Shattered Heart

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Recently, I was dumped by the woman of my dreams. She made me reconsider ideas I had previously rejected, namely marriage and kids. Considering all these new possibilities, I experienced a mental switch so dramatic that I never considered it could end.

When she ended it, she said I was good and did nothing wrong — that it was all her, not me. But, I can’t help asking, “What could have I done to make it better?” I find it hard to believe that, if I did everything right, I don’t deserve the chance to be with her. I suffer every day with this loss. It has been a few weeks, and I don’t feel better. How will I get over this?

Shattered Heart

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Dear S.H.,

What could you have done to make it better? Absolutely nothing.

I'm sorry to break it to you, but the whole "It's not you, it's me" explanation is nothing more than a polite way of saying, "I'm just not that into you." If she felt you were right for her, nothing would stop her from being with you — but that's not the case. She's moving on, and it's time for you to do the same.

I know you're going through a difficult time, but you have to focus on the positive. A good friend likes to remind me that people come into our lives for "a season, a reason or a lifetime — and they're all important." No matter how brief the encounter, we can learn valuable lessons from every person we meet. This woman came into your life and expanded your horizons, allowing you to entertain the idea of marriage and children — this knowledge will only make you a better partner down the road. I know it's difficult for you to see now, but you will be a stronger, more complete person because of this failed relationship.  

Hang in there,
MM

Blogger vs. Beauty Queen

Sunday's Miss U.S.A pageant didn't go off without a little drama — but that's what you get when you invite controversial celebrity blogger Perez Hilton to be a guest judge.

Here's a video of runner-up Carrie Prejean of Calfiornia answering a question about gay marriage from Perez Hilton, saying, "a marriage should be between a man and a woman — no offense to anyone out there."



Miss California, you're an idiot. "No offense."

Hilton responded Monday on MSNBC, saying, "I was absolutely shocked and incredibly frustrated and hurt and disappointed because that is not the kind of woman I want to be Ms. USA." Hilton went on in that interview to revoke his former apology for calling Ms. California "the b-word," saying, "I'm going to stand by what I said, just like she's standing by what she said."

MM

Keep It Clean

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I recently had a horribly embarrassing experience with anal sex. I'll spare you the gory details — let's just say, if cleanliness is next to godliness, I was dancing with the devil.
I know anal sex can get messy, but you must have some tips for avoiding unwelcome messes?

Signed,
Mrs. Clean

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Dear Mrs. Clean,

If you're going to do anal, you have to be prepared to get your hands dirty — but perhaps not literally.
Before anal play, have a bowel movement. Feces collect in the colon and only enter the rectum shortly before you feel the urge to go; so, as long as you have a movement before sex, you’re most likely in the clear. For added cleanliness, take a shower and gently insert a soapy finger into your rectum and rinse completely — I suggest using a mild, organic soap on your most delicate of parts.

A good BM and a shower should do the trick, but if you still have that not-so-fresh feeling, you can opt for an enema of lukewarm water. If you're looking for something less invasive, try a few squirts of warm water from an ear syringe to clear the way.

And, as always, keep a container of baby wipes by the bed for those unwelcome messes, because you know what they say — "it" happens.

Squeaky clean,
MM

I left my lesbian relationship for this?

Check out the latest Louis Vuitton ad campaign for shoes (yes, you're supposed to be looking at the shoes). The photo features Kanye West and his current flame, model Amber-Rose — who reportedly left a long-term relationship with a woman for West.

The cheeky writers over at Fleshbot (not work friendly) had this to say about the ad's message: "These sneakers are so fresh that they have the power to convert lesbians who will subsequently be so impressed by your incredible style that they will faint dead away, naked, in your lap."

Indeed.

Is it just me, or does Kanye look horribly uncomfortable? Maybe it's the shoes.

Are you serial?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I recently heard the term "serial monogamist" from a friend who used it to describe the guy who dumped me a few weeks ago. We'd been dating for a couple months, taking it slow and getting along fantastically — until he suddenly "met someone" and insisted that we were, the whole time, "just friends." I've asked a number of people, Mistress, and even my therapist agrees that we were dating. He's rearranged the facts of the story to create his own version of the truth. From what I know about him and his past relationships, and from what I've read about serial monogamy, it certainly seems to fit his behavior. As hurt and angry as I am, though, I'm left wondering if he's capable of opening his eyes long enough to realize that he's thrown away a fantastic opportunity. Is there hope for a serial monogamist, or will all of his relationships be doomed to failure?

Thanks,
Didn't Deserve This

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Dear Didn't,

The Dartmouth Free Press published an interesting article in 2005 claiming that serial monogamy — the act of jumping from one relationship to the next, staying single as briefly as possible — has become the most popular dating trend of our time. The article suggests that serial monogamy is the most socially acceptable mode of dating, a happy medium between polyamory (having multiple partners at once) and the lifelong monogamy expected by previous generations.

Ironically, serial monogamy breeds both a fear of a commitment and a fear of being alone — a Catch-22 that your guy could be experiencing. But, honestly, if he's not willing to admit you were even dating, why waste your time trying to analyze his behavior? If his fear of commitment is beyond his control, it is most certainly beyond yours. No, you didn't deserve this. But it's time to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and take this as a lesson learned: Open the lines of communication early — if you believe you're "dating," let it be known.

Serially yours,
MM

 

Hit the Lights

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Even though I know all of us women are supposed to love our bodies and not care what society says, I can’t help but feel self-conscious. I don’t think I’m any more or less self-conscious than most of my female friends, but I just can’t seem to get over my fear of being naked in front of the men I date. I’ve been single and dating for a couple years, and when it comes to getting intimate, I always insist upon turning out the lights. Having sex in utter darkness is just ridiculous, yet I can’t seem to get over it. I can tell it disappoints my partners, and I want to change. Do you have any tips for how I can be more confident with my body?

Thanks,
Doing It Dark

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Dear D.I.D,

Unless you’re some type of superhero, impervious to the powers of the media and its constant barrage of images of the unattainable female form, feeling self-conscious is a normal occurrence.  But you have to remember — if a guy is in bed with you, he’s already decided you’re attractive, and a little cellulite here or a jiggle there isn’t going to change his mind. Besides, if you don’t care that he’s not a perfect cross between Brad Pitt and Vin Diesel, what makes you think he’s judging you so harshly? The reality is that his judgments aren’t casting you into the darkness; your own self-critique is.

You don’t need to lose weight or get plastic surgery to step into the light. Instead, focus on valuing your body the way it is — try yoga, meditation or even therapy to get centered. The closer you get to yourself, the more apt you are to allow others closer to you.

In the meantime, try some soft candlelight — it’s alluring and extremely forgiving. If you want something a little brighter, why not invest in some sexy lingerie? Believe me, a well-fitting corset draws his eye to your assets while hiding a multitude of sins.

Lighting up your life,
MM

Forty Sexiest Frontwomen in Rock History

Nerve.com recently named the Forty Sexiest Frontwomen in Rock History. Among the chosen were no-brainers like Joan Jett, Debbie Harry, Patti Smith and Janis Joplin. Some of the more contemporary and unconventional picks were Regina Spektor, Peaches, Miho Hatori (Cibo Matto), Beth Ditto (The Gossip) and Karen O (Yeah Yeah Yeahs).

Nerve editors overlooked Vermont's sassy songstress, Grace Potter -- however, doesn't that Getty Image on the first page look like Grace? Hmmm...

Who is the sexiest frontwoman of all time? Tina Turner, of course.

Kissing Colleagues

Dear Mistress Maeve,

A guy I've been out on a couple dates with wants to apply for a job at the company I work for, and I'm nervous about it. It's a great job, and he'd be a great candidate, but I like this guy, and I've always been taught that business and pleasure don't mix. It's not like I work for a large corporation with different departments — we'd be working in cubicles within earshot of one another.

I love my job and don't want anything to get in the way of my success. Should I discourage him from applying, even though I know he won't find another opportunity like this in our current economy? If he gets the job, do we have to stop seeing one another?

Signed,
Company Woman

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Dear C.W.,

You're right to be wary. But did you know that a staggering 40 percent of Americans find partners in the cubicle maze, according to DiscoveryHealth.com? With all the time we spend at the office, it's no surprise so many of us end up dating coworkers.

If you like this guy and feel he's a good candidate for the position, don't discourage him from applying — you'll only be doing him and the company a disservice. Besides, if he applies anyway and doesn’t get hired, you’ll have caused a rift for no reason.

Encourage him to apply and be supportive. If he gets the job, have an honest talk with him about your worries. To continue seeing each other, you’ll need to draw some strict boundaries. For instance, absolutely no public displays of affection at the office (or in the parking lot during lunch). And you should limit the number of people in the office who know about your relationship — at least until you decide you're seriously committed.

Don't forget to have a look at your company handbook. While most companies now tolerate intraoffice romances, you don't want his "stimulus package" to leave you both unemployed.

Workin' it,
MM