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Seven Days Blogs: Mistress Maeve

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Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Cyber Sick

Dear Mistress Maeve,

A couple months ago I moved in with my boyfriend of less than a year (we're in our 40s). I felt like things were going very well, but a few days ago, I figured out — to my gut-wrenching surprise — that he secretly "chats" online with women via a commonly known "social networking website." He apparently presents himself as available and has accumulated many sexy female "friends." He swears he does not meet any of these women in person. I don't know how to make sense of this so soon in our relationship. I am not a big Internet person — what is all this sneaking around online about?

Cyber-sick in Southern Vermont


Dear Cyber-sick,

I wish I had better news for you. Your man is either lying to you about his online flirtations, lying to these women about being single, or both. Any way you slice it, he's lying.

Don't get me wrong — casual flirting outside the relationship is a natural tendency that, if indulged with a measure of integrity, can be healthy. It's nice to get and give benign amounts of attention from and to someone other than our partners — it reminds us that we're still attractive, sexual beings (which can translate into hot moments at home). However, healthy flirting doesn't involve hours spent online portraying yourself as single when you actually have a live-in partner.

Tell him you're hurt by his online dishonesty — the least he can do is acknowledge your relationship publicly. As to whether he's taking these relationships too far, that question comes down to trust. Think long and hard about whether you trust this man you're now living with. If the answer is no, I see another move in your future.

Virtually yours,

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Yes We Can

When I first saw this You Tube clip from Detroit's Fox News affiliate, I thought it was a fake. However, after watching the full-length version, I'm convinced this "Love Doctor" actually says the Obama's practice "fisting" in public.

In case you didn't catch that, Dr. Terri Orbach is explaining to the anchorwoman that we need to be more affection in our relationships. She points to Michelle and Barack Obama and notes, "They do a lot of touching, kissing, even fisting with one another."

WHAT? Leave it to a Fox News love expert to get fisting wrong. Of course, "The Love Doctor" is referring to the friendly fist bump often shared between Michelle and Barack on the campaign trail.

If you have time, check out the full-length interview with "The Love Doctor." The best part comes at the end when the Fox anchorwoman tries to cover her guest's faux pas and they illustrate a fist bump — while saying the word fisting THREE MORE TIMES between the two of them. Hilarious.

Happy Tuesday,

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Why So Wet?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

When I was a younger woman, I noticed that when I was on top of my male partner, I was quite wet. It didn't happen often, and I didn't give it much thought. Ten years later it happened again, and then again and again — and now, before my very eyes, I have become a full-blown squirter. And we're not talking a trickle, either, but gushing, porn-star-style squirting. Luckily both my partner and I are excited by it and have successfully incorporated it into our love making (crib pads are a godsend).

But my question is this: What's the deal? It's hard to search the Internet for info because most of the returns are porn, and the little information I do find says people don't have any idea what female ejaculation is or what causes it.

Soaked in the South End


Dear Soaked,

It's no surprise you can't find much info about female ejaculation. Science, in general, likes to ignore female sexual function — especially when it comes to ejaculating "unladylike" fluids.

The ejaculate is squirting from your urethra, but it isn't urine — it’s a clear liquid generated in your Skene’s glands (or G-spot). When you're aroused, your G-spot becomes engorged with fluid, which it releases into your urethra. Upon orgasm, this liquid can erupt — sometimes a little, sometimes a lot, depending on your level of arousal. Some studies say that the majority of women ejaculate from the urethra during sex, but in small, undetectable quantities.

It's logical that your squirting abilities have developed over time, as you've gained more sexual experience and found more compatible partners. The more turned on and comfortable you are, the farther you can squirt. I'm happy to hear you and your partner are both embracing your special talent — grab some crib pads and get busy.

Wet and wild,

Monday, January 19, 2009

Reminder: Shave the Date! (And 1/2 Off Brazilian Waxes!)

Nobush4 It's Bush's last day in office — finally. For those of you looking for a fun way to mark the occasion, I remind you of the "Shave the Date" campaign launched by the Mominatrix, encouraging you to shave your body clean of bush. She says, "Show your love for your country, and as you watch our new president take his oath and feel your satin undies against your smooth nether region, you can take pride in knowing you've rid your world of bush once and for all."

A local business — Cynthea's Spa — is helping you get rid of bush by offering 1/2 off all Brazilian waxes tomorrow (1/20/09 only)! To book your appointment, call (802) 238-7524.

For those of you who plan to oust bush yourself, check out the Mominatrix for women's shaving tips and my tips for guys.

Later, Bush.


Two of my best friends moved to New York City last year and have been trying to seduce me into moving there ever since. After a week of subzero temperatures, they may have finally found the one thing that could get me to leave Vermont — sex toy home delivery.  When temperatures hit -26 degrees, wouldn't it be nice to have a brand new vibe delivered to your front door?

That's right, if you live in New York City (or Seattle), Babeland will deliver all kinds of toys to your home, hotel room, office, etc. Babeland says "Just give our store a call to place your order, and for a delivery fee of $30, we will have your toys delivered to your home or business within three hours." Sure, you can have sex toys overnighted  — but sometimes you need it sooner than that, if you know what I'm sayin'.

Luckily, temperatures are on the rise here in Vermont — so it looks like my friends will have to find a new way to lure me to the big city.


Thursday, January 15, 2009

Awkward Dating Moment #7217

Imagine for a moment that you're a single gal on a date with an uber-hottie who actually has relationship potential. You're sitting on your couch with him, getting to know each other — you have butterflies, you're wondering whether or not you'll get a kiss before the night is over. Then, a sound comes from the direction of your bedroom, which you immediately identify as your cat playing with something, pushing it around the floor and chasing after it. Before you can suss out what she's playing with, the cat bolts from your bedroom batting around a shiny piece of paper-like material. In horror, you realize — just as uber-hottie is bending down to pick up the object — that it is, in fact, a used condom wrapper. A Magnum condom wrapper, no less.

Welcome to my life.

Lesson learned: Pick up after yourself (and your friends).


Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Questionable Benefits

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I have a friend who I've known for almost five years. I love him to death, and he loves me, too, but he has a girlfriend. Before the girlfriend came along, we had a "friends with benefits" thing going on. We almost dated, but then the girlfriend arrived on the scene. He loves her very much, and I can see that he is happy with her — but he still continues to see me for "friendly benefits."

I feel torn. Should I keep this up? What is the nicest way to say, "Choose between me and your girlfriend"?

The Other Girl


Dear Other Girl,

I find it curious that you call it "friends with benefits" when he is the only one benefiting from your arrangement. You could draw a healthy boundary and say, "This relationship isn't working for me; I need you to choose between me and your girlfriend once and for all." But this guy is a cheater — do you really want him? Do you really think he can transform from a selfish user into the man of your dreams?

One of my New Year's resolutions is to participate only in relationships and activities that make me feel good. Take a step back and ask yourself, "Is this relationship lifting me up or bringing me down?" My guess is that you know he's causing you more harm than good. You have encouraged a scenario where he is having his cake and eating it, too — and it's very difficult to recover from that sugar binge.

Resolve to feel good about yourself in 2009. The sooner this guy is out of the picture, the sooner you'll go from "Other Girl" to "Only Girl" with someone much more worthy of your love.


Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Drive Time

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost six years. We understand that sex slows down a bit after you've been together for a while, but we're wondering if there might be more to our hibernating libidos. For example, I have felt a decrease in my sex drive since going on medication for my anxiety. She thinks her birth control pills may be having an effect on her sex drive and causing a decrease in her natural lubrication, thereby making sex painful. I'm a young man, so my libido is still somewhat intact, even with the medication, but I just wish she could enjoy herself more consistently like she used to.

Is it possible that her pills are causing this downturn in her libido? Should we switch back to condoms and forget the chemical side of it?

Hibernating Hunnies


Dear H.H.,

It is definitely possible that your girlfriend's birth control pills are diminishing her sex drive. Luckily, there are many different types of birth control. I highly recommend that she talk to her doctor — he or she may prescribe a different pill or suggest another form of birth control altogether.

However, as you mention in your letter, sex drives ebb and flow, especially over the course of a long-term relationship. She could be experiencing a natural low period, and her drive will eventually right itself. Or perhaps she has some emotional issues going on. You seem like a sensitive guy — if you haven't already, talk to her about her lack of desire. If she thinks it's the pill, get her to talk with her doc. If it's something deeper, suggest that she talk to a trusted friend or therapist. Whatever the case, remain patient and supportive — and use some water-based lube.

Also, it's common for men to experience a lower libido while taking some prescription meds; however, be sure to communicate with your doctor, too.

Living Libido Loca,

Tuesday, January 06, 2009


Speaking of the Sex Survey...

While working out at the gym the other day, I was reminded of a response from the 2007 sex survey where a woman said she routinely got herself off at the gym. She said, "Surprisingly enough, the Nautilus sit-up machine . . . gets me off every time. The higher the weight, the faster it happens. It's a good thing everybody else in the room is making faces and breathing heavily."

According to Men's Health, the female "coregasm" is a relatively common experience at the gym (dubbed the "coregasm" because most women experience gym orgasms while engaging their core muscles). I've heard many of these elusive "coregasms" happen when women use the Roman Chair. Interesting.

I've never had a magical "coregasm" while doing crunches, but I came dangerously close the other day while riding the stationary bike. About a mile into my bike ride, I noticed a guy I'd never seen before. He was on the shorter side, stocky with huge calf muscles and thick forearms.


I casually watched while he did some curls, some calf raises — but then came the back exercises. He was using a Nautilus machine, back to me, rowing the weight so I could see his delts and traps contract and release with every pull. I was suddenly turned on and realized that there was a seat grinding between my thighs. The faster I peddled, the more it egged me on. I couldn't help but think of that strong back propped up over me, all this hard work at the gym paying off. . .

Needless to say, I finished my five miles in record time. If he had just done one more set of back exercises, I think I would have showed everyone at the gym my O-face. Luckily, as the sex survey respondent suggested, who would really know? Everyone is panting, sweating and groaning at the gym anyway.

Wishing you a more exciting time at the gym,

P.S. I don't care what anyone says, EVERYONE checks EVERYONE out at the gym. My supportive friends all say, "Oh, don't worry about what is (or is not) bouncing on the treadmill — no one's looking." Bull crap! I look at — and sexually fantasize about — nearly every person in the gym while I workout. How else am I suppose to get through the agony of exercise?!

Monday, January 05, 2009

Seven Days Sex Survey

Seven Days is gearing up for my favorite issue of the year — The Sex Issue. (Duh!)

Unknown To make matters more juicy, it's time for a new sex survey. Every two years, Seven Days probes its readers with scintillating questions about their proclivities. You can take the survey online here. Now, I'm counting on you, my readers, to really spice up this year's results. Take your time answering the essay questions — I'll likely be helping to tabulate the results, and I want you to keep me entertained.

The Sex Issue and the results of the survey will be appear in the February 25 edition of Seven Days.

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