Slip Slidin' Away

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I recently started seeing a guy, and I was relieved and happy to learn that he takes safe sex as seriously as I do. Even though I'm on the pill, we have used a condom each time we have sex and will continue to do so until we decide whether we're taking this thing to the next level. However, a distressing pattern has emerged. Whenever I'm on top of him (my favorite position), the condom slips off! When I get off of him, I find it inside me or lying on the bed. WTF?!

We are using standard-sized condoms, and he's not small, so I don't think it's a size issue. Condoms stay on in every other position; why is this happening when I'm on top?

Signed,
Slipped When Dipped

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Dear Slipped,

First and foremost, kudos to you and your man for taking safe sex seriously. Unless you're a monogamous couple with two clean bills of health, you should be keeping it covered.

Just like penises, all condom brands are not created equal. The condom may be the appropriate size, but make sure he's using the brand that gives him the snuggest fit. Also, be sure you're putting on the condom correctly. This may seem elementary, but if you're fumbling around in the dark, trying to fashion the condom properly in the heat of the moment, it could go on inside out or not be rolled down the shaft of the penis far enough.

If the fit and form are in order, and you're still experiencing slippage, the most likely culprit is prolonged friction after he's ejaculated. As soon as he orgasms, have him hold the base of the condom while you disengage. Sure, it's nice to have him remain inside you after the deed is done, but as his penis softens and shrinks, the condom can easily slip off, creating an unsafe scenario.

One final note: If you're finding the condom inside you, double check to make certain it's intact. If you find that it's torn, consult your doctor. Trust me, you do not want remnants of latex kicking around in your va-jay-jay.

Sheathed in Safety,
MM

Thanks Misgivings

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Not looking forward to spending Thanksgiving with my in-laws this year and seeking some guidance. Let's just say my husband's mother is less than thankful to have me as a daughter-in-law. We have a long history of bickering, mostly about my career leading her beloved first son far away from his family (even though we're less than a five-hour drive). It's a classic case of overbearing mother-in-law, and I don't want to go through another holiday season fighting.

The most infuriating part is that my husband won't help me. No matter how much I beg for him to step in and put his foot down with his mother, he won't do it. I'm sick of fighting this battle on my own. How do I get my husband to be on my side?

Signed,
Thanks for Nothing

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Dear Thanks,

What’s the goal here? If you’re asking your husband to value you more than his own mother, you’re in for a cornucopia of disappointment.

If you’re having little spats with Mom-in-law, try your best to work them out one on one. This year, as you're peeling potatoes and stuffing the bird, call a truce with her. Tell her you know your relationship has had the consistency of lumpy gravy, but you're ready to smooth it out. See what you can carve out on your own, since the fewer arguments you involve your husband in, the happier your marriage will be.
If your mother-in-law exhibits consistently disrespectful or hurtful behavior even after you’ve spoken with her, you can ask your hubby for constructive backup. Just remember, it’s not about your husband valuing your relationship more; it’s about him valuing both relationships equally.

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem, so do not exacerbate family arguments by unfairly involving your partner. For your own sanity, let go of this competitiveness with your mother-in-law. You’ll be a much happier person, and the pie will taste all the sweeter.

Talking turkey,
MM

Sex Sells... Real Estate?

At what point does targeted marketing become insulting?

Jezebel is calling attention to a real estate ad seen in Metro Weekly, Washington, D.C.'s Gay and Lesbian News Magazine. The ad for the Floridian condo complex goes directly after its desired gay male clientele by featuring photos of hot guys canoodling among text that reads, "Top to bottom..." and "Everything you desire." The ad also boasts a rooftop deck for "sultry evenings," while the Floridian's website suggests that purchasing a condo is "a smart investment in a thrilling lifestyle."

So, will gay men fall for this marketing scheme, or will they be turned off by the blatant pigeon-holing?

MM

Reality Check

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I'm writing because I just don't know what else to do. I have been with my boyfriend for a year, during which time he has cheated on me twice (that I know about). He claims that both times were just making out and nothing more, but I feel like an idiot for believing that. On the other hand, I truly love him and deeply care about him.

At this point, I have taken him back. I have a daughter and can't stand the thought of disrupting her life while I work this out. Please don't think I'm some stupid girl who allows men to walk all over her; I'm not. It's just that he seems so sincere when he tells me that he's trying to change his life. He has asked me to be understanding, and I am trying to be. I want to believe in him, to help him, but am I making a mistake?

Signed,
Shadows of Doubt

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Dear Shadows,

It's time for some tough love. Is it possible for your man to change and your relationship to heal from his indiscretions? Yes. Is it likely? No.

Because you cannot predict the future, you must base your next move on his pattern of behavior — and his track record is terrible. I'm sure he's making a great case for himself, coming up with all sorts of reasons why he strayed. But really, it's a simple concept: You don't cheat on someone you love. Period.
Furthermore, you need to think about how this relationship may be affecting your daughter. She sees her mother being hurt by a man, then sees her mother taking him back. Is this a trait you wish her to inherit? Perhaps you should ask yourself what type of advice you'd give your daughter should she wind up with a cheater one day.

The question now becomes: How much more time are you willing to invest in this relationship without a fruitful return? For your sake, and your daughter's, I hope you find your time too valuable to waste.

Tough Lovin’ It,
MM

Shaving Time

It's that time of year -- decidedly not summer anymore, yet ages away from my February escape to the tropics. So, the question becomes: What to do with the bikini line? According to Salon.com, full bush made a recent comeback due to women making recessionary cutbacks in discretionary spending (read: no money for professional waxing). Sounds good, but something about going au natural just feels a little too Vermont-y.

Full Brazilian wax? Sure. However, after watching this clip from the Wanda Sykes HBO special, "I'ma Be Me," I'm not so sure that's the way to go, either. Watch this video for a hilarious (and graphic) recounting of Sykes's first Brazilian. Not safe for work viewing due to subject matter and curse words.

So, what's a girl to do -- rock the 70s-style porno bush or watch your asshole run for its life across the Serengeti? What are your thoughts on personal pubic grooming? Share your comments!

xoxo,
MM

Big Controversy

If you heard a loud BOOM! earlier this week, that was the sound of the Internet exploding over a blog post published by Marie Claire magazine blogger Maura Kelly about the sitcom "Mike and Molly." The show features the life and times of overweight couple Mike and Molly and has many Americans happy to finally see a "real" couple depicted on television. However, the mere idea of two fat people making out has Kelly retching and kvetching all over her blog. She admits to never seeing the show, but says:

“So anyway, yes, I think I’d be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with rolls and rolls of fat kissing each other … because I’d be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything. To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room – just like I’d find it distressing if I saw a very drunk person stumbling across a bar or a heroine addict slumping in a chair.”

Being a person who advocates for love (and lust) at every size, I was saddened by Kelly's blatant prejudice, but I was heartened by the thousands of backlash letters received by Marie Claire from fat-positive readers who threatened to revoke their subscriptions for allowing such drivel to published. The public outcry led to an apology from Kelly. In part, she says:

"People have accused me of being a bully in my post. I never intended to be that — it's actually the very last thing I want to be, as a writer or a person. But I know that I came off that way, and I really cannot apologize enough to the people whom I upset."

Meh. The apology was fine, but with her language being so outrageously harsh in the initial post, it's difficult to rectify. Other fat-postive folks aren't satisfied either, and they're doing something about it. Tonight, outside the Marie Claire offices at Hearst Tower in Manhattan, fat activist Stacy Bias and her pals are are hosting The Big Fat Kiss-in at 6pm. Likeminded people are encouraged to make out in plain view of Marie Claire to make it clear that love, at any size, isn't "aesthetically displeasing." Everyone's invited, so grab your Chapstick, breath spray and make out for a worthy cause! You can RSVP to the Facebook event here.

Big, fat kisses,
MM

Hey, Sexty

Dear Mistress Maeve,

There's been a lot of news lately about "sexting," but it all has to do with how shocking this technology has been when it comes to teenagers. (I wish they could see the notes I used to pass in high school!) So what about us adults? I'm a man newly back in the dating world after a nine-year marriage. All the women I'm seeing have these iPhones and newfangled things, and it seems as though they're getting a zillion text messages per hour. I'm not much of a texter, but my flip phone does have the capability. If I'm dating a woman and things are going good, when can I drop her a "sext," and what do I say? Do women in their thirties even want to get a "sext message"?

Signed,
Sext Me Later

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Dear Sext,

Sexting, the act of sending sexy text messages, knows no age limit. Women in their thirties, forties, fifties and so on are as likely to want to receive a sext message as women in their twenties. However, to sext message the object of your desire successfully, I would suggest following a few basic rules of engagement.

First, no sexting until you've consummated the relationship. Call me old-fashioned, but I want to see what you have to offer in person, not on my smartphone screen. Sexting should not be the appetizer before the main course — more like a snack between meals.

Once you've done the deed, let the sexting begin; however, tread lightly. For your first sext, send something mildly suggestive and see how she responds. If she sends you something sassy back, you've got the green light to turn up the heat. Just don't go overboard — if you wouldn't say it out loud, you probably shouldn't say it via text.
Regarding photos, be careful. Women know that a man will always be happy to receive a revealing photo, so rely on her to send one if she wants to — asking or begging for one is déclassé. And, whatever you do, don't send a photo of your member unless she requests one. Just ask Brett Favre how badly that can go…

One final note: Be sure to update your phone plan to unlimited texting. Otherwise, your sexting success could end in financial ruin.

Sexting You Up,

MM

Free Pass?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My girlfriend and I have been together for two years. She is much younger than me and has never been with anyone else. Lately, she has had doubts about our relationship, not because she doesn't care about me, but because she has never experienced anyone else sexually. She is fairly sure about her sexuality (we are women), but she has never explored. She really cares about me and doesn't want to break up, but this "problem" is nagging at her.

I love this woman with all my heart and want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I don't want this issue to hang over our heads. I was thinking that I should give her a couple of free passes to be with a man and a woman of her choosing. There would be rules, of course. This would not be at all easy for me, and I realize that the grass might be greener on the other side of the fence, but if I don't allow this, she will always wonder. Thoughts?

Signed,
Do I Love Her Enough?

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Dear D.I.L.H.E.,

Ever noticed how the number of people we've slept with can become so important when we're considering never having sex with anyone new again? In your girlfriend's case, you're right — her inexperience will likely always keep her looking to the other side of the fence for that greener pasture. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but if your girlfriend is already looking to play in the neighbor's yard, it's doubtful she'll remain faithful to you in the long term.

You have two choices: You can set some ground rules, give her two free passes and hope for the best. Or you can make a clean break and let her sow some oats. If I were you, I would opt for the latter. As I see it, it's heartbreak now or heartbreak later — your choice.

Hopping the fence,
MM

Cut to the Quick

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My wife and I have been married for a good long while now, and the sex is and has always been great. But lately it seems like my stamina ... well, that my stamina is not so great. I suppose, like any guy, there have always been times when I was a little quick to orgasm, but this is depressing. My wife hasn't mentioned it as a problem (we just improvise), but I feel like my body is robbing me of most of the fun.

What's a guy to do?

Signed,
Cut to the Quick

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Dear Quick,

Most men will experience periods of rapid ejaculation during their sexual lifetimes, so don't worry — you're not broken, and you will likely get your old groove back.

In the meantime, the key is not letting a few misfires spiral into more anxiety-ridden performance issues. You seem to be open to communicating about the issue and to have a supportive partner, so why not get her involved? When you're having intercourse and feel yourself about to climax, pull out and pay your partner some attention until your urge to release subsides. Repeat this exercise until you're both satisfied — it'll add excitement to your normal routine, and you will train your body to rebuild its stamina. You might also try wearing a condom to prolong your love making. Some men report that condoms specifically made for anal sex are thicker and more durable, reducing sensation just enough to make you last longer.

One final note: Stay away from desensitizing creams. They're made with anesthetic and can easily transfer to your wife's vulva. I'd rather run a fully pleasurable, all-natural sprint than a lackluster, artificially induced marathon.

Long-lasting love,
MM

Houseguest Mess

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My husband and I have a great sex life — one I was thoroughly enjoying until we invited my hubby's best friend to come stay with us while he's in between apartments and jobs. It was supposed to be for four days, but it has turned into two weeks, and it keeps getting extended. Between my husband and I having opposite work schedules and our house guest keeping odd hours, I can't relax enough to have sex. Even when we go to bed at night, the bathroom is right next to our bedroom, and I can hear him coming and going (literally), and it wrecks the mood.

We love our friend and don't feel we can ask him to leave earlier, but I'm going crazy. I keep telling my husband to "do something" about it, but I know he's in a tough position, and now we're bickering. I'm looking at one more week with no nooky, and I'm not happy about it. What would you do?

Signed,
Houseguest Mess

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Dear Mess,

Any house guest who plans to stay for four days and ends up staying for a month should know he's wearing out his welcome. So it's time to solidify his exit strategy. Because he's your hubby's best friend, your man should have a short, pointed discussion with the house guest. He should tell him that it's been great having him stay with you, but he'll be expected to leave at the end of this "extension." Knowing you have a concrete date of departure should start to alleviate the tension. And your husband shouldn't worry about offending the guest — any friend who allows a month's worth of couch surfing is a saint.

In the meantime, challenge yourselves to be creative. Have you considered a quickie while the house guest runs to the corner store or takes a shower? How about meeting your hubby during your lunch hour for some serious heavy petting in the car? Or, if money and time allow, treat yourselves to a midweek overnight at a local inn. You have options — you just have to think outside the box (to get your husband inside your box).

Crashing at Your Place,
MM

Footsies

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I was in a wedding last month, and all the bridesmaids got pedicures. I don't usually do anything special to my feet, and when I got home, my boyfriend was so turned on by the pink polish on my toes. At first, I was a little embarrassed by how strongly he reacted, and I think he even surprised himself. Not to be too graphic, but the next few times we had sex, he paid a lot of attention to my feet. I didn't find it hot, per se, but I guess I was happy that he was turned on. Now the polish is starting to wear off, and he has asked if he can paint my toes. I want to let him do it, but there's a part of me that wonders if this is just weird. Truth be told, I'm sort of happy to have the extra attention. Is it strange or crazy for a guy to be so into feet?

Signed,
Playing Footsies

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Dear Playing Footsies,

Many of us paint our toenails not because we find our feet attractive but because we think most feet are gross. Between calluses, hammertoes, blisters and bunions, how could anyone find feet sexy, right? Well, they do — by the millions. Footnight.com estimates that a half a million people in the United States have a fetish for feet, and it sounds like your boyfriend is one of them.

Be proud of yourself for not immediately rejecting your beau's request to fawn over your feet. Let's put this in perspective: He's asking to give you a pedicure — not to perform a risky sex act that puts you in harm's way. Plus, it sounds like you're enjoying the added adoration, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Surprise your guy by picking up a few sassy nail polish colors — he'll be thrilled to pick the pigment. If you want to get really fancy, ask him to prepare a foot bath and allow him to wash your feet before the painting begins. Of course, you'll want to have your sexiest peep-toe shoes at the ready for when the job is done — that is, if you make it out of the bedroom.

Waiting on you hand and foot,
MM

Revenge Sex

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I have fallen in love with an incredible woman, and we are very happy. However, getting together wasn't easy; we were both dating other women at the time (we're queer). Unfortunately, we had to break a couple of hearts to be together, but we did it as gently as we could. The process was painful, but I wouldn't trade it for the world because I love this woman so much.

Recently, a mutual friend told us that our exes are sleeping together and that they had been drunkenly boasting about it at a party, saying that they hoped we found out. Do people really sleep with other people for revenge? How could they be so hurtful? The idea of people using their bodies and sexualities as weapons makes me sick. If my ex wanted to hurt me back, she's done it. I think the pathetic immature drama is actually hurting me more than anything else. I want her to realize that she's being ridiculous. How should I address this situation?

Signed,
Drama-less Queen

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Dear Drama-less,

People have sex for many reasons -- love, power, comfort and pleasure, to name a few. Your exes are claiming revenge sex, but I suspect it's more a combination of power and comfort. They're both experiencing the same brand of heartache, and it must be incredibly comforting and empowering to swap intimacy with someone who shares the same deep pain. It's not about weaponry; it's about shelter from the storm.

That said, parading around in front of your friends, hoping word will get back to you is just plain tacky. The good news is -- it's no longer your problem. Do not engage your ex in a conversation about her current bed buddy, as you will only be immersing yourself in the drama. If she thinks sleeping with this woman is the best way for her to get through her pain, let her have the experience.

Breaking up is a dirty business. The best you can hope for is to remain true to yourself and your new path — ignore their hurtful and immature antics and move on.

Getting even,

MM

Talking Points

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I've been with my lady for a year. We have things in common that I've had a hard time finding in other women, like a love for anime and endless hours spent playing video games. The sex is pretty good, too, so I feel like a lucky guy most of the time. However, we definitely have a communication problem. Like any couple, there are little things about one another that bug us, and we seem to not talk about them until they fester into big arguments. After a few huge explosions, we keep coming back to the same impasse: How can we be together if we can't talk?

For my part, I know I wait too long to talk about my issues with her, but when I do get around to it, she reacts with anger and shuts down. We agree that we need to work on this, but I feel like I'm the only one making strides. I don't want to lose her, but I don't like where we're headed. Help

Signed,

Communication Breakdown

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Dear C.B.,

Hats off to you for wanting to strengthen your communication skills and hang on to this rare breed of woman — not all of us like to spend our Saturday nights watching Japanese anime marathons. That said, if you're going to win this battle, you can't be the only one leading the charge. Are you sure your lady is willing to fight the good fight with you? If she's on the defense, you may be wasting your time — time you could be spending playing video games.

Have a talk with your girlfriend to determine whether you're on the same page; she must understand your communication issues and be willing to match your concerted efforts to improve. If you collectively decide to move forward, set aside one evening per week to have open dialogue about your relationship. Discuss both the challenges and successes of the week. Support each other while asking for what you each need. Sure, this may seem awkward at first, but you must retrain your brains to be open and honest with each other. Eventually, with enough practice, it will become second nature.

With open honesty,

MM

Deal Breaker?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I have been with my son's father for roughly three years. In the beginning, the sex was OK, but now it's nothing. He is not willing to try new things because he says I'm not a slut like that. Hello! I like kinky stuff! When he does decide to have sex, he initiates it after we're in bed sleeping. Plus, it's always the same routine.

If I try to take the reins, then I'm doing all the work and the sex still sucks! Yes, I have many times talked to him about this. I know he's sexually confident; that's not the issue. But, with strange things happening for some time now, such as him leaving for work at odd times and making excuses that don't add up, I'm wondering if there may be another woman. I even suggested therapy, but he's not willing to do that, either.

Signed,

Helpless

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Dear Helpless,

As with any other relationship issue, you have to decide whether your breakdown in the bedroom is a "deal breaker." If an unsatisfying sex life is something you simply can't live with — and who would want to? — you've got some work to do.

You may have talked about your intimacy woes in the past, but have you set up reasonable consequences for further inaction on his part? In a calm yet firm manner, explain to him that a healthy and fulfilling sex life is of utmost importance to you. And, as difficult as it may be for you to say and for him to hear, you must tell him that you are unsatisfied. Assure him that you're willing to work just as hard to fix these problems, but tell him he needs to meet you halfway.

Request that he start by initiating sex at a time of day that works for you, not once you've already fallen asleep. Further, ask that he not use any version of the word "slut" when referring to the sexual acts you'd like to try — it's demeaning and close-minded. Instead, ask him to consider a few scenarios you suggest and choose one to try. In return, find out what you can do to enhance his sexual experience.

While you're being honest, ask him about his inconsistencies. The only way you're going to clear the air about any indiscretions is to be direct and ask the tough questions. See how he reacts, and always trust your gut. If you don't trust him, you've got bigger issues…

xoxo,

MM

Sizeable Difference

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My girlfriend is a very sexual individual, and I am only happy to accommodate her every desire. However, she's recently taken to asking me to use sex toys on her that are on the larger side. I am a man on the smaller side of average and, no matter how illogical my brain knows it is, I can't help but think my member isn't satisfying her. I have also noticed that when I'm using my hands to please her, she wants more and more inside of her. I guess I knew she used larger toys on herself when I wasn't around, but I'm starting to take it personally that she's asking me to use them when we're together.

Mistress, what do you think?

Signed,

Worried

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Dear Worried,

You need to get over penile perturbation and focus on what really matters — your partner's sexual satisfaction. Do you have any idea how lucky you are to be with a woman who's not afraid to ask you for what she wants? Stop fretting over what's in your pants and focus on giving her the best damn orgasm she's ever had with that sex toy.

Popular culture would have us believe that penis size determines sexual prowess, but that's a bunch of garbage. AskMen.com recently reported on a study of 50,000 heterosexuals showing that 85 percent of women were satisfied with their partner's penis size, while only 55 percent of men were satisfied with their own. What does this tell us? It tells us most men are worrying for nothing. Besides, if heterosexual women were able to be satisfied only by large, inanimate objects, why would we even bother with you?

Remember, sexual skill and swagger trump penis size every time. Your girlfriend doesn't dislike your dick — she simply likes variety. Indulge her. Show her you're an open-minded guy who will stop at nothing to please her.

One size fits all,

MM

What are the odds?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Is there any hope for a man with lots of love to give who missed the first round of relationships? I find myself single in my late thirties, feeling like life is passing me by. I had my chances with women but let them go, hoping to find someone better. What are my odds of finding happiness in a town full of kids, hipsters, moderns and rich imports? Where do good-looking, single, professional women flock?

Signed,

Missed the Boat

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Dear M.t.B.,

While I can't guarantee that you'll find lasting love, I can guarantee that the type of woman you're looking for is attracted to positive thinkers with exuberance and passion for life — not a downtrodden dating disaster who looks down on half the people in town.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get ready to play the dating game. Even if it's out of your comfort zone, you must try online dating. In this day and age, all the single women are flocking online, not to the local watering hole. Make sure your profile shows your optimistic, witty and romantic sides — leave all the negative dating energy in the past. You might even enlist the help of a couple of trusted friends. Have them read your profile before posting it, and allow them to help choose photos that best capture you. While you're at it, tell your friends you're ready to find a partner, and see if they can set you up. Blind dates can be nervewracking, but they can also be your golden ticket.

When you meet someone who sparks your interest, stop looking around for someone "better." You owe it to her — and yourself — to explore the relationship.

XOXO,

MM

Oh, Brother...

A big thank you to Jezebel for providing today's entertainment.

Before we begin, let me confess that I watch A LOT of bad reality television. That said, I do have some standards and have always drawn the line at CBS's Big Brother -- it's too lame, even for me. Basically, CBS throws a bunch of idiots in a house together and films them 24/7 as they pick each other off one by one. However, after watching this clip from Big Brother's live feed, I might have to change my viewing habits.

Check out Big Brother house guest Lane rub one out in the shower while trying to pretend he's cleaning his ears -- either that, or he's got an intense ear fetish. My favorite part? The hand check at the end.

Happy Friday,

MM

Hide And Seek

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I'm divorced after a 15-year relationship and have recently started dating again, thus I am a little vague on the rules.

I've met a few men through online personals. After a few nice dates with a guy, I'm not interested in meeting anyone else until I see what happens with the guy I'm seeing. At what point do I "temporarily hide" my profile? I don't want to prematurely and publicly declare myself off the market, especially because it might scare off the guy I'm dating.

However, keeping my profile active, I find myself ignoring other inquiries that could potentially be missed opportunities. I'm not into dating more than one guy at a time, so when do I hide my profile from public view? If the thing to do is leave my profile up, how do I politely respond to inquiries that come in while I'm dating someone else?

Thanks for the help,

Experienced at Life, Novice at Dating

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Dear Experienced Novice,

Sure, life would be easier if you could date one guy at a time — but you're dating online, where everyone is entertaining the idea of dating other people. With all the winking, profile creeping and emails, it's almost ridiculous to think you could focus your energies on just one courtship at a time. Anyway, why should you? It's possible to date one guy while emailing back and forth with another. In fact, it's probably prudent to do so. Dating is a crapshoot, and you're right — you don't want to miss opportunities.

Keep your profile public until you are in a secure, monogamous relationship (if that's what you're going for). Until then, you don't have to pursue other singles actively, but you can most certainly entertain the advances of other gentleman callers. If it makes you feel better, be honest with the other guys. Tell them you've been on a couple dates with someone else, and you're interested to see where it goes; however, in the meantime, you can get to know each other via email.

One more thing. You're just out of a 15-year relationship, so what's the rush? Instead of working on landing another long-term relationship, perhaps you should focus on meeting as many new people as possible, thereby creating options for yourself rather than limiting your choices.

Wink,

MM

O, Really?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I’m dating a girl, and it’s going good. When we have sex, I am very satisfied. She is very oral, and I have had the best orgasms of my life from her blow jobs. The problem is, I’m not sure I’m returning the favor. I don’t want to brag, but I’ve satisfied many women and tend to think I know what a female orgasm looks and feels like. There’s something about her orgasms that seems fake. They’re very theatrical, and she doesn’t seem to have that blissful exhaustion afterwards that I’ve witnessed in other women.

I always ask her if she’s satisfied, and she swears she is, but I just don’t believe it. What can I do? If she’s faking and lying to me, I’m going to be pissed off when all I really want to do is make her feel good.

Signed,

Give and Take

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Dear Give and Take,

Please, oh wise sage, tell us what a female orgasm looks and feels like — because last time I checked, all women are different. Sure, you might witness vaginal muscle pulsation, arched back, quickened heart rate and speaking in tongues — but, honestly, all those things are pretty easy to fake. Some of us are theatrical, and some of us become more chipper after orgasm than blissed out. Maybe your girl is having great orgasms and your worry is all for naught.

That said, an unfortunate number of women do fake it. Sometimes women simply don’t know how to get off or to ask for what they need. How long have you two been together? Sometimes women need more time to build intimacy before the big O will come out of hiding. Whatever the reason, the best course of action is to have a frank conversation with her away from the bedroom. Forget about being pissed off — if you want her to let her guard down and be honest with you, you’ll have to go first. Let her know that you desire to be the best lover she’s ever had and that you’ll stop at nothing to get her off. If she insists she’s orgasming, you’ll need to take her word for it. If it turns out she’s not getting off, be ready to put your money where your mouth is — it’ll be time to get down to the business of figuring out what makes your lady really tick.

O Face,

mm

Burning Desire

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Something strange (and painful) happened to me the other day, and I'm hoping you might be able to explain it.

I have an expensive silicone dildo from a reputable sex-toy shop, but the other day, I decided to opt for variety. I grabbed a jelly-like toy that I bought a long time ago — but had never used — from the bedside table. About 30 seconds after I inserted it, my vagina started burning. I removed it immediately and washed with mild soup and water, but the burning continued for a couple of hours.

Needless to say, that toy is no longer on the menu, but can you help me figure out what happened?

Thanks,

Feelin' the Burn

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Dear Feelin' the Burn,

Unless you accidentally squeezed a packet of hot sauce into your bedside table, it's safe to assume you had an allergic reaction to the toy.

Many jelly and rubberlike toys are made using phthalates (chemicals used to plasticize everything from shower curtains to building materials). While the jury is still out on whether phthalates are harmful in and of themselves, it's a fact that toys made with phthalates are porous and can degrade over time, releasing chemicals that are harmful and irritating to our bodies. In fact, many reputable sex toy outlets, like Babeland.com, have stopped selling phthalate toys altogether.

Whenever possible, stick to non-porous sex toys like your trusty silicone dildo. If you insist on using jelly-like toys, either sheath them with a condom first or check out some of the new-fangled jelly toys made of elastomer (still porous and cannot be disinfected, but they're phthalate free).

Chemically balanced,

MM