Crush It

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I have been in a relationship with my wonderful girlfriend for five years. We are happy and I can't imagine anyone else I would want to be with. There have been several times over the past five years when I have found myself with what I see as harmless crushes on other women. Oftentimes they are short lived and I have never cheated. Basically, I'll meet a woman who I find interesting and attractive, and I'll find myself thinking about her a lot and anticipating the next time I'll get to see her. After a couple of weeks, the crush will fade and I always find myself remembering how in love with my girlfriend I am.
 
Are these crushes just a normal part of being in a long-term relationship, or are they occurring because there is something missing in my relationship? I am certain I would rather be in a relationship with my girlfriend than the women I have had crushes on. Are these harmless, or am I kidding myself? 

Signed,
Crush ’Em

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Dear Crush ’Em,

Some say any flirting or fantasizing outside of a relationship is inappropriate. However, a crush is generally defined as a brief infatuation with someone unattainable — so, what's the harm? In fact, if done respectfully, crushes can keep a long-term relationship more healthy. Crushes brighten our otherwise mundane days (awaiting the crushable delivery person or sharing flirty smiles with the barista who serves up our double latte), and they can also pump up our egos. Thus, when we return home, we're in better moods and feel good about ourselves — both ingredients for keeping the home fires burning.

So, no, you're not kidding yourself; most crushes are harmless. That said, keep yourself on a tight leash. If your crushes begin to take energy away from your primary relationship, address it immediately. Ask yourself, “Why does it feel better to think about this other person, rather my partner?” If you're indulging too much in your crushes, your relationship may be falling short in some ways. If that's the case, don't keep your partner in the dark — address it honestly, describing what you think you're missing and make a plan to move forward together. Otherwise, you run the risk of crushing your relationship.

Crushed,
MM

Slip Slidin' Away

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I recently started seeing a guy, and I was relieved and happy to learn that he takes safe sex as seriously as I do. Even though I'm on the pill, we have used a condom each time we have sex and will continue to do so until we decide whether we're taking this thing to the next level. However, a distressing pattern has emerged. Whenever I'm on top of him (my favorite position), the condom slips off! When I get off of him, I find it inside me or lying on the bed. WTF?!

We are using standard-sized condoms, and he's not small, so I don't think it's a size issue. Condoms stay on in every other position; why is this happening when I'm on top?

Signed,
Slipped When Dipped

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Dear Slipped,

First and foremost, kudos to you and your man for taking safe sex seriously. Unless you're a monogamous couple with two clean bills of health, you should be keeping it covered.

Just like penises, all condom brands are not created equal. The condom may be the appropriate size, but make sure he's using the brand that gives him the snuggest fit. Also, be sure you're putting on the condom correctly. This may seem elementary, but if you're fumbling around in the dark, trying to fashion the condom properly in the heat of the moment, it could go on inside out or not be rolled down the shaft of the penis far enough.

If the fit and form are in order, and you're still experiencing slippage, the most likely culprit is prolonged friction after he's ejaculated. As soon as he orgasms, have him hold the base of the condom while you disengage. Sure, it's nice to have him remain inside you after the deed is done, but as his penis softens and shrinks, the condom can easily slip off, creating an unsafe scenario.

One final note: If you're finding the condom inside you, double check to make certain it's intact. If you find that it's torn, consult your doctor. Trust me, you do not want remnants of latex kicking around in your va-jay-jay.

Sheathed in Safety,
MM

Reality Check

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I'm writing because I just don't know what else to do. I have been with my boyfriend for a year, during which time he has cheated on me twice (that I know about). He claims that both times were just making out and nothing more, but I feel like an idiot for believing that. On the other hand, I truly love him and deeply care about him.

At this point, I have taken him back. I have a daughter and can't stand the thought of disrupting her life while I work this out. Please don't think I'm some stupid girl who allows men to walk all over her; I'm not. It's just that he seems so sincere when he tells me that he's trying to change his life. He has asked me to be understanding, and I am trying to be. I want to believe in him, to help him, but am I making a mistake?

Signed,
Shadows of Doubt

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Dear Shadows,

It's time for some tough love. Is it possible for your man to change and your relationship to heal from his indiscretions? Yes. Is it likely? No.

Because you cannot predict the future, you must base your next move on his pattern of behavior — and his track record is terrible. I'm sure he's making a great case for himself, coming up with all sorts of reasons why he strayed. But really, it's a simple concept: You don't cheat on someone you love. Period.
Furthermore, you need to think about how this relationship may be affecting your daughter. She sees her mother being hurt by a man, then sees her mother taking him back. Is this a trait you wish her to inherit? Perhaps you should ask yourself what type of advice you'd give your daughter should she wind up with a cheater one day.

The question now becomes: How much more time are you willing to invest in this relationship without a fruitful return? For your sake, and your daughter's, I hope you find your time too valuable to waste.

Tough Lovin’ It,
MM

Free Pass?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My girlfriend and I have been together for two years. She is much younger than me and has never been with anyone else. Lately, she has had doubts about our relationship, not because she doesn't care about me, but because she has never experienced anyone else sexually. She is fairly sure about her sexuality (we are women), but she has never explored. She really cares about me and doesn't want to break up, but this "problem" is nagging at her.

I love this woman with all my heart and want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I don't want this issue to hang over our heads. I was thinking that I should give her a couple of free passes to be with a man and a woman of her choosing. There would be rules, of course. This would not be at all easy for me, and I realize that the grass might be greener on the other side of the fence, but if I don't allow this, she will always wonder. Thoughts?

Signed,
Do I Love Her Enough?

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Dear D.I.L.H.E.,

Ever noticed how the number of people we've slept with can become so important when we're considering never having sex with anyone new again? In your girlfriend's case, you're right — her inexperience will likely always keep her looking to the other side of the fence for that greener pasture. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but if your girlfriend is already looking to play in the neighbor's yard, it's doubtful she'll remain faithful to you in the long term.

You have two choices: You can set some ground rules, give her two free passes and hope for the best. Or you can make a clean break and let her sow some oats. If I were you, I would opt for the latter. As I see it, it's heartbreak now or heartbreak later — your choice.

Hopping the fence,
MM

Cut to the Quick

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My wife and I have been married for a good long while now, and the sex is and has always been great. But lately it seems like my stamina ... well, that my stamina is not so great. I suppose, like any guy, there have always been times when I was a little quick to orgasm, but this is depressing. My wife hasn't mentioned it as a problem (we just improvise), but I feel like my body is robbing me of most of the fun.

What's a guy to do?

Signed,
Cut to the Quick

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Dear Quick,

Most men will experience periods of rapid ejaculation during their sexual lifetimes, so don't worry — you're not broken, and you will likely get your old groove back.

In the meantime, the key is not letting a few misfires spiral into more anxiety-ridden performance issues. You seem to be open to communicating about the issue and to have a supportive partner, so why not get her involved? When you're having intercourse and feel yourself about to climax, pull out and pay your partner some attention until your urge to release subsides. Repeat this exercise until you're both satisfied — it'll add excitement to your normal routine, and you will train your body to rebuild its stamina. You might also try wearing a condom to prolong your love making. Some men report that condoms specifically made for anal sex are thicker and more durable, reducing sensation just enough to make you last longer.

One final note: Stay away from desensitizing creams. They're made with anesthetic and can easily transfer to your wife's vulva. I'd rather run a fully pleasurable, all-natural sprint than a lackluster, artificially induced marathon.

Long-lasting love,
MM

Talking Points

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I've been with my lady for a year. We have things in common that I've had a hard time finding in other women, like a love for anime and endless hours spent playing video games. The sex is pretty good, too, so I feel like a lucky guy most of the time. However, we definitely have a communication problem. Like any couple, there are little things about one another that bug us, and we seem to not talk about them until they fester into big arguments. After a few huge explosions, we keep coming back to the same impasse: How can we be together if we can't talk?

For my part, I know I wait too long to talk about my issues with her, but when I do get around to it, she reacts with anger and shuts down. We agree that we need to work on this, but I feel like I'm the only one making strides. I don't want to lose her, but I don't like where we're headed. Help

Signed,

Communication Breakdown

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Dear C.B.,

Hats off to you for wanting to strengthen your communication skills and hang on to this rare breed of woman — not all of us like to spend our Saturday nights watching Japanese anime marathons. That said, if you're going to win this battle, you can't be the only one leading the charge. Are you sure your lady is willing to fight the good fight with you? If she's on the defense, you may be wasting your time — time you could be spending playing video games.

Have a talk with your girlfriend to determine whether you're on the same page; she must understand your communication issues and be willing to match your concerted efforts to improve. If you collectively decide to move forward, set aside one evening per week to have open dialogue about your relationship. Discuss both the challenges and successes of the week. Support each other while asking for what you each need. Sure, this may seem awkward at first, but you must retrain your brains to be open and honest with each other. Eventually, with enough practice, it will become second nature.

With open honesty,

MM

Deal Breaker?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I have been with my son's father for roughly three years. In the beginning, the sex was OK, but now it's nothing. He is not willing to try new things because he says I'm not a slut like that. Hello! I like kinky stuff! When he does decide to have sex, he initiates it after we're in bed sleeping. Plus, it's always the same routine.

If I try to take the reins, then I'm doing all the work and the sex still sucks! Yes, I have many times talked to him about this. I know he's sexually confident; that's not the issue. But, with strange things happening for some time now, such as him leaving for work at odd times and making excuses that don't add up, I'm wondering if there may be another woman. I even suggested therapy, but he's not willing to do that, either.

Signed,

Helpless

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Dear Helpless,

As with any other relationship issue, you have to decide whether your breakdown in the bedroom is a "deal breaker." If an unsatisfying sex life is something you simply can't live with — and who would want to? — you've got some work to do.

You may have talked about your intimacy woes in the past, but have you set up reasonable consequences for further inaction on his part? In a calm yet firm manner, explain to him that a healthy and fulfilling sex life is of utmost importance to you. And, as difficult as it may be for you to say and for him to hear, you must tell him that you are unsatisfied. Assure him that you're willing to work just as hard to fix these problems, but tell him he needs to meet you halfway.

Request that he start by initiating sex at a time of day that works for you, not once you've already fallen asleep. Further, ask that he not use any version of the word "slut" when referring to the sexual acts you'd like to try — it's demeaning and close-minded. Instead, ask him to consider a few scenarios you suggest and choose one to try. In return, find out what you can do to enhance his sexual experience.

While you're being honest, ask him about his inconsistencies. The only way you're going to clear the air about any indiscretions is to be direct and ask the tough questions. See how he reacts, and always trust your gut. If you don't trust him, you've got bigger issues…

xoxo,

MM

Sizeable Difference

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My girlfriend is a very sexual individual, and I am only happy to accommodate her every desire. However, she's recently taken to asking me to use sex toys on her that are on the larger side. I am a man on the smaller side of average and, no matter how illogical my brain knows it is, I can't help but think my member isn't satisfying her. I have also noticed that when I'm using my hands to please her, she wants more and more inside of her. I guess I knew she used larger toys on herself when I wasn't around, but I'm starting to take it personally that she's asking me to use them when we're together.

Mistress, what do you think?

Signed,

Worried

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Dear Worried,

You need to get over penile perturbation and focus on what really matters — your partner's sexual satisfaction. Do you have any idea how lucky you are to be with a woman who's not afraid to ask you for what she wants? Stop fretting over what's in your pants and focus on giving her the best damn orgasm she's ever had with that sex toy.

Popular culture would have us believe that penis size determines sexual prowess, but that's a bunch of garbage. AskMen.com recently reported on a study of 50,000 heterosexuals showing that 85 percent of women were satisfied with their partner's penis size, while only 55 percent of men were satisfied with their own. What does this tell us? It tells us most men are worrying for nothing. Besides, if heterosexual women were able to be satisfied only by large, inanimate objects, why would we even bother with you?

Remember, sexual skill and swagger trump penis size every time. Your girlfriend doesn't dislike your dick — she simply likes variety. Indulge her. Show her you're an open-minded guy who will stop at nothing to please her.

One size fits all,

MM

What are the odds?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Is there any hope for a man with lots of love to give who missed the first round of relationships? I find myself single in my late thirties, feeling like life is passing me by. I had my chances with women but let them go, hoping to find someone better. What are my odds of finding happiness in a town full of kids, hipsters, moderns and rich imports? Where do good-looking, single, professional women flock?

Signed,

Missed the Boat

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Dear M.t.B.,

While I can't guarantee that you'll find lasting love, I can guarantee that the type of woman you're looking for is attracted to positive thinkers with exuberance and passion for life — not a downtrodden dating disaster who looks down on half the people in town.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get ready to play the dating game. Even if it's out of your comfort zone, you must try online dating. In this day and age, all the single women are flocking online, not to the local watering hole. Make sure your profile shows your optimistic, witty and romantic sides — leave all the negative dating energy in the past. You might even enlist the help of a couple of trusted friends. Have them read your profile before posting it, and allow them to help choose photos that best capture you. While you're at it, tell your friends you're ready to find a partner, and see if they can set you up. Blind dates can be nervewracking, but they can also be your golden ticket.

When you meet someone who sparks your interest, stop looking around for someone "better." You owe it to her — and yourself — to explore the relationship.

XOXO,

MM

Hide And Seek

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I'm divorced after a 15-year relationship and have recently started dating again, thus I am a little vague on the rules.

I've met a few men through online personals. After a few nice dates with a guy, I'm not interested in meeting anyone else until I see what happens with the guy I'm seeing. At what point do I "temporarily hide" my profile? I don't want to prematurely and publicly declare myself off the market, especially because it might scare off the guy I'm dating.

However, keeping my profile active, I find myself ignoring other inquiries that could potentially be missed opportunities. I'm not into dating more than one guy at a time, so when do I hide my profile from public view? If the thing to do is leave my profile up, how do I politely respond to inquiries that come in while I'm dating someone else?

Thanks for the help,

Experienced at Life, Novice at Dating

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Dear Experienced Novice,

Sure, life would be easier if you could date one guy at a time — but you're dating online, where everyone is entertaining the idea of dating other people. With all the winking, profile creeping and emails, it's almost ridiculous to think you could focus your energies on just one courtship at a time. Anyway, why should you? It's possible to date one guy while emailing back and forth with another. In fact, it's probably prudent to do so. Dating is a crapshoot, and you're right — you don't want to miss opportunities.

Keep your profile public until you are in a secure, monogamous relationship (if that's what you're going for). Until then, you don't have to pursue other singles actively, but you can most certainly entertain the advances of other gentleman callers. If it makes you feel better, be honest with the other guys. Tell them you've been on a couple dates with someone else, and you're interested to see where it goes; however, in the meantime, you can get to know each other via email.

One more thing. You're just out of a 15-year relationship, so what's the rush? Instead of working on landing another long-term relationship, perhaps you should focus on meeting as many new people as possible, thereby creating options for yourself rather than limiting your choices.

Wink,

MM

All In For Anal

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I'm writing on behalf of me and my partner, as we need some assistance in the "back door" area, if you will.

I am a 34-year-old female without much anal sex experience. He is a 37-year-old male whose ex-girlfriend could apparently fit the Goodyear Blimp into her anus without so much as a drop of lube. I, on the other hand, am having a very hard time getting his penis into my ass and keeping it there. It just plain hurts! I've tried to "just relax," but that doesn't work. We get it pretty much all the way in, but it's more painful than pleasurable, so I ask him to take it out. Mistress, I want to have anal sex! What can we do to make it work?

Signed,

From Pain to Pleasure?

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Dear Pleasure,

I like a girl with good anal will and determination! Just remember, you're not a failure as a partner if anal isn't your thing, so be sure you're engaging only in sex acts that make you both feel good.

That said, if you're bent on taking it like a champ, I can offer these points of anal insight:

Lube: When engaging in any kind of anal penetration, always use lube to avoid injury. If you think you're using enough lube, add more for good measure — you can never have enough.

Preparing the way: The anus can be a very shy creature, puckering up if spooked. Don't go from having nothing in your ass to having the full girth of your guy's member. Foreplay with his fingers or a small toy will train your inner sphincter to relax.

Position: Positioning is key to relaxing enough to receive anal. Forget doggie-style or you being on top (way too tense); try lying in a spooning position with him entering you from the side. Or let him enter you from the good ol' missionary position where you can lie back and relax.

Gaining entry: When the time comes for insertion, take it slow. Don't allow him to enter you, pull all the way out and then enter you again (ouch!). Instead, allow him to enter you about an inch, then ask him to apply gentle pressure while you slide back onto him. Once he's in, remind him to be gentle — no slamming the back door (at least not until you're feeling more pleasure than pain).

Lubed and ready,

MM

Playing for the Other Team

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I just graduated and will be going to college on an athletic scholarship in the fall. I'm freaking out about meeting the other guys because I'm gay. In my sport, you're expected to be close with your teammates, and I just don't know how to handle it. Most people in my high school knew I was gay, but it really wasn't a huge deal, and we just didn't really talk about it. Without this scholarship, I would not be able to afford school, so I can't lose it. My parents are pressuring me a little to keep the gay thing under wraps for a while (even though they're mostly supportive). I know I’m lucky to be going to school in a liberal place like Vermont, but these guys will be coming from all over the country. What do you think?

Signed,

Co-Captain

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Dear Co-Captain,

No one should have to hide who they are, and you have every right to be yourself without fear of losing your scholarship. If anyone on the team is uncomfortable with your sexuality, it's their problem, not yours.

Attending college in Vermont, you'll be enjoying a highly supportive atmosphere where prejudice is generally not tolerated. That said, being part of a sports team is not unlike being part of a family, and we all know how complicated those relationships can be. Add locker-room culture to that mix, and it's understandable that you feel apprehensive about coming out.

As a rule, it's best to get to know people before disclosing too much intimate information, including sexual orientation. Spend some time with your teammates, seek out those with whom you feel most comfortable and start the coming-out process with them. Meanwhile, get involved with your school's LGBTQA group (that's Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning and Allies). You'll meet new friends and gain a network of support.

Team spirit,
MM

Bummed Out

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Just finished up my junior year of college and will be returning next semester, living with the same group of guys I roomed with this year. I’ve been chill with these guys since first-year orientation, and I thought I knew everything about them. However, a situation just occurred that I can’t get forget about.

On the last day of our lease, one of my housemates apparently thought we had all moved out, but I still had one load of stuff to take out. When I went back, I found him beating off in the living room. He thought he would be alone, so no big deal — but I know that I saw something in his butt. Is this a normal thing for men to do? Does this mean he’s gay? Because I don’t know any straight guys who let anything near their asses. I don't want it to be weird next semester.

Signed,
Exit Only

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Dear Exit Only,

Would you feel weird about being his roommate because you caught him masturbating, or because you think he’s gay? Either way, it’s time for you to grow up and see this situation for what it is: no big deal.

Sure, whacking off in a common area of the house is a no-no — but, like you said, he thought everyone had moved out. As far as the “something” in his butt is concerned, it doesn’t make him gay. In fact, the only thing it makes him is more sexually enlightened than you. The anus has thousands of sensitive nerve endings, plus it gives you access to your prostate. Many men, gay and straight alike, derive immense pleasure from anal stimulation with a tongue, finger or toy.

Walking in on your roommate getting busy with himself must have been a shock, but by the time next semester rolls around, it will most likely be a distant memory. If it turns out your roomie is gay, you shouldn’t allow it to have any bearing on your friendship — he’s still the same guy you’ve known for years.
Use this awkward experience to further your own sexual exploration. Before you go knocking anal pleasure, you might want to try it. Who knows, you might change your “Exit Only” sign to read “Entrance in Rear.”

Bum’s rush,
MM

Porn Panic

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year. He's 28, and I'm 20. Age aside, we have an amazing relationship and out-of-this-world sex! I was not snooping, but I was searching through the web history on the computer, and I came across some websites my boyfriend had visited. I am well aware that he watches porn every now and again, and I'm OK with it, but these were teen porn websites! The thought of it makes my stomach turn. Given our age difference, do you think it's creepy that he's watching this type of porn when he's nearly 30? Should I say something to him, or will he think I was snooping when I was absolutely not?!



Please help! I'm worried that when we have sex, I'll only be able to think about how he likes ’em young. I now feel the long-term potential for our relationship is gone...


Signed,
Anonymous

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Dear Anonymous,

For the sake of this conversation, let's assume you're referring to the "barely legal" variety of pornography featuring young-looking performers of legal age. (If you mean actual child pornography, report him to the police immediately.)



For better or worse, "barely legal" porn is among the most popular in our society. Our culture teaches men to lust over the virginal teenager, flush with budding sexuality — this goes for straight and gay men alike. So it's really not shocking that you found this popular porn genre on your boyfriend's computer. Furthermore, it's important to remember that most of us will never fulfill the fantasies we live out while watching porn — if we did, we'd all be doing gang bangs in Elizabethan costumes (or maybe that's just me).



Still, it's perfectly understandable that you have some concerns. It's time to have a chat with your boyfriend. Admit to looking through his computer's history. (He's going to think you were snooping, so just apologize and be done with it.) Let him know that you support his right to look at porn, but you'd like to be able to discuss the types of images he's interested in. Tell him that, given your age difference and his taste for teens, you want to be sure he views you as an equal partner in your relationship and not as a fetish object. If your relationship is strong and healthy, this conversation will only deepen your connection.


In all likelihood, your boyfriend is simply one of the millions of guys who get off to “barely legal” porn. But don't miss this opportunity to talk with your man and perhaps bring your relationship to a new level of honesty and intimacy.


Playing the ingenue,
MM

The Ex Factor

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Is there any acceptable way to ask one of my ex-wife’s friends out on a date, or is it just not OK? My wife and I separated and divorced about three years ago. The split was amicable, and her idea, if that matters. Although I have dated since, I have not found anyone as compelling as this friend. She and my ex are not close, but I have not called her because I didn’t think it was appropriate. I am asking for some help in understanding the female perspective on this situation, and what is the most respectful way to approach the conversation? She is a beautiful, intelligent person with a great sense of humor — should I make the call?

Signed,
The Ex Factor

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Dear Ex Factor,

If people in Vermont refused to ask out potential mates because of social crossover, we'd all be in forced celibacy. If you feel as strongly about this woman as you claim, you must make a move — otherwise, you'll be left with a lingering "What if...?"

You say your divorce was amicable. Have you considered giving your ex-wife a heads-up on your attraction to her acquaintance? While you certainly do not need your ex's permission to pursue your love interest (especially because the split was her idea), a courtesy forewarning could go a long way toward keeping the peace. Plus, if your new lady is apprehensive about what your ex may think, you can assure her you've already addressed the issue.

You mention calling your love interest, which is admirable in this technological age (wooing a mate over the phone is a lost art form). However, given the potential for discomfort, you might be better served by tracking down her email address. Express yourself in writing, letting her know you're aware of the sticky social situation you're putting her in. Also tell her how compelling you find her and that you could not let it go until you asked her out. At the very least, you'll be paying her a huge compliment — ex factor or not.

Exes and Ohs,
MM

All Ears

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I’m a 29-year-old woman, and I’m writing to you in hopes that you can make me feel better about a pattern that’s emerging with my boyfriend.

I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that I’m “experienced” and “open minded” when it comes to sex. The truth is, unlike other readers who write to you, I’m more traditional and like sex to be romantic and emotionally intimate. For the most part, my boyfriend shares my same values, although he is a bit more adventurous and likes to try new positions and activities.

Recently, he’s been emphatic that I kiss his earlobes when he’s close to orgasming. I can understand that kissing his earlobes must feel good, but he’s bordering on becoming insistent that my mouth be on his ear when he ejaculates. Is this weird? Would you classify this as a fetish?

Signed,
Earmarked

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Dear Earmarked,

Technically, a person fetishizes an object, not an action — so, no, your boyfriend’s interest in receiving ear stimulation is not classifiable as a fetish.

It’s not difficult to understand your beau’s ache for ear attention. At the very least, ears are closely tied to sexual arousal. When we’re turned on, our ears get hot and, on some of us, turn bright red — dead giveaway of arousal. Ears are also full of nerve endings, making them an intense erogenous zone for most of us. In all likelihood, your boyfriend experiences a heightened sexual arousal and release when your mouth is by his ear, kissing, moaning and breathing.

There’s nothing “weird” about giving pleasure to your partner, and one could easily argue that there’s nothing more “romantic” than listening to your partner’s needs and delivering. Think about it: He’s asking you to be close to him while he orgasms, stimulating him with touch, sound and scent — can you imagine anything more intimate?

Giving you an earful,
MM

Handle It

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I'm sure you get this one a lot, but what is a good way to stop the habit of masturbation? I have been told that it does no harm to the body and that it's fine to be doing it as much as I want. However, I would still like to stop for reasons of my own. Do you have any tricks to break the habit? I'm not religious, so no luck there, and I've tried all sorts of other ways. Could I get a little help here?

Signed,
Beat It

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Dear Beat It,

Actually, I don’t get this question a lot — and, frankly, I’m struggling to grasp why you’d want to deprive yourself of one of life’s greatest joys. As long as you’re not missing work or other obligations to jerk off, and as long as you’re not consistently choosing masturbation over having sex with a partner, there’s no reason to quit. In fact, getting off is a proven stress reliever for both men and women, and some studies point to masturbation as a means of keeping men’s prostates healthy.

So what’s with the angst? Are you afraid of getting caught? Did something awful happen to you in childhood that now makes whacking off emotionally destructive? If you have some deep-rooted issues about masturbation, I highly recommend seeing a therapist. Our bodies want to orgasm, and I’m afraid you’ll have a miserable existence if you live the rest of your days trying to avoid dates with Pamela Handerson.

Handling It,
MM

Weight-ing

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I grew up fat. Very, very fat. I didn’t date very much. When I did "date," I slept with the guy right away and never heard from him again. Eventually, I found a cool guy who was fine with just having a sexual relationship, and we’ve been having sex for about 10 years.

Now, I’ve lost all the weight and gained some self-esteem. I still see my sex buddy three to four times a month. The sex is AWESOME, but that’s all it is — sex.  We don't talk on the phone, hang out or run in the same group of friends. I date, but I have yet to meet anyone I’d leave my sex buddy for — so I end up sleeping with both my “dates” and my sex buddy (carefully, of course).

My problem now is that I am dating a very nice guy, and I like him. I want a boyfriend, and I think I could have something awesome with this guy. However, I don't know how (nor do I really want) to lose my sex buddy. I'm afraid to lose what I have — great sex and a special friend — for a chance at a real boyfriend.

Signed,
Weight-ing

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Dear Weight-ing,

You struck up a convenient relationship with your sex buddy when your self-esteem was at an all-time low. It sounds like you weren’t able to accept love when you were heavier, and your sex buddy offered you a way to be sexually satisfied without being emotionally vulnerable.

Now that you’ve lost the weight, it’s time to clean house. Just as you go through your closet and get rid of the clothes that are now too big, you must also toss out the habits and relationships that no longer fit.

You are hanging on to your sex buddy because you’re afraid to let go and accept that you are good enough to love and be loved. If you truly want a boyfriend, it’s time to say goodbye to a 10-year relationship that is holding you back. You’re physically skinny — now it’s time to slim down emotionally.

Big love,
MM

Thanks, but no thanks

Dear Mistress,

I have ads on a few different online dating sites, and I have a question about etiquette. If a guy sends me a “flirt” or a “wink,” and I’m not interested, am I obliged to send him a “No, thank you,” or can I just ignore him?

My guy friend, who is a seasoned online dater, tells me that it’s standard practice to send a polite note, but I hate awkwardness. (Hello! That’s why I’m meeting guys online and not in person!) Isn’t my silence enough of an indicator without sending them a cyber rejection?

Signed,
Wink This

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Dear Wink This,

While it might seem to rude to some, it’s perfectly fine to ignore a “flirt” or “wink.” It takes very little effort to send a virtual wink, so you shouldn’t feel obligated to expend energy on a rejection note. Even on sites that offer to send a polite “Thanks, but no thanks” for you with an easy click of the mouse, you’re not required.

On the other hand, if someone takes the time to write you a thoughtful note, you might consider a single-line response saying, “Thank you, but I don’t think we’re a match.” Most certainly, if you’ve exchanged a few messages back and forth before deciding you’re not interested, do not disappear into the Internet ether — send a polite explanation before moving on.

IMHO,
MM

Nuptials Nonsense

Dear Mistress Maeve,

This is maybe more of a “friend” question than a “relationship” question, but I would really appreciate hearing your point of view. I’m going to change names and scenarios so as not to piss some people off.
I have a friend (let’s call her “Amber”). Amber is getting married next January. They decided to have a destination wedding in Mexico at an all-inclusive resort, meaning that guests would need to pay for airfare and accommodations. All in all, this is probably going to cost most couples somewhere in the neighborhood of $3000.

I have no problem with destination weddings — hey, whatever you want to do. But here’s the problem: Amber swore up and down to her friends and family that she knew not everyone would be able to make the wedding, given the cost. However, when I told her I couldn’t spend the cash, she seemed totally miffed and has been giving me the cold shoulder ever since. When she began talking about the wedding, she would consult me on everything, and now she won’t discuss it at all. WTF?!

Please help. I can’t afford to go to this wedding, but I also can’t afford to lose my good friend.

Signed,
Something Blue

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Dear Blue,

For the couple looking to cut down on the stress and guest list of traditional nuptials, a destination wedding is a great choice; however, the couple-to-be must realize that not everyone is willing or able to celebrate with a weeklong vacation.

You have no control over Bridezilla’s cold shoulder routine. The best you can do is ask her out for coffee and have a chat. Check your annoyance at the door and tell her that you’re sincerely sorry you can’t make the wedding and that her friendship is important to you. To let her know you care, offer to help with wedding preplanning or the bachelorette party. Whether Amber softens and brings you back into the wedding fold is up to her, but you’ll sleep soundly knowing you took the high road while standing your ground.

If you want to keep it classy, have a wedding gift awaiting them at the resort — a gift certificate for dinner or a spa treatment should do the trick.

I do,
MM