Good in bed?

"You're so good in bed."

Has anyone ever said that to you? Or have you ever told your friends about your latest partner who is "so good in bed"? It's a phrase that's always bothered me, not because I don't like giving and receiving compliments, but because it makes no sense. One person, alone, cannot be good in bed — it's all about the chemistry between partners. If you like long, sensual, romantic interludes and I like short, fast, dirty fucking — we're not going to be "good" in bed together. But, you know what they say — one lover's trash is another lover's treasure. Or, something like that.

Blogger Greta Christina delves into the "good in bed" phrase and all its inherent problems in a recent blog for Blowfish. She reiterates many of my own thoughts, but she also points out that saying someone is "good (or bad) in bed" creates a power dynamic where we should be considering each other equal parters. She says:

"It implies that being good in bed is a quality that one person has, instead of a quality that two (or more) people have together. It implies that sex is about the power one person has over another, instead of the power two (or more) people can create for themselves and each other."

If you have time, catch Greta Christina's full blog here (warning: Blowfish is a sex toy site — might not be appropriate for the workplace).

Family Vacation

Last night, I viewed some spectacular photos taken by two friends who recently took a romantic 7-day cruise around South America. There I sat —a pasty-white Vermonter who hasn't tasted real sunshine since October, pining away for the sandy beaches and clear waters of Mexico. Jealous? Sure, anyone with my severe vitamin D deficiency would be — especially when they mentioned the kind parent who'd helped pay for their trip. Lucky!

But, before I could curse my family too much for not being rich enough to send me on vacation, I happened across an essay called "Family Vacation" by Joe Lazauskas (via Nerve.com). Lazauskas describes what happened when his mother offered to pay for an all-inclusive vacation for him and his girlfriend — to Hedonism III, a sex resort. As if that wasn't enough boundary testing, his mother and her partner would be joining them. Is there a doctor (Freud) in the house?

You can read the essay here.

Happy Monday,
MM

Survey Shock

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I was absolutely appalled to learn from the Seven Days Sex Survey that at least one in every three women believes that penis size is important. I have a small penis and have been concerned about it most of my life. Thankfully I'm now in a relationship with a woman who doesn't care about such things — because if I were single and dating, I'd be panicked.

To know that we are being judged, and possibly rejected, for something we don't have any control over is really difficult to bear. When I was growing up, women were upset by men making fun of small breasts. Do two wrongs make a right?

Unless you're a man with a small penis, you couldn't possibly know how this feels — it's horrible, embarrassing, painful and scary. So, to the one-third of you women out there who think it's fun to judge penis size: You're hurting people.

Signed,
Distressed

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Dear Distressed,

First of all, while the Seven Days Sex Survey is sultry, it's certainly not scientific — so take it with a grain of salt.

You also have to consider how the question was phrased. Seven Days asked whether penis size is a factor in sexual satisfaction. Anything can be a "factor" in love making, from kissing style to body hair — but these things generally aren't deal breakers in romance or in overall erotic satisfaction.

Sure, some women are "size queens" and won't be satisfied without a monster penis — just as some men are only satisfied with a set of double Ds. Just remember, the vast majority of fish in the sea agree: It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean. If you listen to your partner and give her what she wants, you're likely to create a tsunami of pleasure, small craft or not.

Sizably,
MM

Saw That Comin'

Here's a tip: If you want to make a more powerful sex toy, DO NOT attach it to the end of a high-powered saber saw. Mmmkay?

NBC is reporting that a 27-year-old Maryland woman landed in the hospital early Sunday morning after sustaining injuries from a home-modified sex toy. The man who called 911 said he had placed the toy over a saw blade, and the woman was injured when the blade cut through the plastic toy and made contact with her body. The woman was airlifted to the hospital but was released Monday morning to recover at home.

The wounded woman spoke with the sheriff's office and told them the act was consensual.

Hope your weekend is exciting — but not as exciting as hers.
MM

Take Your Licks

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I’m a guy who could use a little help in the oral department — giving, that is. I haven't gone down on too many women, so my confidence level is rather low. (I've never brought a woman to orgasm with my tongue.) I want to please my partner, and I would appreciate any tips you could give me. I think a lot of guys would be interested in hearing what you have to say on the topic.

Thanks,
Tongue Tied

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Dear Tongue Tied,

Vaginas are like fingerprints — no two are alike. Hence, I cannot give you a start-to-finish list of instructions guaranteed to bring your partner to orgasm. I can, however, impart a few tips that most women will appreciate:

1. Ease in.
Generally speaking, consistent clitoral stimulation will bring her to orgasm, but don't go for the gusto right away. Take your time getting acquainted with her thighs and work your way in. Use a flattened tongue to stimulate the entire vulva before going in for more deliberate circular motions on the clitoris.

2. Get into it.
Show your partner you're enjoying yourself by using not only your tongue to please her, but also your lips, nose and face. Just don't get too crazy; women tend to orgasm once a good rhythm is established — switching up the pace mid-race will not get her over the finish line.

3. Give her a hand.
If you can walk and chew gum at the same time, so to speak, I highly recommend using your fingers along with the tongue action— a sure-fire way to put most women over the edge.

Above all else, communicate with your partner. Encourage her to tell you what she likes, then do your best to deliver. Also, look for her non-verbal cues. If she's raising her hips to meet your tongue, moaning, and clutching at the back of your head, you're doing something right.

Taking your licks,
MM

Athens Boys Choir Tonight!

For those of you willing to brave snowy roads tonight, I highly recommend heading down to the Juice Bar at Middlebury College to catch Athens Boys Choir — "a gender-deviant, multi-media, spoken word/hip-hop extravaganza."

The word "choir" suggests a large ensemble of gender bending entertainers, but Athens Boys Choir is comprised of one performer, Katz, who has performed with the likes of Kate Clinton, Girlyman and Ani Difranco. In fact, Athens Boys Choir is now signed to Daemon Records, Amy Ray's label — not bad, eh?

The show starts at 7pm, free and open to the public.

MM

Bad Celebrity Sex Dreams

Last week, I Twittered about my bizarre sex dream featuring me straddling Kevin Costner as he slowly morphed into Jeff Daniels. I didn't watch The Bodyguard and Dumb and Dumber back-to-back, so WTF?

My tweet prompted a friend to share her recent bad celebrity sex dream about Tim Curry — not the hot, androgynous Frank-N-Furter Tim Curry, but the older, fatter Tim Curry. I couldn't get her to divulge many details, only that the dream also included a slab of ham and crushed up Cracker Jacks. Freaky deaky.

What about you? Tell me about your most memorable bad celebrity sex dream. You can comment anonymously, just make a name and skip the other fields.

Dreamy,
MM

Over Oral?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Recently I have noticed a startling trend in my hook-ups — blow jobs seem to have gone out of style.

I am more than willing to give — even if I don't receive — but guys are turning down my offers. I don't have a snaggle-tooth, and my oral skills have gotten rave reviews in the past. I am completely baffled by this turn of events. Is there some "giving head is uncool" sex memo that I missed? If so, I would like to object. I don't have a penis, so I enjoy becoming orally acquainted with them.

Perhaps I just attract men with a fear of oral satisfaction? Do you have any insights?

Signed,
Orally Censored

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Dear Orally Censored,

Blow jobs are the "little black dress" of sex— they never go out of style. A vast majority of men enjoy receiving oral, making your run-ins with these naysayers nothing more than unfortunate coincidence.

Popular culture would have us believe that giving blow jobs is akin to scrubbing toilets and mopping floors — nothing but a "chore" for the poor women who have to perform them. Perhaps these guys were trying to be considerate and save you from your "womanly duties." What some guys don't realize is that some of us gals get seriously turned on by going downtown.

Here's a memo for you: Communication is hot, so speak up. If giving him a hummer really revs your engine, tell him. I guarantee you'll be humming a tune in no time.

xoxo,
MM

Illuminating Sexual Experience

 The folks over at Homotography recently featured the "Bedside Lamp" by product designer Matteo Cibic. This isn't your average reading lamp — it houses a high-grade silicon dildo in its base. Even better, when the toy is removed, the light switches from a white light to a soft red — sassy.

Unfortunately, these lamps are not yet for sale. Homotography says the lamps will be part of the Love Design exhibit this April in Milan, Italy as part of Salone Del Mobile Exhibition. If you're planning a trip to Italy, perhaps you'd like to bring me back a new bedfellow?

Lighting up your life,
MM