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Friday, January 28, 2011

Have you submitted yet?

It's time again to fill out the Seven Days Sex Survey. You only have until Monday, January 31 at 5pm to share all the juicy (or not-so-juicy) details of your sex life with us, so hop to it!

Think ahead! The last question of the survey asks, "Need some sex or love advice? Ask our sex columnist, Mistress Maeve, a question." I'd love to hear from you.

Results of the survey will be published in the Sex Issue on February 23.


Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Left For the Ex

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I had been dating someone and it was going great; then, BAM! — he went back to his ex. From what he says, she cheated on him, said terrible things to him and is an all-around bad person.

Why do some people go back to toxic situations, even when they have had a taste of a healthy, warm, loving relationship? Is he just addicted to the drama, or is it something deeper? Why would he be willing to go back to a situation where he was treated like shit?

I consider myself a trustworthy, loving and all-around good person — and yet I’m still single. Meanwhile, all the awful, self-centered people seem to have all the luck in love and never really get what they deserve. What gives?

Disgusted and Confused


Dear D & C,

Getting dumped for an ex can be especially painful because it may feel like you were just a Band-Aid, a short-term fix for his heartache while he waited to go back to her. When that Band-Aid gets ripped off, the pain is excruciating.

The truth is, if he wasn't over his ex, no amount of healthy love and warmth from you could have lured him into the light. In an ideal world, he would have had the emotional wherewithal to acknowledge his lingering feelings for his ex and not go full throttle into a relationship with you. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like he was mature enough to take your feelings and well-being into account.

Plain and simple: This guy isn't good enough for you, so it's time to stop giving him your energy. If he wants to keep banging his head against the wall with his ex, so be it. It's time for you to drop the "woe-is-me-I'm-still-single" act and refocus some positive energy on yourself — it's the only way love is going to come knockin’ on your door.

Knock, knock,

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Getting Air

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I'm very fortunate to have a lovely and loving boyfriend with whom I have fantastic sex and honest, sincere communication. However, we have one recurring issue that I find hugely embarrassing: queefs. We're a snug fit together, and he usually doesn't pull out all the way during love making, so I can't figure out how all this air is getting pushed inside me. It seems to happen no matter the position, but is much more evident if I'm on top.

He's not at all bothered by my sonic sexual symphony, and I try to laugh it off — but I would much prefer to do without the acoustics. My real concern, however, is for air embolisms — particularly if and when we decide to have children; I know they can be fatal for pregnant women and fetuses. Short of abstinence, how can we lessen the danger?

Joan of Vart


Dear Joan,

Queefs, or vaginal farts, occur when air is sucked into the vagina and then released, creating your own vagina beatbox (pbbfft, pfft, pbbbt). Queefs mostly happen during sex or while you’re performing a downward-facing dog during yoga class — embarrassing!

Generally, queefs are nothing more than occasional events best laughed off and forgotten. However, if you're performing a "sonic sexual symphony" every time you're intimate, it can be difficult to relax and focus on orgasm — especially if you're stressing over dropping dead from a vaginal embolism. While such events are extremely rare, Columbia University Health Services confirms that if a very large amount of air were blown or forced into the vagina, it could cause health complications for both women and fetuses — some extraordinary cases result in death. However, I can't stress enough that this is very rare. As along as your partner isn't blowing up your vagina with a bicycle pump, you should be fine.

Usually women experience queefing in particular positions (doggie-style seems to create the most air bubbles). But, if you're pushing out air in every position, lack of lubrication or the curvature of your boyfriend's penis may be to blame. Try some water-based lube and experiment with positions where your legs are closer together — that may close the gap, so to speak. If all else fails, turn up the music, moan louder and embrace your body's idiosyncrasies.


Monday, January 17, 2011

Golden Moment

And the award for the best Golden Globe presenter of the night goes to Robert Downey Jr. for his hilariously raunchy introduction to the Best Actress in a Comedy or Musical category.
Downey Jr. began by saying that he considers himself "a veteran of sorts," then followed up with: "I don't know if an actress can do her best work until I've slept with her..." He then goes on to weave each of the nominees, including an underaged Emma Stone, into a risque tale that neither Stone nor the other nominees -- Julianne Moore, Angelina Jolie, Annette Benning -- seemed to mind.

The end was the best part. Downey Jr. says, "Now I'm not saying that my theory doesn't hold water, but somehow all of these women rendered exquisite performances without a shred of help from me, so I guess I'm just saying, if I could, I'd give it to all five of you -- at once, right here in front of my wife, the audience and millions of viewers." Of course, he was referring to the award. . .



Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Sunny Side Up?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My wife and I just got back from watching Black Swan. Not only is it an excellent psychological thriller, but it has a steamy female masturbation scene. Not to give too much away, but it's Natalie Portman, it's very realistic, and she's face down.

You and many of your readers may be too old to remember Single White Female, but it's another excellent thriller, also with female masturbation, and this time it's Jennifer Jason Leigh also self-helping face down.

My wife self-helps face up, always. So my question of prurient interest is: What percent of women prefer face-down masturbation versus face up, and what are the pros and cons of each?

Sunny Side Up or Down?


Dear Sunny,

Too old to remember Single White Female? I think you mean too young, thank you very much. And, if I recall correctly, Jennifer Jason Leigh starts out masturbating face down on the bed but flips onto her back just before being interrupted by Bridget Fonda's character. This combination move also appears in one of my favorite films, Secretary, when Maggie Gyllenhaal's character begins touching herself while lying on her stomach, then turns over to finish the interlude by fantasizing about her sadist boss and chanting, "I'm your secretary. I'm your secretary!"

Unfortunately, science doesn't put a great deal of importance on female sexuality, so stats on female masturbation techniques are difficult to find. I've always thought women are more apt to masturbate in the same way they discovered self-pleasure. Meaning, if a woman began masturbating on her stomach as a child, she'll often revisit that technique as an adult.

As for pros and cons, it's all about personal preference. Women who lie on their backs have easy access to the clitoris and a comfortable position for vaginal penetration. The face-down "grinding" action used by Portman in Black Swan is often employed by women whose clitorises are too sensitive for direct contact. You'll notice that Portman's character also keeps her panties on during the scene, providing yet another protective barrier from direct stimulation of the clitoris.

Whatever the position, I'm just happy that we're glimpsing female self-pleasure on the silver screen. If your wife is so inclined, she should try masturbating Portman-style — it's never too late to learn new moves.


Tuesday, January 11, 2011

I always wanted to be a hand model...

Adamlevinealmostnaked2 Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine likes to be naked, or at least that's what he told Cosmopolitan UK when he posed (mostly) in the buff for the current edition: "I spend most of my life naked. In fact, I often have to be told by the people around me that it's inappropriate to be as naked as I am. But I live in California, where it's always warm, so why not?"

Levine is putting his sculpted, tattooed body to good use in the lady mag, raising awareness about prostate and testicular cancer. I guess the image of Levine getting his package cupped by a pair of scarlet-manicured hands is supposed to encourage men to get their junk checked by a doctor. Mmmkay.

Rumor has it that it's Levine's girlfriend, model Anne Vyalitsyna, covering his privates. You can see also see her in a recent Maroon 5 video, beating the crap out of Levine. Apparently Levine likes to be naked and pushed around. . . I'm liking him more every second. 

Photograph: Ben Riggot courtesy of Cosmopolitan

Friday, January 07, 2011

Back to Basics

Okay, I admit it: I'm totally buying into the whole "new year's resolution" thing. I'm hitting that imaginary reset button and pledging to choose the turkey burger over the cheeseburger, turning the computer off at midnight to ensure a good night's sleep, etc.

When you think about it, most resolutions are simple reminders to get back to basics: eat better, exercise more, be kinder to others -- things we want to do year round, anyhow. So, what about sex? Shouldn't we also be resolving to have the best sex ever in 2011?

If my theory about getting back to basics holds true, then it should be the same for having good sex -- no need for fancy tricks, just resolve to reinforce the basics. The folks at AlterNet have put together a bang-up list of 15 dos and don'ts for really good sex, everything from "do wash your hands" to "don't assume what worked on your previous partners will work on your next one." Solid advice.

Have a look at the list (AlterNet is safe for work viewing) and let me know what you think about the list. Have they left anything out?


Monday, January 03, 2011

Too Good To Be True

Yet another cautionary tale for the new year: If something sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

WCAX is reporting that 32-year-old Jesse Miles of Rutland City claims to have been beaten up and robbed by three women he met online and planned to have sex with.

The kicker is that Miles was drunk, on prescription drugs and in violation of parole conditions when he knocked on a  Shaftsbury resident's door for help on New Year's Day, so he was the one who landed in custody.

The moral of the story? Unless you're Hugh Hefner or Ellen Degeneres, you're probably not lucky enough to have three women wanting to sleep with you at the same time -- so, smarten up.

Sex, Divorce and Videotape

Here's a new year's resolution suggestion for you: don't make a risque sex tape with your husband, then let him have control over the video -- especially if your husband's a dirt bag.

The New York Post is reporting that 24-year-old Lily Shang of Manhattan has filed papers in Manhattan Supreme Court saying that her estranged husband, 26-year-old David Glenn Rucker, has threatened to release "certain video of intimate moments of a sexual and private nature" on the Internet unless she agrees to a "low financial settlement in [the] divorce proceedings."

Sounds like Shang's attorney is trying to block the release of the naughty footage by claiming that Shang is a co-owner of the video and therefore needs to give written authorization before the tape is released.

Seriously, folks, when are we going to learn that video of our sexual escapades -- while hot and exciting -- is never a great idea?

Click here to read more from the New York Post.


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