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Thursday, September 23, 2010

Revenge Sex

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I have fallen in love with an incredible woman, and we are very happy. However, getting together wasn't easy; we were both dating other women at the time (we're queer). Unfortunately, we had to break a couple of hearts to be together, but we did it as gently as we could. The process was painful, but I wouldn't trade it for the world because I love this woman so much.

Recently, a mutual friend told us that our exes are sleeping together and that they had been drunkenly boasting about it at a party, saying that they hoped we found out. Do people really sleep with other people for revenge? How could they be so hurtful? The idea of people using their bodies and sexualities as weapons makes me sick. If my ex wanted to hurt me back, she's done it. I think the pathetic immature drama is actually hurting me more than anything else. I want her to realize that she's being ridiculous. How should I address this situation?

Signed,
Drama-less Queen

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Dear Drama-less,

People have sex for many reasons -- love, power, comfort and pleasure, to name a few. Your exes are claiming revenge sex, but I suspect it's more a combination of power and comfort. They're both experiencing the same brand of heartache, and it must be incredibly comforting and empowering to swap intimacy with someone who shares the same deep pain. It's not about weaponry; it's about shelter from the storm.

That said, parading around in front of your friends, hoping word will get back to you is just plain tacky. The good news is -- it's no longer your problem. Do not engage your ex in a conversation about her current bed buddy, as you will only be immersing yourself in the drama. If she thinks sleeping with this woman is the best way for her to get through her pain, let her have the experience.

Breaking up is a dirty business. The best you can hope for is to remain true to yourself and your new path — ignore their hurtful and immature antics and move on.

Getting even,

MM

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