Talking Openly

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I'm a civil unioned guy, and I love my husband of 10 years. I also have a lover (barely legal to drink) who adores my nearly-50-year-old self. Sex with my young lover is amazing, like it used to be when I first got together with my partner. My husband knows about my lover, and he's glad I have him because he has no interest in providing me with the same strenuous workouts in bed.

Unfortunately, sex with my lover is only a once- or twice-a-year thing, for a few days at a time, when he visits New England. Here's the question: My lover proposed that I travel down to see him, and my husband states he has no qualms about it. Should I do it, or should I not open that chapter?

Sincerely,
How Far Should I Go?

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Dear How Far,

Sounds like you have a formula that works between your husband and your lover, and you're worried about spoiling the recipe by adding too many ingredients. You have a valid concern — it's not easy finding a healthy balance in an open relationship, and it seems like you're worried about messing up a good thing by getting greedy.

First and foremost, you must decide what you want. Are you chomping at the bit to visit your lover, or are you content with how things are? If you feel compelled to transform your twice-per-year trysts into quarterly occurrences, it's time to have a serious talk with your husband. Let him know that, while you appreciate his easygoing attitude about your boy toy, you would feel more comfortable setting up expectations and boundaries from the get-go. Having this conversation will solidify your commitment to hubby and also allow you to have a guilt-free good time by following the rules.

Above all else, be honest with yourself. I sense apprehension in your letter, and if you're nervous that this additional time with your lover will damage your civil union — be smart and don't do it. Your primary relationship should be your primary concern, and a young lover shouldn't cloud your judgment (no matter how much he worships your 50-year-old bod).

Sexing smart,
MM