Date Night, Hate Night

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly five years. When we met, we were just out of grad school, still went out on week nights and ate ramen noodles and drank Miller Lite to save cash. Back then, the only entertainment we could afford was getting it on. Now we're both "young professionals" who work 60 hours per week and barely have the energy for happy hour on Fridays, let alone marathon weekend sex (which we used to have all the time). We are still partners in crime, and I love him madly, but I miss him. I cringe at the thought of instituting "date night" — seems like something couples do to rekindle their love lives when there's nothing left. Yet, at the same time, I want more time with him. I'm sick of going to bed every night, him with his work papers and me with my Blackberry. Can we get the excitement back without becoming a cliché?

Signed,
Date Night Deserter

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Dear Deserter,

Why on earth is your Blackberry going to bed with you? If you're not using the phone's vibrate setting for personal pleasure, that device shouldn't be anywhere near your bed. If you are missing the intimacy that you and your “partner in crime” once shared, start by making your bed a no-work and no-technology zone — the time you spend under the sheets should be focused on each other.

Unfortunately, Hollywood likes to portray "date night" as a chore that tired, lustless couples must perform on a weekly basis. But just because it gets a bad rap on television doesn't mean there's no merit to date night. The reality is, if you don't carve out time for your relationship — and nobody else will do it for you — you'll risk drifting farther apart.

My advice is to grab some ramen noodles and Miller Lite, toss your man's briefcase and your Blackberry in a closet, and get back to your old selves — if only just for one date night. After you've reconnected, make some ground rules: No work in bed, at least one night a week to focus on each other, and at least one weekend per month for marathon sex. It may be a little cheesy, but you have to remember — cheese is delicious.

xoxo,
MM

Sexless in the City

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My boyfriend of four years and I have not had sex in almost 18 months. I have tried EVERYTHING, from getting mad and upset to asking for permission to sleep with other people.

He has always had performance problems, and I've tried to be understanding, but he won't talk about it or go to a doctor. As much as I'd like to think that the problem lies with him, I have tried to proposition two other guys and got shot down by both of them, too. I am, unfortunately, in a position where I can't leave him (yet). My self-esteem and confidence are both shot. Any other suggestions?

Signed,
Celibate and Hating It

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Dear C.A.H.I.,

I could give you advice on how to get your sex life and intimacy back on track, but would it matter? In the face of adversity in your relationship, you turned to propositioning other men as the solution. I shouldn't have to tell you this, but cheating isn't going to help. Further, even if those men had taken you up on your advances, your confidence and self-esteem would most likely still be in the toilet. You all but say you'll be out the door as soon as you're in a position to do so — which leads me to believe this relationship is over.

If any part of you wants to repair this relationship, it's time to have a serious chat with your guy. Tell him that you love him (if you do) and insist that you visit a professional together to address your intimacy issues and his possible sexual dysfunction. Let him know that if he's unwilling to work on these issues in a therapeutic environment, you will end the relationship.

Your partner can ask you to be patient and understanding, so long as he's pursuing a solution to your relationship's problems. He cannot, however, ask you to suffer while he goes on ignoring his issues. 

Good luck,
MM

Strapless

Hello Mistress,

My partner and I (both women) have been together for seven amazing years. I am sexually satisfied and can say with confidence that she feels the same way. We use a strap-on dildo (she on me only), which we both enjoy immensely. The only problem is, she won't let me watch her put it on. She goes so far as to make me wait in another room while she straps it on; then she hops under the blanket so I can't catch a glimpse.

I've tried telling her what a turn-on it is for me to be part of the "transformation," but it doesn't do any good. She likes to watch me give her blow jobs, so what’s the deal? I don't even think she knows why she's uncomfortable with it. I don't want to be a typical human and want the one thing I cannot have, but just the sound of buckles clicking into place turns me on.

Signed,
Harnessed

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Dear Harnessed,

I am normally a proponent of couples sharing most everything, inside and outside the bedroom. However, I've been around the block enough to know that women, butches, transmen and any other humans who use a strap-on can form intensely intimate relationships with these gender-blurring toys.
You say that your partner doesn't know why she's uncomfortable allowing you to watch her strap it on, but have you asked her? Let your own desires go for a moment and ask her about her relationship with her strap-on. How does it make her feel? What makes that moment so intimate that she would prefer not sharing it with you? Her answers could run the gamut from gender-identity questions to simple bashfulness.

Because your partner likes to watch you go down on her dildo, I am more apt to think she is simply having a good time with the illusion. If she's getting into the gender role-play, can't you see why she wouldn't want the fantasy interrupted by you watching her wriggle the harness straps up her thighs? The bottom line is: If your partner feels more sexy keeping her pregame private, let her. It sounds like you're a very satisfied woman, so stop thinking about what you want and start honoring your partner's erotic process. Trust me, you'll benefit, too.

Strapping,
MM

Stuck on You

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Here's a tough one: How do you fall out of love? I hooked up with a guy about two years ago and have been stuck on him since. We have developed a great friendship, but I still find myself wanting more. Having talked to him about it, he says he cannot be available to me in those ways. I've dated and had sex with other men, only to find myself wishing they were him. I have even stopped in the middle of a sexual encounter because I thought about him and felt emotional distress.

I feel like a fish out of water. I've got a lot of sexual experience, but my relationship experience is very limited. Normally I play it cool and don't let my heart get involved. These feelings make me think I'm crazy. So, how do I break the spell?

Signed,
Seriously Stuck in Montpelier

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Dear Stuck,

You deserve a pat on the back. You probably can't see it through your lovesick eyes, but this heartache is good for you. You're more comfortable playing it cool, not getting your heart involved and keeping your relationships more physical than emotional. With this guy, you busted out of your comfort zone and made a giant leap into love. Sure, you got burned for it, but it will make you a better, more understanding lover in the future.

To get over it, ditch all this language about being “seriously stuck” and “under a spell.” That's bullshit. Your heart is hurt, but you are perfectly capable of picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and moving forward. It's not going to be easy, but you've got to remember that if he's emotionally unavailable or just not into you, he's not “the one.”

It's nice that you've developed a friendship with him, but think hard about whether remaining close to him is healthy for you right now. From what you said, he seems capable of articulating his needs, so I'm sure he'll understand if you need some distance. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder — but sometimes it can help the heart heal faster.

Tough love,
mm

Pudge Nudge

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My partner has gone a bit pudgy since we got into our committed relationship. I know I shouldn't let this get in the way, but it sort of does for me. Each year my partner gets a little more pudgy, and some feature or curve that I once enjoyed disappears.

I know from reading your column that you're totally pro-plus size, and I don't want to feel bad about this situation. I feel sort of stuck. I like my partner a great deal, but sex with my partner isn't something I look forward to. No idea what to do. I brought it up a few years ago, and, as you might imagine, it didn't go over well. I don't know what to do. I guess just deal with it and learn to accept it?

What would you say to a friend in this situation?

Signed,
Pudge Nudge

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Dear P.N.,

I'm not so much "pro-plus size" as I am "pro-realism." We all come in different shapes, sizes and looks — and we change over time. People go bald, lose muscle definition, get wrinkles and gain weight. If you want to have a great sex life into your golden years, you better learn not only to accept these inevitable changes in your partner, but to eroticize them. That is, unless you'd prefer to exchange the benefits of a relationship for a life of chasing partners 20 years your junior — but that seems like a lonely and pathetic way to go.

To a friend in this situation, I would say: You will experience a much hotter, more satisfying love life when you understand that the best sex is born from both physical and intellectual attraction. I would urge my friend to examine what's really going on. If a relationship is strongly rooted in love, respect and attraction, a few missing curves shouldn't be a deal breaker. Perhaps, on reflection, my friend would see that there's more wrong in the relationship than a partner who has "gone a bit pudgy." A true love would be able to overcome much more than that.

Pushin’ the cushion,
MM

Knee Pads or Walking Boots?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I have been with my man for almost three years, and we've experienced levels of generosity, intimacy, intensity and creativity in our bed that have been both important and delightful.

Here is the problem: He prefers orgasm from oral sex and wants frequent blow jobs. I prefer coitus. "Sixty-nine" doesn't seem to work for him, despite my best efforts. The best-case scenario happens when he abstains from orgasm during coitus, and I go down on him after I'm satisfied — both of us are happy. The problem is, he rarely holds back his orgasm during coitus. He wants "stand-alone blow jobs," independent of our frequent fucking. In these "blow-job-only instances," I am left hanging because he loses interest in amour immediately after orgasm.

He feels neglected and frustrated, and I feel he's asking me to forgo my pleasure so he gets what he wants. His communication is not always charming about this issue. Any suggestions? Because I'm about to toss the knee pads for some walking boots.

Signed,
Pursed Lips or Bared Teeth?

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Dear PL or BT,

It's time to communicate and negotiate. Stand-alone blow jobs can be fun for both partners, but not if you're feeling pressure to perform. As with work, exercise and taxes — when you're told you "must" do it, all the fun gets sucked out of it (pun intended).

You don't seem to have a problem with the knee pads, so long as you get equal consideration. Have a calm, thoughtful talk with your man. Let him know that, while you want to put stand-alone BJs back into the rotation, he first needs to show you he's willing to meet your needs, too. Kindly request that he put more effort into holding back during intercourse so you can administer your oral stylings after you've gotten off. (He's lucky you're willing to do that — many women are not.) Further, when he wants a stand-alone without intercourse, ask him to initiate the interlude by giving you some oral or digital pleasure. True stand-alones are definitely OK, but most sexual encounters should be give and take — it keeps both partners feeling satisfied and appreciated.

If your man cannot agree to putting in a little more effort, be sure to let him know about your walking boots: He needs to understand you're serious about this issue of satisfaction equality.

Fair is fair,
MM

Talking Openly

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I'm a civil unioned guy, and I love my husband of 10 years. I also have a lover (barely legal to drink) who adores my nearly-50-year-old self. Sex with my young lover is amazing, like it used to be when I first got together with my partner. My husband knows about my lover, and he's glad I have him because he has no interest in providing me with the same strenuous workouts in bed.

Unfortunately, sex with my lover is only a once- or twice-a-year thing, for a few days at a time, when he visits New England. Here's the question: My lover proposed that I travel down to see him, and my husband states he has no qualms about it. Should I do it, or should I not open that chapter?

Sincerely,
How Far Should I Go?

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Dear How Far,

Sounds like you have a formula that works between your husband and your lover, and you're worried about spoiling the recipe by adding too many ingredients. You have a valid concern — it's not easy finding a healthy balance in an open relationship, and it seems like you're worried about messing up a good thing by getting greedy.

First and foremost, you must decide what you want. Are you chomping at the bit to visit your lover, or are you content with how things are? If you feel compelled to transform your twice-per-year trysts into quarterly occurrences, it's time to have a serious talk with your husband. Let him know that, while you appreciate his easygoing attitude about your boy toy, you would feel more comfortable setting up expectations and boundaries from the get-go. Having this conversation will solidify your commitment to hubby and also allow you to have a guilt-free good time by following the rules.

Above all else, be honest with yourself. I sense apprehension in your letter, and if you're nervous that this additional time with your lover will damage your civil union — be smart and don't do it. Your primary relationship should be your primary concern, and a young lover shouldn't cloud your judgment (no matter how much he worships your 50-year-old bod).

Sexing smart,
MM

Quick and Dirty

Last week we revealed the results of our biennial Sex Survey of readers. In addition to telling us all your intimate details — which include a peculiar new trend of whacking it into your coworkers' wastebaskets — some of you submitted questions to me that I will be answering here over time. A handful of you, though, had quick-and-dirty questions. I've compiled the answers here for your reading delight.

What do I do if I decide I don’t want to swallow?
Let him take aim at your chest, behind or face. If all else fails, spit.

Where would you send someone looking to meet other kinky people locally?
Vermont kinksters host several “munches” per month, or public meetups where pervy people can mix and mingle without any pressure to perform. Most are listed on Fetlife.com — a kinky social-networking website. Kind of like Facebook, only way more fun...

Do you have a wastebasket in your office? Would you let me masturbate into it?
Yes, I do — and, no, you may not.

What if I get hot just reading the survey questions?
If you get hot just reading these questions, you’re a normal, sexual being — and any sex partner would be lucky to have you.

Do sex toys wear out? Our “little friends” are burning our butts! They didn’t when they were new.
Yes, toys wear out! Be sure to read the instructions and fine print on every toy you buy — clean them properly and adhere to the storage directions. And, for crying out loud, if your toys are burning your butts, THROW THEM AWAY!

How do you make love last?
Communication, dedication, patience and a sense of humor.

If you have a burning desire to ask me a question about love and lust, don't hesitate to email me (see right for link). Whether the question be long or short, I'm happy to answer — I'm not a size queen.

Short and sweet,
MM

This Sucks

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I am terrible at giving head. I don't know what it is, but I simply cannot do it. It gags me and hurts my jaw terribly. Yet I continue to try, because my boyfriend loves it. He's an incredible lover, and I want to give him what he deserves. Is there some kind of blow-job secret I haven't tried yet?

Signed,
This Sucks

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Dear This Sucks,

If your boyfriend "loves it," you're probably not terrible at giving head. That said, if you're not enjoying it, you're under no obligation to keep going down on him — you should never, ever have to endure unwanted pain to have great sex. Have you shared your oral obstacles with him? If he really is an incredible lover, he will listen to your concerns and work with you to find a solution. For instance, you could alternate short stints of sucking with using your hand (hand jobs really are a lost art form…).

If you're determined to keep trying, perhaps you should think about positioning. If he's lying on his back or sitting while you're coming at him from above, his erection is most likely pointed straight into the roof of your mouth, forcing you to jut your lower jaw out to accommodate him. Instead, try a 69 scenario where he’s positioned to slide easily toward the back of your throat without you having to unhinge your jaw. If gagging is an issue, wrap your hand around the base of his penis, effectively shortening the amount of his member you take in. And, hey, with him also being able to give you pleasure in this position — you may forget your blow woes altogether. 

See ya later, sucker,
MM

The Bottom Line

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My boyfriend has never had, and swears he will never have, anal sex, so how in the world do I get him to do it with me? I've told him over and over how much I love it, but he's pretty vanilla when it comes to sex. I'm very open with him sexually and have told him how hot it gets me. What will help him take the plunge?

Signed,
Anally Yours

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Dear Anally,

You say that you tell him over and over how much you love anal play, but have you given him the chance to tell you why he's reluctant? People have many misconceptions about anal pleasure — it's messy; only "sluts" like it; only men get off from anal penetration. In all this noise, the eroticism of anal sex gets lost. Your man could be buying into these misconceptions, so you need to get to the "bottom" of his objections.

Have a talk with him outside the bedroom, reiterating that you deeply desire to try anal with him, and tell him you want to discuss his hesitation further. Be sure to validate his feelings and be a good listener. He may have reservations that are easily remedied. For instance, he may worry anal sex is messy, and you can explain that condoms and baby wipes are an easy fix for any unforeseen mishaps. Or his issues with anal may be more deeply seated and demand more care and understanding. He could be worried that he'll hurt you, or reluctant because of his lack of anal experience. Whatever the case, give him a copy of Tristan Taormino's book The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women. You can get a version written for men, but it may ease his fears of penetrating you to read about anal pleasure from a woman's perspective.

If he decides to give anal a try, the responsibility will be on you to guide him through it. The formidable Susie Bright once said, "No lover is able to look into your eyes and figure out how you want to get fucked in the ass." She's right — he will be relying on you to play coach and cheerleader in your anal fantasy. If he still balks at your back door, it may be time to try another knocker…

Bum’s rush,
MM

Bite Me

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I've been on two dates with this guy, and we've spent some quality time making out and dry humping like teenagers. Normally I don't wait too long to do the deed, but I've been putting him off because I feel like he might be "too sweet" to get the job done. I like sex to be on the rougher side, and in particular, I'm a huge fan of biting. I love being bitten all over, from my neck to my shoulders to thighs.

We have great kissing chemistry, and he's very passionate; I'm just not sure how to communicate my need to be bitten and dominated. Should I tell him what I like? I'm worried that will create too much expectation and stress for him. At the same time, I don't want to say nothing and risk getting deeper into a relationship with a man who can't satisfy me. Help, I really like him!

Signed,
Once Bitten, Twice Shy

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Dear Once Bitten,

If there's one thing I've learned, it's not to judge a book by its cover. You never know what's lying beneath that sweet and passionate exterior — he could be a vampire fetishist just waiting for the invitation to sink his teeth into your flesh. Or perhaps he is inexperienced with rougher sex but happy to learn what makes you tick.

We're all more open to suggestion when we're aroused, so let him in on your need to be nibbled while in the heat of the moment. The next time you fool around, wait for an appropriately passionate juncture and ask him to bite you. Keep it sexy, but be specific — if you want him to bite your neck, say so. If he's nibbling too lightly, tell him bite you harder. If he doesn't have a lot of experience using his canines, he'll appreciate your directions.

Assuming he obliges your request to gnaw on you, be sure to engage him in some pillow talk afterward. Tell him you really liked him biting you and ask him what he thought about your need to be nibbled. If he's eager to please you, continue telling him about your desires. Be sure to compliment him on all the things you like about him, and let him know that you're no shrinking violet. Invite him to ratchet up the roughness, and tell him he shouldn't be afraid to go "caveman" on you from time to time.

Rough and tumble,
MM

Never Say Neverland

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My boyfriend and I (both in our mid-twenties) have been together off and on for the past five years, parting ways only during times of extreme geographical difference. We get along fantastically, recognize our differences and seem to balance each other really well. We just can't compromise on one very vital thing: I want kids someday, and he's not sure.

He says he's afraid he will forget to go to his kids' band concerts, afraid he won't provide enough rich cultural experiences, and he doesn't want his kids to struggle with school like he did. We got into an uncomfortable conversation about whether we should continue to date if our views are so different on something about which we cannot compromise. He told me not to listen to him and that his feelings aren't permanent. I'm afraid that we'll date happily for a few more years, and then when my "crazy clock" starts ticking, I will be alone in wanting a family.

Is it unreasonable to want to know now if we are on the same page about having kids in the future? Is his Peter Pandering likely to change, or should I listen to what he's saying and make hard choices now?

Signed,
Wendy and the Lost Boy

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Dear Wendy,

After being together for the better part of five years, you’re not unreasonable in wanting to know if you're on the same page about having kids.

It sounds like your man has some debilitating fears of fatherhood that need to be addressed before he feels confident enough to be a parent. It's time to revisit this issue and give it the weight it requires. Tell him that you're not willing to compromise on having kids, and that he needs to quit being wishy-washy. It's unfair for him to say he doesn't want children, then follow up with "Don't listen to me; my feelings aren't permanent." Encourage him to take some time to think, see a therapist, whatever — but tell him that he has to give you a clearer picture of what he wants, and he needs to do it quickly, so that you can make difficult decisions if need be.

Let him know that, despite his fears, you think he'd make a fantastic dad and that you're willing to be a true partner in parenthood. Your Peter Pan references may be spot on — perhaps your Lost Boy simply needs to grow up a bit and gain more confidence before deciding to bring kids into Neverland. On the other hand, if he has no desire to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, you may need to be your own Tinker Bell and save yourself from this relationship.

Faerie-tailing,
MM

Left For the Ex

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I had been dating someone and it was going great; then, BAM! — he went back to his ex. From what he says, she cheated on him, said terrible things to him and is an all-around bad person.

Why do some people go back to toxic situations, even when they have had a taste of a healthy, warm, loving relationship? Is he just addicted to the drama, or is it something deeper? Why would he be willing to go back to a situation where he was treated like shit?

I consider myself a trustworthy, loving and all-around good person — and yet I’m still single. Meanwhile, all the awful, self-centered people seem to have all the luck in love and never really get what they deserve. What gives?

Signed,
Disgusted and Confused

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Dear D & C,

Getting dumped for an ex can be especially painful because it may feel like you were just a Band-Aid, a short-term fix for his heartache while he waited to go back to her. When that Band-Aid gets ripped off, the pain is excruciating.

The truth is, if he wasn't over his ex, no amount of healthy love and warmth from you could have lured him into the light. In an ideal world, he would have had the emotional wherewithal to acknowledge his lingering feelings for his ex and not go full throttle into a relationship with you. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like he was mature enough to take your feelings and well-being into account.

Plain and simple: This guy isn't good enough for you, so it's time to stop giving him your energy. If he wants to keep banging his head against the wall with his ex, so be it. It's time for you to drop the "woe-is-me-I'm-still-single" act and refocus some positive energy on yourself — it's the only way love is going to come knockin’ on your door.

Knock, knock,
MM

Getting Air

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I'm very fortunate to have a lovely and loving boyfriend with whom I have fantastic sex and honest, sincere communication. However, we have one recurring issue that I find hugely embarrassing: queefs. We're a snug fit together, and he usually doesn't pull out all the way during love making, so I can't figure out how all this air is getting pushed inside me. It seems to happen no matter the position, but is much more evident if I'm on top.

He's not at all bothered by my sonic sexual symphony, and I try to laugh it off — but I would much prefer to do without the acoustics. My real concern, however, is for air embolisms — particularly if and when we decide to have children; I know they can be fatal for pregnant women and fetuses. Short of abstinence, how can we lessen the danger?

Signed,
Joan of Vart

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Dear Joan,

Queefs, or vaginal farts, occur when air is sucked into the vagina and then released, creating your own vagina beatbox (pbbfft, pfft, pbbbt). Queefs mostly happen during sex or while you’re performing a downward-facing dog during yoga class — embarrassing!

Generally, queefs are nothing more than occasional events best laughed off and forgotten. However, if you're performing a "sonic sexual symphony" every time you're intimate, it can be difficult to relax and focus on orgasm — especially if you're stressing over dropping dead from a vaginal embolism. While such events are extremely rare, Columbia University Health Services confirms that if a very large amount of air were blown or forced into the vagina, it could cause health complications for both women and fetuses — some extraordinary cases result in death. However, I can't stress enough that this is very rare. As along as your partner isn't blowing up your vagina with a bicycle pump, you should be fine.

Usually women experience queefing in particular positions (doggie-style seems to create the most air bubbles). But, if you're pushing out air in every position, lack of lubrication or the curvature of your boyfriend's penis may be to blame. Try some water-based lube and experiment with positions where your legs are closer together — that may close the gap, so to speak. If all else fails, turn up the music, moan louder and embrace your body's idiosyncrasies.

Beatboxing,
MM

Sunny Side Up?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My wife and I just got back from watching Black Swan. Not only is it an excellent psychological thriller, but it has a steamy female masturbation scene. Not to give too much away, but it's Natalie Portman, it's very realistic, and she's face down.

You and many of your readers may be too old to remember Single White Female, but it's another excellent thriller, also with female masturbation, and this time it's Jennifer Jason Leigh also self-helping face down.

My wife self-helps face up, always. So my question of prurient interest is: What percent of women prefer face-down masturbation versus face up, and what are the pros and cons of each?

Sincerely,
Sunny Side Up or Down?

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Dear Sunny,

Too old to remember Single White Female? I think you mean too young, thank you very much. And, if I recall correctly, Jennifer Jason Leigh starts out masturbating face down on the bed but flips onto her back just before being interrupted by Bridget Fonda's character. This combination move also appears in one of my favorite films, Secretary, when Maggie Gyllenhaal's character begins touching herself while lying on her stomach, then turns over to finish the interlude by fantasizing about her sadist boss and chanting, "I'm your secretary. I'm your secretary!"

Unfortunately, science doesn't put a great deal of importance on female sexuality, so stats on female masturbation techniques are difficult to find. I've always thought women are more apt to masturbate in the same way they discovered self-pleasure. Meaning, if a woman began masturbating on her stomach as a child, she'll often revisit that technique as an adult.

As for pros and cons, it's all about personal preference. Women who lie on their backs have easy access to the clitoris and a comfortable position for vaginal penetration. The face-down "grinding" action used by Portman in Black Swan is often employed by women whose clitorises are too sensitive for direct contact. You'll notice that Portman's character also keeps her panties on during the scene, providing yet another protective barrier from direct stimulation of the clitoris.

Whatever the position, I'm just happy that we're glimpsing female self-pleasure on the silver screen. If your wife is so inclined, she should try masturbating Portman-style — it's never too late to learn new moves.

Self-helping,
MM

Lonely in the Tundra

Dear Mistress Maeve,

The close of another year … alone. I am a rapidly-turning-40 dude who's never been married, not even close. In my twenties, I thought I had so much time. In my thirties, I spent too much time chasing my twenties (and the women to match). Now, here I am — the only single guy out of all my friends. I spend most evening with frozen pizza and Netflix. Just about the only interaction with women I get is through my Xbox. I don't ski. I don't bike. I have a beer gut. Yet I live in Vermont — where you can't meet a girl unless you bump into her at a sporting-goods store or hiking fucking Camel's Hump.

Do I really have to give up living in this beautiful land and move to a city in order to find a woman who doesn't own a pair of Sorels?

Signed,
Lonely in the Tundra

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Dear Lonely,

Sorry to break it to you, but any Vermont woman who doesn't own a pair of snow boots is an idiot. However, that doesn't mean you can't find a girl who's willing to swap her Sorels for stilettos, given a proper invitation.

Last time I checked, no eligible ladies were hanging out around your pity pot, so get off it. Your failure to rock climb and backcountry snowboard may make dating more difficult, but you just have to get creative. What type of woman are you looking for? Perhaps you'll meet her at an art class, at the comic shop, or sitting at a table at Muddy Waters? If you're still attached to staying on your couch, give online dating a whirl. I guarantee, you'll find plenty of Vermont women who would prefer a night on the town to a day on the mountain.

And, hey, if all else fails, you're just a short drive from Montréal — a city bustling with metropolitan ladies.

Happy New Year,
MM

Rubbing Her the Wrong Way

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My partner and I (she's a woman; I'm a man) are each 60, have been together four years, and have the best sex of our lives together. Recently we were staying in a motel and, after an extraordinary session of love making, I woke up at 3:30 in the morning with insomnia. Our sex should have knocked me out for the night, but it didn't, and I soon started replaying our earlier love making in my head. I was aroused. Rather than wake my lovely partner, who needs more sleep than I do, I began to quietly masturbate — but it wasn't quiet enough. It woke her, and besides being annoyed to be woken, she was upset, believing that my masturbating meant her love making wasn't good enough for me.

We talked about it the next day, and I told her she had nothing to worry about. I told her that just thinking about her excites me and makes me so happy and satisfied that I rarely masturbate, but that men and women are different. Maybe a woman masturbating during a relationship can reflect some dissatisfaction, especially if it's done regularly. Maybe it's the same with a man, too, for that matter.

We enjoy your column, so I offered to write to you for your take on this matter.

Signed,
Essex Wanker (rarely!)

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Dear Wanker,

News flash! Guys, if you think you can masturbate next to your sleeping beauty and not wake her, get real! Unless she's had a bottle of Chardonnay and two Advil PM tablets, the subtle shaking of the entire bed and the suctioned slapping sound of you jerking it are sure to rouse her from slumber. If you must tend to business, please, head for the bathroom.

Now that we've got that squared away, let's move on to your inquiry. As long as you are still interested in sex with your partner — which you clearly are — masturbating is a healthy activity. Your sexual relationship with yourself is just as important as your sexual relationship with your partner. Through masturbation, we learn which sensations feel good to us, and we're able to play out fantasies in our minds that fuel the continued intimacy with our partners. Your lady has nothing to worry about. In fact, she should be thrilled to have a sexually charged partner who worships her so.

One last thing: Forget the gender bias in your talks about masturbation. Men and women enjoy pleasure equally, and the idea that men should get off more just encourages old ways of thinking about women and sex.

Touchingly yours,
MM

Not Aural About Oral

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I have been sleeping with a guy for a few months now. I think that we connect and have great sexual chemistry, but there is something missing.

In the beginning, we would just have fast and rushed sex, but as time went on and we realized our encounters were going to keep happening, more foreplay became involved. So I have performed oral sex on him several times now and he has YET to go down on me. I'm really into that and I would really like it to happen, but I don't know how to approach the topic. I don't feel comfortable enough in the heat of the moment to just ask him to do it and I don't know if he has any weird reservations about it. So I don't know what to do. What gives?

Signed,
Oral, Not Aural

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Dear Oral, Not Aural,

Let me ask you a question: If you stopped going down on him, how long do you think it would take him to inquire about your sudden suspension of services? My guess is probably not long, so why are you being bashful about asking him to please you?

If you can't bring it up in the heat of the moment, give it the pillow-talk treatment. Talking about our desires and making requests of our lovers is sometimes best received while basking in the glow of a successful romp. Start by complimenting him on the areas of lovemaking where he excels, then just come out and ask him: I've noticed you've never made a move to go down on me -- how do you feel about giving oral? You may discover he has hang-ups, or you may learn he was simply waiting for you to guide him.

I don't care when and how you talk to him about it, but you MUST talk to him about it. Asking him for what you want is as much of a lesson for you in communication as it is a lesson for him in reciprocation.

Sweet and lowdown,
MM

Exed Out

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Last week you responded to a woman who was concerned about her boyfriend's relationship with his ex. Well, I'm in a similar situation, except I'm the guy in the scenario.

I'm dating this phenomenal woman, and I have nothing but the best of intentions with her. While I don't run errands for my ex or help her with household finances, we do hang out a couple times a month (happy-hour drinks or lunch). My new girlfriend has recently expressed her dislike of my relationship with my ex and has asked me to stop hanging out with her. I told her I thought it was ridiculous for her to ask me to stop hanging out with a friend. She said that it was "obvious" my ex is still into me. I don't see it.

I haven't hung out with my ex since this talk with my girlfriend, but I don't feel good about it. Can't exes be friends as long as certain lines are not crossed?

Signed,
Ex-isting Relationship

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Dear Ex-isting,

Relationships with exes are complicated. Some people can have pleasant, nonthreatening friendships with past lovers, while others can't get near their exes for fear of being arrested or committed. Many of us fall somewhere in between with former flames, and what happens in this gray area can cause problems in our current relationships.

The bottom line: It's not OK for your girlfriend to dictate whom you can and cannot hang out with. That said, she has to be able to trust your decision-making fully when it comes to your ex.
Who broke up with whom? If you broke it off with your ex and she still wants to spend time with you, she may be pining for you. Be certain you're navigating this friendship with your eyes wide open. It feels good to spend time with people who admire us (and want to sleep with us), but you must be careful not to take advantage of your ex's vulnerabilities just to feed your ego.

But, hey, if you're 100 percent certain your friendship is on the up and up, it's time to reopen the conversation with your girlfriend. Let her know that, while you understand her concerns, you're not willing to ditch a friend over unfounded jealousy. Kindly remind her that a good relationship is built on trust, and you expect her to extend you some.

Exed out,
MM

Perplexed By Ex

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I've been dating a guy for about a month. I'm a total commitment-phobe, so I'm shocked to feel giddy and optimistic over this guy. We just "click," as they say.

I'm liking everything he's bringing to the table, except for one thing. I can't quite wrap my mind around his relationship with his ex. From what I gather, they were together about a year before she dumped him (not his choice to leave). Since then, he has continued to help her with household projects and errands when her car is in the shop. I initially thought this was just him being nice, but I recently found out that he paid a utility bill for her when she was unable to make a payment. Uh, really? If we're going to be in a relationship, that's just too much.

All these things put together are raising some major red flags for me. Not having had many relationships, I have no idea what the rules are for how exes should interact.

Thanks for the advice,
Perplexed by Ex

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Dear Perplexed,

Unfortunately, you won't find a rule book for dealing with exes. However, you already have your best reference guide: your gut. If your psychic receptors are telling you that he's not finished with his ex, you're probably right.

It sounds like his ex no longer wanted the responsibility of being in a relationship but still wants to reap the benefits of having a boyfriend. Hey, as long as he's willing to be her whipping boy, why should she stop using him?

Before you commit further to this guy, have a conversation with him about his ex. As uncomfortable as it may be, you must be honest about your feelings. While some people have no problem with partners who remain close to exes, he has clearly crossed a line for you by paying one of her bills, and it's important that you let him know that. Tell him that, while you appreciate his kindness toward his ex, if he wants to be in a relationship with you, he'll need to work with you to find an agreeable level of interaction with her.

Hear what he has to say for himself. If you're still seeing red flags, it may be time to back off a bit. Perhaps if he sees what he's missing, he'll stop being his ex’s doormat.

Committed,
MM