Stuck on You

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Here's a tough one: How do you fall out of love? I hooked up with a guy about two years ago and have been stuck on him since. We have developed a great friendship, but I still find myself wanting more. Having talked to him about it, he says he cannot be available to me in those ways. I've dated and had sex with other men, only to find myself wishing they were him. I have even stopped in the middle of a sexual encounter because I thought about him and felt emotional distress.

I feel like a fish out of water. I've got a lot of sexual experience, but my relationship experience is very limited. Normally I play it cool and don't let my heart get involved. These feelings make me think I'm crazy. So, how do I break the spell?

Signed,
Seriously Stuck in Montpelier

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Dear Stuck,

You deserve a pat on the back. You probably can't see it through your lovesick eyes, but this heartache is good for you. You're more comfortable playing it cool, not getting your heart involved and keeping your relationships more physical than emotional. With this guy, you busted out of your comfort zone and made a giant leap into love. Sure, you got burned for it, but it will make you a better, more understanding lover in the future.

To get over it, ditch all this language about being “seriously stuck” and “under a spell.” That's bullshit. Your heart is hurt, but you are perfectly capable of picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and moving forward. It's not going to be easy, but you've got to remember that if he's emotionally unavailable or just not into you, he's not “the one.”

It's nice that you've developed a friendship with him, but think hard about whether remaining close to him is healthy for you right now. From what you said, he seems capable of articulating his needs, so I'm sure he'll understand if you need some distance. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder — but sometimes it can help the heart heal faster.

Tough love,
mm