Making good on resolutions

Thanks for all the feedback regarding my suggestions for 2009 resolutions. It appears that many of you are in full support of #4: Try girl-on-guy strap-on sex. Your comments and letters have re-sparked my own interest in strapping it on — so much so that I ordered a new harness and dildo from Babeland. I figured I'd show you what I got, since it was your encouragement that initiated my impulse buy.

For the harness, I went with the Spareparts Joque model. I never thought I'd choose anything but leather for a harness, but this one is made out of super-comfortable, durable swimsuit-like material — plus, you can throw it into the washing machine for easy cleaning. For the dildo, I went with the Leo — not too big, not too small. I chose the sparkly silver color — it is the holidays, after all.

If you're interested in seeing how these bits work, check out this educational video about the Spareparts harness from Babeland. There's no nudity, but you might want to put your headphones on if you're within earshot of coworkers.

Who knows? Maybe I'll ring in 2009 with a bang. . .

xoxo,
MM

Firm Resolve

Dear Readers,

I don't know about you, but I find most New Year's resolutions to be boring and totally uninventive. So, whether you'll be ringing in the new year single or as part of a couple, I challenge you to make only resolutions that will bring you pleasure of the carnal variety. To get you thinking in the right direction, I'll make a few suggestions — some naughty, some nice:

1. Read erotic fiction about something you think you'd never try.

Just because you fantasize about having group sex, being spanked, or getting busy while dressed up like a team mascot doesn't mean you want it in real life. To broaden your fantasy horizons, pick up some "taboo" erotic fiction. I suggest Spanked: Red-Cheeked Erotica, Crossdressing: Erotic Stories and The Mile High Sex Club: Plane Sex Stories, all edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel.

2. Rediscover making out.

Kissing is among the most erotic activities, if you allow it to be. The next time you slide lips with someone, take a minute — or an hour — to really enjoy it.

3. Spend time naked.

Shedding our layers and getting to know ourselves better, both physically and mentally, makes us better people and partners. So crank up the heat, close the blinds, and lose the clothes. If you have a significant other, consider resolving to share "naked dates."

4. Try girl-on-guy strap-on sex.

This may exclude those of you who don't participate in girl-on-guy action, but I'm sure you'll support your bi and hetero brothers and sisters in this resolution. Think about it: No matter how equal and respectful men and women are to each other, the woman is always getting "screwed." Change things up in 2009 — get a strap-on, a good dildo and some lube and mix up the gender roles. Trust me, it'll be good for both of you. 

5. Practice safer sex.

Hopefully you're already protecting yourself, but it never hurts to renew this resolution. Make 2009 happy and healthy.

Happy New Year,
MM

That's what friends are for?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My friend of over 10 years recently broke up with her boyfriend and has started sleeping with — and possibly dating — a guy I cannot stand!

I know I should be supportive of her choices, because they are her choices, but I’m super unimpressed with this guy and her recent actions. I want to be OK with her new relationship, but I'm just not sure I can! I'm also not convinced her new relationship is going to last, so why should I invest my time and energy into getting to know him better? Please tell me what I should do, because I don't want to lose my friend.

Signed,
Fumbling Through Friendship

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Dear F.T.F.,

Most of us have watched friends date unsavory characters, and it's difficult to know whether we should speak up or let them make — and learn from — their own mistakes.

You don't explain why you dislike her new beau. But, barring any outstanding warrants or unwitting wives in multiple states, it's probably not worth giving your friend a laundry list of his flaws — she might resent you for it. If their relationship progresses and you still can't find any redeeming qualities in him, you'll have to set some healthy boundaries for yourself. Tell her that you don't have much in common with him and would prefer to hang out with her one on one. If she questions you, be cautious — don't verbally castrate the guy. Simply explain that you want to support her and her relationships, but you don't have to be best friends with him to remain best friends with her.

Friends first,
MM

Shave the Date

Like many Americans, I'll be watching the highly-anticipated inauguration of Barack Obama on January 20, 2009. However, watching this momentous event on television just doesn't seem like enough. I want to do more to commemorate the occasion — and I've found just the thing.

Whilst trolling the Internet last night, I came across the Mominatrix blog at ImperfectParent.com where writer Kristen Chase encourages us to "Shave the Date" and say goodbye to "Bush" on 1/20/09. Chase writes, "Show your love for your country, and as you watch our new president take his oath and feel your satin undies against your smooth nether region, you can take pride in knowing you've rid your world of bush once and for all."

Brilliant!

Whether you shave, wax or simply trim a little in solidarity, I invite you all to join me in saying bye-bye to bush on 1/20/09. The Mominatrix has some great bush-ridding safety tips and suggestions. For the guys, check out my tips here.

xoxo,
MM

Bettie Page (April 22, 1923 – December 11, 2008)

Legendary pin-up and fetish model, Bettie Page, has died at the age of 85 in Los Angeles. You can read more about Page's life on Wikipedia. For info about her passing, check out the coverage on CNN.

RIP, Ms. Page.

xoxo,
MM

Slip and Slide (Out)

Dear Mistress,

I am in my forties, have given birth once and have been sexually active throughout most of my adult life. Twice in the past two years, younger men in their twenties have hit on me — and I had sex with one of them. His penis seemed large enough to me, but it slipped out a few times. Is it possible that I am too loose, given my experience level and childbirth? In your response to “Reluctant Archer” on November 26, you seemed to suggest that slippage is more a function of the male’s thrusting than the looseness of the vagina?

I’d love to know what your advice is in this situation.

Signed,
Please Don’t Use My Name

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Dear P.D.U.M.N,

Kudos to you, Madame Cougar, for reeling in men in their twenties!

Though some women swear they’ve experienced extreme vaginal stretching post-childbirth, most sources agree that the vagina eventually regains its muscle tone. And, unless you’ve been having sex with a man 10 times the size of John Holmes, you’re probably not going to stretch your vagina through intercourse, either.

Most penis slippage is due to erratic thrusting or poor choice of position — every body is different, and couples should identify which sexual positions work best for intercourse. Plus, the young bucks you’ve been attracting may not be as sexually experienced as some of your past partners. I’m guessing it’s their experience, not the size of your vagina, that’s causing the slippage.

However, if you’re not feeling as tight as you’d like, you can try doing some Kegel exercises. Just as lifting weights at the gym tones your limbs, working out your pelvic floor muscles can tighten and tone your vagina — and that can lead to more explosive orgasms for you. For more info on Kegel exercises, click here. Or, you can watch this video of a vulva puppet doing Kegels.

Clench and release,
MM

Distraction Satisfaction

Over the weekend, a friend thanked me for giving her some good advice, so I thought I'd pass it along.

After a longer-than-she-would-have-liked sexual dry spell, my friend hooked up with a guy she met at a bar. The next morning, he left his phone number for her (she didn't ask for it), which made her think he was at least interested in some additional booty calls. After waiting the obligatory few days, she left him a voicemail inviting him to hang out the upcoming weekend. He didn't call back.

Listen, dry spells are one thing — you learn to cope with cold showers, porn and sex toys solo on Saturday nights. However, hell hath no fury like a woman who came out of a dry spell for a one night stand only to get the shaft (figuratively, not literally). Her one-night romp had unleashed her sexual beast, and she needed to be satiated. Thus, when the weekend arrived, my friend had worked herself into a panicked frenzy over not getting laid again by this guy. So, I took it upon myself to shake her out of it. No, I didn't fuck her — but I told her she needed to hook up with someone — anyone — pronto, as to get her mind off of the one-night-stand douche-bag. So, I was an awesome wingwoman, and we made it happen.

Guess what? It worked. She was able to get it on with someone else, thereby snapping her out of her neurosis and reminding her that she's not only capable of landing one guy, but many, many guys (if she so chooses). There's power in seduction — it shouldn't be abused or substituted for other needs, but it can be damned fun and useful. Just do it safely, OK?

Oh, and one more thing. Guys: If you don't want us to call, don't leave your phone number, especially when we didn't ask for it in the first place. We're cool without it, mmmk?

xoxo,
MM

Culinary Delights

With the holidays — uhh, coming — I have a fab gift idea for the culinary artists on your list: Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen Based Recipes. No, I'm not joking. From what I can tell, this is an honest-to-goodness collection of recipes featuring savory dishes like Tuna Sashimi with Dipping Sauce, Creamy Cum Crepes and Man Made Oysters.

You can get your own copy from a site called Lulu, where writers can publish their own paperbacks. It appears these books are made to order (ahem), and it takes 3-5 days to print — still plenty of time to get it shipped for your holiday feast.

Tastefully yours,
MM

Small Town Secrets

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I have one of those only-in-a-small-town problems. I have an acquaintance named “Sally.” She’s a lovely woman, and I’ve always had positive interactions with her. Sally is living with “Paul” — a guy who had previously been sleeping with my good friend “Samantha.”

Problem is, even though Paul and Sally have been in a seemingly committed relationship for about three years now, Paul’s started reaching out to Samantha to be his on-the-side playmate. (Samantha tells me when he texts or emails her.) Of course, Samantha rebuffs his advances, but it makes me wonder how many other chicks Paul is propositioning. I’ve kept it to myself, but after the most recent and blatant proposition from Paul to Samantha, I feel a sense of nausea when I see the happy couple together, and want to run up and smack Paul upside the head Olympia Dukakis-style from Moonstruck: “SNAP OUT OF IT!”

Should I tell Sally about Paul’s advances toward Samantha? We share several close mutual friends — perhaps I should spill the beans to one of them?

Sincerely,
The Fly on the Wall, Stuck in the Tangled Web

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Dear Tangled Fly,

As satisfying as it would be to smack every cheater upside the head, it’s just not practical. You’d spend all of your time focusing on other people’s issues rather than your own — which is what I’m concerned to learn you’re doing now. Paul’s cheating ways are simply none of your business.

And what about Samantha? Does she know you’re thinking of betraying her trust? If Samantha is the only one Paul is pursuing, he’ll surely know the source of the information, leaving her holding the bag. In this small-town scenario, your loyalty should be to your “good friend,” Samantha.

Remember — too often the people who spill the beans are left cleaning up the mess.

Minding my business,
MM

World AIDS Day 2008

Today marks the twentieth anniversary of World AIDS Day. Though we should be working to bring attention to the global AIDS epidemic more than one day per year, I do encourage you to take some time today to educate yourself and those around you about AIDS in today's world. Take a minute and think how long it's been since you've been tested — is it time? We've come a long way since 1988 — you can now get rapid HIV testing with no needles (results can take as little as 20 minutes).

You can also attend the World AIDS Day reception at the Firehouse Gallery on Church Street in Burlington tonight from 6pm-8pm. For a full listing of World AIDS Day events this week in Vermont, check out Vermont CARES (you can also find testing info here, too).

Playing it safe,
MM