Rubbing Her the Wrong Way

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My partner and I (she's a woman; I'm a man) are each 60, have been together four years, and have the best sex of our lives together. Recently we were staying in a motel and, after an extraordinary session of love making, I woke up at 3:30 in the morning with insomnia. Our sex should have knocked me out for the night, but it didn't, and I soon started replaying our earlier love making in my head. I was aroused. Rather than wake my lovely partner, who needs more sleep than I do, I began to quietly masturbate — but it wasn't quiet enough. It woke her, and besides being annoyed to be woken, she was upset, believing that my masturbating meant her love making wasn't good enough for me.

We talked about it the next day, and I told her she had nothing to worry about. I told her that just thinking about her excites me and makes me so happy and satisfied that I rarely masturbate, but that men and women are different. Maybe a woman masturbating during a relationship can reflect some dissatisfaction, especially if it's done regularly. Maybe it's the same with a man, too, for that matter.

We enjoy your column, so I offered to write to you for your take on this matter.

Signed,
Essex Wanker (rarely!)

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Dear Wanker,

News flash! Guys, if you think you can masturbate next to your sleeping beauty and not wake her, get real! Unless she's had a bottle of Chardonnay and two Advil PM tablets, the subtle shaking of the entire bed and the suctioned slapping sound of you jerking it are sure to rouse her from slumber. If you must tend to business, please, head for the bathroom.

Now that we've got that squared away, let's move on to your inquiry. As long as you are still interested in sex with your partner — which you clearly are — masturbating is a healthy activity. Your sexual relationship with yourself is just as important as your sexual relationship with your partner. Through masturbation, we learn which sensations feel good to us, and we're able to play out fantasies in our minds that fuel the continued intimacy with our partners. Your lady has nothing to worry about. In fact, she should be thrilled to have a sexually charged partner who worships her so.

One last thing: Forget the gender bias in your talks about masturbation. Men and women enjoy pleasure equally, and the idea that men should get off more just encourages old ways of thinking about women and sex.

Touchingly yours,
MM