All In For Anal

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I'm writing on behalf of me and my partner, as we need some assistance in the "back door" area, if you will.

I am a 34-year-old female without much anal sex experience. He is a 37-year-old male whose ex-girlfriend could apparently fit the Goodyear Blimp into her anus without so much as a drop of lube. I, on the other hand, am having a very hard time getting his penis into my ass and keeping it there. It just plain hurts! I've tried to "just relax," but that doesn't work. We get it pretty much all the way in, but it's more painful than pleasurable, so I ask him to take it out. Mistress, I want to have anal sex! What can we do to make it work?

Signed,

From Pain to Pleasure?

----------------------------------------

Dear Pleasure,

I like a girl with good anal will and determination! Just remember, you're not a failure as a partner if anal isn't your thing, so be sure you're engaging only in sex acts that make you both feel good.

That said, if you're bent on taking it like a champ, I can offer these points of anal insight:

Lube: When engaging in any kind of anal penetration, always use lube to avoid injury. If you think you're using enough lube, add more for good measure — you can never have enough.

Preparing the way: The anus can be a very shy creature, puckering up if spooked. Don't go from having nothing in your ass to having the full girth of your guy's member. Foreplay with his fingers or a small toy will train your inner sphincter to relax.

Position: Positioning is key to relaxing enough to receive anal. Forget doggie-style or you being on top (way too tense); try lying in a spooning position with him entering you from the side. Or let him enter you from the good ol' missionary position where you can lie back and relax.

Gaining entry: When the time comes for insertion, take it slow. Don't allow him to enter you, pull all the way out and then enter you again (ouch!). Instead, allow him to enter you about an inch, then ask him to apply gentle pressure while you slide back onto him. Once he's in, remind him to be gentle — no slamming the back door (at least not until you're feeling more pleasure than pain).

Lubed and ready,

MM

A True Boner

Jezebel is reporting that archaeologists in Sweden have unearthed a penis-like object carved out of antler bone. Some archaeologists say the object may have been used to "chip flakes of flint." Please. We all know what that was used for, and it had nothing to do with starting a campfire.

From Jezebel via Live Science.

Kick Him To The Curb

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I have been seeing my “friend with benefits” for two years, and I've been desperately in love with him the entire time. Last summer we started getting really close and going out together. I was thrilled, but the dating was short lived. I knew he must be seeing someone else, but it was impossible for me to ignore his midnight booty calls.

I left town for a few months and thought I would get over him, but he sent texts saying how much he missed me and that he was obsessing over me. We sent a lot of dirty texts, and he requested nude pics, which I happily sent. When I came back home a few months ago, he was all of a sudden seeing someone, but he wanted to get together secretly. After some research on Facebook, I figured out that their relationship has been going on since last summer. From the posts on Facebook, they seem to be "in love," but I feel like saying, "If he loves you, why is he sleeping with me?" I know my relationship with him is unhealthy, but I feel like, no matter how much pain he causes me, I will still see him. How do I say no to him when I don't want to?

Signed,
Can’t Fall Out

---------------------------

Dear C.F.O.,

Let's get right to the point: Your dude is a douche bag, and he will continue to act accordingly until you end this ridiculous charade of a relationship.

As difficult as it may be to admit, the problem here lies more with you than with him. You know he's a liar, a cheat and a sneak, and yet you can't kick him to the curb. It's time for you to take a serious look inside and figure out why you would allow anyone to use and disrespect you so badly for so long. Before you can say no to him, you'll have to say yes to yourself. Talk to a trusted friend or family member for support. If you suspect your inner journey will be a bumpy road, try seeing a counselor or therapist — believe me, you're worth it.

Unfortunately for this guy (and his so-called girlfriend), he'll probably always be a douche bag. Fortunately for you, with some newfound self-worth, you won't always be a door mat.

Showing him the door,
MM

Wishing Fountain

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My ex-girlfriend would orgasm multiple times per session. Her orgasms would often result in a dramatically abundant "gush" of female ejaculate, and I really liked it. It was not just a little bit of liquid, but rather was a massive burst of nectar that had the essence of citrus with a hint of bitterness and new-mown hay smell. It was wonderful.

Though I have not yet returned to the dating scene, I plan to in the near future. While I realize that there's more to a relationship than checking off some sort of "sexual shopping list," I really want to find a woman who can squirt. It seems like it would be extremely gauche to ask a woman, "Hey, can you gush?" So, Mistress, how do you suggest I find another fountain-like woman to appreciate?

Sincerely,

Fountain Head

---------------------------

Dear Fountain,

Kudos to you for relishing your ex-girlfriend's squirting talents. Sadly, women who can ejaculate are sometimes embarrassed by it, either because of the "mess" or because they mistake their ejaculate for urine. The liquid that can be released during orgasm does come from the urethra, but it isn't urine — it’s a clear substance generated by the Skene’s glands (or G-spot). When aroused, the G-spot becomes engorged with fluid, which it releases into the urethra. Upon orgasm, this liquid can erupt — sometimes a little, sometimes a lot, depending on the woman. Some studies say that the majority of women ejaculate from the urethra during sex, but in small, undetectable quantities.

You're right — asking a woman whether she can gush is probably not the best pick-up line, nor should a woman's ability to ejaculate make or break your decision to be in a relationship with her. Rather than focusing on this one sexual act, focus on finding a mate who is as open about sex as you seem to be. For most women, it's anatomically possible to ejaculate, but it could take some practice. If you find a partner who's open to trying it, pick up a copy of Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot by Deborah Sundahl. The book discusses how to find the G-spot and how to ejaculate alone or with a partner.

Oh, and one last thing — if you do find a woman who can satisfy your thirst for squirt, you may want to keep the "new-mown hay smell" comment to yourself. I don't know many women who want to smell like a farm.

Gushingly yours,
MM

Playing for the Other Team

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I just graduated and will be going to college on an athletic scholarship in the fall. I'm freaking out about meeting the other guys because I'm gay. In my sport, you're expected to be close with your teammates, and I just don't know how to handle it. Most people in my high school knew I was gay, but it really wasn't a huge deal, and we just didn't really talk about it. Without this scholarship, I would not be able to afford school, so I can't lose it. My parents are pressuring me a little to keep the gay thing under wraps for a while (even though they're mostly supportive). I know I’m lucky to be going to school in a liberal place like Vermont, but these guys will be coming from all over the country. What do you think?

Signed,

Co-Captain

--------------------------------------

Dear Co-Captain,

No one should have to hide who they are, and you have every right to be yourself without fear of losing your scholarship. If anyone on the team is uncomfortable with your sexuality, it's their problem, not yours.

Attending college in Vermont, you'll be enjoying a highly supportive atmosphere where prejudice is generally not tolerated. That said, being part of a sports team is not unlike being part of a family, and we all know how complicated those relationships can be. Add locker-room culture to that mix, and it's understandable that you feel apprehensive about coming out.

As a rule, it's best to get to know people before disclosing too much intimate information, including sexual orientation. Spend some time with your teammates, seek out those with whom you feel most comfortable and start the coming-out process with them. Meanwhile, get involved with your school's LGBTQA group (that's Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning and Allies). You'll meet new friends and gain a network of support.

Team spirit,
MM

For the Love of Lelo

Lelo is one of my favorite sex toy companies — they're innovative, aesthetically pleasing and, of course, fulfilling. My first foray into Lelo's line of toys was the Nea Vibe. It's a sweet, unassuming clitoral vibrator with multiple settings. The best part is that it's cordless and rechargeable — it comes with a plug for juicing it up, just like your cell phone. Plug it when you're done with it, and it will recharge for another 90 minute's worth of vibrating fun. My only gripe about the Nea Vibe is the hard plastic it's made out of — not as sexy as some other toys made out of softer, skin-like materials. For a quick romp, the Nea Vibe is great, but for longer sessions, I prefer something with a softer shell, like the Laya Spot that is made of hard plastic and Elastomer.

And just when I thought Lelo was all about hi-tech, they go and release some low-fi cuffs — and I want a pair! I am very, very picky about restraints. I cannot stand cuffs that are made from cheap materials that scratch and dig into skin — not sexy. Lelo's Sutra Cuffs look like just the opposite of chintzy. Made of suede and silk, these cuffs appear to be some of the most luxurious on the market. Looking forward to getting my hands on some... err, in some.

I might just celebrate my independence with a little bondage. Bableland is offering free shipping on all items, including Lelo Sutra Cuffs, through July 5.

Happy Holiday Weekend,
MM