What are the odds?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Is there any hope for a man with lots of love to give who missed the first round of relationships? I find myself single in my late thirties, feeling like life is passing me by. I had my chances with women but let them go, hoping to find someone better. What are my odds of finding happiness in a town full of kids, hipsters, moderns and rich imports? Where do good-looking, single, professional women flock?

Signed,

Missed the Boat

---------------------------------

Dear M.t.B.,

While I can't guarantee that you'll find lasting love, I can guarantee that the type of woman you're looking for is attracted to positive thinkers with exuberance and passion for life — not a downtrodden dating disaster who looks down on half the people in town.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get ready to play the dating game. Even if it's out of your comfort zone, you must try online dating. In this day and age, all the single women are flocking online, not to the local watering hole. Make sure your profile shows your optimistic, witty and romantic sides — leave all the negative dating energy in the past. You might even enlist the help of a couple of trusted friends. Have them read your profile before posting it, and allow them to help choose photos that best capture you. While you're at it, tell your friends you're ready to find a partner, and see if they can set you up. Blind dates can be nervewracking, but they can also be your golden ticket.

When you meet someone who sparks your interest, stop looking around for someone "better." You owe it to her — and yourself — to explore the relationship.

XOXO,

MM

Oh, Brother...

A big thank you to Jezebel for providing today's entertainment.

Before we begin, let me confess that I watch A LOT of bad reality television. That said, I do have some standards and have always drawn the line at CBS's Big Brother -- it's too lame, even for me. Basically, CBS throws a bunch of idiots in a house together and films them 24/7 as they pick each other off one by one. However, after watching this clip from Big Brother's live feed, I might have to change my viewing habits.

Check out Big Brother house guest Lane rub one out in the shower while trying to pretend he's cleaning his ears -- either that, or he's got an intense ear fetish. My favorite part? The hand check at the end.

Happy Friday,

MM

Hide And Seek

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I'm divorced after a 15-year relationship and have recently started dating again, thus I am a little vague on the rules.

I've met a few men through online personals. After a few nice dates with a guy, I'm not interested in meeting anyone else until I see what happens with the guy I'm seeing. At what point do I "temporarily hide" my profile? I don't want to prematurely and publicly declare myself off the market, especially because it might scare off the guy I'm dating.

However, keeping my profile active, I find myself ignoring other inquiries that could potentially be missed opportunities. I'm not into dating more than one guy at a time, so when do I hide my profile from public view? If the thing to do is leave my profile up, how do I politely respond to inquiries that come in while I'm dating someone else?

Thanks for the help,

Experienced at Life, Novice at Dating

---------------------------------------------------------

Dear Experienced Novice,

Sure, life would be easier if you could date one guy at a time — but you're dating online, where everyone is entertaining the idea of dating other people. With all the winking, profile creeping and emails, it's almost ridiculous to think you could focus your energies on just one courtship at a time. Anyway, why should you? It's possible to date one guy while emailing back and forth with another. In fact, it's probably prudent to do so. Dating is a crapshoot, and you're right — you don't want to miss opportunities.

Keep your profile public until you are in a secure, monogamous relationship (if that's what you're going for). Until then, you don't have to pursue other singles actively, but you can most certainly entertain the advances of other gentleman callers. If it makes you feel better, be honest with the other guys. Tell them you've been on a couple dates with someone else, and you're interested to see where it goes; however, in the meantime, you can get to know each other via email.

One more thing. You're just out of a 15-year relationship, so what's the rush? Instead of working on landing another long-term relationship, perhaps you should focus on meeting as many new people as possible, thereby creating options for yourself rather than limiting your choices.

Wink,

MM

O, Really?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I’m dating a girl, and it’s going good. When we have sex, I am very satisfied. She is very oral, and I have had the best orgasms of my life from her blow jobs. The problem is, I’m not sure I’m returning the favor. I don’t want to brag, but I’ve satisfied many women and tend to think I know what a female orgasm looks and feels like. There’s something about her orgasms that seems fake. They’re very theatrical, and she doesn’t seem to have that blissful exhaustion afterwards that I’ve witnessed in other women.

I always ask her if she’s satisfied, and she swears she is, but I just don’t believe it. What can I do? If she’s faking and lying to me, I’m going to be pissed off when all I really want to do is make her feel good.

Signed,

Give and Take

------------------------------

Dear Give and Take,

Please, oh wise sage, tell us what a female orgasm looks and feels like — because last time I checked, all women are different. Sure, you might witness vaginal muscle pulsation, arched back, quickened heart rate and speaking in tongues — but, honestly, all those things are pretty easy to fake. Some of us are theatrical, and some of us become more chipper after orgasm than blissed out. Maybe your girl is having great orgasms and your worry is all for naught.

That said, an unfortunate number of women do fake it. Sometimes women simply don’t know how to get off or to ask for what they need. How long have you two been together? Sometimes women need more time to build intimacy before the big O will come out of hiding. Whatever the reason, the best course of action is to have a frank conversation with her away from the bedroom. Forget about being pissed off — if you want her to let her guard down and be honest with you, you’ll have to go first. Let her know that you desire to be the best lover she’s ever had and that you’ll stop at nothing to get her off. If she insists she’s orgasming, you’ll need to take her word for it. If it turns out she’s not getting off, be ready to put your money where your mouth is — it’ll be time to get down to the business of figuring out what makes your lady really tick.

O Face,

mm

Burning Desire

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Something strange (and painful) happened to me the other day, and I'm hoping you might be able to explain it.

I have an expensive silicone dildo from a reputable sex-toy shop, but the other day, I decided to opt for variety. I grabbed a jelly-like toy that I bought a long time ago — but had never used — from the bedside table. About 30 seconds after I inserted it, my vagina started burning. I removed it immediately and washed with mild soup and water, but the burning continued for a couple of hours.

Needless to say, that toy is no longer on the menu, but can you help me figure out what happened?

Thanks,

Feelin' the Burn

---------------------------------------

Dear Feelin' the Burn,

Unless you accidentally squeezed a packet of hot sauce into your bedside table, it's safe to assume you had an allergic reaction to the toy.

Many jelly and rubberlike toys are made using phthalates (chemicals used to plasticize everything from shower curtains to building materials). While the jury is still out on whether phthalates are harmful in and of themselves, it's a fact that toys made with phthalates are porous and can degrade over time, releasing chemicals that are harmful and irritating to our bodies. In fact, many reputable sex toy outlets, like Babeland.com, have stopped selling phthalate toys altogether.

Whenever possible, stick to non-porous sex toys like your trusty silicone dildo. If you insist on using jelly-like toys, either sheath them with a condom first or check out some of the new-fangled jelly toys made of elastomer (still porous and cannot be disinfected, but they're phthalate free).

Chemically balanced,

MM