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Thursday, April 07, 2011


Hello Mistress,

My partner and I (both women) have been together for seven amazing years. I am sexually satisfied and can say with confidence that she feels the same way. We use a strap-on dildo (she on me only), which we both enjoy immensely. The only problem is, she won't let me watch her put it on. She goes so far as to make me wait in another room while she straps it on; then she hops under the blanket so I can't catch a glimpse.

I've tried telling her what a turn-on it is for me to be part of the "transformation," but it doesn't do any good. She likes to watch me give her blow jobs, so what’s the deal? I don't even think she knows why she's uncomfortable with it. I don't want to be a typical human and want the one thing I cannot have, but just the sound of buckles clicking into place turns me on.



Dear Harnessed,

I am normally a proponent of couples sharing most everything, inside and outside the bedroom. However, I've been around the block enough to know that women, butches, transmen and any other humans who use a strap-on can form intensely intimate relationships with these gender-blurring toys.
You say that your partner doesn't know why she's uncomfortable allowing you to watch her strap it on, but have you asked her? Let your own desires go for a moment and ask her about her relationship with her strap-on. How does it make her feel? What makes that moment so intimate that she would prefer not sharing it with you? Her answers could run the gamut from gender-identity questions to simple bashfulness.

Because your partner likes to watch you go down on her dildo, I am more apt to think she is simply having a good time with the illusion. If she's getting into the gender role-play, can't you see why she wouldn't want the fantasy interrupted by you watching her wriggle the harness straps up her thighs? The bottom line is: If your partner feels more sexy keeping her pregame private, let her. It sounds like you're a very satisfied woman, so stop thinking about what you want and start honoring your partner's erotic process. Trust me, you'll benefit, too.


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