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Seven Days Blogs: Mistress Maeve

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Shattered Heart

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Recently, I was dumped by the woman of my dreams. She made me reconsider ideas I had previously rejected, namely marriage and kids. Considering all these new possibilities, I experienced a mental switch so dramatic that I never considered it could end.

When she ended it, she said I was good and did nothing wrong — that it was all her, not me. But, I can’t help asking, “What could have I done to make it better?” I find it hard to believe that, if I did everything right, I don’t deserve the chance to be with her. I suffer every day with this loss. It has been a few weeks, and I don’t feel better. How will I get over this?

Shattered Heart

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Dear S.H.,

What could you have done to make it better? Absolutely nothing.

I'm sorry to break it to you, but the whole "It's not you, it's me" explanation is nothing more than a polite way of saying, "I'm just not that into you." If she felt you were right for her, nothing would stop her from being with you — but that's not the case. She's moving on, and it's time for you to do the same.

I know you're going through a difficult time, but you have to focus on the positive. A good friend likes to remind me that people come into our lives for "a season, a reason or a lifetime — and they're all important." No matter how brief the encounter, we can learn valuable lessons from every person we meet. This woman came into your life and expanded your horizons, allowing you to entertain the idea of marriage and children — this knowledge will only make you a better partner down the road. I know it's difficult for you to see now, but you will be a stronger, more complete person because of this failed relationship.  

Hang in there,
MM

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Keep It Clean

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I recently had a horribly embarrassing experience with anal sex. I'll spare you the gory details — let's just say, if cleanliness is next to godliness, I was dancing with the devil.
I know anal sex can get messy, but you must have some tips for avoiding unwelcome messes?

Signed,
Mrs. Clean

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Dear Mrs. Clean,

If you're going to do anal, you have to be prepared to get your hands dirty — but perhaps not literally.
Before anal play, have a bowel movement. Feces collect in the colon and only enter the rectum shortly before you feel the urge to go; so, as long as you have a movement before sex, you’re most likely in the clear. For added cleanliness, take a shower and gently insert a soapy finger into your rectum and rinse completely — I suggest using a mild, organic soap on your most delicate of parts.

A good BM and a shower should do the trick, but if you still have that not-so-fresh feeling, you can opt for an enema of lukewarm water. If you're looking for something less invasive, try a few squirts of warm water from an ear syringe to clear the way.

And, as always, keep a container of baby wipes by the bed for those unwelcome messes, because you know what they say — "it" happens.

Squeaky clean,
MM


Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Are you serial?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I recently heard the term "serial monogamist" from a friend who used it to describe the guy who dumped me a few weeks ago. We'd been dating for a couple months, taking it slow and getting along fantastically — until he suddenly "met someone" and insisted that we were, the whole time, "just friends." I've asked a number of people, Mistress, and even my therapist agrees that we were dating. He's rearranged the facts of the story to create his own version of the truth. From what I know about him and his past relationships, and from what I've read about serial monogamy, it certainly seems to fit his behavior. As hurt and angry as I am, though, I'm left wondering if he's capable of opening his eyes long enough to realize that he's thrown away a fantastic opportunity. Is there hope for a serial monogamist, or will all of his relationships be doomed to failure?

Thanks,
Didn't Deserve This

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Dear Didn't,

The Dartmouth Free Press published an interesting article in 2005 claiming that serial monogamy — the act of jumping from one relationship to the next, staying single as briefly as possible — has become the most popular dating trend of our time. The article suggests that serial monogamy is the most socially acceptable mode of dating, a happy medium between polyamory (having multiple partners at once) and the lifelong monogamy expected by previous generations.

Ironically, serial monogamy breeds both a fear of a commitment and a fear of being alone — a Catch-22 that your guy could be experiencing. But, honestly, if he's not willing to admit you were even dating, why waste your time trying to analyze his behavior? If his fear of commitment is beyond his control, it is most certainly beyond yours. No, you didn't deserve this. But it's time to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and take this as a lesson learned: Open the lines of communication early — if you believe you're "dating," let it be known.

Serially yours,
MM

 

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Hit the Lights

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Even though I know all of us women are supposed to love our bodies and not care what society says, I can’t help but feel self-conscious. I don’t think I’m any more or less self-conscious than most of my female friends, but I just can’t seem to get over my fear of being naked in front of the men I date. I’ve been single and dating for a couple years, and when it comes to getting intimate, I always insist upon turning out the lights. Having sex in utter darkness is just ridiculous, yet I can’t seem to get over it. I can tell it disappoints my partners, and I want to change. Do you have any tips for how I can be more confident with my body?

Thanks,
Doing It Dark

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Dear D.I.D,

Unless you’re some type of superhero, impervious to the powers of the media and its constant barrage of images of the unattainable female form, feeling self-conscious is a normal occurrence.  But you have to remember — if a guy is in bed with you, he’s already decided you’re attractive, and a little cellulite here or a jiggle there isn’t going to change his mind. Besides, if you don’t care that he’s not a perfect cross between Brad Pitt and Vin Diesel, what makes you think he’s judging you so harshly? The reality is that his judgments aren’t casting you into the darkness; your own self-critique is.

You don’t need to lose weight or get plastic surgery to step into the light. Instead, focus on valuing your body the way it is — try yoga, meditation or even therapy to get centered. The closer you get to yourself, the more apt you are to allow others closer to you.

In the meantime, try some soft candlelight — it’s alluring and extremely forgiving. If you want something a little brighter, why not invest in some sexy lingerie? Believe me, a well-fitting corset draws his eye to your assets while hiding a multitude of sins.

Lighting up your life,
MM




Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Kissing Colleagues

Dear Mistress Maeve,

A guy I've been out on a couple dates with wants to apply for a job at the company I work for, and I'm nervous about it. It's a great job, and he'd be a great candidate, but I like this guy, and I've always been taught that business and pleasure don't mix. It's not like I work for a large corporation with different departments — we'd be working in cubicles within earshot of one another.

I love my job and don't want anything to get in the way of my success. Should I discourage him from applying, even though I know he won't find another opportunity like this in our current economy? If he gets the job, do we have to stop seeing one another?

Signed,
Company Woman

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Dear C.W.,

You're right to be wary. But did you know that a staggering 40 percent of Americans find partners in the cubicle maze, according to DiscoveryHealth.com? With all the time we spend at the office, it's no surprise so many of us end up dating coworkers.

If you like this guy and feel he's a good candidate for the position, don't discourage him from applying — you'll only be doing him and the company a disservice. Besides, if he applies anyway and doesn’t get hired, you’ll have caused a rift for no reason.

Encourage him to apply and be supportive. If he gets the job, have an honest talk with him about your worries. To continue seeing each other, you’ll need to draw some strict boundaries. For instance, absolutely no public displays of affection at the office (or in the parking lot during lunch). And you should limit the number of people in the office who know about your relationship — at least until you decide you're seriously committed.

Don't forget to have a look at your company handbook. While most companies now tolerate intraoffice romances, you don't want his "stimulus package" to leave you both unemployed.

Workin' it,
MM





Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Survey Shock

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I was absolutely appalled to learn from the Seven Days Sex Survey that at least one in every three women believes that penis size is important. I have a small penis and have been concerned about it most of my life. Thankfully I'm now in a relationship with a woman who doesn't care about such things — because if I were single and dating, I'd be panicked.

To know that we are being judged, and possibly rejected, for something we don't have any control over is really difficult to bear. When I was growing up, women were upset by men making fun of small breasts. Do two wrongs make a right?

Unless you're a man with a small penis, you couldn't possibly know how this feels — it's horrible, embarrassing, painful and scary. So, to the one-third of you women out there who think it's fun to judge penis size: You're hurting people.

Signed,
Distressed

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Dear Distressed,

First of all, while the Seven Days Sex Survey is sultry, it's certainly not scientific — so take it with a grain of salt.

You also have to consider how the question was phrased. Seven Days asked whether penis size is a factor in sexual satisfaction. Anything can be a "factor" in love making, from kissing style to body hair — but these things generally aren't deal breakers in romance or in overall erotic satisfaction.

Sure, some women are "size queens" and won't be satisfied without a monster penis — just as some men are only satisfied with a set of double Ds. Just remember, the vast majority of fish in the sea agree: It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean. If you listen to your partner and give her what she wants, you're likely to create a tsunami of pleasure, small craft or not.

Sizably,
MM


Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Take Your Licks

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I’m a guy who could use a little help in the oral department — giving, that is. I haven't gone down on too many women, so my confidence level is rather low. (I've never brought a woman to orgasm with my tongue.) I want to please my partner, and I would appreciate any tips you could give me. I think a lot of guys would be interested in hearing what you have to say on the topic.

Thanks,
Tongue Tied

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Dear Tongue Tied,

Vaginas are like fingerprints — no two are alike. Hence, I cannot give you a start-to-finish list of instructions guaranteed to bring your partner to orgasm. I can, however, impart a few tips that most women will appreciate:

1. Ease in.
Generally speaking, consistent clitoral stimulation will bring her to orgasm, but don't go for the gusto right away. Take your time getting acquainted with her thighs and work your way in. Use a flattened tongue to stimulate the entire vulva before going in for more deliberate circular motions on the clitoris.

2. Get into it.
Show your partner you're enjoying yourself by using not only your tongue to please her, but also your lips, nose and face. Just don't get too crazy; women tend to orgasm once a good rhythm is established — switching up the pace mid-race will not get her over the finish line.

3. Give her a hand.
If you can walk and chew gum at the same time, so to speak, I highly recommend using your fingers along with the tongue action— a sure-fire way to put most women over the edge.

Above all else, communicate with your partner. Encourage her to tell you what she likes, then do your best to deliver. Also, look for her non-verbal cues. If she's raising her hips to meet your tongue, moaning, and clutching at the back of your head, you're doing something right.

Taking your licks,
MM




Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Over Oral?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Recently I have noticed a startling trend in my hook-ups — blow jobs seem to have gone out of style.

I am more than willing to give — even if I don't receive — but guys are turning down my offers. I don't have a snaggle-tooth, and my oral skills have gotten rave reviews in the past. I am completely baffled by this turn of events. Is there some "giving head is uncool" sex memo that I missed? If so, I would like to object. I don't have a penis, so I enjoy becoming orally acquainted with them.

Perhaps I just attract men with a fear of oral satisfaction? Do you have any insights?

Signed,
Orally Censored

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Dear Orally Censored,

Blow jobs are the "little black dress" of sex— they never go out of style. A vast majority of men enjoy receiving oral, making your run-ins with these naysayers nothing more than unfortunate coincidence.

Popular culture would have us believe that giving blow jobs is akin to scrubbing toilets and mopping floors — nothing but a "chore" for the poor women who have to perform them. Perhaps these guys were trying to be considerate and save you from your "womanly duties." What some guys don't realize is that some of us gals get seriously turned on by going downtown.

Here's a memo for you: Communication is hot, so speak up. If giving him a hummer really revs your engine, tell him. I guarantee you'll be humming a tune in no time.

xoxo,
MM

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Social Snafu

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I'm an almost 30-year-old woman with a social quandary. A few years ago I casually hooked up with this guy a few times. We stopped hooking up when he started dating another woman seriously. No big deal; I was fine with that. However, on several occasions since then, he has approached me for sex, even though he and the other woman are now living together. I always rebuff his advances.

My problem isn't really with him — he's just a two-timing loser who's easy to ignore. My problem is with his girlfriend. Over the years, our social circles have become closer, and I find myself being invited to many of the same gatherings as the two of them. She is a lovely person who tries to get to know me better. She probably wonders why I'm such a stuck-up bitch who won't give her the time of day — I just feel so badly for her and guilty, even though I've done nothing wrong. It's gotten to the point where I'm declining invitations to hang out with my friends for fear of running into them. I just want to do the right thing by her in this unfortunate situation.

Signed,
Guilt by Association

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Dear G.B.A,

While I commend you for taking the girlfriend's feelings into account, it's really not your responsibility to referee their relationship. I agree that keeping your distance from the girlfriend is respectful; however, you have every right to attend any social gathering you choose. Be cordial to this woman — you don't want to be best friends with her, but a polite acquaintance is fine.

If you really want to do right by her, have you considered telling her about her boyfriend's indecent proposals? On the one hand, their relationship is none of your business. But on the other hand, wouldn't you want to know if your live-in boyfriend was actually a scumbag?

Whatever you choose to do, remember: You didn't do the crime, so you shouldn't do the time. The only person who should be altering his social calendar is the unfaithful boyfriend.

Faithfully,
MM

Readers: What would you do in this situation? Leave a comment — you can do so anonymously by using an alias and skipping the last two fields.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

When To Say When

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My boyfriend constantly wants sex. He's a guy, so I'm aware this is normal, but he's excessive. I have a high sex drive, too, and I willingly sleep with him at least once a day — often in marathon sessions — but even this doesn't satisfy him. I want to please him. I allow him to do what he wants with me, regardless of how excited I am. But I end up in pain, even bleeding on a few occasions. I've tried to satisfy him via oral and hand jobs, but the only way he can get off is through vaginal intercourse. I really like this guy, but his hyper sex drive is tearing me apart, literally and figuratively. Help.

Signed,
Desperate Lover

---------------------------------------

Dear Desperate,

Sex should be pleasurable and fun — not fraught with emotional and physical pain. I know you want to please your boyfriend, but he should want to take care of you, too. Does he know you're giving in to his desires when you're physically hurting? If so, you need to seriously rethink this relationship.

You don't say how forceful your boyfriend gets about sex, but something about your letter sent up a red flag for me. Domestic violence doesn't always leave physical bruises — if he's pressuring you into sex, that's abuse, too. My friends at Women Helping Battered Women say, “Domestic violence can take on many forms, including sexual coercion and forced sex. These acts often take place in tandem with other tactics to establish and maintain power and control over an intimate partner."

Under no circumstances should you ever feel obligated to have sex. If you feel like you're being coerced or taken advantage of in any way, please consider reaching out for help. You can connect with Women Helping Battered Women via their 24-hour hotline at 658-1996, or online at www.whbw.org.

Much love,
MM

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Waiting Period

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I'm hoping that by writing to you and getting your opinion, I can convince my girlfriend to have sex with me while she's having her period. I'm not some fetishist who gets off on menstrual blood. I'm just a guy who likes to have sex all the time, and a little blood once a month doesn't bother me. I've read where you say it's not a big deal to have sex while you're on the rag, and I'm hoping that if she reads your response, she might rethink her ban on period sex.

Help a brother out?

Max E. Pad

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Dear Max,

I hate to dash your hopes, but my job isn't to persuade your girlfriend to sleep with you when she doesn't want to. You might be wise to remember that your girlfriend's body is a gift she gives you on her own terms — not yours.

Have you bothered to ask her why she doesn't like having sex during her period? For some women, the bloating, cramping and fatigue caused by menstruation can make sex undesirable. For others, years of societal training leave them feeling embarrassed by bodily fluids and odors. Just watch a few hours of television, and you'll see numerous commercials for products designed to sanitize the entire vaginal area. Try talking with her about her feelings — more listening, less convincing.

Having sex during menstruation is fine — some women even claim that it alleviates cramps. If your girlfriend is worried about the cosmetic details, you can suggest placing a dark towel underneath her and keeping some baby wipes nearby to clean up any messes. However, if sex is uncomfortable for her during her period, you'll need to back off and respect her boundaries.

Going with the flow,
MM




Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Cyber Sick

Dear Mistress Maeve,

A couple months ago I moved in with my boyfriend of less than a year (we're in our 40s). I felt like things were going very well, but a few days ago, I figured out — to my gut-wrenching surprise — that he secretly "chats" online with women via a commonly known "social networking website." He apparently presents himself as available and has accumulated many sexy female "friends." He swears he does not meet any of these women in person. I don't know how to make sense of this so soon in our relationship. I am not a big Internet person — what is all this sneaking around online about?

Cyber-sick in Southern Vermont

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Dear Cyber-sick,

I wish I had better news for you. Your man is either lying to you about his online flirtations, lying to these women about being single, or both. Any way you slice it, he's lying.

Don't get me wrong — casual flirting outside the relationship is a natural tendency that, if indulged with a measure of integrity, can be healthy. It's nice to get and give benign amounts of attention from and to someone other than our partners — it reminds us that we're still attractive, sexual beings (which can translate into hot moments at home). However, healthy flirting doesn't involve hours spent online portraying yourself as single when you actually have a live-in partner.

Tell him you're hurt by his online dishonesty — the least he can do is acknowledge your relationship publicly. As to whether he's taking these relationships too far, that question comes down to trust. Think long and hard about whether you trust this man you're now living with. If the answer is no, I see another move in your future.

Virtually yours,
MM

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Why So Wet?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

When I was a younger woman, I noticed that when I was on top of my male partner, I was quite wet. It didn't happen often, and I didn't give it much thought. Ten years later it happened again, and then again and again — and now, before my very eyes, I have become a full-blown squirter. And we're not talking a trickle, either, but gushing, porn-star-style squirting. Luckily both my partner and I are excited by it and have successfully incorporated it into our love making (crib pads are a godsend).

But my question is this: What's the deal? It's hard to search the Internet for info because most of the returns are porn, and the little information I do find says people don't have any idea what female ejaculation is or what causes it.

Soaked in the South End

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Dear Soaked,

It's no surprise you can't find much info about female ejaculation. Science, in general, likes to ignore female sexual function — especially when it comes to ejaculating "unladylike" fluids.

The ejaculate is squirting from your urethra, but it isn't urine — it’s a clear liquid generated in your Skene’s glands (or G-spot). When you're aroused, your G-spot becomes engorged with fluid, which it releases into your urethra. Upon orgasm, this liquid can erupt — sometimes a little, sometimes a lot, depending on your level of arousal. Some studies say that the majority of women ejaculate from the urethra during sex, but in small, undetectable quantities.

It's logical that your squirting abilities have developed over time, as you've gained more sexual experience and found more compatible partners. The more turned on and comfortable you are, the farther you can squirt. I'm happy to hear you and your partner are both embracing your special talent — grab some crib pads and get busy.

Wet and wild,
MM



Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Questionable Benefits

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I have a friend who I've known for almost five years. I love him to death, and he loves me, too, but he has a girlfriend. Before the girlfriend came along, we had a "friends with benefits" thing going on. We almost dated, but then the girlfriend arrived on the scene. He loves her very much, and I can see that he is happy with her — but he still continues to see me for "friendly benefits."

I feel torn. Should I keep this up? What is the nicest way to say, "Choose between me and your girlfriend"?

Signed,
The Other Girl

---------------------------------

Dear Other Girl,

I find it curious that you call it "friends with benefits" when he is the only one benefiting from your arrangement. You could draw a healthy boundary and say, "This relationship isn't working for me; I need you to choose between me and your girlfriend once and for all." But this guy is a cheater — do you really want him? Do you really think he can transform from a selfish user into the man of your dreams?

One of my New Year's resolutions is to participate only in relationships and activities that make me feel good. Take a step back and ask yourself, "Is this relationship lifting me up or bringing me down?" My guess is that you know he's causing you more harm than good. You have encouraged a scenario where he is having his cake and eating it, too — and it's very difficult to recover from that sugar binge.

Resolve to feel good about yourself in 2009. The sooner this guy is out of the picture, the sooner you'll go from "Other Girl" to "Only Girl" with someone much more worthy of your love.

xoxo,
MM

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Drive Time

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost six years. We understand that sex slows down a bit after you've been together for a while, but we're wondering if there might be more to our hibernating libidos. For example, I have felt a decrease in my sex drive since going on medication for my anxiety. She thinks her birth control pills may be having an effect on her sex drive and causing a decrease in her natural lubrication, thereby making sex painful. I'm a young man, so my libido is still somewhat intact, even with the medication, but I just wish she could enjoy herself more consistently like she used to.

Is it possible that her pills are causing this downturn in her libido? Should we switch back to condoms and forget the chemical side of it?

Hibernating Hunnies

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Dear H.H.,

It is definitely possible that your girlfriend's birth control pills are diminishing her sex drive. Luckily, there are many different types of birth control. I highly recommend that she talk to her doctor — he or she may prescribe a different pill or suggest another form of birth control altogether.

However, as you mention in your letter, sex drives ebb and flow, especially over the course of a long-term relationship. She could be experiencing a natural low period, and her drive will eventually right itself. Or perhaps she has some emotional issues going on. You seem like a sensitive guy — if you haven't already, talk to her about her lack of desire. If she thinks it's the pill, get her to talk with her doc. If it's something deeper, suggest that she talk to a trusted friend or therapist. Whatever the case, remain patient and supportive — and use some water-based lube.

Also, it's common for men to experience a lower libido while taking some prescription meds; however, be sure to communicate with your doctor, too.

Living Libido Loca,
MM

Monday, December 22, 2008

Firm Resolve

Dear Readers,

I don't know about you, but I find most New Year's resolutions to be boring and totally uninventive. So, whether you'll be ringing in the new year single or as part of a couple, I challenge you to make only resolutions that will bring you pleasure of the carnal variety. To get you thinking in the right direction, I'll make a few suggestions — some naughty, some nice:

1. Read erotic fiction about something you think you'd never try.

Just because you fantasize about having group sex, being spanked, or getting busy while dressed up like a team mascot doesn't mean you want it in real life. To broaden your fantasy horizons, pick up some "taboo" erotic fiction. I suggest Spanked: Red-Cheeked Erotica, Crossdressing: Erotic Stories and The Mile High Sex Club: Plane Sex Stories, all edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel.

2. Rediscover making out.

Kissing is among the most erotic activities, if you allow it to be. The next time you slide lips with someone, take a minute — or an hour — to really enjoy it.

3. Spend time naked.

Shedding our layers and getting to know ourselves better, both physically and mentally, makes us better people and partners. So crank up the heat, close the blinds, and lose the clothes. If you have a significant other, consider resolving to share "naked dates."

4. Try girl-on-guy strap-on sex.

This may exclude those of you who don't participate in girl-on-guy action, but I'm sure you'll support your bi and hetero brothers and sisters in this resolution. Think about it: No matter how equal and respectful men and women are to each other, the woman is always getting "screwed." Change things up in 2009 — get a strap-on, a good dildo and some lube and mix up the gender roles. Trust me, it'll be good for both of you. 

5. Practice safer sex.

Hopefully you're already protecting yourself, but it never hurts to renew this resolution. Make 2009 happy and healthy.

Happy New Year,
MM

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

That's what friends are for?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My friend of over 10 years recently broke up with her boyfriend and has started sleeping with — and possibly dating — a guy I cannot stand!

I know I should be supportive of her choices, because they are her choices, but I’m super unimpressed with this guy and her recent actions. I want to be OK with her new relationship, but I'm just not sure I can! I'm also not convinced her new relationship is going to last, so why should I invest my time and energy into getting to know him better? Please tell me what I should do, because I don't want to lose my friend.

Signed,
Fumbling Through Friendship

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Dear F.T.F.,

Most of us have watched friends date unsavory characters, and it's difficult to know whether we should speak up or let them make — and learn from — their own mistakes.

You don't explain why you dislike her new beau. But, barring any outstanding warrants or unwitting wives in multiple states, it's probably not worth giving your friend a laundry list of his flaws — she might resent you for it. If their relationship progresses and you still can't find any redeeming qualities in him, you'll have to set some healthy boundaries for yourself. Tell her that you don't have much in common with him and would prefer to hang out with her one on one. If she questions you, be cautious — don't verbally castrate the guy. Simply explain that you want to support her and her relationships, but you don't have to be best friends with him to remain best friends with her.

Friends first,
MM

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Slip and Slide (Out)

Dear Mistress,

I am in my forties, have given birth once and have been sexually active throughout most of my adult life. Twice in the past two years, younger men in their twenties have hit on me — and I had sex with one of them. His penis seemed large enough to me, but it slipped out a few times. Is it possible that I am too loose, given my experience level and childbirth? In your response to “Reluctant Archer” on November 26, you seemed to suggest that slippage is more a function of the male’s thrusting than the looseness of the vagina?

I’d love to know what your advice is in this situation.

Signed,
Please Don’t Use My Name

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Dear P.D.U.M.N,

Kudos to you, Madame Cougar, for reeling in men in their twenties!

Though some women swear they’ve experienced extreme vaginal stretching post-childbirth, most sources agree that the vagina eventually regains its muscle tone. And, unless you’ve been having sex with a man 10 times the size of John Holmes, you’re probably not going to stretch your vagina through intercourse, either.

Most penis slippage is due to erratic thrusting or poor choice of position — every body is different, and couples should identify which sexual positions work best for intercourse. Plus, the young bucks you’ve been attracting may not be as sexually experienced as some of your past partners. I’m guessing it’s their experience, not the size of your vagina, that’s causing the slippage.

However, if you’re not feeling as tight as you’d like, you can try doing some Kegel exercises. Just as lifting weights at the gym tones your limbs, working out your pelvic floor muscles can tighten and tone your vagina — and that can lead to more explosive orgasms for you. For more info on Kegel exercises, click here. Or, you can watch this video of a vulva puppet doing Kegels.

Clench and release,
MM

Distraction Satisfaction

Over the weekend, a friend thanked me for giving her some good advice, so I thought I'd pass it along.

After a longer-than-she-would-have-liked sexual dry spell, my friend hooked up with a guy she met at a bar. The next morning, he left his phone number for her (she didn't ask for it), which made her think he was at least interested in some additional booty calls. After waiting the obligatory few days, she left him a voicemail inviting him to hang out the upcoming weekend. He didn't call back.

Listen, dry spells are one thing — you learn to cope with cold showers, porn and sex toys solo on Saturday nights. However, hell hath no fury like a woman who came out of a dry spell for a one night stand only to get the shaft (figuratively, not literally). Her one-night romp had unleashed her sexual beast, and she needed to be satiated. Thus, when the weekend arrived, my friend had worked herself into a panicked frenzy over not getting laid again by this guy. So, I took it upon myself to shake her out of it. No, I didn't fuck her — but I told her she needed to hook up with someone — anyone — pronto, as to get her mind off of the one-night-stand douche-bag. So, I was an awesome wingwoman, and we made it happen.

Guess what? It worked. She was able to get it on with someone else, thereby snapping her out of her neurosis and reminding her that she's not only capable of landing one guy, but many, many guys (if she so chooses). There's power in seduction — it shouldn't be abused or substituted for other needs, but it can be damned fun and useful. Just do it safely, OK?

Oh, and one more thing. Guys: If you don't want us to call, don't leave your phone number, especially when we didn't ask for it in the first place. We're cool without it, mmmk?

xoxo,
MM

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Small Town Secrets

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I have one of those only-in-a-small-town problems. I have an acquaintance named “Sally.” She’s a lovely woman, and I’ve always had positive interactions with her. Sally is living with “Paul” — a guy who had previously been sleeping with my good friend “Samantha.”

Problem is, even though Paul and Sally have been in a seemingly committed relationship for about three years now, Paul’s started reaching out to Samantha to be his on-the-side playmate. (Samantha tells me when he texts or emails her.) Of course, Samantha rebuffs his advances, but it makes me wonder how many other chicks Paul is propositioning. I’ve kept it to myself, but after the most recent and blatant proposition from Paul to Samantha, I feel a sense of nausea when I see the happy couple together, and want to run up and smack Paul upside the head Olympia Dukakis-style from Moonstruck: “SNAP OUT OF IT!”

Should I tell Sally about Paul’s advances toward Samantha? We share several close mutual friends — perhaps I should spill the beans to one of them?

Sincerely,
The Fly on the Wall, Stuck in the Tangled Web

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Dear Tangled Fly,

As satisfying as it would be to smack every cheater upside the head, it’s just not practical. You’d spend all of your time focusing on other people’s issues rather than your own — which is what I’m concerned to learn you’re doing now. Paul’s cheating ways are simply none of your business.

And what about Samantha? Does she know you’re thinking of betraying her trust? If Samantha is the only one Paul is pursuing, he’ll surely know the source of the information, leaving her holding the bag. In this small-town scenario, your loyalty should be to your “good friend,” Samantha.

Remember — too often the people who spill the beans are left cleaning up the mess.

Minding my business,
MM

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