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Wednesday, February 18, 2009

When To Say When

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My boyfriend constantly wants sex. He's a guy, so I'm aware this is normal, but he's excessive. I have a high sex drive, too, and I willingly sleep with him at least once a day — often in marathon sessions — but even this doesn't satisfy him. I want to please him. I allow him to do what he wants with me, regardless of how excited I am. But I end up in pain, even bleeding on a few occasions. I've tried to satisfy him via oral and hand jobs, but the only way he can get off is through vaginal intercourse. I really like this guy, but his hyper sex drive is tearing me apart, literally and figuratively. Help.

Desperate Lover


Dear Desperate,

Sex should be pleasurable and fun — not fraught with emotional and physical pain. I know you want to please your boyfriend, but he should want to take care of you, too. Does he know you're giving in to his desires when you're physically hurting? If so, you need to seriously rethink this relationship.

You don't say how forceful your boyfriend gets about sex, but something about your letter sent up a red flag for me. Domestic violence doesn't always leave physical bruises — if he's pressuring you into sex, that's abuse, too. My friends at Women Helping Battered Women say, “Domestic violence can take on many forms, including sexual coercion and forced sex. These acts often take place in tandem with other tactics to establish and maintain power and control over an intimate partner."

Under no circumstances should you ever feel obligated to have sex. If you feel like you're being coerced or taken advantage of in any way, please consider reaching out for help. You can connect with Women Helping Battered Women via their 24-hour hotline at 658-1996, or online at

Much love,

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