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Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Straight-O Student

Dear Mistress,

I'm a twentysomething girl, and I've been with my boyfriend for a little less than a year. We're having some difficulties. Mainly, the problem is my inability to orgasm regularly. I really like being with him, and I know it disappoints him not to "please me." I have had orgasms with him, but it has only happened when I've "assisted" him. I guess I don't do it on a regular basis because it makes me feel self-conscious to touch myself in front of him.

He recently suggested that I try masturbating more on my own, thinking it might help me orgasm more with him. I'm upset by his suggestion because I feel like he's giving me homework to do in order to have sex with him. What do you think, MM? Am I overreacting? How do I fix this?

Touchy Subject


Dear Touchy Subject,

I recently had the pleasure of listening to Kelly Arbor, a sex educator from Babeland, give a talk on gender and sexual pleasure. During his talk, he suggested that we must spend time masturbating to learn how our bodies like to be touched. Arbor says expecting our partners to know how to touch us when we don't know how to touch ourselves is "a lot to put on someone." I have to agree.

Your boyfriend has made an excellent suggestion. The more comfortable you are with your body, the better you'll be able to coach him on giving you an orgasm. His "homework" isn't meant to penalize you; it's meant to help you and strengthen your relationship.

The even better news is, you already know how to have an orgasm with him. Touching yourself during sex with a partner is not weird — many people do it, and most partners find it hot to watch.

In the end, it's all about being intimate with your partner and sharing the ultimate of pleasures; exchanging "homework" assignments and discussing your bodies without fear will only create a stronger bond between you. So put on your schoolgirl uniform and crack the books.

Studiously yours,

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Kissed Off

Dear Mistress,

I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for a year. We are monogamous, and presumably most of our other lesbian friends are, too. However, when our group goes out on the town and the tequila shots start flowing, it generally turns into a no-holds-barred make-out fest. Our friends are all very flirty, and they view
French kissing as other people view handshakes — no big deal.

When my girlfriend and I first discussed our friends' loose lips, she was adamantly opposed to us making out with other people, saying it felt like cheating. I was sort of disappointed, because I think making out is harmless fun. So you can imagine my surprise when we were out last Saturday, and I turned around and saw her kissing a girl on her hockey team. At first I was excited and encouraged it, but then I got kind of pissed when we got home. Shouldn't we have talked about this again first?

Lip Locked


Dear Lip Locked,

You're right — if you and your girl previously decided not to participate in your friends' kissing circles, she should have initiated a talk with you before locking lips with her teammate.

However, you're now in a classic "don't cut your nose off to spite your face" situation. If you want to be able to slide lips with your friends on the dance floor, do not overreact to your partner's infraction. Approach her calmly and let her know how you're feeling about what happened. Explain to her that while you're willing — and even a little excited — to discuss kissing outside your relationship, you wish she had thought to run it by you beforehand.

If you decide to open your mouths to others, be sure to set parameters you're both comfortable with. Do both of you need to be present, or can this extracurricular kissing happen on a solo night out? Can you only make out with friends, or are strangers fair game? If jealousy issues come up, how will you deal with them?

And one more thing: Though kissing is relatively safe, it's not 100 percent benign. Be sure the girls you're smooching are worth the risks of mononucleosis, herpes and swine flu.

Kissed off,

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Roommates to Mates?

Dear Mistress,

I recently broke up with my boyfriend, and I have a dilemma. I've been roommates with Joe (not his real name) for a few months, and he's a great guy. Whenever we’re home, we laugh and talk a lot. We went to a friend’s party together and had a great time, but I can’t tell if he is interested in me. Considering my recent state of singleness, I'm hesitant to get involved with Joe, because I don’t want to transfer any residual feelings I have for my ex onto him.

To remove temptation, I set Joe up with a friend of mine. I’ve heard they are having fun, and now I am envious that my friend gets to enjoy Joe’s romantic interest. My questions are: Has roommate-turned-cuddle-buddy ever produced a noncomplex relationship that didn’t end badly? Should I have bit the bullet and told Joe about my interest in him and not introduced him to my friend? Can I still tell him, even though he’s gone on dates with my friend?

Awaiting your sage advice,
Close to Home


Dear Close to Home,

Does Joe know he's living in a post-breakup crazy house? You say you like him, yet you set him up with your friend. You say you're ready to start dating again, yet you're concerned about residual feelings for your ex. It's perfectly natural to act irrationally after a breakup — but you're bringing it a little too close to home.

I suspect you're crushing on your roommate to occupy your time and make you feel less lonely. Furthermore, you most likely set him up with your friend so you could go on crushing without having to make any moves. Let it go. Leave the drama alone and take the time you need to get over your boyfriend.

However, if your home fires continue to burn for Joe, you'll have to move out and then let your feelings be known. Trust me — "roommates-turned-cuddle-buddies" usually turn into "roommates-turned-enemies."

Room for Mates,

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Waiting Game

Dear Mistress,

I'm a guy. I like sex (perhaps even more than the average guy). So here's my question: While I can't envision being happy in a long-term relationship without a healthy diet of good sex, I've found that leaping into sexual activity too early in a relationship can — if the sex is really good — put one or both people into a state of blissful desire that can make everything seem exceptionally swell, even if other forms of compatibility may be lacking.

At the same time, dating too long without makin' some moves can have its own drawbacks — you might become very fond of someone, only to find out you're not cut out for bliss in bed.

I'm at a point in life where I want a lasting relationship, but I don't want to wait too long to have sex with a potential partner. Where's the happy medium?

First Date Mate


Dear Mate,

While it's important to know whether you're compatible when it comes to communication, values and goals, it's also important to know if you click in the bedroom. Couples "come together" there to reconnect in the most intimate of ways — and the chemistry has to exist.

That said, if you're looking for a lasting relationship, you would be wise to keep it in your pants for at least a few fact-finding dates. (Forget movies or loud bars where you can't get to know each other in a meaningful way.) If you're still craving her after a number of dates, you're cleared to move it to the bedroom — that is, if she's willing to go with you.

And just because you're not having sex doesn't mean you can't discover clues to your potential chemistry. Kissing, if given the chance, is an incredibly erotic and telling way to explore each other intimately without doing the deed. If your tongues are compatible, chances are your naughty bits will be, too.


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