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Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Sexless in the City

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My boyfriend of four years and I have not had sex in almost 18 months. I have tried EVERYTHING, from getting mad and upset to asking for permission to sleep with other people.

He has always had performance problems, and I've tried to be understanding, but he won't talk about it or go to a doctor. As much as I'd like to think that the problem lies with him, I have tried to proposition two other guys and got shot down by both of them, too. I am, unfortunately, in a position where I can't leave him (yet). My self-esteem and confidence are both shot. Any other suggestions?

Celibate and Hating It


Dear C.A.H.I.,

I could give you advice on how to get your sex life and intimacy back on track, but would it matter? In the face of adversity in your relationship, you turned to propositioning other men as the solution. I shouldn't have to tell you this, but cheating isn't going to help. Further, even if those men had taken you up on your advances, your confidence and self-esteem would most likely still be in the toilet. You all but say you'll be out the door as soon as you're in a position to do so — which leads me to believe this relationship is over.

If any part of you wants to repair this relationship, it's time to have a serious chat with your guy. Tell him that you love him (if you do) and insist that you visit a professional together to address your intimacy issues and his possible sexual dysfunction. Let him know that if he's unwilling to work on these issues in a therapeutic environment, you will end the relationship.

Your partner can ask you to be patient and understanding, so long as he's pursuing a solution to your relationship's problems. He cannot, however, ask you to suffer while he goes on ignoring his issues. 

Good luck,

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