Handle It

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I'm sure you get this one a lot, but what is a good way to stop the habit of masturbation? I have been told that it does no harm to the body and that it's fine to be doing it as much as I want. However, I would still like to stop for reasons of my own. Do you have any tricks to break the habit? I'm not religious, so no luck there, and I've tried all sorts of other ways. Could I get a little help here?

Signed,
Beat It

----------------------------

Dear Beat It,

Actually, I don’t get this question a lot — and, frankly, I’m struggling to grasp why you’d want to deprive yourself of one of life’s greatest joys. As long as you’re not missing work or other obligations to jerk off, and as long as you’re not consistently choosing masturbation over having sex with a partner, there’s no reason to quit. In fact, getting off is a proven stress reliever for both men and women, and some studies point to masturbation as a means of keeping men’s prostates healthy.

So what’s with the angst? Are you afraid of getting caught? Did something awful happen to you in childhood that now makes whacking off emotionally destructive? If you have some deep-rooted issues about masturbation, I highly recommend seeing a therapist. Our bodies want to orgasm, and I’m afraid you’ll have a miserable existence if you live the rest of your days trying to avoid dates with Pamela Handerson.

Handling It,
MM

Weight-ing

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I grew up fat. Very, very fat. I didn’t date very much. When I did "date," I slept with the guy right away and never heard from him again. Eventually, I found a cool guy who was fine with just having a sexual relationship, and we’ve been having sex for about 10 years.

Now, I’ve lost all the weight and gained some self-esteem. I still see my sex buddy three to four times a month. The sex is AWESOME, but that’s all it is — sex.  We don't talk on the phone, hang out or run in the same group of friends. I date, but I have yet to meet anyone I’d leave my sex buddy for — so I end up sleeping with both my “dates” and my sex buddy (carefully, of course).

My problem now is that I am dating a very nice guy, and I like him. I want a boyfriend, and I think I could have something awesome with this guy. However, I don't know how (nor do I really want) to lose my sex buddy. I'm afraid to lose what I have — great sex and a special friend — for a chance at a real boyfriend.

Signed,
Weight-ing

-----------------------------------

Dear Weight-ing,

You struck up a convenient relationship with your sex buddy when your self-esteem was at an all-time low. It sounds like you weren’t able to accept love when you were heavier, and your sex buddy offered you a way to be sexually satisfied without being emotionally vulnerable.

Now that you’ve lost the weight, it’s time to clean house. Just as you go through your closet and get rid of the clothes that are now too big, you must also toss out the habits and relationships that no longer fit.

You are hanging on to your sex buddy because you’re afraid to let go and accept that you are good enough to love and be loved. If you truly want a boyfriend, it’s time to say goodbye to a 10-year relationship that is holding you back. You’re physically skinny — now it’s time to slim down emotionally.

Big love,
MM

V Is For Vibrator

One of the creative (and depraved) folks in the Seven Days design department sent me a link to "Effing Typeface," a font created by Alex Merto. Needless to say, it's my new favorite font, and I will use it to write everything from emails to business letters.

Here's the link to view the font. The site is safe for work viewing, but some of the lettering gets a little unsavory.

Q&A with MM

Ever wonder what it's like being a sex columnist? Peek behind the curtain by reading my Q&A with the folks from Planned Parenthood of Northern New England's blog called Consensual Text.

Consensual Text is PPNNE's naughty and irreverent look at sex and relationships in mainstream culture. Everything from banned ads, to info on the speed of sperm, book reviews and, of course, good information about staying safe.

Pretty cool.

xoxo,
MM

Lurid Digs

A warning before we begin: Some of these links are absolutely NOT okay for work viewing (even on Casual Friday).

My gay friends were all a-twitter this week with Lurid Digs -- a blog-style site dedicated to "horrifying gay amateur interiors." By trolling the Internet to find gay men shooting amateur porn in horrifyingly decorated (or just plain nasty) rooms, Lurid Diggs strives to smash the myth that all gay men are naturally-talented interior designers. In fact, the creators of Lurid Digs say, "These Feng Shui-challenged souls have proven over and over again that male homosexuals can be just as color uncoordinated, sloppy and nastee as their straight brethren . . . the gap between what defines gay and straight is slowly beginning to zipper shut."

The site features hilarious commentary about photos of gay men getting it on in rooms that look like your grandparents house and a college fraternity house had a lovechild and named it "Tasteless." The commentators are well-known in cyber circles -- Heather Corinna, Publisher of Scarleteen, and Sean Horlor, Vancouver gay blogger from Xtra.ca, to name a couple.

Again, don't check out Lurid Digs at work, but you MUST check it out. I never knew lava lamps were making such a comeback in the gay community...

Thanks, but no thanks

Dear Mistress,

I have ads on a few different online dating sites, and I have a question about etiquette. If a guy sends me a “flirt” or a “wink,” and I’m not interested, am I obliged to send him a “No, thank you,” or can I just ignore him?

My guy friend, who is a seasoned online dater, tells me that it’s standard practice to send a polite note, but I hate awkwardness. (Hello! That’s why I’m meeting guys online and not in person!) Isn’t my silence enough of an indicator without sending them a cyber rejection?

Signed,
Wink This

--------------------------

Dear Wink This,

While it might seem to rude to some, it’s perfectly fine to ignore a “flirt” or “wink.” It takes very little effort to send a virtual wink, so you shouldn’t feel obligated to expend energy on a rejection note. Even on sites that offer to send a polite “Thanks, but no thanks” for you with an easy click of the mouse, you’re not required.

On the other hand, if someone takes the time to write you a thoughtful note, you might consider a single-line response saying, “Thank you, but I don’t think we’re a match.” Most certainly, if you’ve exchanged a few messages back and forth before deciding you’re not interested, do not disappear into the Internet ether — send a polite explanation before moving on.

IMHO,
MM

Nuptials Nonsense

Dear Mistress Maeve,

This is maybe more of a “friend” question than a “relationship” question, but I would really appreciate hearing your point of view. I’m going to change names and scenarios so as not to piss some people off.
I have a friend (let’s call her “Amber”). Amber is getting married next January. They decided to have a destination wedding in Mexico at an all-inclusive resort, meaning that guests would need to pay for airfare and accommodations. All in all, this is probably going to cost most couples somewhere in the neighborhood of $3000.

I have no problem with destination weddings — hey, whatever you want to do. But here’s the problem: Amber swore up and down to her friends and family that she knew not everyone would be able to make the wedding, given the cost. However, when I told her I couldn’t spend the cash, she seemed totally miffed and has been giving me the cold shoulder ever since. When she began talking about the wedding, she would consult me on everything, and now she won’t discuss it at all. WTF?!

Please help. I can’t afford to go to this wedding, but I also can’t afford to lose my good friend.

Signed,
Something Blue

----------------------------

Dear Blue,

For the couple looking to cut down on the stress and guest list of traditional nuptials, a destination wedding is a great choice; however, the couple-to-be must realize that not everyone is willing or able to celebrate with a weeklong vacation.

You have no control over Bridezilla’s cold shoulder routine. The best you can do is ask her out for coffee and have a chat. Check your annoyance at the door and tell her that you’re sincerely sorry you can’t make the wedding and that her friendship is important to you. To let her know you care, offer to help with wedding preplanning or the bachelorette party. Whether Amber softens and brings you back into the wedding fold is up to her, but you’ll sleep soundly knowing you took the high road while standing your ground.

If you want to keep it classy, have a wedding gift awaiting them at the resort — a gift certificate for dinner or a spa treatment should do the trick.

I do,
MM