Bummed Out

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Just finished up my junior year of college and will be returning next semester, living with the same group of guys I roomed with this year. I’ve been chill with these guys since first-year orientation, and I thought I knew everything about them. However, a situation just occurred that I can’t get forget about.

On the last day of our lease, one of my housemates apparently thought we had all moved out, but I still had one load of stuff to take out. When I went back, I found him beating off in the living room. He thought he would be alone, so no big deal — but I know that I saw something in his butt. Is this a normal thing for men to do? Does this mean he’s gay? Because I don’t know any straight guys who let anything near their asses. I don't want it to be weird next semester.

Signed,
Exit Only

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Dear Exit Only,

Would you feel weird about being his roommate because you caught him masturbating, or because you think he’s gay? Either way, it’s time for you to grow up and see this situation for what it is: no big deal.

Sure, whacking off in a common area of the house is a no-no — but, like you said, he thought everyone had moved out. As far as the “something” in his butt is concerned, it doesn’t make him gay. In fact, the only thing it makes him is more sexually enlightened than you. The anus has thousands of sensitive nerve endings, plus it gives you access to your prostate. Many men, gay and straight alike, derive immense pleasure from anal stimulation with a tongue, finger or toy.

Walking in on your roommate getting busy with himself must have been a shock, but by the time next semester rolls around, it will most likely be a distant memory. If it turns out your roomie is gay, you shouldn’t allow it to have any bearing on your friendship — he’s still the same guy you’ve known for years.
Use this awkward experience to further your own sexual exploration. Before you go knocking anal pleasure, you might want to try it. Who knows, you might change your “Exit Only” sign to read “Entrance in Rear.”

Bum’s rush,
MM

It Bears Repeating

As some of you may recall, I've long lusted after gay bears — you know, gay men of the big, brawny and hairy variety. Unfortunately for me, I am not a gay male, so I've had a relatively low success rate getting burly homos to bed me. Thus, I've had to go after straight men of the same ilk (think Zach Galifianakis, Seth Rogan, Jerry Ferrara and Kevin Gillespie from season six of Top Chef).

Being that most of my friends are gay, we've never referred to my type as "teddy bear" like some mainstream media (check out this slideshow of "Hot Teddy Bears" at TheFrisky.com). We've always referred to my type as "straight bear," because that's precisely what I want. So, imagine my delight when I stumbled upon this article from the Village Voice entitled Move Over, Metrosexuals: Meet the Straight Bears.

Yes!

The article discusses how straight bears are embracing the gay community, in particular celebrities such as Kevin Smith who was scheduled to attend the 16th annual International Bear Rendezvous in San Francisco before Southwest Airlines booted him off the plane for being too fat — err, I mean "bear-like."

If nothing else, click over to the Village Voice to see the illustration by Edwin Huang. Can I get that life-size to hang over my bed? Better yet, can I get that bear-size?

Grrr,
MM

Surprise (Third) Party

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Thirty-two-year-old gay male here, and I’ve been with my partner for a little over five years. We’ve occasionally opened our bedroom to third (and sometimes more) parties for extracurricular fun together. I would be happy to have sex with other people on a more regular basis, but my partner has been somewhat resistant to it at times over the years. However, sometimes he’s really into it. Lately, he’s been hinting around about finding a guy on the Internet to screw, so — unbeknownst to him — I went online and scouted out a good candidate. My question is, do you think it’s a good idea to surprise my partner with a hot guy in our apartment when he gets off work one night? He’s been so stressed out lately that I think it could be a welcomed surprise, but something is making me hesitate. In the past, we’ve always talked about it and decided on a guy together.

Signed,
Third-Party Planner

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Dear Planner,

Trust your gut. If something about this idea is giving you pause, best to heed the warning. You say your partner has been resistant to opening your relationship in the past. For that reason alone, you must be certain to give your partner every consideration before planning a three-way.

While sexual surprises sound good in theory, any little thing could throw off your plans. What if you’re misreading your partner’s “hints”? What if he would rather sit on the couch, eat a pint of ice cream and cuddle on the night you plan the big rendezvous? At the very least, ask your partner if he’d be interested in coming home to find a naked dude in your bed. If he gives you the green light, go ahead and plan your date — you can still use elements of surprise.

If you’re interested in increasing the intimacy in your relationship through these “extracurricular activities,” I highly suggest picking partners together. Not only will you be on the same page about date, time and other logistics, but you’ll have a chance to anticipate the encounter together — an intensely erotic and bonding experience.

You have the best of intentions, and it’s admirable that you’re trying to meet your partner’s needs; however, wouldn’t it be far better to communicate with him first so your efforts will be 100 percent effective?

Three’s company,
MM

Have Vagina, Will Travel

What is it about doing an interview with Playboy that will make even the most famous of Hollywood actresses open up and say the word "cock?"

In the July 2010 edition of Playboy, Cameron Diaz dishes about Justin Timberlake, denies a relationship with A-Rod and explains that sometimes a girl needs to get on a plane for a proper rogering:

"Oh gosh, I can't even count how many times I've gotten on a plane for love. It's not unusual in this business; my lifestyle demands it. I'm always traveling for [whispers] cock. You've got to go where it is."

Wow.

Regarding the type of lover she is, Diaz says:

"I'm primal on an animalistic level, kind of like, 'Bonk me over the head, throw me over your shoulder. You man, me woman.' Not everybody has the right kind of primal thing for me...I love physical contact. I have to be touching my lover, like, always. It's not optional."

Hmm. Maybe Cammy and I have more in common than I think...

You can read the rest of the article at Playboy.com (probably not safe for work viewing, even if you're just looking at it for the articles).

Happy Friday,
MM

A Bridge, Erected

Jalopnik is reporting that a Russian drawbridge has been defaced with a drawing of a giant penis. Now, as  motorist sit and wait, they can enjoy a much more entertaining "erection" of the bridge.

The best part of this blog post? The comments, of course. All of these come from the same contributor:

"Now that's a cock that sees a lot of traffic."

"Someone should probably lay a rubber on that thing."

"That's one way of insuring that any cars crossing the bridge get fucked while in traffic."

"You can count on this bridge to up at around 5:45am every morning."

Nice. My contribution? "If the bridge gets stuck like that for longer than four hours, does it need to consult its doctor immediately?"

(Thanks to my pal at The Dead Pool for sending this one my way.)

xoxo,
MM

Porn Panic

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year. He's 28, and I'm 20. Age aside, we have an amazing relationship and out-of-this-world sex! I was not snooping, but I was searching through the web history on the computer, and I came across some websites my boyfriend had visited. I am well aware that he watches porn every now and again, and I'm OK with it, but these were teen porn websites! The thought of it makes my stomach turn. Given our age difference, do you think it's creepy that he's watching this type of porn when he's nearly 30? Should I say something to him, or will he think I was snooping when I was absolutely not?!



Please help! I'm worried that when we have sex, I'll only be able to think about how he likes ’em young. I now feel the long-term potential for our relationship is gone...


Signed,
Anonymous

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Dear Anonymous,

For the sake of this conversation, let's assume you're referring to the "barely legal" variety of pornography featuring young-looking performers of legal age. (If you mean actual child pornography, report him to the police immediately.)



For better or worse, "barely legal" porn is among the most popular in our society. Our culture teaches men to lust over the virginal teenager, flush with budding sexuality — this goes for straight and gay men alike. So it's really not shocking that you found this popular porn genre on your boyfriend's computer. Furthermore, it's important to remember that most of us will never fulfill the fantasies we live out while watching porn — if we did, we'd all be doing gang bangs in Elizabethan costumes (or maybe that's just me).



Still, it's perfectly understandable that you have some concerns. It's time to have a chat with your boyfriend. Admit to looking through his computer's history. (He's going to think you were snooping, so just apologize and be done with it.) Let him know that you support his right to look at porn, but you'd like to be able to discuss the types of images he's interested in. Tell him that, given your age difference and his taste for teens, you want to be sure he views you as an equal partner in your relationship and not as a fetish object. If your relationship is strong and healthy, this conversation will only deepen your connection.


In all likelihood, your boyfriend is simply one of the millions of guys who get off to “barely legal” porn. But don't miss this opportunity to talk with your man and perhaps bring your relationship to a new level of honesty and intimacy.


Playing the ingenue,
MM

Weapons of (M)Ass Destruction?

Recently, a good friend of mine flew out of New York's LaGuardia airport for some fun in the sun in Florida. Hoping that she'd get lucky, she packed two gigantic dildos and her harness. (The power of positive thinking, right?)

Upon arriving in Florida and unzipping her suitcase, my friend realized that representatives from the Transportation Security Administration had gone through her luggage. Most of us who fly with any regularity have experienced this — you open your suitcase to find that TSA has "gently" gone through your personal items to ensure you're not traveling with a bomb or other weaponry. How do we know the TSA has done this? They lay a "Notification Form" neatly on top of your things.

Well, in my friend's case, not only did the TSA representative(s) leave one notification, they left two — wrapped tightly around each giant dong, like two cock burritos going for plane ride. Sadly, you can't really see TSA's handy work in this picture, but I'm sure you can use your imagination.

Under the "What We Do" tab on TSA's website, it says, "Together with local airports, we constantly field new equipment and protocols to ensure the latest available technology is used to both screen checked baggage and to maximize efficiency."

Right. Because taking the time to wrap two dildos in TSA paperwork is a shining example of maximized efficiency.

Whatever. I guess we all get bored at work...

Have any funny and/or infuriating travel stories? Feel free to share in comments.

xoxo,
MM

The Ex Factor

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Is there any acceptable way to ask one of my ex-wife’s friends out on a date, or is it just not OK? My wife and I separated and divorced about three years ago. The split was amicable, and her idea, if that matters. Although I have dated since, I have not found anyone as compelling as this friend. She and my ex are not close, but I have not called her because I didn’t think it was appropriate. I am asking for some help in understanding the female perspective on this situation, and what is the most respectful way to approach the conversation? She is a beautiful, intelligent person with a great sense of humor — should I make the call?

Signed,
The Ex Factor

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Dear Ex Factor,

If people in Vermont refused to ask out potential mates because of social crossover, we'd all be in forced celibacy. If you feel as strongly about this woman as you claim, you must make a move — otherwise, you'll be left with a lingering "What if...?"

You say your divorce was amicable. Have you considered giving your ex-wife a heads-up on your attraction to her acquaintance? While you certainly do not need your ex's permission to pursue your love interest (especially because the split was her idea), a courtesy forewarning could go a long way toward keeping the peace. Plus, if your new lady is apprehensive about what your ex may think, you can assure her you've already addressed the issue.

You mention calling your love interest, which is admirable in this technological age (wooing a mate over the phone is a lost art form). However, given the potential for discomfort, you might be better served by tracking down her email address. Express yourself in writing, letting her know you're aware of the sticky social situation you're putting her in. Also tell her how compelling you find her and that you could not let it go until you asked her out. At the very least, you'll be paying her a huge compliment — ex factor or not.

Exes and Ohs,
MM

All Ears

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I’m a 29-year-old woman, and I’m writing to you in hopes that you can make me feel better about a pattern that’s emerging with my boyfriend.

I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that I’m “experienced” and “open minded” when it comes to sex. The truth is, unlike other readers who write to you, I’m more traditional and like sex to be romantic and emotionally intimate. For the most part, my boyfriend shares my same values, although he is a bit more adventurous and likes to try new positions and activities.

Recently, he’s been emphatic that I kiss his earlobes when he’s close to orgasming. I can understand that kissing his earlobes must feel good, but he’s bordering on becoming insistent that my mouth be on his ear when he ejaculates. Is this weird? Would you classify this as a fetish?

Signed,
Earmarked

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Dear Earmarked,

Technically, a person fetishizes an object, not an action — so, no, your boyfriend’s interest in receiving ear stimulation is not classifiable as a fetish.

It’s not difficult to understand your beau’s ache for ear attention. At the very least, ears are closely tied to sexual arousal. When we’re turned on, our ears get hot and, on some of us, turn bright red — dead giveaway of arousal. Ears are also full of nerve endings, making them an intense erogenous zone for most of us. In all likelihood, your boyfriend experiences a heightened sexual arousal and release when your mouth is by his ear, kissing, moaning and breathing.

There’s nothing “weird” about giving pleasure to your partner, and one could easily argue that there’s nothing more “romantic” than listening to your partner’s needs and delivering. Think about it: He’s asking you to be close to him while he orgasms, stimulating him with touch, sound and scent — can you imagine anything more intimate?

Giving you an earful,
MM