Madonna vs. Whore

Dear Mistress,

I'm a single woman in my thirties who understands her sexual needs and is not afraid to fulfill them. I've been single for a while, and I date quite a bit.

Recently I was having a "fling" with this guy. He made it very clear he did not want more, and I was fine with that. When we took a short break, I had a "fling" with another guy. Later, I started things up with the first guy again, and it ended shortly thereafter.

I recently found out that these two guys know each other and that they somehow figured out that I had "flung" with both of them. Now I'm the "bad girl." Neither one of them wanted a relationship with me — so why am I in the wrong?

I am sad to find that the old double standard still exists. I did not lead anyone on, nor did I make any vows of exclusivity; thus their problem with me must have more to do with me being a sexually confident female who can separate love and sex. Why is it that "boys will be boys," but girls need to be prudes, virgins or whores?

Can you help us open-minded ladies open the minds of these supposedly open-minded men?

Signed,
Jezebel

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Dear Jezebel,

What we've got here is a classic example of the Madonna/whore dichotomy wherein a woman must either be wholesome, and therefore "good," or sexy, and therefore "bad" — leaving no room for her to be both the Madonna and the whore.

Men like the ones you "flung" with buy into these female archetypes, displaying signs of a Madonna/whore complex. Meaning that they will happily have sex with the "whore" behind closed doors but will only allow themselves to love, marry and have children with the virginal Madonna.

It's high time that sexually confident women got their due; just because a woman knows what she likes sexually and goes after it in the short term does not make her an unfit partner in the long term. Further, men should stop punishing themselves by not giving the "whore" a chance if, in fact, she's what they most desire. 

Jezebel, stay strong. Eventually the right person will come along who honors both the "virgin" and the "whore" in you — or, at least, that's what I keep telling myself.

Whorishly yours,
MM

Engaging Conversation

Dear Mistress,

I'm a woman in my mid-twenties, and I'll be a college graduate in a few months. I have two questions. Is there a deadline in a relationship to move on to the next level? (Like, for example, is five years too long to wait for a relationship to progress?) Secondly, I am in a committed relationship, and I am waiting for my partner to propose. Should I just take matters into my own hands and propose to my partner myself?

Signed,
Anonymous

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Dear Anonymous,

It's amazing that, even after all the gender-role smashing we've done, the most independent of women still get caught up in the engagement game — some to the point of mania. Anticipating a proposal can turn an otherwise smart, confident woman into a self-conscious pile of passive mush.

While there's nothing wrong with your proposing to your partner, be sure you're not acting out of a desperate need for validation in your relationship. Furthermore, forget the Hollywood notion of the surprise proposal on bended knee — it just doesn't work that way for most couples.

Generally, couples communicate about their hopes and goals surrounding marriage and family. Have you talked with your partner about the future? If you can muster up the courage to propose, why not dial it back a notch and simply say, "I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you, and I need to know whether or not we're on the same page." Start there and see what happens. If you're both in love and intend to stick by each other, who really gives a care about a ring?

Engagingly,
MM

SMOOCH!

Have you voted for your favorites in Smooch: The Seven Days Kissing Contest?

Seven Days asked readers to submit photos and videos of their sweetest, sexiest and most creative smooches for a chance to win prizes from Lake Placid Lodge and Von Bargen's.

Some of the entries are smokin' hot, so what are you waiting for? Vote now! (Click the Kissing Contest banner at the top of the page.)

Winners will be announced February 24 in the Seven Days Sex Issue!

Happy Valentine's Day,
MM

Cyber Brush-off?

Dear Mistress,

I hit the bars last weekend and met this girl. We hung out for the better part of the night, drinking and playing pool. When she and her friends were leaving, I asked for her number. She ended up writing down her email address. WTF? I swear I didn't do anything to deserve it. I was a total gentleman and didn't even spill any beer on my shirt. I thought she was into me, so what's with the cyber brush-off?

Signed,
Cyber Crushed

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Dear Cyber Crushed,

Stop being such a neophyte. We live in a world where the phone is just one of many ways to communicate with a possible mate. Whether she asked you to call, text, Facebook, Twitter or IM her, it sounds like she wanted to get to know you better, and you're blowing it by letting so much time go by.

If you could put your ego aside for a moment, you might see that this girl was actually trying to be smart. In this day and age, a girl can't be too careful — an email address is far less personal than a phone number. Or she could have a limited phone plan and doesn't want to use up her minutes on a guy who could turn out to be a dud.

Write her an email. Be charming and witty, and ask her out. Oh, and be sure to spell check — I knew a woman who used to give out her email address to weed out all the dummies.

TTYL,
MM

Toying with Valentine's Day

Dear Mistress,

I need some advice right away. Last weekend, my girlfriend was hosting a get-together for some of her girlfriends. I was in the kitchen getting a snack before returning to my man lair to watch the game, when I overheard them talking about sex toys. A roomful of women talking about sex toys — every guy's wet dream, right? Well, from the tone of my girlfriend's voice, I got the impression that she'd be into having a toy.

I am flabbergasted and don't want to miss out on this opportunity — I just never thought she'd go for something like that. I can't stop thinking about her and a sex toy. Valentine's Day is quickly approaching. Should I buy her something?

Signed,
Dude in Toyland

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Dear Dude in Toyland,

As exciting as it may seem to surprise your lady with a sex toy on Valentine's Day, you're likely to receive a better reaction from her if you discuss it beforehand and make an educated purchase — especially if you're planning to forgo the roses and chocolates.

When the moment's right, talk with her about adding a toy to the mix and observe her response. Keep in mind that she and her girlfriends may have been discussing the use of toys for masturbation, not necessarily using them with significant others. (By the way, either scenario is a win for you — women who masturbate more often have a better sense of how to get off with a partner.) If she's open to the idea, suggest that you browse some toys online together. Sex toys come in all different shapes, sizes and functions, and it's important to know what your girlfriend likes. Does she prefer clitoral or vaginal stimulation? Does she want a high-powered vibrator or a classic insertable with no batteries required? The bonus here is that the mere act of browsing toys online could lead to a hot round of pre-Valentine's Day lovin'.

And, please, don't skimp on your first purchase. You wouldn't buy your girlfriend gas-station roses on Valentine's Day, so don't buy her a cheap toy, either.

Toying with you,
MM

Bella? Really?

In case you didn't know, I lust after Joan Jett. On the opposite end of the spectrum, I loathe Kristen Stewart (a.k.a one-note Bella Swan from the Twilight movie series). Naturally, I was a little skeptical when I heard Stewart would play Jett in the upcoming silver screen version of The Runaways premiering this spring.

However, after seeing the movie stills and teaser trailer, I'm starting to think Stewart might be hot enough and moody enough to pull off the role. Dakota Fanning as Cherie Currie, on the other hand... not so much.

As for Jett's reaction to seeing Kristen Stewart dressed and ready to play the part, she told MTV News, "It was amazing." Alright, Joan — I'll trust you on this one.

(Photo courtesy of The Runaways official Facebook page)