Action!

Dear Mistress,

My boyfriend really wants to videotape us having sex, and I'm warming up to the idea, but I'm still nervous. I'm not worried about the video falling into the wrong hands, as we would record it onto my camera, and I would have total control. I'm more worried about what will happen if I'm horrified at the sight of myself having sex. I think we can all agree that things wiggle and jiggle during the act. What if I'm so turned off by myself that I never want to have sex again? (OK, that's a little dramatic, but you know what I'm saying.) Couldn't he have thought of this idea during the summer, when I at least had a tan?

Mistress, you must have some tips on how a girl can look her best on camera. Help!

Thanks,
Camera Shy

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Dear Camera Shy,

Kudos to you for being willing to step outside your comfort zone and try something new. Seeing yourself in all of your boot-knockin' glory can be a daunting thought, but you have to think of yourself as a leading lady — you're hot, no matter what wiggles and jiggles.

Your on-screen debut doesn't have to be under fluorescent lights through a wide-angle lens. Dim the lighting and consider some creative camera positions. Instead of a full-body shot, set up the camera to capture your face and chest while your guy takes you from behind. If you're still feeling shy, add a sassy piece of lingerie to flatter your shape and make you feel more confident.

To get more ideas, check out some amateur porn online — couples all over the world are revolutionizing porn in their own bedrooms, and you can benefit from their expertise. If you can relax and have fun with this project, you'll give new meaning to the command "Action!"

Ready for my close-up,
MM

I Vant To Suck Your Venis

The world has gone Vampire crazy. With Twilight and "True Blood" clogging up our pop culture veins, we're ready to bleed for Edward and Vampire Bill -- and some of us like that idea.

Fleshjack (makers of Fleshlight) came up with a positively spooky way to capitalize on our fang fantasies with Count Cockula -- a soft, fleshy canal with an opening shaped like Brad Pitt's pretty mouth in Interview with a Vampire. Here's what Fleshjack has to say:

Polish up your stake and drive it into this soft, vampire mouth for an orgasm that will wake the living dead. Packing the same punch as the original Fleshjacks but housed in a compact soda can and featuring the exclusive Vampire Fang inner canal texture not found on any other Fleshjack product.

If you've ever wanted a lap dance at Fangtasia, this just might be the product for you.

Happy Halloweenie,
MM

Tough Love

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I met a fantastic guy about a year ago, and it was obvious we had romantic chemistry. After a couple months, he expressed his hesitance about a relationship, and so we've continued as friends. We spend absurd amounts of time together and have become beautiful, supportive friends. However, the romantic air remains between us, and every couple months I bring it up, asking "Is this more than a friendship?" He always answers, "Maybe one day, but at this moment, I'm comfortable with how things are."

A couple weeks ago, he revealed that he'd been dating a couple other women. When I asked him why he didn't tell me about it, he said he didn't think we could talk about such matters. Indeed, I've been out on dates and haven't told him for the same reason. I asked him to tell me whether anything was ever going to happen between us, because if not, I would apply to grad school that much sooner. Then he freaked — and kissed me. We were kissing, he was crying; it was overload.

The next day he said he had taken off work to think about it, and as much as he wishes differently, he only sees friendship between us. The worst part is, it's been two weeks since this happened, and we've barely spoken. I need some honest feedback from someone outside my social circle.

Signed,

Friendly Matters

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Dear Friendly,

If you're looking for honest feedback, try this on for size: Your friendship is toxic — and you're both to blame. It sounds like he has taken advantage of your romantic feelings for him, soaking up all your doting support without truly returning your love. Furthermore, he's being selfish. When you talked about going to grad school, he "freaked" and wouldn't let you go, yet he will not give you what you so deeply desire.

As for your part, you must start putting yourself first and quit waiting for him to come around. One thing's for sure — whether he cares for you romantically or not, he's not ready to be with you. It's time to move on. Date, go to grad school. Do it now! Do not let a dysfunctional relationship stop you from pursuing your dreams — you will regret it.

Give your friendship some breathing room and time to heal. If you're meant to be friends, you'll find your way back to each other.

Just friends,

MM

 

 

Just Ducky

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I'm having an issue with my roommate, and I hope you can tell me how to handle it with her. A couple weeks ago, I discovered what I thought was an innocent rubber ducky in our shower. When I picked it up, I noticed a battery panel on the bottom and the words "I Rub My Duckie." I might be a little more conservative than her when it comes to sex, but did she really think I wouldn't know it was a vibrator?!

Some days she leaves it in the shower; other days it disappears. I think it's incredibly disrespectful to leave one's sex toys lying around in shared living space. How would you suggest I take care of this situation? I don't know if I'm more upset that she would leave her toy in the shower, or that she thinks I'm stupid enough not to know what it is.

Thanks,

Just Ducky

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Dear Ducky,

The "I Rub My Duckie" vibrator is one of the most popular waterproof toys on the market, though I don't understand why. With its awkward ducky shape and creepy smiling eyes, I didn't think it was all it was quacked up to be. Plus, it reminds me of Ernie from “Sesame Street” singing, "Rubber ducky, you're the one..." But I digress.

I agree — leaving sex toys in shared living space is unacceptable. The best approach is to be direct and calm. Let her know you like being her roommate, but request that she keep her more intimate items in her own room.

If you're worried she thinks you're a moron when it comes to sex toys, try educating her on vibrator care. Tell her she should take the batteries out of her vibrator between uses unless she wants them to corrode — leaving her precious ducky dead in the water.

Like water off a duck's back,

MM

"Big" News

I somehow missed this September 16 blog post from the House of LeMay reporting that Vermont ranks 34th out of 51 in the Manhunt penis poll (apparently this contest is run like Ms. America -- 50 states plus the District of Columbia).

According to the study, Vermont men report an average length of 7.16" in length — not bad, considering the national average is somewhere closer to 5.5" (erect, of course). The top prize goes to the men of the Washington D.C., coming in at a whopping 7.59". The least well-endowed state goes to Alaska, but as Amber LeMay points out, you have to consider "shrinkage."

While this pole... errr, poll... is entirely unscientific, it's mighty entertaining. Just one question: What about girth?

MM

Porn Precautions

I have to hand it to people who have the patience and cooperation skills to live with roommates. I don't like sharing, I don't like people touching my stuff — and I especially don't like muzzling my sexual activities. Whether it's getting it on with a partner or going it solo, I don't like to be quiet, and I prefer to experiment in all rooms of the house. So, you see, I'm not exactly roommate material.

Unlike me, my friend Sasha is a great roommate (name changed to protect the innocent). She's laid back, tidy, and she likes to bake. However, Sasha also likes to watch porn. I'm sure her attractive, single male roommate also likes porn, but they do not participate in this activity — or any other sexual activities — together.

Arriving home late one night from work, Sasha said goodnight to her roomie and proceeded to her bedroom where she popped on her headphones and surfed over to her favorite porno website. After rubbing one out, she removed her headphones, but she could still hear the loud moans of the porn, blasting full-volume from her laptop — she had neglected to plug the headphones into the computer.

Woops.

I told her not to worry about it. The only consequence of a guy hearing his cute female roommate get off to porn is a hard-on, and I'm sure he's okay with that. Obviously, she should make doubly sure to plug in the headphones in the future, but we've all been caught with our pants down (some of us more than others).

How about you? Got any embarrassing masturbation or porn stories to share on this manic Monday?

xoxo,
MM

It's not delivery, it's "no homo"

Just when Kanye West didn't need any more negative press...

Hip-hop lyrics are notorious for their homophobic content, but I had no idea that a new phrase — "no homo" — was making it's way into mainstream hits like the Jay-Z, Rihanna and Kanye West joint, "Run This Town." Super lame.

Check out Bryan Safi's take on the state of "no homo" in his hilarious segment called "That's Gay" that airs as part of Current TV's weekly show infoMania. (Thanks to Amber LeMay for posting to Facebook.)

Sizing Him Up

Hi Mistress,

I've been seeing this adorable guy for just about a month or so. I really like him, and we have great sexual chemistry, but he is not well endowed, and it's beginning to be a problem. I'm a very sexual woman and have been for a while. Over time, I've determined that I need a little more than an average-sized man to satisfy me. We've discovered positions that allow him deeper access, but they also require him to do most of the work — and I usually have to assist in order to have my "Big O."

I feel bad that he's doing all the work. Plus, I don't ever get the chance to take control in bed because I end up focusing too much on making up for what he's lacking. What are some positions that would give me more control and an orgasm while allowing him to relax? Or am I just going to have to let this guy go?

Sincerely,

O-less

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Dear O-less,

Let this guy go? I understand that satisfying sex is of the utmost importance, but ditching an "adorable" guy you have "great sexual chemistry" with over size is just plain crazy. Plus, it doesn't sound like you're "O-less" — you just have to work a little harder to get there.

Any position that allows you to keep your thighs together will make his member feel larger. Try lying on your belly with your pelvis propped up by a pillow while he enters you from behind. Or lie on your back and draw your knees up to your ears — this will shorten your vaginal canal and make it feel like he's filling you up.

Great sex takes work, so quit feeling guilty that your guy has to break a sweat to get you off. Furthermore, there's no reason you can't engage in more than one position per session — so let him please you first, then climb on top so he can relax and enjoy the ride to the finish line.

Small talk,

MM

 

 

 

 

 

Revv This

 

Vermont's auto repair industry got an injection of estrogen earlier this year when Girlington Garage opened in South Burlington. According to an article in Seven Days, owner Demeny Pollitt felt auto repair shops treated her differently because of her sex, so she got her degree from Vermont Tech and eventually started her own shop where people would be treated with respect, regardless of gender.

From what I gather, Girlington Garage has gained a strong word-of-mouth reputation for being a trustworthy and professional shop -- and their marketing is great. You can now get your own pair of official Girlington Garage panties! I'm please to see Girlington Garage embracing the undeniably sexy aspect of what they're doing. I mean, let's face it:  Smart, savvy women running an auto repair shop is HOT, and the management is capitalizing on this niche. Good for you, ladies.

For more info, check out Girlington Garage online.

Vroom,
MM

Virgin Territory

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Unlike those of most of your readers, my sex question pertains to a lack of it. I'm a 41-year-old male virgin who's never had a relationship. Women have been like fleeting birds in my life. What are the consequences of lack of sex, and how do I get started? Online dating hasn't gone anywhere. Should I keep trying the "casual encounters" route, or attend church for more socialization? What about therapy? I want a relationship, but anything would be good enough right now. Can you help?

Signed,

Lonely Vermonter

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Dear Lonely,

Popular culture would have us believe that Americans are having sex all the time with everyone from coworkers to neighbors to MILFs to escorts. But that's simply not true — most of us are as hard up as you are. Sure, it's a little odd that you're 41 years old and have yet to hump, but that doesn't make you an undateable leper.

The only consequence of lack of sex is a debilitating lack of confidence, which I fear is a major factor contributing to your empty social calendar. Forget online dating and hook-up sites where you're just one dude in a sea of dudes trying to get their swerves on. Instead, focus on joining groups or participating in activities that show your talents. Take a cooking class, volunteer at your church or host a World of WarCraft meetup — whatever floats your boat. If you begin meeting women with similar interests to your own, you'll greatly increase your chances of developing the relationship you crave.

As for therapy, I recommend it for everyone. Talking with friends is great, but there's nothing like the attentive ear and helpful suggestions of an objective professional. Go for it.

In virgin territory,

MM