Big Controversy

If you heard a loud BOOM! earlier this week, that was the sound of the Internet exploding over a blog post published by Marie Claire magazine blogger Maura Kelly about the sitcom "Mike and Molly." The show features the life and times of overweight couple Mike and Molly and has many Americans happy to finally see a "real" couple depicted on television. However, the mere idea of two fat people making out has Kelly retching and kvetching all over her blog. She admits to never seeing the show, but says:

“So anyway, yes, I think I’d be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with rolls and rolls of fat kissing each other … because I’d be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything. To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room – just like I’d find it distressing if I saw a very drunk person stumbling across a bar or a heroine addict slumping in a chair.”

Being a person who advocates for love (and lust) at every size, I was saddened by Kelly's blatant prejudice, but I was heartened by the thousands of backlash letters received by Marie Claire from fat-positive readers who threatened to revoke their subscriptions for allowing such drivel to published. The public outcry led to an apology from Kelly. In part, she says:

"People have accused me of being a bully in my post. I never intended to be that — it's actually the very last thing I want to be, as a writer or a person. But I know that I came off that way, and I really cannot apologize enough to the people whom I upset."

Meh. The apology was fine, but with her language being so outrageously harsh in the initial post, it's difficult to rectify. Other fat-postive folks aren't satisfied either, and they're doing something about it. Tonight, outside the Marie Claire offices at Hearst Tower in Manhattan, fat activist Stacy Bias and her pals are are hosting The Big Fat Kiss-in at 6pm. Likeminded people are encouraged to make out in plain view of Marie Claire to make it clear that love, at any size, isn't "aesthetically displeasing." Everyone's invited, so grab your Chapstick, breath spray and make out for a worthy cause! You can RSVP to the Facebook event here.

Big, fat kisses,
MM

Hey, Sexty

Dear Mistress Maeve,

There's been a lot of news lately about "sexting," but it all has to do with how shocking this technology has been when it comes to teenagers. (I wish they could see the notes I used to pass in high school!) So what about us adults? I'm a man newly back in the dating world after a nine-year marriage. All the women I'm seeing have these iPhones and newfangled things, and it seems as though they're getting a zillion text messages per hour. I'm not much of a texter, but my flip phone does have the capability. If I'm dating a woman and things are going good, when can I drop her a "sext," and what do I say? Do women in their thirties even want to get a "sext message"?

Signed,
Sext Me Later

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Dear Sext,

Sexting, the act of sending sexy text messages, knows no age limit. Women in their thirties, forties, fifties and so on are as likely to want to receive a sext message as women in their twenties. However, to sext message the object of your desire successfully, I would suggest following a few basic rules of engagement.

First, no sexting until you've consummated the relationship. Call me old-fashioned, but I want to see what you have to offer in person, not on my smartphone screen. Sexting should not be the appetizer before the main course — more like a snack between meals.

Once you've done the deed, let the sexting begin; however, tread lightly. For your first sext, send something mildly suggestive and see how she responds. If she sends you something sassy back, you've got the green light to turn up the heat. Just don't go overboard — if you wouldn't say it out loud, you probably shouldn't say it via text.
Regarding photos, be careful. Women know that a man will always be happy to receive a revealing photo, so rely on her to send one if she wants to — asking or begging for one is déclassé. And, whatever you do, don't send a photo of your member unless she requests one. Just ask Brett Favre how badly that can go…

One final note: Be sure to update your phone plan to unlimited texting. Otherwise, your sexting success could end in financial ruin.

Sexting You Up,

MM

Free Pass?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My girlfriend and I have been together for two years. She is much younger than me and has never been with anyone else. Lately, she has had doubts about our relationship, not because she doesn't care about me, but because she has never experienced anyone else sexually. She is fairly sure about her sexuality (we are women), but she has never explored. She really cares about me and doesn't want to break up, but this "problem" is nagging at her.

I love this woman with all my heart and want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I don't want this issue to hang over our heads. I was thinking that I should give her a couple of free passes to be with a man and a woman of her choosing. There would be rules, of course. This would not be at all easy for me, and I realize that the grass might be greener on the other side of the fence, but if I don't allow this, she will always wonder. Thoughts?

Signed,
Do I Love Her Enough?

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Dear D.I.L.H.E.,

Ever noticed how the number of people we've slept with can become so important when we're considering never having sex with anyone new again? In your girlfriend's case, you're right — her inexperience will likely always keep her looking to the other side of the fence for that greener pasture. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but if your girlfriend is already looking to play in the neighbor's yard, it's doubtful she'll remain faithful to you in the long term.

You have two choices: You can set some ground rules, give her two free passes and hope for the best. Or you can make a clean break and let her sow some oats. If I were you, I would opt for the latter. As I see it, it's heartbreak now or heartbreak later — your choice.

Hopping the fence,
MM

Cut to the Quick

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My wife and I have been married for a good long while now, and the sex is and has always been great. But lately it seems like my stamina ... well, that my stamina is not so great. I suppose, like any guy, there have always been times when I was a little quick to orgasm, but this is depressing. My wife hasn't mentioned it as a problem (we just improvise), but I feel like my body is robbing me of most of the fun.

What's a guy to do?

Signed,
Cut to the Quick

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Dear Quick,

Most men will experience periods of rapid ejaculation during their sexual lifetimes, so don't worry — you're not broken, and you will likely get your old groove back.

In the meantime, the key is not letting a few misfires spiral into more anxiety-ridden performance issues. You seem to be open to communicating about the issue and to have a supportive partner, so why not get her involved? When you're having intercourse and feel yourself about to climax, pull out and pay your partner some attention until your urge to release subsides. Repeat this exercise until you're both satisfied — it'll add excitement to your normal routine, and you will train your body to rebuild its stamina. You might also try wearing a condom to prolong your love making. Some men report that condoms specifically made for anal sex are thicker and more durable, reducing sensation just enough to make you last longer.

One final note: Stay away from desensitizing creams. They're made with anesthetic and can easily transfer to your wife's vulva. I'd rather run a fully pleasurable, all-natural sprint than a lackluster, artificially induced marathon.

Long-lasting love,
MM

Houseguest Mess

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My husband and I have a great sex life — one I was thoroughly enjoying until we invited my hubby's best friend to come stay with us while he's in between apartments and jobs. It was supposed to be for four days, but it has turned into two weeks, and it keeps getting extended. Between my husband and I having opposite work schedules and our house guest keeping odd hours, I can't relax enough to have sex. Even when we go to bed at night, the bathroom is right next to our bedroom, and I can hear him coming and going (literally), and it wrecks the mood.

We love our friend and don't feel we can ask him to leave earlier, but I'm going crazy. I keep telling my husband to "do something" about it, but I know he's in a tough position, and now we're bickering. I'm looking at one more week with no nooky, and I'm not happy about it. What would you do?

Signed,
Houseguest Mess

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Dear Mess,

Any house guest who plans to stay for four days and ends up staying for a month should know he's wearing out his welcome. So it's time to solidify his exit strategy. Because he's your hubby's best friend, your man should have a short, pointed discussion with the house guest. He should tell him that it's been great having him stay with you, but he'll be expected to leave at the end of this "extension." Knowing you have a concrete date of departure should start to alleviate the tension. And your husband shouldn't worry about offending the guest — any friend who allows a month's worth of couch surfing is a saint.

In the meantime, challenge yourselves to be creative. Have you considered a quickie while the house guest runs to the corner store or takes a shower? How about meeting your hubby during your lunch hour for some serious heavy petting in the car? Or, if money and time allow, treat yourselves to a midweek overnight at a local inn. You have options — you just have to think outside the box (to get your husband inside your box).

Crashing at Your Place,
MM