Crush It

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I have been in a relationship with my wonderful girlfriend for five years. We are happy and I can't imagine anyone else I would want to be with. There have been several times over the past five years when I have found myself with what I see as harmless crushes on other women. Oftentimes they are short lived and I have never cheated. Basically, I'll meet a woman who I find interesting and attractive, and I'll find myself thinking about her a lot and anticipating the next time I'll get to see her. After a couple of weeks, the crush will fade and I always find myself remembering how in love with my girlfriend I am.
 
Are these crushes just a normal part of being in a long-term relationship, or are they occurring because there is something missing in my relationship? I am certain I would rather be in a relationship with my girlfriend than the women I have had crushes on. Are these harmless, or am I kidding myself? 

Signed,
Crush ’Em

---------------------------

Dear Crush ’Em,

Some say any flirting or fantasizing outside of a relationship is inappropriate. However, a crush is generally defined as a brief infatuation with someone unattainable — so, what's the harm? In fact, if done respectfully, crushes can keep a long-term relationship more healthy. Crushes brighten our otherwise mundane days (awaiting the crushable delivery person or sharing flirty smiles with the barista who serves up our double latte), and they can also pump up our egos. Thus, when we return home, we're in better moods and feel good about ourselves — both ingredients for keeping the home fires burning.

So, no, you're not kidding yourself; most crushes are harmless. That said, keep yourself on a tight leash. If your crushes begin to take energy away from your primary relationship, address it immediately. Ask yourself, “Why does it feel better to think about this other person, rather my partner?” If you're indulging too much in your crushes, your relationship may be falling short in some ways. If that's the case, don't keep your partner in the dark — address it honestly, describing what you think you're missing and make a plan to move forward together. Otherwise, you run the risk of crushing your relationship.

Crushed,
MM

Slip Slidin' Away

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I recently started seeing a guy, and I was relieved and happy to learn that he takes safe sex as seriously as I do. Even though I'm on the pill, we have used a condom each time we have sex and will continue to do so until we decide whether we're taking this thing to the next level. However, a distressing pattern has emerged. Whenever I'm on top of him (my favorite position), the condom slips off! When I get off of him, I find it inside me or lying on the bed. WTF?!

We are using standard-sized condoms, and he's not small, so I don't think it's a size issue. Condoms stay on in every other position; why is this happening when I'm on top?

Signed,
Slipped When Dipped

--------------------------------

Dear Slipped,

First and foremost, kudos to you and your man for taking safe sex seriously. Unless you're a monogamous couple with two clean bills of health, you should be keeping it covered.

Just like penises, all condom brands are not created equal. The condom may be the appropriate size, but make sure he's using the brand that gives him the snuggest fit. Also, be sure you're putting on the condom correctly. This may seem elementary, but if you're fumbling around in the dark, trying to fashion the condom properly in the heat of the moment, it could go on inside out or not be rolled down the shaft of the penis far enough.

If the fit and form are in order, and you're still experiencing slippage, the most likely culprit is prolonged friction after he's ejaculated. As soon as he orgasms, have him hold the base of the condom while you disengage. Sure, it's nice to have him remain inside you after the deed is done, but as his penis softens and shrinks, the condom can easily slip off, creating an unsafe scenario.

One final note: If you're finding the condom inside you, double check to make certain it's intact. If you find that it's torn, consult your doctor. Trust me, you do not want remnants of latex kicking around in your va-jay-jay.

Sheathed in Safety,
MM

Thanks Misgivings

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Not looking forward to spending Thanksgiving with my in-laws this year and seeking some guidance. Let's just say my husband's mother is less than thankful to have me as a daughter-in-law. We have a long history of bickering, mostly about my career leading her beloved first son far away from his family (even though we're less than a five-hour drive). It's a classic case of overbearing mother-in-law, and I don't want to go through another holiday season fighting.

The most infuriating part is that my husband won't help me. No matter how much I beg for him to step in and put his foot down with his mother, he won't do it. I'm sick of fighting this battle on my own. How do I get my husband to be on my side?

Signed,
Thanks for Nothing

-----------------------------

Dear Thanks,

What’s the goal here? If you’re asking your husband to value you more than his own mother, you’re in for a cornucopia of disappointment.

If you’re having little spats with Mom-in-law, try your best to work them out one on one. This year, as you're peeling potatoes and stuffing the bird, call a truce with her. Tell her you know your relationship has had the consistency of lumpy gravy, but you're ready to smooth it out. See what you can carve out on your own, since the fewer arguments you involve your husband in, the happier your marriage will be.
If your mother-in-law exhibits consistently disrespectful or hurtful behavior even after you’ve spoken with her, you can ask your hubby for constructive backup. Just remember, it’s not about your husband valuing your relationship more; it’s about him valuing both relationships equally.

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem, so do not exacerbate family arguments by unfairly involving your partner. For your own sanity, let go of this competitiveness with your mother-in-law. You’ll be a much happier person, and the pie will taste all the sweeter.

Talking turkey,
MM

Sex Sells... Real Estate?

At what point does targeted marketing become insulting?

Jezebel is calling attention to a real estate ad seen in Metro Weekly, Washington, D.C.'s Gay and Lesbian News Magazine. The ad for the Floridian condo complex goes directly after its desired gay male clientele by featuring photos of hot guys canoodling among text that reads, "Top to bottom..." and "Everything you desire." The ad also boasts a rooftop deck for "sultry evenings," while the Floridian's website suggests that purchasing a condo is "a smart investment in a thrilling lifestyle."

So, will gay men fall for this marketing scheme, or will they be turned off by the blatant pigeon-holing?

MM

Reality Check

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I'm writing because I just don't know what else to do. I have been with my boyfriend for a year, during which time he has cheated on me twice (that I know about). He claims that both times were just making out and nothing more, but I feel like an idiot for believing that. On the other hand, I truly love him and deeply care about him.

At this point, I have taken him back. I have a daughter and can't stand the thought of disrupting her life while I work this out. Please don't think I'm some stupid girl who allows men to walk all over her; I'm not. It's just that he seems so sincere when he tells me that he's trying to change his life. He has asked me to be understanding, and I am trying to be. I want to believe in him, to help him, but am I making a mistake?

Signed,
Shadows of Doubt

---------------------------

Dear Shadows,

It's time for some tough love. Is it possible for your man to change and your relationship to heal from his indiscretions? Yes. Is it likely? No.

Because you cannot predict the future, you must base your next move on his pattern of behavior — and his track record is terrible. I'm sure he's making a great case for himself, coming up with all sorts of reasons why he strayed. But really, it's a simple concept: You don't cheat on someone you love. Period.
Furthermore, you need to think about how this relationship may be affecting your daughter. She sees her mother being hurt by a man, then sees her mother taking him back. Is this a trait you wish her to inherit? Perhaps you should ask yourself what type of advice you'd give your daughter should she wind up with a cheater one day.

The question now becomes: How much more time are you willing to invest in this relationship without a fruitful return? For your sake, and your daughter's, I hope you find your time too valuable to waste.

Tough Lovin’ It,
MM

Shaving Time

It's that time of year -- decidedly not summer anymore, yet ages away from my February escape to the tropics. So, the question becomes: What to do with the bikini line? According to Salon.com, full bush made a recent comeback due to women making recessionary cutbacks in discretionary spending (read: no money for professional waxing). Sounds good, but something about going au natural just feels a little too Vermont-y.

Full Brazilian wax? Sure. However, after watching this clip from the Wanda Sykes HBO special, "I'ma Be Me," I'm not so sure that's the way to go, either. Watch this video for a hilarious (and graphic) recounting of Sykes's first Brazilian. Not safe for work viewing due to subject matter and curse words.

So, what's a girl to do -- rock the 70s-style porno bush or watch your asshole run for its life across the Serengeti? What are your thoughts on personal pubic grooming? Share your comments!

xoxo,
MM