From Wallflower to Flirt

Dear Mistress Maeve,

In last week's Seven Days, you told a woman how to break away from her guy friends (a.k.a friends with benefits) in hopes of finding more substantive relationships. I'm in a similar situation, so thanks for the advice. But I have a follow-up question.

When I'm out on the town — can you share some tips on how to get a guy's attention? I'm shy and need to learn how to break the ice.

Thanks,
Wallflower

Dear Wallflower,

If you're shy, perhaps going "out on the town" isn't the best dating avenue for you. Have you ever considered signing up for a class or volunteering for an organization to meet prospective mates? Think about it — if you're both in a cooking class or volunteering for your favorite charity, you already have something in common.

Whether you're out on the town or at a community event, the guide to flirtation remains the same. Once you've scouted out the guy, check for a wedding ring (or a tan line, indicating the ring is stuffed in his pocket). If the coast is clear, begin with a simple smile in his direction and some subtle eye contact. The key is to indicate that you find him attractive without coming off as a potential stalker.

If he's returning your overtures, it's safe to move in. (Yes, woman can make the first move, too.) Introduce yourself with a firm, but not industrial-strength, handshake. If he seems pleased to meet you, continue with small talk, sprinkled with questions about his interests. Let's face it: Most people love to talk about themselves, so it's a great icebreaker. Interject witty banter when you can, and be sure to mirror his body language. If his elbow is on the bar, put your elbow on the bar. If he's rubbing his belly and patting his head, you do the same. Studies show that mirroring body language puts people at ease, and it's a common practice among salespeople when they want to "close a deal."

After you've been chatting for a while, if you still fancy him, you need to ask the question: Would you like to go out sometime? Contrary to some old-fashioned rules about dating, it's OK for the woman to ask the man out. Just be ready for the full gamut of possible responses. He could respond positively, or he could tell you he already has a girlfriend. Regardless of his response, remain calm and keep your wits about you. If he says yes, get his number or arrange a date. If he declines — hey, at least you tried. In this dating game, practice makes perfect.

Good luck,
MM

Batter Up

Dear Mistress Maeve,

It has recently dawned on me that I have become one of "those" girls.  Now, I know there are several different definitions for what exactly "those" girls are, but I am of the variety that sleeps with her friends.

I hang out strictly with guys. I love beer, baseball and bacon. I am completely comfortable with my boys. Which is probably why they tend to be the ones I get naked with.

The problem is, these boys are more likely to give my hair a friendly tousle than a sexy tug. And while the physical stuff can be good — hell, great, even — I tend to have the classic girl reaction and fall a little bit in love. Meanwhile, the guy tends to have the classic guy reaction — as in, he rolls over. Or worse, he expects me to return to my previous roll of “wingman” the very next night.

But how can I meet someone new when the only opener I know is to punch a guy in the shoulder and say, “How 'bout dem Sox?” Help, MM — I need a boy that isn’t one of my boyz.

Signed,
Bosom Buddy

Dear B.B.,

I've got news for you: You're a hot commodity! Do you have any idea how many men would give their right arm to meet a girl who can hang with the guys, crack open a beer and watch the game?

But you're never going to hit a home run if you keep allowing your guy friends to make a line drive to your bedroom door. If you're ready for a more serious relationship, stop sleeping with the pinch hitters (i.e., your guy friends). Unless, of course, one of them shows some genuine love interest in you — which is probably unlikely, when you keep letting lesser players slide into home.

And one more thing: Hanging with the guys is all well and good, but it's time for you to get some single gal pals. Haven't you seen "Sex and the City"? We need to stick together. Leave the boys in the dugout for a night and take the ladies out of the bullpen. They may not know as much about baseball, beer or bacon, but they're more likely to help you hit one out of the ballpark.

On deck,
MM

Captive Audience

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My boyfriend of a year and a half has always been forthcoming about his interest in getting tied up during sex. I'm open to the idea, but I'm just curious: Why do people want to get tied up? It seems counterintuitive to me. I mean, don't you want to be able to move and touch and feel during sex? When I ask him, he just says, "It's hot." Yeah, I get that, but there has to be more to it, right?

I have the bedposts and the silk scarves. I just need the reasons why.

Best,
Knotty Girl

Dear Knotty,

Let me ask you this: Why do people ride rollercoasters? Because it's a way to feel out of control and exhilarated in a (relatively) safe environment. Of course, comparing rollercoasters to bondage is far too simplistic, but it's a good place to start.

Your beau could simply want to try something new, or he could have deeper motivations. Some people find intense freedom through relinquishing control in the bedroom — being "forced" into enjoying sexual acts can release all kinds of pent-up emotion. Ultimately, you need to talk with your boyfriend and let him know that you're happy to sling him up, but you'd get more enjoyment from the experience if he shared more of his feelings with you.

Knotty, I commend you on your willingness to explore your partner's desires and your eagerness to learn what lies beneath his craving for captivity. Who knows: With a little experience, you might enjoy keeping your man fit to be tied.

Just remember, don't tie his limbs too tightly, and always check to see that his extremities aren't numb or tingly — you don't want poor circulation binding you up.

Captivatingly yours,
MM

Oral Support

Mistress Maeve,

Hetero guy here with a minor problem. I enjoy giving oral quite a lot, and I’d love to be better at it. My problem is that I have trouble getting feedback from my current girlfriend on the topic; my questions on the finer points seem to hit a brick wall with her. I do the usual “tongue on clit, fingers in vagina” routine, and she says it’s “fine.”

You’d think, for obvious reasons, that she’d have an interest in helping me improve my skills, but she just doesn’t seem to care about it as much as I do. I’m not really sure if the problem is rooted more in sexuality or communication, but I’d be grateful for any advice.

Thanks,
MH

Dear MH,

Have you ever considered that you’re doing just “fine?"

When a partner goes down on me, I don’t need any fancy Cirque du Soleil acrobatics of the tongue. Give me constant pressure on my clit with the tongue, some penetration with the fingers and — voilà! — amazing orgasm every time.

Men (and women, too) can focus too much on the theatrics of sex and lose sight of what’s truly mind-blowing — knowing what your partner needs to bring him or her to orgasm. If your girlfriend is having orgasms and isn’t giving you notes on your performance, perhaps you should take it as a compliment.

Don’t get me wrong: There’s something to be said for switching up your routine. But instead of suggesting an oral lesson to enhance her pleasure, ask her to open up for your sake. Some people respond better when they feel they’re accommodating their partner. If she knew it would turn you on and fulfill your needs, maybe she wouldn’t stop at “fine.”

Orally yours,
MM

P.S. I know some of you will have even more advice for MH (and more room than I had in the paper to respond), so have at it — show me whatcha got. Remember, you can comment anonymously, just skip the email field.

Flying Solo

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My live-in boyfriend is a chronic masturbator. I wouldn’t mind so much if he would also pay sexual attention to me more than three to four times per month. I've tried wearing kinky outfits for him and asking flat out for sex, but he would rather go online and masturbate to porn.  I don't care if he wants to masturbate, but kicking me out of the bedroom so he can jerk off to porn doesn't seem right.

I'm not a guy, so I don’t understand why men would want to look at a bunch of pixels on a screen, day after day, rather than touch a warm, ready, and willing person who loves them dearly. Please help me; I don’t know what to do.

Lost to Pixels

Dear L to P,

In general, I have no problem with men (or women, for that matter) who would prefer, every once in a while, to pop on some porn and get off solo-style. Let's face it — the idea of having sex with a partner after a long, stressful day at the office or with the kids can sometimes seem too laborious a task to undertake. Because getting off relieves tension and stress, couples should encourage masturbation for the betterment of their relationships.

That said, your man is doing it all wrong. Perhaps he's indulging his more prurient fetishes online? Whatever the reason, there's no excuse for kicking you out of the bedroom on a regular basis. The two of you need to have a serious talk. Calmly and without judgment, tell him how his actions are affecting you and your relationship. See what he has to say about his one-handed-typing escapades — he might reveal some of his own issues about the relationship. Most importantly, let him know that unless his solos become duets, you'll be singing a different tune all together.

Masturbation is great, but only when the outcome is blissful orgasm and not hurt feelings. Lay down the law about him laying you down — or leave him behind.

Kisses,
MM

Double Time

Dear Mistress Maeve,

For the last couple years, I’ve been enjoying a convenient relationship with a guy who lives four hours away. We dated in college, and now we email, talk on the phone (read: have phone sex) and see each other every few months for a weekend. I do care about him, and I think he cares about me too — but we’re both too realistic to bring our relationship to the next level. Neither one of us is ready to move.

Now, here comes the monkey wrench. I recently met a great guy who lives here in Vermont. We’ve been on two dates, had our first (great) kiss, and we already have another date planned. I have a good feeling about him, but what do I do about my relationship of convenience? Should I tell him I’ve started dating someone else? Do I have to stop having phone sex?! What would you do, Mistress?

Thanks,
Two Timin’

Dear TT,

What would I do? Pop the champagne! You’ve hit the casual dating jackpot — you’ve got one long-distance stud to call when you’re horny and one Vermont cutie to take you out on the town. As long as things remain casual, you can continue dating both gentlemen; however, if one of them asks if you’re seeing anyone else, it’s best to be honest. Don’t go overboard with the details — simply let him know that until your relationship gets more serious, you consider yourself a free agent.

Dating multiple people can be a great time for self-reflection — it forces you to think about what you truly desire from a partner and from life. Just be sure to keep your conscience clean. You won’t always be able to protect others from hurt feelings, but you can do your best to navigate potential dating disasters with kindness. As soon as you feel your heart tugging strongly in one direction, let the other guy go immediately — no one likes to be played for a fool.

Oh, and one last thing — while you may not be in danger of your two hunks’ running into each other on Church Street, you should still be careful not to call out the wrong name during naughty phone time.

Ring, ring,
MM

Oh, Baby!

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My boyfriend has an unusual kink. When we’re having sex, he likes to talk about impregnating me. Even though I’m on the pill, he likes to pretend we’re trying to get pregnant. He has asked me to say things like, “Make me a baby” and “Make my belly grow.”

In the beginning, I played along because I was flattered that he trusted me enough to share his fantasy, but now he wants it all the time. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but his fantasy does not turn me on. If our relationship develops and we end up getting married and starting a family, I don’t want getting pregnant to be a dirty act — I want it to be beautiful.

I don’t mind indulging him sometimes, but I how can I tell him to cool it on the pregnancy talk without scarring him or making him feel like I’ve been lying to him all along?

Thanks,
Prepartum Depression

Dear PD,

Impregnation fantasies are not uncommon, so don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.
A simple online search turns up many sites offering erotic stories and explanations about impregnation fetishes. Most resources say that men enjoy the idea of impregnating their partners because it makes them feel potent and virile. Some people argue that human males have an animalistic need to spread their seed; thus, men with impregnation fantasies are simply acting out their most base instincts.

Talk with your man about his fantasy. Ask him questions about why he likes the idea of impregnating you and how he came to crave it. I don’t like playing in anyone’s fantasyland without knowing the terrain, plus it’s more erotic when you know the source of the kink. Also, let him know how you’re feeling — he won’t alter his behavior if he doesn’t know it’s bothering you.

The bottom line is, if you’re uncomfortable with this kink, don’t participate. Sex with your partner should make you feel good, not labored (pun intended). If you and your partner cannot come to a better understanding about this issue, it might be time for you to give birth to a new relationship.

Later, baby,
MM

What do you think?

Opinion Polls & Market Research

Spring Break

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I was with my first (and only) boyfriend for three years, but after an argument, he broke up with me. I was heartbroken, but then a week later he announced he wanted to get back together. Before I leapt back into the relationship, I wanted to be sure I wasn’t setting myself up for another disaster, so we decided to go on a “break” and see how we felt. During our few weeks apart, he was really bugging me, asking me nearly every day if I had made up my mind, because he only had eyes for me.

Eventually, I told him that I’d like to start over and take things slowly. He agreed and was ecstatic. However, shortly afterwards, I found out that he had slept with a mutual friend during our short “break.” I don’t know what to think; technically, we weren’t dating at the time. He has cheated before, but I gave him a second chance. Should I reconsider my decision?

Sincerely,
Lonely and Confused

Dear L&C,

You made the right decision by taking a break from him — but was it really a break? When a relationship enters troubled waters, it’s often smart to take a breather, clear your head and search your heart, but how could you do that with him pressuring you for answers?

Taking a break can create gray area and requires some strategic planning. Couples will often limit communication during their time apart, and they generally set ground rules for seeing other people. If you failed to do that, I would ordinarily say that he has a leg to stand on. But in his case, he should have told you about his sexual encounter before he allowed you to rekindle your relationship.

Some people say, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” I don’t know if that’s always true, but with his cheating past and current dishonesty, you need to take a real break from this relationship. Tell him you want a month apart with limited contact. You say this is your first and only relationship — perhaps you should agree to see other people and go out on some dates yourself. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and not all of them cheat and lie.

Kisses,
MM

Everlasting Love

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I’m gay and in a long-term relationship with a man I love. The sex is great, but I wish I could stay harder longer — as soon as I insert my banana into his split, it’s all over. I come instantly, leaving him wanting more. He turns me on so much that I can’t control myself.

I’ve seen a lot of information online about how to stay hard using desensitizing creams, but can you tell me what actually works?

Sincerely,
Floppy Joe

Dear F.J.,

While desensitizing creams are harmless and can do the trick, why would you want to decrease sensation during sex? These products contain lidocaine, the major ingredient in anti-itch creams and dental anesthetic. Sexy? I think not.

Instead of numbing your penis, practice controlling ejaculation on your own. Start by masturbating with a dry hand. Bring yourself close to orgasm, then back off. Keep yourself aroused, but do not allow yourself to ejaculate. Repeat this exercise for as long as you can stand it and be sure to take note of your body’s cues — the more you know about how your body works, the better you will become at controlling the “Big O.”

Once you’re better able to control orgasm with a dry-hand stroke, try the exercise with your favorite lube. The next step is to repeat this regiment with your partner, adding oral stimulation to your erection workout. Be sure to pay attention to your breathing and relaxation — men report a notable difference in ejaculation control when they add deep, deliberate breathing to lovemaking.

The old adage is true — practice does make perfect. If you set aside a little time for my recommended workout, you’ll be pumping more than iron in no time.

Everlasting love,
MM

Kiss Miss?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I recently dove headfirst back into the dating pool, and I have to admit that I’m a little out of practice. I’ve been out on a few dates so far. Most of them were bad, with the exception of one. She and I really hit it off. At the end of the date I wanted to kiss her, but I chickened out because I didn’t want to offend her by coming on too strong.

I know this question is probably lame in comparison to the other, juicier letters you receive, but is it OK to go in for the kiss on the first date?

Thanks,
Shy Guy

Dear S.G.,

No question about love or lust is too small to tackle. Besides, without courtship and kissing, we’d never get it on. Capiche?

I think kissing on the first date is fine, as long as a few key things are in place — undeniable chemistry, strong eye contact and blatant “kiss me” body language (if she’s touching your arm while she's talking to you and holding your gaze for moments at a time, she probably won’t cringe at a kiss).

To be safe, you should follow a few first-kiss rules. Firstly, compliment her. Tell her you had a great time with her and that you hope to see her again soon. Next, ask for the kiss. It’s extremely hot to hear, “I’d really like to kiss you right now.” She’ll either give you the go-ahead or explain why she prefers to wait. In which case, no harm done — you’ve given her the ultimate compliment.
And please, if she gives you permission to kiss her, go easy. Take your time. Pull her in close, touch her face and do not jam your tongue down her throat. Your first kiss should be sweet, and preferably closed mouthed.

Smooches,
MM

Lost and Found

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I had a nasty breakup with someone in December 2005. What made it worse is that we had sex just before the breakup, even though I could tell it was over. The sex was bad and emotionally painful. I have dated since then, but unsuccessfully.

After almost two years, I was getting “hungry,” so an old friend and I decided to hook up. I had been somewhat attracted to him during college but always had a boyfriend when he and I would hang out. We spent a few weeks talking online about hooking up, which was a real turn-on. We finally had sex this past weekend and, I must say, I felt clumsy, uneasy, and like I was holding back. I have always felt like a strong sexual being; before now, I didn’t have to be in a “relationship” to enjoy sex. Is there a way to reclaim and be comfortable with my sexuality again, without therapy?

Sincerely,
Lost

Dear Lost,

I’ve got one word for you: relax. It’s natural to be nervous and clumsy when you get back into the game after a dry spell. It’s upsetting to feel like your mojo is waning, but don’t overlook the positive — you’re learning and growing. You survived a bad relationship and breakup, you took some time for yourself, and now you’re ready to get back into the swing of things. This is an exciting time in your life!

As we evolve, our sexual needs and desires change. You may not be able to perform as well with someone you’re not in love with — and that’s OK. You don’t need to participate in casual sex to let your inner sex kitten run free. If you want intimacy with your orgasms, I suggest taking things slowly. Build trust — and sexual tension — with someone you like, then give sex another try.
You strike me as a strong, smart person — look inside yourself and see this as an opportunity to grow. And remember that even the strongest people need a little help sometimes. If you’re feeling confused and overwhelmed, go ahead and see a therapist — couldn’t we all use an hour a week devoted to ourselves?

XOXO,
MM

Bi the Way...

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I am a single woman in my late thirties, never been married but have had several long-term relationships. I’m currently single and dating here and there. I’m writing to you because I’ve recently come to a realization that troubles me. I’m finding that I’m most attracted to bisexual men. Time and again, I’ve enjoyed my relationships with bisexual men much more than those with heterosexual men. When I’m with a straight man, I tend to feel boxed into the heterosexual norm, and eventually feel frustrated and bored. I just feel that bisexual men are more sensitive, and therefore make better partners. Plus, the idea of two men together turns me on like nothing else!

Am I the only woman who feels this way? Is it wrong or somehow discriminatory to be attracted to only one cross section of the male population? Also, how do I find bisexuals to date without coming out and asking men if they find other guys attractive?

Thanks,
All Bi Myself

Dear ABM,

Back off, sister. The line for hot, eligible bi guys starts behind me.

Listen, don’t second guess who you’re attracted to — just go for it. I understand that you don’t want to be narrow-minded in your search for a man, but if bi guys float your boat, I say full steam ahead. In this world of easy-access pornography, it’s not hard to see how society fetishizes entire groups of people: fat women, little people, transsexuals, etc. This type of pornography can be degrading and lead to abnormal sexual fixation by porn consumers. But I don’t get the sense that this is what’s happening for you. You’re simply saying that, after a bevy of experiences with different men, you find relationships more fulfilling with bisexual men on a number of levels.

One caution — it’s shortsighted to call one whole group of men “more sensitive” than another (believe me, I’ve met some sickeningly sweet straight men). However, I can see where many bisexual men would be more sensitive, given how much self awareness and courage it takes to come out of the closet in this uber-masculine, heterosexist world.

As for finding bisexual guys to date, you have to be proactive. Take out a Seven Days personals ad for now, and then hit up the Vermont Pride events this summer. In our rural state, you’re going to have to network to find a suitable boy who goes both ways.

Bi, bi,
MM

Call Girl

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I got a girl's phone number on Saturday night. How long do I wait to call? I always thought it was three days, but I've seen everything online from "call immediately" to "wait seven days." I'm tired of being single, and I just want a date with no drama. What's the right answer?

Steve

Dear Steve,

I can tell you right off the bat that the answer is neither "immediately" or "wait seven days." If you wait a full week, the woman is likely to think you weren't really interested in her, and when you do call, she might be put off by your seemingly lackadaisical attitude. If you call immediately, you run the risk of appearing overeager — it's true, some girls do like a little bit of a challenge.

Thus, the age-old question still lingers — what's the appropriate waiting period? If you asked me this question ten years ago, I would have said to call early on the third day. You meet her on Saturday night, and you call her Tuesday morning. However, we now live in a world where everything is at our fingertips 24/7, and we do not like to wait for what we desire. That said, I believe the average appropriate wait time is now two days. You met her on Saturday night, so call her Monday. She'll know you're truly interested in her, and if she likes you too, she'll be glad you called sooner rather than later.

Of course, our high-tech world does leave room in the dating game for variations on the two-day rule. For instance, if you get her cell phone number, you could drop her a text message later that evening or the following day saying that you enjoyed meeting her and that you look forward to giving her a call. If you both happen to be on MySpace, it's okay to make a friend request quickly after meeting, but don't send her a message — be a man and make the phone call.

Above all else, be yourself. These rules are merely suggestions to make dating easier to navigate — if you're more comfortable with a different approach, try it out and see what happens. But, whatever you do, try not replicate this scene from Swingers:

Kisses,
MM

Flirtation Faux Pas

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I work in sales in a power tool company and have a happily married customer whom I have been selling to for over four years. Our working relationship has evolved into more of a friendship, and we like to tease and flirt with each other. Co-workers at our respective companies joke that we are “boyfriend and girlfriend.” Everything was going fine until last week, when we were making arrangements to attend a tradeshow together. I said that I would have to get a hotel room, but since he lives closer to the convention center, I innocently asked if he was going to get a room. He seemed to take my question as an invitation and started acting weird. He automatically shot back with, “Oh, yeah. I'll just tell my wife I’m stuck in traffic.” I was so mortified that I could only laugh nervously and quickly change the subject.

Our conversations over the last few days have been very uncomfortable, and his co-workers are being very distant over the phone, as well. Do you think I should bring it up? Above all else, I want to maintain the business aspect of the relationship. But I also don't want to lose my buddy.

Help!
E.F.

Dear E.F.,

Let this be a lesson learned — it’s not usually wise to mix flirtation with business, especially if the guy’s married. While using your sexuality may help boost your sales, it could also start revving up the wrong power tools, if you know what I mean. And clearly it can also lead to uncomfortable situations like the one you’re in now with your client. You should rely more on your smarts and less on your sass; ultimately, business people will respect you more.

As for the mess you’ve created, request a meeting with him at his earliest convenience — in person, if possible. Pick a professional setting and wear proper business attire. Be frank and let him know that you feel he misunderstood your question about the hotel room. Tell him that while you value the “friendly” working relationship you’ve had thus far, you value his business too much to risk losing it. Let him know that you’re willing to make whatever adjustments necessary to ensure his comfort and his commitment to your working relationship. Hopefully he will appreciate your efforts to correct the situation and you won’t lose any sales over this.

I realize that you’re a woman working in a very manly industry, but it’s time for you to pull the plug on your power flirting and demonstrate what you’e really made of.

Saw blades and drill bits,
MM

Friend or Foe?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I have a problem concerning my husband's best friend that I hope you can help me take care of discreetly. They have been best friends since grade school, and I would hate to see my husband lose his best friend over this. I've been married to my husband for three years, and we were together for two years before that. Nearly the entire time, his best friend has been coming on to me. It started out with just jokes and flirting, most of the time right in front of my husband, who would just laugh it off because his friend has always been known as the "class clown." But, recently, he seems more serious in his advances. He's even made comments about what would have happened if he had "met me first." When I look uncomfortable, he's quick to make a joke and smooth things over.

My husband would be devastated to learn that his best friend is really trying to make a move on me. I just want him to drop this nonsense. How would you handle this situation?

Thanks,
Not Laughing

Dear NL,

Well, my dear, I wouldn't have to handle this situation, because I would have nipped it in the bud long ago. You need to deal with this guy immediately. It sounds like his behavior has escalated over the years, and you must put a stop to it before it goes any further.

I know you want to protect your husband and their friendship, but I assure you — he's no friend to your husband. You need to think about keeping your relationship with your husband healthy, open and honest — keeping secrets only erodes your connection. Have a talk with your hubby and explain that while he may think his best friend is joking around, you are convinced otherwise. Tell him that you feel uncomfortable, and relay recent comments his "best friend" has made to you privately.

See what your husband has to say. Given their friendship, he may want to deal with the situation man to man, or he may suggest that you put your foot down next time it happens. Either way, you need your husband's support on this, and I wouldn't recommend approaching the friend before you speak with hubby — it could blow the situation wide open, leaving your husband wondering why he was kept in the dark.

And one more thing — be ready for a less-than-supportive initial response from your husband. You're right — he will be devastated, and he might not want to believe his best friend is after his wife. Be kind, but also be steadfast. You've put up with this long enough, and it's time for hubby to back you up.

BFF,
MM

Thrice as Nice?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

In general, I'm what you might call a “good girl.” But lately, I’ve been intensely attracted to a couple I met through friends. He’s handsome and good-natured with a hot body, and she’s incredibly sexy and sensual with a knack for turning me on. When we hang out, we all flirt and have a good time, but I can’t tell if they want to take it to the next level and actually have a threesome. They seem to have a great relationship, and I certainly don’t want to cause any trouble — but I’m so hot for them! If they are interested, how do I proceed?

Love,
Third Wheel

Dear TW,

In a threesome relationship, you are in the easiest position as the “third wheel.” No matter what happens between the three of you, you don’t stand to lose very much if your three-way fantasy becomes a three-alarm emergency. You can be footloose and fancy free while the couple in this scenario may have to examine deeper issues that inviting a third to join them in the bedroom brings to the surface.

That said, if you are determined to pursue this triangle of attraction, you must follow some simple rules of three-way engagement for the single partner:

1. Set ground rules. Do not just jump into bed with this couple. Go out for drinks or dinner and discuss the possibilities. Find out what their expectations are and see if you’re all on the same page sexually. For example, one partner might be more into watching while the other has a certain fantasy he or she wants fulfilled. And be sure to discuss safe sex — just because they're in a committed relationship doesn’t mean you’re safe.

2. Respect their relationship. You are not looking for emotional connection here. If you feel yourself falling for one partner, or becoming emotionally dependent on the relationship in any way, end it immediately.

3. Keep everyone happy and involved. As the single sex goddess in this situation, do your best to ensure everyone is having a good time. Be sure to flirt, kiss and pet each partner equally. I have heard time and again about threesomes going awry because one partner felt left out. It’s ridiculous! With so many sexual positions and options, everyone should be able to be somewhat involved in every sexual act.

I’ve had many three-way trysts, some lasting for an evening and others much longer. While three-ways can be incredibly exciting, they are also potentially explosive and must be handled with care. Initially, be a quiet observer — watch them interact as a couple and imagine how you might “insert” yourself into their relationship. If things progress, enjoy yourself, but follow the rules and watch for signs of jealousy or discomfort — you’ll know when it’s time for your final triple kiss.

Kiss, kiss, kiss,
MM

Sex vs. Intimacy

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I like this guy, but he doesn’t seem to see the chemistry we have together. I met him at a party about a year ago, and it turned into a two-week sex fest. We’d get together nearly every other day and have really good sex. I’m much more experienced than he is, and he told me that I was the best he’d ever had. I was really starting to like him, but then he just stopped calling. A few weeks later, we chatted online and he told me he had met someone else. I was crushed but didn’t let him know he had hurt me.

A few months later, I ran into him, and he was single. So we started sleeping together again, and I thought he had finally come to his senses about how awesome I am. I was wrong. He stopped calling again, and before I knew it, he was dating another girl. He has told me that I am really different from the women he usually dates and that I’m far better in bed. So, what’s the deal? If he prefers being with me, why am I only his fuck buddy?

Help!
A.R.

Dear A.R.

I see a couple of issues at play here — one is about him and one is about you.

This guy wants to have unbridled sex with you — an experienced, sexy woman — but when it comes to choosing a mate, he wants a virgin. He could be harboring some serious guilt or simply be intimidated by your sexual prowess and your assertive demeanor. Either way, he clearly doesn’t appreciate what you have to offer.

As for your role in this, you have to learn the difference between sex and intimacy. If you want to have casual sex, go ahead (safely, of course), but don’t mistake the false intimacy of a quick romp in the sack for the genuine spark of love. Figure out what you want. Do you want hot sex with a stranger or with a guy you’ve cultivated a relationship with? Either path you choose is fine, but don’t look for love in casual sex; those paths don’t often cross.

As for the guy in question — kick him to the curb. You’ve wasted enough of your time, self-esteem and hot lovin’ on him. Move on.

In sisterhood,
MM

Debauchery on a Budget

Hi Mistress,

My girlfriend and I would like to start meeting men, women and couples to broaden our sexual experiences. We see people on the street and both agree we’d like to have them join us in bed. Unfortunately, that’s not a request you can just ask any random stranger. We’ve considered looking online, but we have yet to find a website that lets people meet for free. Whatever happened to people of the same mindset helping each other out? I am a recent college graduate and my girlfriend is still in college. So we save every, and I mean every, penny. We simply do not have the money to spend on a dating site.

So instead of simply complaining, are there any ways for us to meet people? Will we have to start an “online hook-up” fund? Or are we destined to simply fantasize? I hope you can help!

Eric

Dear Eric,

Vermont has many amazing amenities — the mountains, the lakes, the nation’s only “democratic socialist” senator, etc. What we don’t have, unfortunately, is a vibrant and visible kink community. I often feel very lucky to live in the diverse, liberal bubble that is Burlington, but I also feel stifled by the lack of options for us kinksters.

When you’re into alternative sexual activities and live in Vermont, the Internet is your friend. You’re right, I don’t know of any sites that will give you complete access for free, but most sites — including Seven Days Personals — are free to post an ad. People have to pay to respond, but if they do, it won’t cost you a dime. So what are you waiting for? Get cozy with your girlfriend, write an ad that describes your most torrid fantasies, post it, and see what happens. Just the act of writing such an ad will likely turn you both on and, with any luck, evolve into a steamy night for the two of you!
Living a kinky lifestyle is a hobby, and like most hobbies, it costs money. Whether you’re collecting stamps, knitting or trying to attract other pervy people to your bed, you have to be ready to “put out.” You need to start a “Spank Bank.” You and your girlfriend drop in loose change, and before you know it, you’ll have enough to join an online site for a month or take a trip to a bigger city where you can get your freak on.

I am astounded that so many people in Vermont forget how close we are to the living, breathing kink-friendly city Montréal! Swinging in members-only clubs is legal there, and the clubs are easy to find by searching the net. Just remember to bring your passport and plenty of protection.

Bonne Chance,
MM

Weighing the Options

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My partner has a weird sexual kink — he can’t reach orgasm without being smothered by skin. At first he was content sticking his face into my ample bosom as he shot his wad, but the thrill died down after a week or so (not to mention the boob rash I got from his stubbly chin). Now he insists that I gain 100 lbs and lose it as quickly as possible so that I will have layer upon layer of ripply loose skin for him to wrap himself in like a warm, fleshy blanket. I truly think he is “The One” and am willing to do it, but I’m worried that I will gain and lose the 100 lbs very quickly and be left with firm elastic skin. Do you think I should just invite a former fatty into our bed for a threesome?

I appreciate an urgent response as I am already having a hard time, no matter how much junk I eat, I just can't seem to put on weight!

Sincerely,
Ophelia Mancok, Beaverville

Dear OMB,

For your sake, I hope this letter is not real. Although it’s entertaining, it’s also offensive and shortsighted. Purposely putting your body through such trauma would likely outrage women who struggle with weight loss, then have to struggle with the loose skin aftermath.

But as outrageous as your letter is, the fetish you describe is no joke — plenty of people like to be smothered by their partners’ flesh as foreplay or during sex. Whether it’s being completely enveloped by their partners or the lack of oxygen — smother fetishists say that they experience stronger, more intense orgasms when their partners smother them with various body parts. When a smother fetishist is also a macrophiliac (having a strong sexual attraction to larger people), he or she is more likely to also be interested in trample fantasies — where the heavy partner will stand or walk on the submissive partner.

On the off chance that you really are stuffing your face with chocolate and chips, I must advise you to take an immediate break from this relationship. While smother fantasies are somewhat common, insisting that your partner endanger his or her health is not. You deserve better: someone who will love and desire you for who you are now, not who you’ll be once you’ve gained and lost weight.
And one more piece of advice for my fellow smother-lovers — Partake in this activity only after any bearded partners have performed a clean, close shave. Ouch!

Smothering kisses,
MM

Under Control

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My boyfriend is a chronic masturbator. I wouldn’t mind so much if he would also pay sexual attention to me more than two to three times per month. I have been trying to figure it out for nine years, and it’s making me crazy. I have a head full of assumptions, and I feel that it’s his way of controlling me. Otherwise, everything else in our relationship is OK. I do talk to him about this problem, but he doesn’t change and refuses to go to therapy. Please help.

Lost in Love

Dear Lost in Love,

Your boyfriend’s masturbation habits are not the problem here. If he were self-pleasuring 10 times a day, but still meeting your sexual needs, you probably wouldn’t care how many times he spanked his monkey. The problem is — he doesn’t seem to care about your needs. What’s worse is that you suspect him of withholding sex as a means of control in your relationship, and that’s a red flag.

Whether consciously or subconsciously, a partner will sometimes withhold sex in a passive-aggressive attempt to regain power when he or she feels inferior. Does your boyfriend feel challenged by you financially, professionally, at home or otherwise? If so, this may be the root of the problem. In some extreme instances, a man’s inferiority complex can manifest as erectile dysfunction.

Of course, this is all speculation. Because your man refuses to work on this problem or go to therapy, there’s no way to tell what’s really going on in your relationship. You can’t wave a magic wand and get him to change, so you’re the one who has to change. Look inside yourself — what are you willing to live with? You’ve invested nine years in this relationship. How long are you willing to wait to get a return on your investment? It’s time to draw a line in the sand and see if he’ll cross it to be with you. If he’s not willing to do the work to save your relationship, he’s not worth any more of your time.

And one more piece of advice: Just because he’s not willing to go to therapy doesn’t mean you shouldn’t seek help for yourself. Whether you stay in this relationship or not, you deserve to have your feelings heard and validated — even if you have to pay someone to do it.

Not withholding,
MM

Agree? Disagree? Leave a comment and let your opinion be known. Comments can be left anonymously, so don't be shy. . .