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Seven Days Blogs: Mistress Maeve

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Wednesday, February 23, 2011

This Sucks

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I am terrible at giving head. I don't know what it is, but I simply cannot do it. It gags me and hurts my jaw terribly. Yet I continue to try, because my boyfriend loves it. He's an incredible lover, and I want to give him what he deserves. Is there some kind of blow-job secret I haven't tried yet?

This Sucks


Dear This Sucks,

If your boyfriend "loves it," you're probably not terrible at giving head. That said, if you're not enjoying it, you're under no obligation to keep going down on him — you should never, ever have to endure unwanted pain to have great sex. Have you shared your oral obstacles with him? If he really is an incredible lover, he will listen to your concerns and work with you to find a solution. For instance, you could alternate short stints of sucking with using your hand (hand jobs really are a lost art form…).

If you're determined to keep trying, perhaps you should think about positioning. If he's lying on his back or sitting while you're coming at him from above, his erection is most likely pointed straight into the roof of your mouth, forcing you to jut your lower jaw out to accommodate him. Instead, try a 69 scenario where he’s positioned to slide easily toward the back of your throat without you having to unhinge your jaw. If gagging is an issue, wrap your hand around the base of his penis, effectively shortening the amount of his member you take in. And, hey, with him also being able to give you pleasure in this position — you may forget your blow woes altogether. 

See ya later, sucker,

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

The Bottom Line

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My boyfriend has never had, and swears he will never have, anal sex, so how in the world do I get him to do it with me? I've told him over and over how much I love it, but he's pretty vanilla when it comes to sex. I'm very open with him sexually and have told him how hot it gets me. What will help him take the plunge?

Anally Yours


Dear Anally,

You say that you tell him over and over how much you love anal play, but have you given him the chance to tell you why he's reluctant? People have many misconceptions about anal pleasure — it's messy; only "sluts" like it; only men get off from anal penetration. In all this noise, the eroticism of anal sex gets lost. Your man could be buying into these misconceptions, so you need to get to the "bottom" of his objections.

Have a talk with him outside the bedroom, reiterating that you deeply desire to try anal with him, and tell him you want to discuss his hesitation further. Be sure to validate his feelings and be a good listener. He may have reservations that are easily remedied. For instance, he may worry anal sex is messy, and you can explain that condoms and baby wipes are an easy fix for any unforeseen mishaps. Or his issues with anal may be more deeply seated and demand more care and understanding. He could be worried that he'll hurt you, or reluctant because of his lack of anal experience. Whatever the case, give him a copy of Tristan Taormino's book The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women. You can get a version written for men, but it may ease his fears of penetrating you to read about anal pleasure from a woman's perspective.

If he decides to give anal a try, the responsibility will be on you to guide him through it. The formidable Susie Bright once said, "No lover is able to look into your eyes and figure out how you want to get fucked in the ass." She's right — he will be relying on you to play coach and cheerleader in your anal fantasy. If he still balks at your back door, it may be time to try another knocker…

Bum’s rush,

Monday, February 14, 2011

I'll make you a mix tape.

It's Valentine's Day -- chocolate, flowers, people wearing red and generally acting like lovesick idiots. Whatever.

Let's create a playlist of the best breakup songs ever. I don't mean those sappy, broken-hearted, "I'll never be the same without you" breakup songs. I want love-scorned, revenge-seeking, go-fuck-yourself songs. Obviously, "Fuck You" by Cee Lo Green comes to mind, as do "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor and "I Hope You're Happy Now" by Elvis Costello and the Attractions.

Recently, my most prized breakup song has been "Rolling in the Deep" by Adele, from her latest release, 21. Here's a taste of the lyrics and the awesome music video:

Finally, I can see you crystal clear,
Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your sheet bare,
See how I'll leave with every piece of you,
Don't underestimate the things that I will do...

...We could have had it all,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
Rolling in the deep,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),
You had my heart inside of your hands,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
And you played it to the beat,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

You can catch Adele on May 16 at the Olympia Theatre in Montreal. I'll be the one in the front row singing along to "Rolling in the Deep," weeping and cursing every asshole who's done me wrong.

In the meantime, leave a comment with your favorite breakup anthem.

Happy V-D,

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Bite Me

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I've been on two dates with this guy, and we've spent some quality time making out and dry humping like teenagers. Normally I don't wait too long to do the deed, but I've been putting him off because I feel like he might be "too sweet" to get the job done. I like sex to be on the rougher side, and in particular, I'm a huge fan of biting. I love being bitten all over, from my neck to my shoulders to thighs.

We have great kissing chemistry, and he's very passionate; I'm just not sure how to communicate my need to be bitten and dominated. Should I tell him what I like? I'm worried that will create too much expectation and stress for him. At the same time, I don't want to say nothing and risk getting deeper into a relationship with a man who can't satisfy me. Help, I really like him!

Once Bitten, Twice Shy


Dear Once Bitten,

If there's one thing I've learned, it's not to judge a book by its cover. You never know what's lying beneath that sweet and passionate exterior — he could be a vampire fetishist just waiting for the invitation to sink his teeth into your flesh. Or perhaps he is inexperienced with rougher sex but happy to learn what makes you tick.

We're all more open to suggestion when we're aroused, so let him in on your need to be nibbled while in the heat of the moment. The next time you fool around, wait for an appropriately passionate juncture and ask him to bite you. Keep it sexy, but be specific — if you want him to bite your neck, say so. If he's nibbling too lightly, tell him bite you harder. If he doesn't have a lot of experience using his canines, he'll appreciate your directions.

Assuming he obliges your request to gnaw on you, be sure to engage him in some pillow talk afterward. Tell him you really liked him biting you and ask him what he thought about your need to be nibbled. If he's eager to please you, continue telling him about your desires. Be sure to compliment him on all the things you like about him, and let him know that you're no shrinking violet. Invite him to ratchet up the roughness, and tell him he shouldn't be afraid to go "caveman" on you from time to time.

Rough and tumble,

Friday, February 04, 2011

Kochalka Kerfuffle

UPDATE (2/8/11, 2:45pm): James Kochalka published a mea culpa comic on his website yesterday. To be clear, I don't know the woman in question and didn't know of any existing letter-writing campaigns regarding Kochalka's Laureate status. I never called Kochalka out for violence against women (in fact, I said I'd like to see what Ashley's friends would do to a portrait of Cooley if given the chance). Further, I never called for him to be stripped of his Laureate status. Over the years, I have often written about the perils of dating in small-town Vermont. When I saw the post on Kochalka's website, I found it worthy of discussion. And, I stand by that -- the comic was provocative and stunning, even for American Elf.

UPDATE (2/4/11, 3:15pm): James Kochalka has removed the comic from his website. See his comment below.

Ask me what section of Seven Days I turn to first, and I say, "American Elf" -- the comic strip by James Kochalka (Vermont's Cartoonist Laureate), seemingly about his everyday life with his wife, kids, friends and cat, Spandy. It's a great strip, always good for a chuckle and sometimes a good life lesson. On a recent trip to Midtown Comics in New York City, I marveled at all of Kochalka's titles and thought, "Man, that guy really is famous!"

However, I just heard about a comic he posted on his website that, I believe, puts a little chink in his armor of awesomeness. In a comic entitled "Ashley Forever" published on Kochalka's website on January 26, the artist explains that he "did a portrait of Jason Cooley's girlfriend but now they're broken up, so he's selling it on Ebay." Cooley is a local rocker, performer and one of Kochalka's buddies. Kochalka goes on to say that he promised Cooley he'd repaint the portrait so that Ashley's head was severed. After writing, "Oh, fuck her. She probably hated me anyhow and she dumped Jason. Off with her head," he does just that, and draws Ashley's disembodied head with blood dripping out of her neck.

Word on the street is that Ashley isn't happy about her recent comic fame. Can you blame her? Going through a breakup is difficult enough without pseudo-celebrities smearing you on their blogs. Hey, it's great to have friends who want to sever the heads of those who do us wrong, but c'mon -- did Kochalka really need to post that publicly?

I don't know the first thing about these people or their breakup, but I'm willing to bet some of Ashley's friends would like a public forum in which to post drawings of what they'd like to do to Cooley. It takes two to tango -- and two to breakup.


Wednesday, February 02, 2011

Never Say Neverland

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My boyfriend and I (both in our mid-twenties) have been together off and on for the past five years, parting ways only during times of extreme geographical difference. We get along fantastically, recognize our differences and seem to balance each other really well. We just can't compromise on one very vital thing: I want kids someday, and he's not sure.

He says he's afraid he will forget to go to his kids' band concerts, afraid he won't provide enough rich cultural experiences, and he doesn't want his kids to struggle with school like he did. We got into an uncomfortable conversation about whether we should continue to date if our views are so different on something about which we cannot compromise. He told me not to listen to him and that his feelings aren't permanent. I'm afraid that we'll date happily for a few more years, and then when my "crazy clock" starts ticking, I will be alone in wanting a family.

Is it unreasonable to want to know now if we are on the same page about having kids in the future? Is his Peter Pandering likely to change, or should I listen to what he's saying and make hard choices now?

Wendy and the Lost Boy


Dear Wendy,

After being together for the better part of five years, you’re not unreasonable in wanting to know if you're on the same page about having kids.

It sounds like your man has some debilitating fears of fatherhood that need to be addressed before he feels confident enough to be a parent. It's time to revisit this issue and give it the weight it requires. Tell him that you're not willing to compromise on having kids, and that he needs to quit being wishy-washy. It's unfair for him to say he doesn't want children, then follow up with "Don't listen to me; my feelings aren't permanent." Encourage him to take some time to think, see a therapist, whatever — but tell him that he has to give you a clearer picture of what he wants, and he needs to do it quickly, so that you can make difficult decisions if need be.

Let him know that, despite his fears, you think he'd make a fantastic dad and that you're willing to be a true partner in parenthood. Your Peter Pan references may be spot on — perhaps your Lost Boy simply needs to grow up a bit and gain more confidence before deciding to bring kids into Neverland. On the other hand, if he has no desire to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, you may need to be your own Tinker Bell and save yourself from this relationship.


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