Social Snafu

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I'm an almost 30-year-old woman with a social quandary. A few years ago I casually hooked up with this guy a few times. We stopped hooking up when he started dating another woman seriously. No big deal; I was fine with that. However, on several occasions since then, he has approached me for sex, even though he and the other woman are now living together. I always rebuff his advances.

My problem isn't really with him — he's just a two-timing loser who's easy to ignore. My problem is with his girlfriend. Over the years, our social circles have become closer, and I find myself being invited to many of the same gatherings as the two of them. She is a lovely person who tries to get to know me better. She probably wonders why I'm such a stuck-up bitch who won't give her the time of day — I just feel so badly for her and guilty, even though I've done nothing wrong. It's gotten to the point where I'm declining invitations to hang out with my friends for fear of running into them. I just want to do the right thing by her in this unfortunate situation.

Signed,
Guilt by Association

---------------------------------------

Dear G.B.A,

While I commend you for taking the girlfriend's feelings into account, it's really not your responsibility to referee their relationship. I agree that keeping your distance from the girlfriend is respectful; however, you have every right to attend any social gathering you choose. Be cordial to this woman — you don't want to be best friends with her, but a polite acquaintance is fine.

If you really want to do right by her, have you considered telling her about her boyfriend's indecent proposals? On the one hand, their relationship is none of your business. But on the other hand, wouldn't you want to know if your live-in boyfriend was actually a scumbag?

Whatever you choose to do, remember: You didn't do the crime, so you shouldn't do the time. The only person who should be altering his social calendar is the unfaithful boyfriend.

Faithfully,
MM

Readers: What would you do in this situation? Leave a comment — you can do so anonymously by using an alias and skipping the last two fields.

When To Say When

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My boyfriend constantly wants sex. He's a guy, so I'm aware this is normal, but he's excessive. I have a high sex drive, too, and I willingly sleep with him at least once a day — often in marathon sessions — but even this doesn't satisfy him. I want to please him. I allow him to do what he wants with me, regardless of how excited I am. But I end up in pain, even bleeding on a few occasions. I've tried to satisfy him via oral and hand jobs, but the only way he can get off is through vaginal intercourse. I really like this guy, but his hyper sex drive is tearing me apart, literally and figuratively. Help.

Signed,
Desperate Lover

---------------------------------------

Dear Desperate,

Sex should be pleasurable and fun — not fraught with emotional and physical pain. I know you want to please your boyfriend, but he should want to take care of you, too. Does he know you're giving in to his desires when you're physically hurting? If so, you need to seriously rethink this relationship.

You don't say how forceful your boyfriend gets about sex, but something about your letter sent up a red flag for me. Domestic violence doesn't always leave physical bruises — if he's pressuring you into sex, that's abuse, too. My friends at Women Helping Battered Women say, “Domestic violence can take on many forms, including sexual coercion and forced sex. These acts often take place in tandem with other tactics to establish and maintain power and control over an intimate partner."

Under no circumstances should you ever feel obligated to have sex. If you feel like you're being coerced or taken advantage of in any way, please consider reaching out for help. You can connect with Women Helping Battered Women via their 24-hour hotline at 658-1996, or online at www.whbw.org.

Much love,
MM

WCAX Nominated for GLAAD Award

Congratulations to Darren Perron and the rest of the team at WCAX television on their GLAAD media award nomination. GLAAD, the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, hands out annual awards to those members of the media and entertainment worlds who demonstrate "fair, accurate and inclusive representations of the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community and issues that affect their lives."

Perron and crew are nominated in the Outstanding TV Journalism category for Becoming — a 3-part series discussing Vermont's transgender community. Perhaps the coolest thing about the nomination is that WCAX is the only local station nominated — they'll be up against the likes of PBS, CNN and Oprah. Not bad, eh?

The awards will be handed out on March 28 in New York City. You can read more about the nomination and check out Becoming here.

My Valentine

I thought I was going to spend this Valentine's Day alone, but thanks to PinkCherry.com, I'm going to have my dream date — with the njoy Pure Wand. This stainless steel toy has many of the same qualities I look for in a Valentine — strong, surprising and satisfying.

The Pure Wand comes in a lovely black box with pink silky fabric inside — a smart choice, because it would look intimidating in bubble wrap. This isn't your average insertable — it's made of medical-grade stainless steel and weighs 1.5 pounds. (In case you're wondering, that's WAY heavier than most toys.)  The Pure Wand is a curved 8 inches long from end to end, making reach and motion easier than most insertables. The 1- and 1.5-inch balls on either end are designed to stimulate both the g-spot in women and the prostate in men.

I'll admit it — I was a little scared to try the Pure Wand. The stainless steel was freezing cold and the 1.5-inch ball looked daunting — but my curiosity won out. I warmed up the toy with hot water and decided to start easy with the 1-inch ball. I discovered quickly that a small amount of lube will do — the non-porous stainless steel doesn't require a lot of help. The hard, curved Wand, with its expertly placed g-spot stimulator, didn't disappoint. Now, with some practice, I love the versatility of the Pure Wand — I can choose the large end or the small end, and I can decide to forgo the warming up process and give myself a shock of cold steel to keep things interesting. For me, the sexiest part of using the Pure Wand is removing it from the body. The once ice-cold steel feels almost hot to the touch — the heat combined with the weight of the toy is a sensation-slut's wet dream.

Cleaning the Pure Wand is much easier than my other toys — simply use soap and water or, if you want a deeper clean before using with a partner or switching from anal to vaginal play, boil it. Toy maker njoy says their stainless steel toys are guaranteed never to corrode or degrade — just don't use an abrasive cleaner or pad.

Generally speaking, I'm easy to please when it comes to sex toys — if it vibrates or inserts, I'll figure out how to use it to my advantage. However, I do appreciate high quality and innovation, two things the Pure Wand has in abundance, easily making it a standout favorite among the other toys in my chest.

Happy V-Day,
MM

Working Overtime

The UK's Mirror surveyed 3,000 Brits and says real estate agents get the most sex while truck drivers get the least. On one hand, I can see how the charismatic real estate agent could push more product than the solitary truck driver — however, don't you think it would be easier to get around while you're, you know, getting around?

What about Vermont? I'm guessing Burlington bartenders do well — and I know, from experience, that our local markets are full of randy grocery stockers, fishmongers and cashiers. I want to think cable guys and pizza delivery people get a ton of action — but maybe that's just my fantasy. Which careers do you think draw the most active sex lives?

(I'm also willing to bet sex bloggers would top the list — if it wasn't for this dang anonymity.)

Kisses,
MM

Shake 'n Fake

Dear Mistress Maeve,

So there I was, having sex with my man lover, when I realize that his penis is definitely not hard. So I look at him, puzzled, but instead of stopping, he continues thrusting and lets out a seemingly insincere climactic moan. Because he threw the condom away immediately, I saw no evidence of sperm. Is it possible for a man to orgasm without a hard penis? If not, what on earth does this mean?

Signed,
Soft Served

--------------------------------------

Dear Soft Served,

Men who practice the meditative art of multiple orgasm claim to be able to get off without having an erection or ejaculating; however, if your "man lover" was a master of the multi-orgasm, you'd most likely know it.

In all likelihood, your guy lost his erection, got self-conscious and decided to fake an orgasm to save your feelings. He could have gone soft for any number of reasons — stress, exhaustion, medication — none of which had to do with you. Failure to orgasm happens to us all at some point, and your boyfriend chose to take the easiest way out — fake it and forget it.

Do not take his theatrical performance as a reflection on you, but do keep an eye (and ear) out for more counterfeit climaxing. If you suspect he's having trouble coming, talk with him about it. Let him know you prefer open lines of communication and won't take his sexual issues personally. If the problems persist, suggest he get checked out by his doctor, since some prostate conditions can lead to trouble ejaculating.

Not faking it,
MM

Happy Monday

Check out this recent Durex commercial. Make sure to turn up the volume, but be forewarned — the sound effects probably aren't suitable for the office.

One Night Only?

 I came to a conclusion this week: I'm not a fan of one-night stands.

Don't get me wrong, I'm in full support of safely buying tickets to a "one night only" show; however, my vetting process is such that I usually won't sleep with someone unless I'm confident that he/she can do the job. If I'm spending the time to identify a great lay, why do it only once? The same rules apply — safe sex, discretion, no emotional entrapment — but I get the benefits of having a longer-term partner:

1. Sex with a partner gets better over time.

It takes a lot more than a few hours of buzzed fumbling to get to know a new partner. The more you get it on, the more you learn about what works for each other, thus making sex a more pleasurable experience for both parties. I am capable of having an orgasm the first time I'm with a new partner, but the orgasms are always better the second, third, fourth time. Plus, you get the benefit of flirtatious text messages and sexual tension until your next interlude — the build up is important.

2. Validation unleashes my inner sex kitten.

I freely admit to being a competitive person who thrives on praise and validation of my efforts. If you're coming back for a second helping, I'm going to feel even more confident than usual, leading to better sex.

3. Better variety.

I'm not a fan of having too many rules, but I won't do certain enjoyable sex acts the first time I sleep with someone — like receiving oral or anal. These acts, in particular, require me to give more intimately of myself, and I'm not going there the first time. Scoff, if you must — we all have our hang ups.

All that said, as I write this, I'm recalling one of the best sexual experience of my life. It was, in fact, a one-night stand (on New Year's Eve, no less). I only recently had a sexual encounter that rivaled the passion and satisfaction of that experience — and thank Goddess for that! For a while I was afraid the best sex of my life was a one-off, never to be replicated. I guess there's no real science to it, but a girl can try... (over and over again).

xoxo,
MM

Waiting Period

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I'm hoping that by writing to you and getting your opinion, I can convince my girlfriend to have sex with me while she's having her period. I'm not some fetishist who gets off on menstrual blood. I'm just a guy who likes to have sex all the time, and a little blood once a month doesn't bother me. I've read where you say it's not a big deal to have sex while you're on the rag, and I'm hoping that if she reads your response, she might rethink her ban on period sex.

Help a brother out?

Max E. Pad

-------------------------------------------

Dear Max,

I hate to dash your hopes, but my job isn't to persuade your girlfriend to sleep with you when she doesn't want to. You might be wise to remember that your girlfriend's body is a gift she gives you on her own terms — not yours.

Have you bothered to ask her why she doesn't like having sex during her period? For some women, the bloating, cramping and fatigue caused by menstruation can make sex undesirable. For others, years of societal training leave them feeling embarrassed by bodily fluids and odors. Just watch a few hours of television, and you'll see numerous commercials for products designed to sanitize the entire vaginal area. Try talking with her about her feelings — more listening, less convincing.

Having sex during menstruation is fine — some women even claim that it alleviates cramps. If your girlfriend is worried about the cosmetic details, you can suggest placing a dark towel underneath her and keeping some baby wipes nearby to clean up any messes. However, if sex is uncomfortable for her during her period, you'll need to back off and respect her boundaries.

Going with the flow,
MM