Kochalka Kerfuffle

UPDATE (2/8/11, 2:45pm): James Kochalka published a mea culpa comic on his website yesterday. To be clear, I don't know the woman in question and didn't know of any existing letter-writing campaigns regarding Kochalka's Laureate status. I never called Kochalka out for violence against women (in fact, I said I'd like to see what Ashley's friends would do to a portrait of Cooley if given the chance). Further, I never called for him to be stripped of his Laureate status. Over the years, I have often written about the perils of dating in small-town Vermont. When I saw the post on Kochalka's website, I found it worthy of discussion. And, I stand by that -- the comic was provocative and stunning, even for American Elf.

UPDATE (2/4/11, 3:15pm): James Kochalka has removed the comic from his website. See his comment below.

Ask me what section of Seven Days I turn to first, and I say, "American Elf" -- the comic strip by James Kochalka (Vermont's Cartoonist Laureate), seemingly about his everyday life with his wife, kids, friends and cat, Spandy. It's a great strip, always good for a chuckle and sometimes a good life lesson. On a recent trip to Midtown Comics in New York City, I marveled at all of Kochalka's titles and thought, "Man, that guy really is famous!"

However, I just heard about a comic he posted on his website that, I believe, puts a little chink in his armor of awesomeness. In a comic entitled "Ashley Forever" published on Kochalka's website on January 26, the artist explains that he "did a portrait of Jason Cooley's girlfriend but now they're broken up, so he's selling it on Ebay." Cooley is a local rocker, performer and one of Kochalka's buddies. Kochalka goes on to say that he promised Cooley he'd repaint the portrait so that Ashley's head was severed. After writing, "Oh, fuck her. She probably hated me anyhow and she dumped Jason. Off with her head," he does just that, and draws Ashley's disembodied head with blood dripping out of her neck.

Word on the street is that Ashley isn't happy about her recent comic fame. Can you blame her? Going through a breakup is difficult enough without pseudo-celebrities smearing you on their blogs. Hey, it's great to have friends who want to sever the heads of those who do us wrong, but c'mon -- did Kochalka really need to post that publicly?

I don't know the first thing about these people or their breakup, but I'm willing to bet some of Ashley's friends would like a public forum in which to post drawings of what they'd like to do to Cooley. It takes two to tango -- and two to breakup.

Thoughts?

Left For the Ex

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I had been dating someone and it was going great; then, BAM! — he went back to his ex. From what he says, she cheated on him, said terrible things to him and is an all-around bad person.

Why do some people go back to toxic situations, even when they have had a taste of a healthy, warm, loving relationship? Is he just addicted to the drama, or is it something deeper? Why would he be willing to go back to a situation where he was treated like shit?

I consider myself a trustworthy, loving and all-around good person — and yet I’m still single. Meanwhile, all the awful, self-centered people seem to have all the luck in love and never really get what they deserve. What gives?

Signed,
Disgusted and Confused

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Dear D & C,

Getting dumped for an ex can be especially painful because it may feel like you were just a Band-Aid, a short-term fix for his heartache while he waited to go back to her. When that Band-Aid gets ripped off, the pain is excruciating.

The truth is, if he wasn't over his ex, no amount of healthy love and warmth from you could have lured him into the light. In an ideal world, he would have had the emotional wherewithal to acknowledge his lingering feelings for his ex and not go full throttle into a relationship with you. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like he was mature enough to take your feelings and well-being into account.

Plain and simple: This guy isn't good enough for you, so it's time to stop giving him your energy. If he wants to keep banging his head against the wall with his ex, so be it. It's time for you to drop the "woe-is-me-I'm-still-single" act and refocus some positive energy on yourself — it's the only way love is going to come knockin’ on your door.

Knock, knock,
MM

Cheaters Never Prosper

Dear Mistress,

My heart is torn. My ex-girlfriend now lives 1000 miles away, but she is still in love with me, and I love her, too. Our relationship ended in July after she cheated on me in a pretty bad way. However, we've stayed in touch, and she very much wants to get back together with me. She says she's ready to change her ways and promises to be a paragon of virtue. I'm afraid to go there because I got burned last time, and I don't want to ask her to commit because I don't think she can. Also, I've been having fun on the side myself. We're basically in an open relationship at this point, but it's a gray area that I don't enjoy.

Do I hold off until August when we'll be in the same place for a while, or do I jump into a situation that I'm not 100 percent comfortable with? I'm a relationship kind of guy, but this girl is testing my ability to forgive.

Signed,
Any Middle Ground?

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Dear Any Middle Ground,

There's no way around it: Cheating sucks. She betrayed your trust and is now testing your ability to be a forgiving partner by crawling back with promises of change and virtue — pretty rotten, if you ask me. While it's possible for couples to work through infidelity, it takes copious communication, intimacy and dedicated time — things you cannot access with 1000 miles between you. Plus, if your gut is telling you she's still not ready to commit, why would you put yourself in harm's way again?

Take the next six months to focus on yourself, and suggest she do the same. You say you're having fun on the side, and you owe it to yourself to explore new relationships unencumbered by a long-distance cheating ex-lover. If, after you've spent some quality time apart, you're still in love with her, give it a go when you're in the same zip code. Until then, let her be a paragon of virtue for someone else — you've got better things to do.

Paragon of whoop-ass,
MM

Smell Ya Later

Chatting on the phone with a friend from NYC yesterday, he said a "magical New York moment" had just happened — the heat came on. It wasn't the sudden rush of warm air that hit him first, it was the smell of the old radiators kicking back to life after their summer hibernation. We discussed how scent has been scientifically deemed the most powerful nostalgia-generating sense we have. Sure, we recall things by seeing, hearing, tasting and touching, but smell — that's definitely my most powerful memory recall.

When it comes to relationships, smell memories can be a pleasant remembrance or like a sucker punch to the face, depending upon which smell is wafting your way. Like, if someone walks by smelling of sandalwood, I'm transported back to cozy times with my college girlfriend. But, if someone's wearing Calvin Klein's cKone, I'm likely to get violent.

Perfume or not, every human has a distinct smell — that's why dogs are able to track a missing person without getting confused by other humans. I'm no scientist, but from what I gather, it all has to do with pheromones — the chemicals present in animals that garner reactions from others in the species. You've heard the term "sexual chemistry," right? Well, according to many studies, a lot of chemistry comes from one's olfactory responders reacting to someone else's scent or pheromones. There's even a study from the University of Pennsylvania that says women are more relaxed and open to sex after smelling the armpits of a sweaty male. Personally, I find this to be completely true, and some of my gay male friends have also confirmed that a good, natural smelling armpit is the best aphrodisiac. I'm curious to know what lesbians would think of this study (as we all know, science likes to leave women who love women out of most studies).

How about you? Which smells turn you on? Which ones repulse you? Any thoughts on this "chemistry linked to scent" business? You can comment anonymously, if you prefer. Just make up a name and skip the email and website fields.

MM

Oral Inquiry

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I'm a young man in my mid-twenties with a pretty kickass girlfriend who I've been seeing for about four months. The sex is the best I've ever had (and I think the best she's ever had). But she doesn't let me go down on her. Every time I've tried, she squirms away and makes a face like she just smelled spoiled milk. I haven't said too much about it for fear that she has reasons she doesn't want to share, but I'm really jonesing to taste her. I really like this girl, and I want to be as close to her as possible. Help?

Signed,
Oral Optimist

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Dear O.O.,

For many women, receiving oral sex is an intensely intimate experience. For some, cunnilingus is even more intimate than intercourse, as it causes them to feel more vulnerable, exposed and out of control — all good things, if you're ready to experience them with your partner.

In all likelihood, your girl has bought into the myriad of marketing tactics that send a strong anti-vagina message to women. With all the advertising for douches, perfumes and scented wet-naps, it's a miracle that women are willing to take off their underwear. Or she could have had a negative oral experience with some jerk from her past.

Either way, the remedy is the same. Talk to her about her vagina — the more comfortable you are with her body, the more of it she'll share with you. Reassure her that you adore everything about her vagina — the feel, the smell, the wetness. Without being pushy, tell her how much you desire to be close to her most intimate body part. Gently encourage her to tell you what's up with the spoiled-milk face.

Once you've built up enough trust, your girl will most likely open up and either allow you to go down on her or explain why she's uncomfortable with oral. So you'll either be granted your deepest wish, or learn that you’ll have to respect her oral boundary.

Licks,
MM

 

One-Way Romance

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I'm in my forties and have been seeing a guy for six months. We live about an hour away from each other, and I go to his house every weekend. When we are together we usually stay around his house working on projects, relaxing or having amazing afternoon delights. The problem for me is when we are apart during the week. I freely admit I have my share of insecurities, but I feel like I get very little from him. He can go for days during the week without calling.

While at a rare social outing together this past weekend, he introduced me by the wrong name — for the second time. He laughs it off, saying he's bad with names and nervous in social situations. He tells me that I'm important to him, that he cares about me, and that I'm blowing things out of proportion. What's your take on his behavior?

Signed,
Wasting My Time in the Valley?

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Dear Wasting Time,

I hope your boyfriend likes cake — because he's got a lot of it, and he's eating it, too.

The balance in your relationship is way off. Why do you always make the trip to his place? Why does he prefer to stay in all weekend instead of showing you off to family and friends? It would be one thing if you were content with the arrangement, but you're clearly looking for more. It's time for a serious talk. This relationship is very convenient for him and will continue to be so until you set some expectations. Outline what you want from him — more effort during the week, more integration into each other's social lives, and any other needs you have that are not being met.

As for forgetting your name, I might buy his plea of social nervousness if it weren't for all the other suspicious behavior. Something isn't adding up in your relationship — and the entire surplus is on his side. If he can't fix your budget deficit, I suggest trading him in for an accountant.

Banking on you,
MM

Friendly Advice

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I feel trapped in a relationship with one of my good friends. We would be a horribly dysfunctional couple — but that hasn't stopped us from being attracted to each other for several years. We’ve tried being “just friends,” but it doesn’t usually work out, whether we are with other people or not. Both of us are unwilling and unable to sever ties, but I’m tired of feeling stuck in a relationship that isn’t really going anywhere. What should I do? Can a guy and a girl ever really be friends?

Sincerely,
Stuck

--------------------------------------

Dear Stuck,

Casual sex with friends isn't always a bad idea, but if you're feeling emotionally "stuck," it's time to make a change. Consider the expression "When one door closes, another door opens." Until you fully close the door on this relationship and release each other from the emotional choke hold, you won't be free to move on to something more fulfilling.

Of course, I'm taking your word for it and assuming that you and your friend would be the world's worst couple — though I'm curious as to why you think you'd be so dysfunctional. It seems as if something is keeping you together: Could it be that you haven't given this relationship a proper try?

Men and women can be friends, but good friendships thrive on healthy boundaries. From the sound of it, you and your "friend" are severely lacking in the boundary department. It's time to figure out the parameters of your relationship and adhere to the limits. If you can't do that, perhaps it's time to make some new friends.

Your BFF,
MM

Flicks for Chicks

Dear Mistress,

My partner of 15-plus years recently told me she'd like to try watching some porn. She says she is kind of curious. While I'm not opposed to watching porn, I'm pretty sure she doesn't know what can go on in these movies. She can be a bit conservative in the bedroom; for instance, anything anal is out of the question with her.

I've been tasked with picking a movie, and I'm hoping you can suggest something that isn't too "male fantasy"-oriented; also, no lesbian action or anal. Do they even make movies like that?

Sincerely,
I Don't Have a Witty Sign-off

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Dear IDHAWS,

You're in luck. More and more adult films are being made by women with a female audience in mind. I highly recommend Tristan Taormino's Chemistry series. Taormino throws a handful of successful porn stars together in a house — à la MTV's “The Real World” — and captures the sex on film. Sure, the actors are probably contracted to get busy, but they also participate in candid dialogue about the industry and one another. The result is porn that's more natural: The viewer actually witnesses the erotic tension mounting between the characters before they consummate on-screen, so the sex is more emotional and less robotic.

You can find Taormino's work, along with a number of other recommended titles for women, at Babeland.com. The Chemistry films I've seen do feature some girl-on-girl and anal, but that's what the fast-forward button is for. Plus, you never know, perhaps your lady will venture outside the DVD box and surprise you . . .?

That said, given your partner's list of requirements, I worry you're setting yourself up for failure by picking the movie all by yourself. Encourage her to help you select the film — go online together, read descriptions, and jointly choose a title. That way, if the porn proves unsatisfactory, you won't be in the dog house.

Plenty of witty sign-offs,
MM

P.S. For those of you who like girl-on-girl, anal and more, check out some of my other favorite porn directed by women:

The Bi Apple, directed by Audacia Ray
Crash Pad, from Pink and White Productions
Sugar High Glitter City, directed by Jackie Strano and Shar Rednour

Souvenir Squabble

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I'm a 32-year-old woman, and I've been dating my girlfriend for a little over a year. We just moved in together, and I'm finding myself a little perplexed by something she calls her "memory chest." It's a smallish chest that holds all her old diaries and birthday cards, which is fine — but it holds relationship mementos, too.

We live in a small city and state. I know all her exes and see them regularly at gay functions. Do I really have to live with their old jewelry, concert tickets and panties under my bed? (Yes, there's even a pair of panties in the "memory chest.")

Signed,
Lupe Lesbian

-----------------------------------------

Dear Lupe,

Moving in with your mate is a big step and often presents unforeseen challenges — like the introduction of a "memory chest." However, in this case, the problem is less about the inanimate objects in the chest and more about your jealousy.

Just because your girl keeps remembrances of relationships past doesn't mean she's stepping out on you or pining after her exes. Furthermore, keepsakes from past experiences can be a healthy reminder of love lessons learned — which can benefit you. As for the panties, do you know the story behind them (or, should I say, in them)? Talk to her about the items in the chest: If you take away some of their mystery, they may become less threatening to you. Remember, every one of them represents an experience that has made her who she is today — the woman you love.

That said, it's not out of line for you to ask for a compromise. If you are truly uncomfortable with these souvenirs being stored under your bed, suggest that the chest be kept in a hall closet or other neutral space.

Above all else, remember that while her memory chest is cold and lonely under the bed, you're the one warm and cozy in it with your lady.

Wishing you memorable chests,
MM

Cyber Exes

Rachel over at Positively Sexy posted an interesting entry yesterday about "cyber exes." As easy as it is to keep up with people via social networking sites, do we hang on to our exes too long? Sure, some exes remain genuine friends, thereby making it perfectly acceptable to check out their status updates and wall postings on Facebook. But, what about the exes you broke up with for a reason who just remain on your friends list? Why do you care if they're drinking a latte or if they change their relationship status? Maybe it's time to cut the cord? Rachel says:

"Evaluate and decide: would you invest this much time in your ex if it meant seeing them face-to-face? If not, it's time to cut the e-heartstrings and move on."

Now there's some virtual food for thought.

Happy deleting,
MM

Alone Time

I received an interesting comment in response to this week's column, "Moment of Clarity." Big Al, a long-time commenter posted this:

"Another item is that I'm willing to bet good money there's someone else fueling this. He didn't just go out for a bender one night and decide he wants to be alone. No one leaves a relationship to be alone unless they got dumpted or were abused, if you ask me."

I agree with Big Al until he says that no one leaves a relationship on his/her own accord to be alone. I can't get behind that because I've left a long-term relationship (and several dating scenarios) to be alone — either it just wasn't right, or I knew I had some growing to do. I also have at least two friends who've done the same thing. To be fair, I also know plenty of relationships that ended due to extreme circumstances like cheating, abuse and jail time (which is what I think Big Al was getting at).

Anywho, I thought it was interesting and wanted to get your thoughts. I mean, it wouldn't be the first time my point of view was far afield from the "norm." What do you think? Have you ever broken up with someone to be alone? You can leave your comments anonymously, if you choose. Just make up a name and skip the last two fields.

MM

Moment of Clarity?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Two weeks ago, my live-in boyfriend of almost a year went out for a night of drinking (unusual for him) and didn't come home until the next evening, and only to tell me he was leaving me and moving out. He says he still loves me, but he had "a moment of clarity" that night and knows that I am "not The One." How can one "know" something like that when even he admits he had no idea anything was wrong until that night of binge drinking, but now he can "never go back"? Even though he says he loves me more than he's ever loved anyone, he refuses to put any effort into fixing the relationship or even hoping for it to work itself out in time.
   
Then, today, I caught him in our room (even though it's mine now, and he has moved out) masturbating to photos of me and using my underwear.
   
What am I supposed to make of all this? Is there a chance this relationship could be salvaged?

Sincerely,
Dumped Drawers

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Dear Drawers,

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but your boy is not being honest with you. People don't think a relationship is hunky-dory one day and then decide to end it after a 24-hour date with Jose Cuervo. Perhaps your guy was having doubts about your relationship and needed a little liquid courage to end it?

As for him unloading in your undies — he can't have it both ways. He said goodbye to you and your panties when he walked out the door, so you must demand that he stop using your underwear as a spankerchief. Perhaps the quickest way to get him back (if you really want him) is to set strong boundaries and give him a taste of being alone with only his own tighty-whities to comfort him.

No visible panty lines,
MM

Breathless

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I've been out a few times with a guy I find very interesting and sexy. I think the feeling is mutual, but I have one concern: He has bad breath. I noticed it the first time we met, but I just figured he was nervous and had dry mouth or something. The second and third times we hung out, I noticed the same smell. It's not a food odor, like garlic or onions; it's more like morning breath.

I have made out with him, and it actually didn't bother me all that much. I'm more worried about talking, snuggling and getting close. I'm just not sure I'll be able to stand it if it's going to be an ongoing thing.

How do I clue him in to his foul breath without totally offending him?

Help!
Waiting to Exhale

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Dear Waiting,

Girl, your hunk has halitosis.

In all likelihood, your beau simply needs to pay more attention to his tongue and gums when he's brushing his teeth. While bad breath can be caused by a number of things, from acid reflux to gum disease, my dentist tells me it's generally caused by bacteria on the tongue.

Try offering him a mint or gum when you hang out. After you offer the breath aids on a couple of occasions, he'll probably get the hint.  However, if your relationship progresses along with his bad breath, you'll have to talk with him about it. After all, wouldn't you want to know if you were odiferously offending your mate?

Talking to a partner about personal hygiene issues can be a delicate matter. No matter how you deliver the news, it's likely to bruise his ego. Choose a close moment to bring up the subject, so he feels connected to you. Start by saying how much you like him, then let him know you've noticed his breath on a few occasions. Tell him you want to be intimate with him, and you don't want something as silly as bad breath to get in the way.

Minty fresh,
MM

Rebound Reservation

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I'm a guy in my late twenties, and I'm seeing this woman who is going through divorce. Technically, she's still married, but claims to be over her soon-to-be ex-husband. I don't really have any moral dilemma with dating her. I'm more worried about getting caught up in a "rebound" situation.
My friends, especially my female friends, keep warning me to be careful. Do rebound relationships ever work out? I've been a bachelor by choice for a long time, but I really like this girl.

Sincerely,
Boundless

---------------------------

Dear Boundless,

Your friends are right to warn you about rebound relationships. While some rebounds do last, the vast majority end tout de suite.

With your lady friend just coming out of a marriage, she may be looking instantly to recoup the comfort and stability she lost in the break-up. She may also experience distorted perception, meaning she could fall for someone more quickly than is prudent, or go for someone she normally wouldn't choose (no offense, Boundless). Either way, once she's clear of the emotional entanglements of her last relationship, she'll most likely move on from the rebound, too, unless you're careful.

Ask yourself some questions: Does she speak of her ex on a regular basis, more than you'd like her to? Do you sometimes feel like a therapist, rather than a boyfriend? Did she fall head over heels for you after two dates? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you may have a classic rebound on your hands.

Don't get left in the dust by a rebounder on the rampage. I can't stress this enough: Slow down. Do not rush into a big commitment to her. If she truly likes you, she'll understand your concerns and honor your request to take things slowly.

Good luck,
MM

Come-unication

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My boyfriend has no control over his orgasms. Or, more to the point, he can't seem to let me know when he's about to come. If I had a dollar for every time I've been hit in the face or had an unexpected mouthful, I'd be a very rich girl.

The last straw occurred last night when we were messing around, and he got me in the eye. Talk about painful! Then, this morning, I had to explain to my workers that I didn't have pink-eye.

I have asked him numerous times to simply let me know when he's about to come — say something, tap my hand, pull my hair, ANYTHING! He says he goes into a trance-like state before he comes and has a hard time remembering to alert me. Is he kidding?! Mistress, what can I do to make him understand how rude he is?

Signed,
Lack of Come-unication

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Dear L.o.C,

There's nothing worse than someone's little swimmers doing laps on your eyeball. I too have arrived for work with one bloodshot peeper — not attractive, and truly painful. Girl, you need to flush that eye out completely before going to sleep!

As for your boyfriend and his inability to communicate, it's time to have a chat. From the sound of your letter, you're not emotionally scarred by his failure to forewarn; however, it's important for him to listen to your needs and try his best to accommodate you. Lose the sarcasm, sit him down and sincerely explain that you'd enjoy sex with him much more if he could be a better communicator.

You might also try your best to learn his body language. Before orgasm, a guy's testicles will be drawn up close to the body, his muscles will tense, and his breathing will often change. Get to know your man's unique signals. If you sense the moment is coming, get out of the way. Although, I must say, I prefer being in the line of fire . . .

The Master Come-unicator,
MM

Boys on the Side

Dear Mistress,

Throughout our many years, my man and I have talked about having an open relationship but have never really pushed it. We've said that we'll use our best judgment and just talk about it after it happens — unless we really feel a need to get the other's blessing beforehand.

We have a new mutual friend, and I'm feeling like a lust-struck teenager. I get the feeling that we'd have great sex, and I think we could keep it casual. I also think it would be worth the discussion that would be required with my man later. I have a burning desire to get some sexual frustration out on someone different, which I think could spark up my relationship. With this friend, it would just be a thing on the side and not a three-way.

I really just want some new, good sex without any real strings, discussion or work. Is this too complicated to attempt? We like to think that we'd be OK with it, but can we really know until it happens?

Signed,
Lustily Waiting

Dear L.W.,

Non-monogamous relationships are possible — but pulling them off "without any real strings, discussion or work" is not.

I'm concerned for you and your man. Engaging in sex outside the relationship without talking about it first is a mistake. The only non-monogamous relationships I've seen work have included many pre-game discussions, ground rules and negotiations. Without these things in place, the inevitable aftermath will be almost insurmountable. (Lest you think otherwise, there will be emotional aftermath to sex outside the relationship, no matter how much planning you've done.)

If you really want to pursue hot sex with someone other than your man, here's what you do: Talk to your partner. Discuss why you want to seek pleasure with someone else. Really search yourselves and, as difficult as it may be, imagine how each one of you will feel when the other walks through the door after having had a sexual experience with someone else. What will you say? Will you discuss details? How will you really feel — jealous, hurt, turned on? Believe me, you don't want to wait until afterwards to navigate this terrain.

Another thing: Do not let your first experience be with a mutual friend — talk about drama! One couple I know has very specific rules about this — the encounter has to be out of town with someone the other partner does not know. Furthermore, it's a one-time deal — no repeat performances that could lead to any sort of emotional bonding. For them, physical intimacy with a third party is fine, but emotional intimacy is an indiscretion. I'm not saying it's the best way to go about non-monogamy, but it works for that couple.

And why not have a threesome? Is having sex with your partner really that unappetizing? If both of you are involved, sex with other people could be a dream come true instead of a nightmare.

MM

P.S. This should go without saying, but be certain you're practicing safe sex and using common sense when you bring anyone new into your bedroom.

Mind Your Business

My Dear Mistress:

I'm male and have a female coworker with whom I occasionally engage in risqué, albeit innocent, sexual banter. In the past, we've exchanged our fair share of dating horror stories — hers typically involving the feeble attempts by men to gain access to her pants; mine were more along the lines of scary first dates trying to probe my hindquarters with kitchen-like appliances. Admittedly, our mutual war stories subsided considerably after I began dating someone seriously — she's still single — though she still shares her odd male encounters, and we share a hearty laugh over them.
   
Until now, that is. Recently, I thought nothing of telling my coworker about a rather vivid and juicy sex dream I had — about her. Yes, I restrained myself and wasn't graphic in the least — just the broadest of strokes, as it were. The thing is, she seemed instantly offended by my candor, and now there's this weird tension between us. I have no real fear of my coworker taking legal or employment action against me — she's way too cool for that. However, I definitely want things to be cool between us again.

Yes, I am willing to apologize, but I must confess, I feel like she's being quite the hypocrite. She shares all her gross lube stories and dicey encounters with scary, nether-region piercings, but I let slip one nocturnal emission about her, and all bets are off. What's up with that shit?!

Signed,
What Dreams May Come

Dear W.D.M.C.,

Far be it from me, the queen of inappropriate chat around the water cooler, to scold you. However, let this be a lesson to you: Talking about sex at work is risky business.

Here's where you went wrong: Your previous cubicle confessions were always about trysts with other people. Your dream, on the other hand, was about you and her. It's inherently more intimate and brings the conversation to an entirely different level. You're admitting that you've thought about having sex with her, consciously or not. If this woman bares all about her casual sex life to coworkers, sounds like she's got some intimacy and boundary issues of her own — and now they're yours to navigate.

Perhaps she's worried you were hitting on her, despite your having a girlfriend. Or, more likely, perhaps those "broad strokes" you mentioned weren't the only ones she had in mind before you got into your current relationship. Maybe she was hoping to make your dream her reality — and now you're taken.

Regardless of her reasons, she's clearly uncomfortable, and it's time to clear the air. If you hang out with her outside the workplace, address her in person. Tell her how much her friendship means to you and take full responsibility for crossing the line (however unintentional it may have been). If you don't generally see her outside work, send her an email — you don't want to create further discomfort on the job.

MM

P.S. You don't let first dates probe your hindquarters with kitchen appliances? You should try it sometime; you might like it.

Stalks and Bonds

Dear Mistress Maeve,

This seems a bit platonic for your column, but here I am.

Seven months ago, I tried to break off all relations with a friend of mine after a discussion over boundaries and the nature of our friendship ended in her attempting suicide. Ever since then she has refused to leave me alone, backing off when I complain but inevitably coming back; the longest she's left me alone is two months, usually much less. I've yelled at her, threatened her with the police, threatened her with my boyfriend, asked her nicely, and just plain ignored her, yet she persists in her cheerful demands for forgiveness and friendship.

I believe she's a good person, that she has healed from her problems, and I wish her the best, but I just don't feel like speaking to her, certainly not on her terms, anyway. How can I peacefully get her to leave me alone without involving the police?

Signed,
Plagued

Hey Plagued,

You're right; this is a little beyond the scope of my column — but a relationship is a relationship, right?

Sounds like you've got a "friend" with severe boundary issues. Without knowing her mental health status or the exact nature of your friendship prior to its demise, it's difficult to assess the situation. However, it seems like your current issues with her have little to do with the past.

Nobody likes to feel pressured or "stalked." That she doesn't respect your wishes is unacceptable — that her advances remain cheerful despite your threats is just plain creepy.

Until now, you've made only empty threats — and she clearly knows you're bluffing. It's time for you to follow through. No more yelling, no more boyfriend threats. Be smart — reach out to a police officer or lawyer and learn your options. Call her; don't wait for her to call you. Set up a meeting in a public place where neither of you is likely to cause a scene, like a coffee shop. Bring a trusted, levelheaded friend or family member with you — someone who will respectfully witness your conversation. Calmly express to her that you're proud of her progress and wish her the best, but make it clear that you no longer want to have contact with her. Assure her that you will take legal action this time if she reaches out to you in any way. Make sure she understands and then calmly leave.

The most important thing is — if she contacts you after this conversation, you have to make good on your ultimatum. Do not do anything stupid and get yourself in trouble; go through the proper channels.

Good luck,
MM

Alone, Together

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My boyfriend and I have a great relationship, and I think our sex life is good. We have sex two to three times per week, but I also know he masturbates on days we don't have sex.

I've tried to get him to masturbate in front of me, encouraging him by saying I would also touch myself. He's never flat out refused, but we've never done it. How can I get both of us masturbating together?

Signed,
Timid Toucher

Dear T.T.,

It's healthy for your boyfriend to masturbate independently of you. Contrary to what you may think, you don't need to be present every time he spills his seed.

People have a tendency to view self-pleasure as a substitute for the "real thing" — and surely, sometimes it is. However, in my world, masturbation is an integral part of an overall healthy sex life. If you're still being intimate on a regular basis, I wouldn't worry about his solo missions. In fact, you might consider more often going to the dance unchaperoned, too — if you know what I'm saying.

That said, mutual masturbation can be fun, and I encourage you to try it. The next time the two of you are feeling amorous, reach down and start touching yourself. (I don't know many guys who will balk at this move.) After he's sufficiently turned on by your solo ministrations, take his hands and place them on his wand. He should get the hint, but if not — be ready to whisper something naughty to him about wanting to watch him perform.

If he's shy, you may be doing most of the performing, but have fun with it. Put on a good one-woman show, and you two will be performing as a duet in no time.

One-handed wave,
MM

Tinkle Tryst

Dear Mistress,

I have this lingering, back-of-my-mind fantasy about golden showers. I recently mentioned to my boyfriend that I sometimes enjoy pissing as I orgasm while masturbating in the shower. This led to us being curious about him pissing inside of me during some sexy shower time. Just the discussion led to a sensational feeling, and I am wondering if this is actually plausible.

However much this idea turns me on, it doesn't seem terribly sanitary — and complications and infections are simply not risks I'm willing to take.

So, all-knowing Mistress, please tell me: Is my fantasy able to be fulfilled, or something better left to the imagination and dirty talk?

Sincerely,
A Curious Kink

Dear C.K.,

Actually, urine is one of the human body’s most "sanitary" fluids. Pee is sterile when it's inside the body, and barring any transfer of bacteria as it exits the urethra, it's pretty clean when it comes out, too. My friends at Planned Parenthood of Northern New England tell me that water sports like what you're describing aren't too risky.

Kudos to you and your boyfriend for being open to golden showers. Some people cast aside the idea as too "icky" or taboo, all the while not fully realizing how sensual and intimate pee play can be. Start slowly and enjoy the warming sensation of the liquid on your skin. For ease and cleanliness, this type of play is best performed in the shower.

There is one potential problem with your tinkle tryst — most men can't urinate when they have an erection. When a guy gets hard, a little valve in his penis switches to let only semen pass. If your beau is turned on, he may not be able to perform; hence, the golden shower will most likely have to be the prologue or the epilogue to your streaming story.

Showering you with love,
MM