Kiss and Tell?

Dear Mistress,

I have a friend who is good friends with her ex-boyfriend — let’s call him “Jack.” I hang out with my friend and Jack from time to time, and we get along well. Luckily for me, when Jack and I get a little drunk, we tend to have make-out sessions. My friend has not shared with me whether or not she is bothered by the kissing, nor have I asked her. Kissing is as far as it has gone, but I kind of like him. Since he and I have done this multiple times, I am wondering if he likes me, but I don’t have the guts to ask.

Is it appropriate to have drunken make-out sessions with your friend’s ex? We’re adults, and we’re having a good time. I sense my friend is protective of Jack, so I haven’t asked him for more than kissing —I think it would be uncomfortable talking with her about it. I would rather remain friends with her than start something with him and ruin our friendship permanently. Do I just suck it up and tell her that I like him? Tell him? Help!

Miss Kissdon’tell

Dear Miss Kissdon’tell,

You’re all over the map. In one breath you say that you like “Jack,” yet in the next you’re ready to ditch him in order to preserve a friendship you’ve already put in jeopardy. In most instances kissing is relatively harmless, but in your case, you’re risking a friendship for some drunken thrills. It’s time for you to decide what you really want, and then take action. If you really like this guy, sit down with your friend and tell her about your feelings. You don’t have to ask her permission to date him, but talking with her first might prevent tension down the road. Hopefully your candor will soften her protectiveness, and she’ll give you her blessing. If she protests, you’ll have some serious thinking to do about what’s more important to you.

On the other hand, if you’re not head over heels for this guy, stop kissing him. Why risk a friendship for someone who doesn’t really interest you? And while you’re at it, ask yourself why you’re inviting so much drama into your life. Take it from me: Drunken kissing trysts are much more fun when drama is not involved.

Martini Kisses,
MM

Widow of Warcraft

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My live-in boyfriend just discovered the online game World of Warcraft, and he plays it all the time. He stays up half the night playing this game, and consequently, we haven't had sex in two weeks (very unusual for us). We've had a couple arguments about it, and I'm not sure what to do. Thoughts?

-Alexa

Dear Alexa,

You're not alone. I can't count the number of times I've been asked this question by girlfriends left in bedroom oblivion because of World of Warcraft and other massively multiplayer online role-playing games (MMORPGs). This problem is so widespread that women (and men) can now find support at GamerWidow.com — a site where gamer widows share their frustrations with fellow gamer widows via message boards and chat.

You need to sit down with your boyfriend and set up some ground rules that work for both of you. Tell him that you're glad he's found something he enjoys, but also let him know that you're feeling neglected. Together, come up with a schedule that designates some nights for online gaming and some nights for just the two of you. The goal should not be to stop him from playing World of Warcraft — trust me, being supportive of his online gaming interest will serve you better in this scenario.

Just a thought — have you ever played World of Warcraft? I can't think of anything sexier to a gamer nerd than another gamer nerd. Perhaps you should give it a try — you might end up playing a different kind of role-playing game, if you know what I mean. . .

TTYL,
MM

Kick Start

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I’m pretty much a normal guy, but I have a slightly different fetish that seems to cause issues when it comes to relationships. To put it bluntly, I enjoy being kicked in the balls. It’s not the most common fetish, but it is one that has been around for a while. There are many men who also have this fetish, although it seems more common in Asian countries. This has become more than just a fetish for me — it’s a necessity. In order to maintain a sexual relationship, I need a partner who is into this fetish and willing to participate on nearly a daily basis. I’ve dated a few women who have done this for me, but I can tell they did not enjoy it. I’m not into any other SM activities, just this one. Are there women out there who enjoy this who don’t do it for a living? I know men who are into it and keep it in the closet, but are there women doing the same thing? How would I find them?

D Cal

Dear D Cal,

Many men, of all races and orientations, share your fantasy of getting kicked in the family jewels. In fact, most men who share your fetish become fully aroused when their partners kick, grab, punch or squeeze their testicles — some men can even ejaculate from this intense pain without penis stimulation. In fetish circles, men who participate in this activity are known as ballbusters. Your fetish falls under the BDSM umbrella — that’s bondage, discipline, domination/submission and sadism/masochism. While you claim not to participate in other BDSM activities, most ballbusters I know also enjoy other fetish play where they are submissive and subjected to other forms of pain.

To find a partner, look within the BDSM community first. The only way you’re going to feel satisfied is with someone who is equally aroused by this activity. Try online personals specifically geared to alternative lifestyles, such as Seven Days’ Hot to Trot or Alt.com. Users on these sites can specify exactly what activities they’re interested in, so you might just meet your high-kicking queen. I’m sure she’s out there . . .

Oh, and one cautionary note: while most kicks to the groin will produce only minor swelling and some bruising, prolonged abuse to this area could cause more serious damage. Do yourself a favor — don’t bust a nut while you’re “busting a nut.”

Bags of love,
MM

Ring It In Right

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My New Year's Resolution is to have more sex. I'm pretty much your average 30-something single white Vermont male. I'm no George Clooney, but I clean up pretty nicely. I've been laying low in 2006, getting over a break up, but I want 2007 to be my big comeback. I've never had a wild sex life, and I feel it's time to sow some oats. Mistress, I'm ready, willing and able; will you show me the way?

Sam

Dear Sam,

I like your enthusiasm. I wish more people were as willing as you are to take charge of their sex lives and strive for optimum satisfaction. Unfortunately, unless you resolve to pay professionals for your sexual pleasure, there is no way to guarantee more sex in 2007 — and for a multitude of reasons, I do not recommend paying for sex.

You need to get your edge back and find the confidence that inevitably waned during your year away from the social scene. You claim to clean up nicely, so do it — get a new haircut, buy some new clothes and find a new scent (but, please, go easy on the cologne). While you're at it, get your friends cleaned up, too. You'll need wingmen when you hit the town, and you don't want your friends' ragged appearances to weigh you down.

Try the new hotspots in town to meet potential mates casually, but if you're serious about adding more notches to your bedpost this year, you'll have to broaden your search. Attend an upcoming Seven Days singles event and sign up for online personals at www.sevendaysvt.com. I like online dating because you can be specific about what you're looking for, and in your case, this is of the utmost importance. You must be honest with potential sexual partners and let them know that you're only interested in casual dating and sex. I promise you — if you are dishonest about your intentions, your New Year's resolution will turn into a nightmare.

And while you're at it, add one more resolution to your list — safer sex in 2007. Don't ruin this fun and exciting year with one night of stupidity. Get a clean bill of health before you hit the dating scene and pledge to keep yourself and your new partners healthy in the New Year.

Midnight Kisses,
MM

Three's Company?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I have three girls who are interested in me, and I in them. This has never happened to me before! I can see how most stereotypical men would wonder how this constitutes a problem for me, but I am looking for a long, lasting relationship.

These three women are wonderful beyond my wildest dreams. I am not a player and do not wish to hurt them. I feel arrogant and greedy, but I can’t choose yet. Should I tell them about one another? I fear that honesty might drive them all away. How can I choose one woman over another? I beg your assistance, Mistress.

Sincerely,
Wandering Maverick

Dear WM,

From where I stand, you don’t have a problem; you have an opportunity to find love. As long as you keep your integrity intact, you can handle this situation with minimal damage to all parties involved. First and foremost, do not tell these three women about one another specifically. Instead, tell each one that while you truly enjoy her company, you are not yet ready to make a commitment. You will have to accept the possibility that they might see other people, too — hey, fair is fair. You are not obligated to share your dating schedule with these women, but you should be honest about seeing other people, especially if you’re sexually active with more than one of these lovely ladies (and, please, use protection).

Time will reveal who your real match is, but it’s not nice to string these women along for too long — nor is it good for your Karma. Have you considered taking a weekend away from all three women? Spending some time reconnecting with yourself, without dating pressures, might be just what you need to gain clarity. You may end up missing one woman more than the others or thinking about one more consistently. Also, if you haven’t done so already, introduce these women to your friends and ask their opinions. Just remember — this is not a Ms. America pageant, and these three women deserve to be treated with the respect and reverence you put forth in your letter.

If love is a gamble, I like your odds. You are in the enviable position of having three potential mates betting on your affection, and you’re holding all the cards. If you play your hand right, you might win with a pair of hearts instead of a full house.

Ante up,
MM

Web of Addiction

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I don’t know how to handle my man’s addiction to Internet porn. While I’m normally pretty open-minded about anything in our sex life, I hate feeling second best to plastic-surgery-enhanced bimbos. The biggest part of the problem is that he feels as if he can’t stop searching the web for porn. He will blank out for hours, flipping from one dirty screen to the next. His porn surfing has made him spacey, distant and depressed, and he has rung up thousands of dollars worth of bills. Is Internet addiction a real disease? How can it be treated? Help!

Not a Porn Star But Still Hot

Dear NAPSBSH,

Internet pornography addiction is real, and if your guy “blanks out for hours” while surfing for sex on the Internet, I’m afraid he’s got a problem. Internet porn addiction is just like other non-substance, impulse-based addictions such as shopping, gambling or overeating. A Google search for Internet porn addiction turns up countless personal stories from men whose addictions kept them up until the wee hours of the morning, making it difficult for them to function at work or be emotionally or physically available to their partners.

While it’s lovely that you care about your man and want to help him, it’s also important to look out for yourself. Before he messes up his life — or yours — any further, an intervention is in order. Let him know that because you love him so much, you want him to address his addiction with the help of a therapist or counselor. He may balk at your suggestion or try to downplay the magnitude of his addiction, so be prepared with real consequences if he doesn’t seek help immediately. He needs to understand that his compulsive behavior has real life ramifications, including the possibility of losing the woman he loves. If you’re nervous about doing this alone, enlist the help of a close friend or family member — someone he trusts.

Being in a relationship with an addict is heartbreaking. Whether he or she is addicted to heroin or Ho-Hos, the affects on a relationship can be devastating. Do yourself and your man a favor — address the problem now, before it gets worse for both of you.

xoxo,
MM

Hair Down There

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My boyfriend likes me to shave my pubic area — he says it turns him on and makes it easier to navigate when he's giving me oral sex. I don't mind shaving for him, but I wish he would do the same for me! I've gotten him to trim his area before, but he says, "Guys don't shave their balls." I think he's just nervous to take a razor to his crotch. Can you please give your opinion on this and possibly some pointers?

Thanks,
Nicole

Dear Nicole,

Fair is fair, and if you're going to enhance his sexual pleasure by taking a sharp object to your nether region, he should do the same for you. I know plenty of men who shave their scrotums and live to tell the tale. As long as he's careful and takes his time, shaving should be a pain-free experience.

First, he should trim the excess hair using scissors or clippers — this will make the shaving portion infinitely easier. Then, he should sit in a warm bath to loosen the skin of the scrotum and soften the hair (a shower will achieve the same outcome, but if it's his first time, he might like to relax in the tub). Be sure that he uses quality shaving gel or cream, not just soap! After he's lathered, he should pull the skin of his scrotum taut, giving him a flat shaving area. Using a sharp razor (a dull blade is not a good choice here), make slow, deliberate strokes until all the hair is removed. If he's shaving the whole kit and caboodle, he should shave with the grain, unless he wants screaming razor burn. Remember to moisturize after shaving with a mild cream — facial moisturizer is a safe bet.

Good luck and happy shaving,
MM

Twist of Fate

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Some years ago I met a man I had instant chemistry with. No, not the sexual kind of chemistry, but the kind of chemistry that gets you right in the heart. I suspect this man felt the same; I sensed it. We had a chance meeting a few years later, and he seemed pretty excited to see me, too. This man has stayed on my mind all these years, and I really feel like he might be the special one for me — the one we all long for in life. I've thought about contacting him recently because I am now single. I'm not sure if he's single, but I suspect he wasn't at the time of our initial meeting. My question is, should I make an attempt to contact him or wait and be patient, hoping that fate makes our paths cross again?

-G

Dear G,

I like a fated romance story as much as the next girl, but sometimes we have to create our own destinies. In your case, fate has already done its job by parading this man through your world on two occasions — the rest is up to you. In today's web-crazed world, it's easy to find people from our pasts. Try sites like MySpace and Friendster first. These sites make it easy to "bump into" someone online and keep things casual. If he hasn't jumped onto the friend networking bandwagon yet, do some internet sleuthing on Zaba Search or White Pages.

When you find him, be cool. Find out if he's single before you profess your undying devotion. You clearly have a strong intuitive feeling about this guy, but until you know he feels the same way, protect your heart.

xoxo,
MM

Ride 'Em, Cowgirl

Dear Mistess Maeve,

I recently started seeing a guy semi-seriously and things are going great. I thought we were on the same page about sex, but he recently dropped a bomb on me: his biggest fantasy is to have a woman penetrate him with a strap-on. I’m no shrinking violet when it comes to sex, but this is a little out of my league! Neither of us have a lot of experience with anal sex, and I feel like the pressure is on me to make his fantasy come true. I’d like to give it a whirl, but I have no clue where to begin. Help?

Thanks,
Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Before you go strapping it on, let’s talk about this. Firstly, it’s great that you have the kind of relationship where you can share such intimate desires with one another – it’s a sign of good things to come. However, just because he fantasizes about you bumping him from behind does not mean you have to oblige! Anal play is like sushi – most people either love it or hate it. If anal play is not on your menu, you do not have to grant him this fantasy. On the other hand, if you are open to trying a new delicacy, my advice is to start small – literally. Your beau may think he wants a dildo in his derriere, but if he is a virgin in that area, I suggest picking up some powder-free latex gloves, some lube and experimenting manually. If all goes well, graduate to a butt plug or small dildo. Then, if you’re both still enjoying yourselves, reach for the strap-on and ride off into the sunset.

Bottoms up,
MM

Going Postal

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I have a crush on my friendly neighborhood postman. We've actually only conversed once, but I think the attraction is mutual. However, I don't know how to express my interest unless I'm willing to wait by the mailbox for his arrival — which is a little too obvious for my taste. I thought I might send a little "love letter," but is it a federal offense to use your own mailbox to flirt with your carrier? I haven't sent love notes since junior high school, so I don't even know where to begin. Please help! Any advice would be invaluable.

Sincerely,
USPS Fan

Dear USPS Fan,

Oh, yes — wait a minute, Mr. Postman! Sounds like you're crushing hard on the man in blue, and this is the perfect time of year to make contact. People traditionally thank their mail carrier around the holidays by leaving a card and a tip or gift in the mailbox (I can only assume that this practice is not illegal since people have been doing it for ages). Next week is Thanksgiving, so why not "show your gratitude" with a little gift? If I were you, I'd choose movie tickets or a gift certificate for tickets to Higher Ground. In your note, you can suggest that if he needs a date, he can give you a call. Don't be shy, just channel your inner sex kitten and make it happen.

Best of luck, and remember to leave a comment with a report of your progress.

xoxo,
MM

Power Trip

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My partner tends to be the more passive one in our relationship, which suits me just fine in day-to-day life, but I prefer to mix it up in the bedroom. I like taking charge most of the time, but every once in a while I'd like him to take the reigns. I know he wants to please me, but he says he feels self-conscious about being more aggressive because he's less experienced than I am. He just came out of the closet last year, whereas I have been out for decade — and have the little black book to prove it. I can't say I blame him for being nervous; I have a tendency to be critical and picky, and I think I scare him. I think he's terrified to take control because he thinks I'm going to judge him. How do I make him feel secure enough to take charge?

Sincerely,
Jackson

Dear Jackson,

The good news is you have a man who wants to please you. The bad news is you've created a situation in which he's scared to try. It sounds like you're communicating on some level about this issue, so I suggest you keep talking. If you take responsibility for being critical and picky, he's more likely to open up. Try telling him about some of your fantasies where he takes control and rocks your world. If he knows what you're thinking, he'll feel more confident in turning your naughty thoughts into hot realities. Here's an idea: let him blindfold you. Depriving you of one of your senses automatically makes you more vulnerable and enables him to have more control. Without your critical eye on him, you both might be surprised at what he'll allow himself to do. If all goes well, you could really put your money where your mouth is and let him to tie you up, too. If you really want him to be in control, you might consider relinquishing yours.

Kisses,
MM

Makeup Or Break Up

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I recently started dating a girl I really like. She's the coolest girl I've met in a while, but there's one thing I can't stand. She wears too much makeup. She looks okay during the week (she works in a conservative office), but when we go out on the weekends, she piles on the makeup. She wears really bright colors on her eyes, and I can't stand to kiss her because of all the lip gloss. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I'm a little embarrassed to be seen with her. My friends have even given her the nickname "Tammy Faye." How do I tell her she's prettier without all the makeup?

Thanks,
Josh

Dear Josh,

I hate to point out the obvious, but how about saying something like, "You know, you look just as beautiful without makeup?" Most women wear makeup because the media tells us we have to in order to be attractive. If I had a partner telling me not to wear makeup because I look fantastic without it, I would gladly take that extra fifteen minutes each morning and enjoy another cup of coffee. If you keep painting on the compliments about her skin, eyes and lips sans makeup, perhaps she'll stop painting her face.

If that doesn't work, consider buying her a day of beauty at a salon or spa. Be sure the package includes a makeup application and lesson. Also be sure to book the appointment on a weekend so you can take her out on the town afterward. Of course, you'll want to give her lots of compliments to encourage her to keep her new look.

Lipstick kisses,
MM

Hot and Heavy

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I should start by saying that I am a heavy woman, and I have had trouble in the dating scene because most guys will not approach a fat woman. Recently, I met a guy who has a “thing” for bigger women. At first I thought it was strange, but then I decided to give him a chance. When we are intimate, I can tell he really likes my large body, and I feel very confident and free with him. The problem is, he never takes me out on dates. We always stay in and watch a movie or make dinner. I am beginning to think he doesn’t want to be seen with me in public. I’ve never felt so sexy before, but I wonder if his attraction for me ends in the bedroom?

Sincerely,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Being a sexy, curvy woman myself, I can sympathize with you. It is not easy being the most ample woman in the club watching Barbie-girls scoop up all the eligible men. As for your new beau, he’s a fetishist. When we think of fetishes, what comes to mind is images of foot worship and men wearing women’s under-things. In reality, anything can be fetishized — including you.

This gentleman has a penchant for the plus-sized, and he is fulfilling his innermost fantasies by sleeping with you. It all comes down to what you want to get out of this relationship. If he makes you feel hot and sexy, perhaps you want to pursue a strictly sexual relationship with him — safely, of course. But if you’re looking for a long-term love relationship, I think you’re barking up the wrong tree.
Before you give up completely, though, try to talk to him about your concerns. Perhaps he is just oblivious to your needs. If he doesn’t respond to your request for a more social dating routine, I suggest you move on. Honey, if you’re good enough in the sheets, you should be good enough for the streets.

With chub love,
MM

Pinch Hitting

Dear Mistress Maeve,

After a decade of living every gay man’s dream bachelor life in San Francisco, I met and fell in love with the perfect man while vacationing in Vermont. I fell for him so hard that I moved here to be closer to him. We have the same sense of humor, the same spiritual beliefs and the same career and family goals. There is just one problem: we’re both tops. I’m more passive in everyday life, but in the bedroom, we keep butting heads – and not the right ones. Can two tops make it work?

Tell me what to do!
Russell

Dear Russell,

Didn’t you do any prescreening about this issue before you hopped a plane to live happily ever after? Perhaps you were just too smitten to face the reality of your sexual incompatibility? If you want to continue this relationship, you have some teamwork to do. Having spent much time in the gay community admiring its many sexual subcultures and traditions, I must say this: gay men need to be more open. If gay men stopped worrying so much about who was supposed to be the top, the bottom or the meat in a three-way man sandwich, everyone would have much more fun. I suggest picking up Gay Men and Anal Eroticism: Tops, Bottoms and Versatiles by Steven G. Underwood (Harrington Park Press, 2003). Through interviews with gay men, the author reveals the psychological secrets behind being top, bottom or other. Reading this book together would give you and your love insight into what the other is looking for in the bedroom. Solving this problem will demand that both of you make some concessions in the sack, but it could be fun. If you’re both willing to switch positions and catch while the other pitches, you might just hit a homerun.

Batter up,
MM

Camera Shy

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I’m in deep trouble. During a recent night of heavy drinking and partying, I cheated on my girlfriend with a woman I met at a bar. The worst part is, since I couldn’t take her back to the apartment I share with my girlfriend, I took her to the office building where I work. I have a key to the building, but no one is supposed to be there after hours. On our way out, I noticed a camera mounted in the hallway. I didn’t know we had security cameras! It’s been a couple of days and my boss hasn’t said anything. I’m paranoid and freaking out. What if he knows and isn’t saying anything yet? Maybe the camera is a fake to scare intruders away? What should I do?

Thanks,
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Take a deep breath. Put your head between your legs if necessary — although I find it’s always far better to have someone else’s head between my legs. Listen, plenty of companies put up fake cameras as a ruse to run off robbers. More likely than that, though, the camera in your office does work, but the footage recorded on it won’t be consulted unless an incident occurs. So, as long your crime of passion was the only crime committed on premises that night, you’re probably in the clear. Just in case, though, you should prepare an Oscar-worthy speech about how you made a horribly out-of-character decision to bone your new beauty on the conference room table. On second thought, perhaps you should leave out the details . . .

Oh, and one more word of advice: if you are unhappy in your current relationship, end it. Do not disrespect your girlfriend again, or Karma might catch the whole tryst on camera next time.

Say cheese,
MM

Coffee Conundrum

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I was at a small social event last night and had a nice conversation with a man who asked if we could go out for coffee sometime. I agreed because I enjoyed talking with him, but “coffee” is so ambiguous. I feel that the non-stated invitation is really, “Would you like to go out for coffee so that we can determine how compatible we are in terms of getting into each other’s pants?”

Maybe I’m naive, but I really only want coffee and conversation with this guy. I’m not in a position to date him, and I’ve run into this problem in the past. When is the right time to mention what I am, and am not, available for romantically? Did I already miss my window of opportunity at the invitation stage?
I’m so confused!

Thanks,
Kate

Dear Kate,

Sometimes I think it would be easier if we all wore badges indicating our dating status, like “Ready, Willing and Able” or “Don’t Even Think About It.” Unfortunately the path to love and happiness isn't lined with easy-to-read road signs. You’re right about coffee dates. They’re a harmless way to give someone the dating once-over, and hey, they’re cheaper than buying dinner. That said, you are not responsible for this guy’s ulterior motives. If you are genuinely interested in being friends with him, go ahead and meet him for coffee. If he’s putting out the “I like you” vibe, kindly and nonchalantly interject that you’re not in a position to date anyone at the moment, but that you hope you can continue getting to know one another as friends. I know it can be uncomfortable to be straightforward — and speaking of straight, if you are, making friends with the opposite sex can be tricky; awkward moments can’t always be avoided. No matter how he reacts initially, in the end, he’ll appreciate your candor.

I must say, Kate, you've got me curious about you. You don’t say why you’re not in a position to date this guy, and as long as you’re not married or otherwise spoken for, I would offer one other bit of advice: you never know, this one-time coffee date could percolate into something more.

With two sugars,
MM