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Seven Days Blogs: Mistress Maeve

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Straight-O Student

Dear Mistress,

I'm a twentysomething girl, and I've been with my boyfriend for a little less than a year. We're having some difficulties. Mainly, the problem is my inability to orgasm regularly. I really like being with him, and I know it disappoints him not to "please me." I have had orgasms with him, but it has only happened when I've "assisted" him. I guess I don't do it on a regular basis because it makes me feel self-conscious to touch myself in front of him.

He recently suggested that I try masturbating more on my own, thinking it might help me orgasm more with him. I'm upset by his suggestion because I feel like he's giving me homework to do in order to have sex with him. What do you think, MM? Am I overreacting? How do I fix this?

Touchy Subject


Dear Touchy Subject,

I recently had the pleasure of listening to Kelly Arbor, a sex educator from Babeland, give a talk on gender and sexual pleasure. During his talk, he suggested that we must spend time masturbating to learn how our bodies like to be touched. Arbor says expecting our partners to know how to touch us when we don't know how to touch ourselves is "a lot to put on someone." I have to agree.

Your boyfriend has made an excellent suggestion. The more comfortable you are with your body, the better you'll be able to coach him on giving you an orgasm. His "homework" isn't meant to penalize you; it's meant to help you and strengthen your relationship.

The even better news is, you already know how to have an orgasm with him. Touching yourself during sex with a partner is not weird — many people do it, and most partners find it hot to watch.

In the end, it's all about being intimate with your partner and sharing the ultimate of pleasures; exchanging "homework" assignments and discussing your bodies without fear will only create a stronger bond between you. So put on your schoolgirl uniform and crack the books.

Studiously yours,

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Kissed Off

Dear Mistress,

I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for a year. We are monogamous, and presumably most of our other lesbian friends are, too. However, when our group goes out on the town and the tequila shots start flowing, it generally turns into a no-holds-barred make-out fest. Our friends are all very flirty, and they view
French kissing as other people view handshakes — no big deal.

When my girlfriend and I first discussed our friends' loose lips, she was adamantly opposed to us making out with other people, saying it felt like cheating. I was sort of disappointed, because I think making out is harmless fun. So you can imagine my surprise when we were out last Saturday, and I turned around and saw her kissing a girl on her hockey team. At first I was excited and encouraged it, but then I got kind of pissed when we got home. Shouldn't we have talked about this again first?

Lip Locked


Dear Lip Locked,

You're right — if you and your girl previously decided not to participate in your friends' kissing circles, she should have initiated a talk with you before locking lips with her teammate.

However, you're now in a classic "don't cut your nose off to spite your face" situation. If you want to be able to slide lips with your friends on the dance floor, do not overreact to your partner's infraction. Approach her calmly and let her know how you're feeling about what happened. Explain to her that while you're willing — and even a little excited — to discuss kissing outside your relationship, you wish she had thought to run it by you beforehand.

If you decide to open your mouths to others, be sure to set parameters you're both comfortable with. Do both of you need to be present, or can this extracurricular kissing happen on a solo night out? Can you only make out with friends, or are strangers fair game? If jealousy issues come up, how will you deal with them?

And one more thing: Though kissing is relatively safe, it's not 100 percent benign. Be sure the girls you're smooching are worth the risks of mononucleosis, herpes and swine flu.

Kissed off,

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Roommates to Mates?

Dear Mistress,

I recently broke up with my boyfriend, and I have a dilemma. I've been roommates with Joe (not his real name) for a few months, and he's a great guy. Whenever we’re home, we laugh and talk a lot. We went to a friend’s party together and had a great time, but I can’t tell if he is interested in me. Considering my recent state of singleness, I'm hesitant to get involved with Joe, because I don’t want to transfer any residual feelings I have for my ex onto him.

To remove temptation, I set Joe up with a friend of mine. I’ve heard they are having fun, and now I am envious that my friend gets to enjoy Joe’s romantic interest. My questions are: Has roommate-turned-cuddle-buddy ever produced a noncomplex relationship that didn’t end badly? Should I have bit the bullet and told Joe about my interest in him and not introduced him to my friend? Can I still tell him, even though he’s gone on dates with my friend?

Awaiting your sage advice,
Close to Home


Dear Close to Home,

Does Joe know he's living in a post-breakup crazy house? You say you like him, yet you set him up with your friend. You say you're ready to start dating again, yet you're concerned about residual feelings for your ex. It's perfectly natural to act irrationally after a breakup — but you're bringing it a little too close to home.

I suspect you're crushing on your roommate to occupy your time and make you feel less lonely. Furthermore, you most likely set him up with your friend so you could go on crushing without having to make any moves. Let it go. Leave the drama alone and take the time you need to get over your boyfriend.

However, if your home fires continue to burn for Joe, you'll have to move out and then let your feelings be known. Trust me — "roommates-turned-cuddle-buddies" usually turn into "roommates-turned-enemies."

Room for Mates,

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Waiting Game

Dear Mistress,

I'm a guy. I like sex (perhaps even more than the average guy). So here's my question: While I can't envision being happy in a long-term relationship without a healthy diet of good sex, I've found that leaping into sexual activity too early in a relationship can — if the sex is really good — put one or both people into a state of blissful desire that can make everything seem exceptionally swell, even if other forms of compatibility may be lacking.

At the same time, dating too long without makin' some moves can have its own drawbacks — you might become very fond of someone, only to find out you're not cut out for bliss in bed.

I'm at a point in life where I want a lasting relationship, but I don't want to wait too long to have sex with a potential partner. Where's the happy medium?

First Date Mate


Dear Mate,

While it's important to know whether you're compatible when it comes to communication, values and goals, it's also important to know if you click in the bedroom. Couples "come together" there to reconnect in the most intimate of ways — and the chemistry has to exist.

That said, if you're looking for a lasting relationship, you would be wise to keep it in your pants for at least a few fact-finding dates. (Forget movies or loud bars where you can't get to know each other in a meaningful way.) If you're still craving her after a number of dates, you're cleared to move it to the bedroom — that is, if she's willing to go with you.

And just because you're not having sex doesn't mean you can't discover clues to your potential chemistry. Kissing, if given the chance, is an incredibly erotic and telling way to explore each other intimately without doing the deed. If your tongues are compatible, chances are your naughty bits will be, too.


Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Gaydar Malfunctions

Dear Mistress Maeve,

As you and your readers know, our planet is comprised of gay people, straight people and lots of people somewhere in between. As a gay man with a normal (or slightly elevated) sex drive, I often see guys to whom I am attracted — but without a nametag that reads, "Hi. I'm gay," I have no idea who falls into the category of my liking. Every time I see someone of interest, my confidence level flatlines, and I end up not approaching him. What's a guy to do when he spots someone who makes his engine roar?


Cyclically Excited and Frustrated



Dear Cyclically,

Flirting is a game of risk and chance — you have to be willing to experience rejection in the pursuit of scoring a date with a hottie who catches your eye. For gay men, flirting can be a still riskier business. Even now, with marriage equality enshrined in state law, violence against gay people remains a real threat, and you don't want to incite the rage of a gay-bashing idiot by asking him for his phone number.

That said, if you see a guy who "makes your engine roar" at the grocery store, there's no harm in asking him to help you select a ripe avocado. If you end up exchanging guacamole recipes, it's a pretty safe bet that you can also exchange email addresses. If he's not interested, he'll move on to the next aisle.

If you don't trust your gaydar in mixed company, volunteer for your favorite queer organization or attend art shows and performances featuring gay artists — you're sure to find a few flirting prospects in these places. You can also sign up for online dating — it's pretty tough to get your wires crossed when sexual orientation is printed clearly on the screen.

Happy flirting,




Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Touchy Subject

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I started seeing a guy a month ago, and I think the relationship has potential. We've had sex a few times now, and I have no complaints about the actual intercourse — he's energetic, long lasting and skilled. However, I've noticed something that's perplexing me. Aside from the intercourse, he doesn't touch me "down there." We do foreplay, but it's mostly about him. Luckily, I have no problem climaxing from intercourse, but I don't understand why he doesn't want to explore my body more.

 Like I said, we've only had sex a few times, and I keep thinking maybe he'll become more hands-on as we get comfortable with one another, but what if he doesn't? I'm hesitant to say anything because I also don't want him to touch me out of obligation. Your thoughts, Mistress?


Touchy Subject


Dear Touchy,

You're right — the more sex you have with your partner, the better you'll understand how to pleasure each other. Be that as it may, you shouldn't wait around hoping he'll magically figure out what makes you tick — it's time to communicate.

Sure, it's possible that your guy is selfish and only cares about his own needs; however, it's far more likely that he wants to satisfy you and simply doesn't know how. Let's face it: The female form is complicated, and it can intimidate some men — especially if he's never had a communicative female partner.

The next time you're in bed, seductively tell him what you'd like him to do. If you're not a big talker, guide his hands to the right spot and encourage him with verbal and physical cues. If he's worthy of your attention, he'll happily oblige — if he balks, it's time for him to take a walk.



Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Friend Foible?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

When a good friend of mine moved out of town recently, she left behind a great guy. They had only just begun dating when she had to move suddenly, and I guess they ended it, because I haven't heard her talk about him since.

I ran into the guy the other night at a show, and we flirted and chatted off and on all night. I was overcome by a sense of guilt toward the end of the night, so I left without saying goodbye. I'm not sure where my friend left things with him, and I don't want to upset her. He just sent me a friend request on Facebook, and I'm not sure what to do. He's cute and nice, and I am totally attracted to him, but what do I do about my friend who now lives five states away?




Dear Torn,

Dating a friend's ex is a difficult situation that requires extreme care, even if they only dated for a little while and she now lives five states away. First, determine whether or not there's potential for a real relationship with this guy. Thus far, you only flirted at a show, and you do not want to mess up your friendship over a would-be hookup.

If you genuinely want to pursue something with this guy, talk with your friend (preferably before she sees that you've become buddies on Facebook). Let her know something may be on the horizon with her ex, but that her friendship is also valuable to you. Remember, you're not asking her for permission to date him, but you are trying to show her respect by filling her in before anything happens.

Last, be ready for your friendship to change. No matter how thoughtful you are during this process, your friend will most likely feel uncomfortable and may pull away. In this case, it's not her physical distance from her ex but her emotional distance that will determine the outcome for your friendship.

Good luck,



Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Cock Block

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I'm a 28-year-old lesbian with a quandary about dicks — fake ones, that is. My girlfriend and I want to purchase a strap-on dildo (for me to wear and her to receive), but we've come upon a stumbling cock, er ... stumbling block. I would prefer a realistic-looking dildo ... My girlfriend prefers sparkly dildos in all shades of purple.

She says that if she wanted to have sex with a lifelike penis, she'd have sex with a man. I think it's hot to mess around with gender roles, plus, I don't see anything sexy about romping around with a big purple member.  How do we get over this hurdle and get to the fun stuff?



Dick Tracy


Dear Dick Tracy, 

For me, the transcendence of traditional gender roles is inherently erotic; therefore, the idea of a biological female strapping on a realistic dildo is totally hot. Unlike your girlfriend, I don't see it as a substitute for having sex with a "real man." I see it as a way to turn up your nose at society's binary gender system and have some fun in the process.

That said, why are you so "rigid" when it comes to your cock? I've had plenty of fun with lifelike dildos — but I've also had some memorable times with strap-ons shaped like dolphins or spaceships and even one molded to look like Barack Obama (appropriately nicknamed "Commander-In-Chief"). Of course, if you're having some gender identity issues, explore those feelings — your desire for a dick could go deeper than your strap-on.

My advice to both of you is to lighten up. Don't get too attached to one type of sex toy or one way of having sex. If you remain open-minded about dildos, gender roles and pleasure, you'll have a much more rewarding sex life. Buy two dildos — one realistic and one playful — then pledge to explore with both. The couple that plays together stays together. 





Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Express Yourself

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My boyfriend of 2.5 years moved in with me a couple months ago. Things are going really well, and he makes me happy. I know I love and care deeply for him, but I am somehow convinced we are not in love when I see other couples who express more verbal affection towards one another. He rarely tells me he loves me (unless we are making love), and we don't have any of that cliché romantic stuff in our relationship. I am torn because I feel like if I end it, I am throwing away a great relationship with potential for a future; however, I'm not being fulfilled in certain ways, and I'm longing for more.

Confused And Heavy Hearted


Dear C.A.H.H.,

For the most part, it sounds like you're happy in your relationship and can see a future with this guy. The issues you're having with how your guy expresses his love for you are not uncommon and may be resolvable with an honest conversation and some practice. Have a talk with your man about how you're feeling. Ask him how he expresses love — you may find that, instead of saying "I love you," he shows you he loves you by warming up your car in the winter or rubbing your feet after a long day. At the same time, don't be afraid to tell him how you prefer to be shown love. Let him know you'd like to hear those three little words more often. If he cares about you, he'll try to oblige.

When your relationship goes through major transitions — like moving in together — it's only natural for your fears and reservations to rise to the surface. Just remember, people express love in a multitude of ways, and it's not always with a dozen long-stemmed red roses. Too often, those "other couples" you reference are overcompensating for deeper problems with that "cliché romantic stuff."


Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Seeing Red

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I've been away from my boyfriend all summer, doing an internship abroad. I'm getting ready to return home, and then both of us will go back to college in different cities. I have a week to spend with him before we're apart again for another month, and I'm realizing that I'll be on my period for the time we're spending together! Needless to say, having my period when we could be having sex sucks. Being in a long-distance relationship has been difficult on us, and I'm worried what will happen if we can't be intimate. I'm wondering if there's any way to safely skip a cycle by messing with my birth control pills?

Seeing Red


Dear Seeing Red,

You should never go “messing with” your birth control pills without consulting your doctor. Give your health care provider a call and explain your situation. Nowadays, your doc can prescribe birth control pills such as Seasonale and Seasonique that allow you to have only four periods per year. You can even get Lybrel — a pill that gives you just one annual period.

The side effects of these extended-cycle pills are basically the same as those of regular oral contraceptives. Still, some women and their health care providers are uncomfortable with radically altering the natural flow of things. If you're reluctant to say goodbye to your monthly visitor, you can ask your doc about pills that shorten the length of your period by up to three days.

Chances are, your health care provider will be able to help you in time to make your homecoming a memorable one. However, if you end up menstruating, don't fret. Just tell your boyfriend you're ready for a threesome — with you, him and Aunt Flo.


Thursday, July 30, 2009

Too Much Of A Good Thing

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I have the most annoying problem. If I have "too much" sex, I get a whopping yeast infection. Last weekend, my boyfriend and I had sex on Friday and again on Saturday, and I ended up with a yeast infection. Now I have to go through a week's worth of inserting cream-based medication into my itchy and uncomfortable vagina. It's a bummer for my boyfriend and me; it pretty much kills our sex life. How do I prevent this from happening? Is there anything I can do to speed up the recovery process? I've heard women say that a clove of garlic in the vagina clears up the infection. Does that really work?

Too Much of a Good Thing


Dear T.M.O.A.G.T.,

Yeast infections occur when the good bacteria in your vagina are knocked out of balance for any number of reasons, which could include taking bacteria-killing antibiotics and wearing tight spandex pants. Unfortunately, having "too much" sex can also upset your vagina's delicate balance. 

Talk to your physician about your persistent issues to be sure you're really dealing with yeast and not another form of infection. Your doctor may be able to prescribe you a one-dose medication in pill form to get you away from those messy creams. Also, he or she may suggest some helpful tips for keeping yeast at bay — such as taking an acidophilus supplement, wearing cotton panties or eating yogurt. As for the garlic, it's an old wives' tale that some women swear by for clearing up yeast. However, we're trying to make a healthy vagina here, not a lasagna, so talk to your doctor.

And remember, it is possible for you and your partner to pass yeast back and forth, so lay off the sex until you've completed treatment. Or, if you just can't keep your hands off each other, at least use condoms and dental dams.

Yours in yeast,

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Ex Hex

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My new boyfriend's brother and his wife are having their first baby, and they're hosting a "Jack and Jill" shower (meaning both men and women are invited to celebrate the pregnancy). Here's the catch — the brother's wife is still close with my boyfriend's ex, and she's also invited to the shower. They were together for five years and practically married. The biggest issue is that the ex is still not quite over the break-up. She still texts and emails my boyfriend, talking about getting back together. It's assumed that I will attend the shower, but I'm worried I'll be the odd man out because she's been around this group of people five years longer than I have. What do you think?

Wall Flower at the Shower


Dear W. F. a. t. S.,

First things first — it's time for your beau to set some strong boundaries with his ex. If he hasn't already, he needs to tell her that he's happy in a new relationship, there's no chance of getting back together, and she needs to stop contacting him until she's over it — plain and simple.

Go to the shower, eat hors d'oeuvres and play those asinine baby games — all with a pleasant smile on your face. She is his past; you are his future — and the sooner everyone sees that, the better. It may be awkward for you (and everyone else), but you're risking further alienation by not attending this important family event.

Tell your boyfriend ahead of time how you're feeling and ask him to be especially attentive to your needs at the shower. Mentally prepare yourself to be calm, cool and collected — and don't be afraid to excuse yourself from shower festivities to take a break if you need to.

Oh, and be sure to bring a better gift than her.


Wednesday, July 15, 2009


Dear Mistress Maeve,

My doctor just put me on medication for an ongoing medical condition, and it seems to be working great. The only problem is, one of the side effects is vaginal dryness. I've had sex with my boyfriend a few times since going on the meds. We still use condoms, and at first it seemed like the lubricant on the condom was enough, but it disappeared after a while, making it uncomfortable, difficult and somewhat embarrassing for me to keep going.

I think the next logical step is trying a personal lubricant, but there are so many to choose from. I'm hoping you can give some recommendations?

High and Dry


Dear High and Dry,

First and foremost, forget about being embarrassed. Vaginal dryness is a common problem that can be caused by certain medications or by fluctuating hormones due to childbirth or menopause. Luckily, personal lubricants are easier than ever to obtain, with most drugstores carrying a host of brands. Plus, introducing lube into your love making doesn't have to be clinical; it can be fun — the slipperier, the better!

Lubes fall into three categories: water-based, silicone-based and oil-based. For your first trek down the slip-’n’-slide, try a water-based lube that does not contain glycerin or sugars. (Flavored lubes are fun, but often contain these yeast-inducing ingredients.) Water-based lubes will not break down the latex in condoms, and they're easy to clean up with simple soap and water. 

Silicone lubricants work with contraceptives and are longer lasting, but can stain sheets and other fabrics. Also, using silicone-based lube with silicone sex toys will cause the material to degrade. Oil-based lubes are great but shouldn't be used with contraceptives, as they will break down the latex and render them less effective — and they tend to be more irritating to the female anatomy.

Above all, have fun trying lube! Experiment with a few different kinds, and eventually you'll find the formula that's right for you.

Slippery when wet,

Friday, July 10, 2009

No muss, no fuss

Dear MM:
My friend browses Internet porn, and he recently commented on the amount of anal sex online. He says things (including dicks, of course) inserted anally always come out sparkling clean! Do they use enemas or something before turning the camera on? He’s just curious and said you would know . . .



Dear Anonymous,

Well, I'm so glad your friend thinks I'm the authority on enemas — that's a compliment.

While I can't say for sure whether or not the adult actors in question used enemas, it's a pretty good bet. To get ready for those intimate close-up shots, some actors will use an enema of lukewarm water beforehand (as opposed to that chemical stuff they package with one-time use enemas — if used too much, those chemicals can cause damage to the system).

For us regular folk, enemas are a bit extreme. I mean, come on, it's anal sex — you can't expect a squeaky clean ass every time. If you can't get over your fear of shit, you probably shouldn't be using the backdoor entrance, know what I'm saying?

As long as the receiver has a bowel movement and takes care to clean the area with soap and water beforehand (even gently inserting a soapy finger inside), you're pretty much in the clear. The giver should wear a condom with an ample amount of water-based lube — it will make insertion easier and keep things tidier (not to mention safer). Also, keep box of baby wipes nearby for those unforeseen messes — they come in handy for all sorts of things.

Happy Friday,

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Ring Toss

Dear MM:

I am a divorced middle-aged woman who is happily involved with a passionate man. He has been separated from his second wife for well over a year, and the divorce settlement is almost complete. She has relocated out of state and he resides in Vermont. We have been together for more than six months.

I am writing to you because I am troubled that he still wears a wedding ring. I have mentioned it to him on many occasions, and he says he will remove it but never does. I know he is over the relationship and is very happy with me, but I still feel a bit like I am "on the side." I have my own thoughts but want to hear your take on the situation. He says he wears it as a reminder of his failure — I don't buy it.



Dear Symbolic,

Usually women write me about men who have trouble keeping their rings on, not men who refuse to take them off. One thing's for sure — something's amiss, and I don't like it.

You have either a guy who isn't ready to move on from his marriage, or — worst-case scenario — one who’s still married. Not to be overly pessimistic, but have you seen the divorce papers? Have you met this supposed ex? Are you sure you’re not getting played?

Or let's say he's telling the truth about wearing the ring as a reminder of his failure. That's a major red flag that he has some serious guilt issues to work through before jumping into a long-term romance with you.

He might not be married any longer, but as long as he's wearing that ring, he's not emotionally divorced. The bottom line is that until he takes that ring off, he's not ready to give you the kind of relationship you're looking for.

Dead ringer,

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The Roommate's Mate

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My roommate's boyfriend is a total jerk. Because he lives with his parents, he's constantly at our apartment, eating our food, watching MY television and generally being a slob. My roommate is a grad student, and he even hangs around while she's at class. Last week, I came home to toenail clippings on the coffee table — that was the final straw.

He is nowhere near good enough for my roommate, and his constant presence in our home is driving a wedge between her and me. How can I tell her to ditch the freeloader?

Raging Roomie


Dear Roomie,

Toenail clippings? That's just gross.

Unfortunately, you cannot tell your roommate to "ditch the freeloader." While you may think he's the spawn of Satan, your roommate likes him, and badmouthing him will only make you look like the bad guy. If he really is as awful as you claim, she'll figure it out eventually — and it's important that she learn from her own mistakes.

In the meantime, you can draw some clear boundaries at home. Talk to your roommate face to face (no passive-aggressive notes or off-handed comments). Tell her you like living with her, but you have some concerns about her boyfriend. Outline specific behaviors that bother you and ask her please to address them with him.

You should also set some ground rules that both of you will adhere to going forward. Decide how many nights per week a significant other can stay over without having to chip in for utilities and food. Talk about when it's acceptable for a significant other to be in the apartment alone and whether it's OK for significant others and friends to have keys.

You're in for a potentially uncomfortable conversation — but you'll feel better once you've hashed it out.

Roommate-less for good reason,

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Oldies But Goodies?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Thirty-one-year-old male here with a bit of a problem. My girlfriend recently told me that she would like to be tied up — nothing extreme, just some innocent fun. This, of course, made me unbelievably turned on, and I admitted to her that I had some under-the-mattress restraints that I had purchased with a former girlfriend. My girlfriend got instantly steamed and told me that it was insulting to think she would use the same "sex toys" as another woman. I told her that I didn't think of restraints as "sex toys" and that we had only used them a few times (mostly on me). She was still offended. I just don't see the point in spending another $50 on new restraints when these are not "contaminated." What do you think, MM?

Bound and Determined


Dear B and D,

I'd like to tie you up and smack some sense into you. Do you have any idea how lucky you are to have a sexually adventurous girlfriend who is willing to leave vanilla behind and try some new flavors? Stop tying this stubborn knot and start tying up your girlfriend!

While I agree with you that restraints are less intimate than, say, dildos and butt plugs, your girlfriend still sees them as "contaminated" with emotional residue from your past relationship. Respect her feelings and get rid of the old shackles. And who says you need to spend $50? Sure, under-the-bed restraints are great, but neckties and scarves do just fine.

Believe me, if you continue to be as stubborn as a mule about this issue, you're only going to come off looking like an ass.


Thursday, May 28, 2009

Sexy Scenes

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Last month, my wife and I had some of the best sex we'd ever had after watching 9 1/2 Weeks with Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger. I want to keep this streak going! Mistress, can you recommend a few other movie titles that will keep my home theater burning?

Movie Man


Dear Movie Man,

Forget this summer's blockbusters — rent these top five scorching titles and keep your popcorn poppin' at home:

5. A History of Violence (2005)

Viggo Mortensen and Maria Bello channel their family's drama into outrageously hot sex on the staircase, leaving Bello's character with some stellar "stair burn." This somewhat violent scene happens shortly after a more innocent romp where Bello dons a high school cheerleading uniform.

4. Coming Home (1978)

Jane Fonda and Jon Voight both won Oscars for their performances in this drama about a married woman who falls for a paraplegic Vietnam vet. When Voight's character cannot perform intercourse, he satisfies Fonda's character orally — a very steamy and emotionally convincing scene.

3. Brokeback Mountain (2005)
I don't care which orientation you are — watching Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal play cowboys who confess their love and lust for each other is damn sexy. When they finally give in, Jack (Gyllenhaal) makes a pass at Ennis (Ledger) while the two are huddled together in a tent for warmth. Ennis' initial anger quickly turns into powerful, urgent love-making.

2. In the Cut (2003)
While I'm pretty sure this sexually charged thriller didn't win any Oscars, Meg Ryan and Mark Ruffalo steam up the screen. If you're looking to introduce dirty talk into your bedroom repertoire, you won't want to miss their naughty phone sex. Let's just say Ruffalo can call me anytime.

1. Secretary (2002)
Another Gyllenhaal tops my list with this quirky film about a woman (Maggie Gyllenhaal) who takes a job as a secretary for a hard-to-please lawyer (James Spader). Eventually, Spader's character gives in to his innermost sadomasochistic desires, and an all-too-eager Gyllenhaal is happy to bend over and oblige.
It was truly difficult to pick just five! Deserving honorable mentions are Shortbus, Bound, Wild Things and Basic Instinct (not for the infamous Sharon Stone crotch shot, but for the yummy scene between Michael Douglas and Jeanne Tripplehorn).

Happy viewing,

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Take Note

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Last night I went for a beer with a young lady from my weekly singing class. She seems pretty cool, and she dropped some hints that she might like to hang out again. (She said she was "ready for a relationship" and that she was new to town and looking for friends.) The problem is, I only see her once a week, and I failed to get her phone number! I know where she works ('cause she told me, down to the street name), but I'd feel a little weird looking up the number, calling and being like, "Um, hi, this is the guy from singing class."

My thoughts on the matter are, on the one hand, I should just call her and see what happens — because, really, what have I got to lose? But on the other hand, if I call and it freaks her out, my impatience will ruin what might be a nice little thing if I can only wait a week and see her again.

The Soloist


Dear Soloist,

If you're looking to adapt your solo number into a duet, wait until your next class to ask her out. If you track her down like some desperate conductor without a chorus, not only do you run the risk of blowing your chances with her, but you could also make her feel uncomfortable in class — and that's unfair to her.

Let's put this into perspective: You had a great time with a charming chanteuse who hinted that she'd like to see you again. You hit a flat note by not getting her digits, but you have a chance to redeem yourself next week. Approach her after class and see if she'd like to grab another beer. If all goes well, ask her for her phone number so you can invite her for a proper date.

And, whatever you do, please don't mention "making beautiful music together" — leave the puns to the professionals.

Hitting a high note,

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

About Face

Dear MM,

This past weekend I met a guy out at a bar, and he asked me for my number. I liked him enough, so I gave him the digits. It’s been a few days and no call, but I just logged into my Facebook account, and what do I find? A friend request from bar guy. WTF?

I’m not one of these social networking freaks who needs to have 500 random “friends” looking at pictures of my daughter and family, not to mention the email addresses and work information I have on Facebook — it’s pretty personal stuff.

I do want to go out with him, but isn’t he jumping the gun? Dating is fun because you find things out about a person at a reasonable pace — not in one click. Isn't he putting the “friend request” before the “friendship"?

Face Off


Dear Face Off,

It drives me crazy when people commit acts of poor communication etiquette. It's really very simple — if a girl gives you her email address, email her. If she gives you her phone number, call her. If she says, "Look me up on Facebook," send her a friend request. How difficult is that?

However, just because he committed a dating faux pas doesn't mean he's a bad guy. This guy is excited to get to know you better and, like millions of people, thinks Facebook is a socially acceptable route to friendship. If you like him, accept his friend request. Once you've accepted him, you can go into your privacy settings and give him "limited access" to your profile — this will allow you to dictate the parts of it he gets to view.

One last thing: If you don't like the idea of people having access to your family photos, work information and email addresses, DON'T POST THEM ONLINE. Being able to accept or deny friend requests gives us a false sense of security. But if it's online, it's findable.


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