sex, thinking about sex, looking at pictures of sex, watching videos of sex, talking about sex, bragging about the sex we're having, complaining about the sex we're not having... you name it and if it has to do with sex, we love it. There is, however, one thing that most guys I know, myself included, will concede is better than sex.

Blowjobs.