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Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Knee Pads or Walking Boots?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I have been with my man for almost three years, and we've experienced levels of generosity, intimacy, intensity and creativity in our bed that have been both important and delightful.

Here is the problem: He prefers orgasm from oral sex and wants frequent blow jobs. I prefer coitus. "Sixty-nine" doesn't seem to work for him, despite my best efforts. The best-case scenario happens when he abstains from orgasm during coitus, and I go down on him after I'm satisfied — both of us are happy. The problem is, he rarely holds back his orgasm during coitus. He wants "stand-alone blow jobs," independent of our frequent fucking. In these "blow-job-only instances," I am left hanging because he loses interest in amour immediately after orgasm.

He feels neglected and frustrated, and I feel he's asking me to forgo my pleasure so he gets what he wants. His communication is not always charming about this issue. Any suggestions? Because I'm about to toss the knee pads for some walking boots.

Pursed Lips or Bared Teeth?


Dear PL or BT,

It's time to communicate and negotiate. Stand-alone blow jobs can be fun for both partners, but not if you're feeling pressure to perform. As with work, exercise and taxes — when you're told you "must" do it, all the fun gets sucked out of it (pun intended).

You don't seem to have a problem with the knee pads, so long as you get equal consideration. Have a calm, thoughtful talk with your man. Let him know that, while you want to put stand-alone BJs back into the rotation, he first needs to show you he's willing to meet your needs, too. Kindly request that he put more effort into holding back during intercourse so you can administer your oral stylings after you've gotten off. (He's lucky you're willing to do that — many women are not.) Further, when he wants a stand-alone without intercourse, ask him to initiate the interlude by giving you some oral or digital pleasure. True stand-alones are definitely OK, but most sexual encounters should be give and take — it keeps both partners feeling satisfied and appreciated.

If your man cannot agree to putting in a little more effort, be sure to let him know about your walking boots: He needs to understand you're serious about this issue of satisfaction equality.

Fair is fair,

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