Date Night, Hate Night

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly five years. When we met, we were just out of grad school, still went out on week nights and ate ramen noodles and drank Miller Lite to save cash. Back then, the only entertainment we could afford was getting it on. Now we're both "young professionals" who work 60 hours per week and barely have the energy for happy hour on Fridays, let alone marathon weekend sex (which we used to have all the time). We are still partners in crime, and I love him madly, but I miss him. I cringe at the thought of instituting "date night" — seems like something couples do to rekindle their love lives when there's nothing left. Yet, at the same time, I want more time with him. I'm sick of going to bed every night, him with his work papers and me with my Blackberry. Can we get the excitement back without becoming a cliché?

Signed,
Date Night Deserter

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Dear Deserter,

Why on earth is your Blackberry going to bed with you? If you're not using the phone's vibrate setting for personal pleasure, that device shouldn't be anywhere near your bed. If you are missing the intimacy that you and your “partner in crime” once shared, start by making your bed a no-work and no-technology zone — the time you spend under the sheets should be focused on each other.

Unfortunately, Hollywood likes to portray "date night" as a chore that tired, lustless couples must perform on a weekly basis. But just because it gets a bad rap on television doesn't mean there's no merit to date night. The reality is, if you don't carve out time for your relationship — and nobody else will do it for you — you'll risk drifting farther apart.

My advice is to grab some ramen noodles and Miller Lite, toss your man's briefcase and your Blackberry in a closet, and get back to your old selves — if only just for one date night. After you've reconnected, make some ground rules: No work in bed, at least one night a week to focus on each other, and at least one weekend per month for marathon sex. It may be a little cheesy, but you have to remember — cheese is delicious.

xoxo,
MM

Sexless in the City

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My boyfriend of four years and I have not had sex in almost 18 months. I have tried EVERYTHING, from getting mad and upset to asking for permission to sleep with other people.

He has always had performance problems, and I've tried to be understanding, but he won't talk about it or go to a doctor. As much as I'd like to think that the problem lies with him, I have tried to proposition two other guys and got shot down by both of them, too. I am, unfortunately, in a position where I can't leave him (yet). My self-esteem and confidence are both shot. Any other suggestions?

Signed,
Celibate and Hating It

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Dear C.A.H.I.,

I could give you advice on how to get your sex life and intimacy back on track, but would it matter? In the face of adversity in your relationship, you turned to propositioning other men as the solution. I shouldn't have to tell you this, but cheating isn't going to help. Further, even if those men had taken you up on your advances, your confidence and self-esteem would most likely still be in the toilet. You all but say you'll be out the door as soon as you're in a position to do so — which leads me to believe this relationship is over.

If any part of you wants to repair this relationship, it's time to have a serious chat with your guy. Tell him that you love him (if you do) and insist that you visit a professional together to address your intimacy issues and his possible sexual dysfunction. Let him know that if he's unwilling to work on these issues in a therapeutic environment, you will end the relationship.

Your partner can ask you to be patient and understanding, so long as he's pursuing a solution to your relationship's problems. He cannot, however, ask you to suffer while he goes on ignoring his issues. 

Good luck,
MM

Strapless

Hello Mistress,

My partner and I (both women) have been together for seven amazing years. I am sexually satisfied and can say with confidence that she feels the same way. We use a strap-on dildo (she on me only), which we both enjoy immensely. The only problem is, she won't let me watch her put it on. She goes so far as to make me wait in another room while she straps it on; then she hops under the blanket so I can't catch a glimpse.

I've tried telling her what a turn-on it is for me to be part of the "transformation," but it doesn't do any good. She likes to watch me give her blow jobs, so what’s the deal? I don't even think she knows why she's uncomfortable with it. I don't want to be a typical human and want the one thing I cannot have, but just the sound of buckles clicking into place turns me on.

Signed,
Harnessed

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Dear Harnessed,

I am normally a proponent of couples sharing most everything, inside and outside the bedroom. However, I've been around the block enough to know that women, butches, transmen and any other humans who use a strap-on can form intensely intimate relationships with these gender-blurring toys.
You say that your partner doesn't know why she's uncomfortable allowing you to watch her strap it on, but have you asked her? Let your own desires go for a moment and ask her about her relationship with her strap-on. How does it make her feel? What makes that moment so intimate that she would prefer not sharing it with you? Her answers could run the gamut from gender-identity questions to simple bashfulness.

Because your partner likes to watch you go down on her dildo, I am more apt to think she is simply having a good time with the illusion. If she's getting into the gender role-play, can't you see why she wouldn't want the fantasy interrupted by you watching her wriggle the harness straps up her thighs? The bottom line is: If your partner feels more sexy keeping her pregame private, let her. It sounds like you're a very satisfied woman, so stop thinking about what you want and start honoring your partner's erotic process. Trust me, you'll benefit, too.

Strapping,
MM