For the Love of Lelo

Lelo is one of my favorite sex toy companies — they're innovative, aesthetically pleasing and, of course, fulfilling. My first foray into Lelo's line of toys was the Nea Vibe. It's a sweet, unassuming clitoral vibrator with multiple settings. The best part is that it's cordless and rechargeable — it comes with a plug for juicing it up, just like your cell phone. Plug it when you're done with it, and it will recharge for another 90 minute's worth of vibrating fun. My only gripe about the Nea Vibe is the hard plastic it's made out of — not as sexy as some other toys made out of softer, skin-like materials. For a quick romp, the Nea Vibe is great, but for longer sessions, I prefer something with a softer shell, like the Laya Spot that is made of hard plastic and Elastomer.

And just when I thought Lelo was all about hi-tech, they go and release some low-fi cuffs — and I want a pair! I am very, very picky about restraints. I cannot stand cuffs that are made from cheap materials that scratch and dig into skin — not sexy. Lelo's Sutra Cuffs look like just the opposite of chintzy. Made of suede and silk, these cuffs appear to be some of the most luxurious on the market. Looking forward to getting my hands on some... err, in some.

I might just celebrate my independence with a little bondage. Bableland is offering free shipping on all items, including Lelo Sutra Cuffs, through July 5.

Happy Holiday Weekend,
MM

Cock Block

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I'm a 28-year-old lesbian with a quandary about dicks — fake ones, that is. My girlfriend and I want to purchase a strap-on dildo (for me to wear and her to receive), but we've come upon a stumbling cock, er ... stumbling block. I would prefer a realistic-looking dildo ... My girlfriend prefers sparkly dildos in all shades of purple.

She says that if she wanted to have sex with a lifelike penis, she'd have sex with a man. I think it's hot to mess around with gender roles, plus, I don't see anything sexy about romping around with a big purple member.  How do we get over this hurdle and get to the fun stuff?

 

Signed,

Dick Tracy

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Dear Dick Tracy, 

For me, the transcendence of traditional gender roles is inherently erotic; therefore, the idea of a biological female strapping on a realistic dildo is totally hot. Unlike your girlfriend, I don't see it as a substitute for having sex with a "real man." I see it as a way to turn up your nose at society's binary gender system and have some fun in the process.

That said, why are you so "rigid" when it comes to your cock? I've had plenty of fun with lifelike dildos — but I've also had some memorable times with strap-ons shaped like dolphins or spaceships and even one molded to look like Barack Obama (appropriately nicknamed "Commander-In-Chief"). Of course, if you're having some gender identity issues, explore those feelings — your desire for a dick could go deeper than your strap-on.

My advice to both of you is to lighten up. Don't get too attached to one type of sex toy or one way of having sex. If you remain open-minded about dildos, gender roles and pleasure, you'll have a much more rewarding sex life. Buy two dildos — one realistic and one playful — then pledge to explore with both. The couple that plays together stays together. 

Strapped,

MM

 

 

Oldies But Goodies?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Thirty-one-year-old male here with a bit of a problem. My girlfriend recently told me that she would like to be tied up — nothing extreme, just some innocent fun. This, of course, made me unbelievably turned on, and I admitted to her that I had some under-the-mattress restraints that I had purchased with a former girlfriend. My girlfriend got instantly steamed and told me that it was insulting to think she would use the same "sex toys" as another woman. I told her that I didn't think of restraints as "sex toys" and that we had only used them a few times (mostly on me). She was still offended. I just don't see the point in spending another $50 on new restraints when these are not "contaminated." What do you think, MM?

Bound and Determined

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Dear B and D,

I'd like to tie you up and smack some sense into you. Do you have any idea how lucky you are to have a sexually adventurous girlfriend who is willing to leave vanilla behind and try some new flavors? Stop tying this stubborn knot and start tying up your girlfriend!

While I agree with you that restraints are less intimate than, say, dildos and butt plugs, your girlfriend still sees them as "contaminated" with emotional residue from your past relationship. Respect her feelings and get rid of the old shackles. And who says you need to spend $50? Sure, under-the-bed restraints are great, but neckties and scarves do just fine.

Believe me, if you continue to be as stubborn as a mule about this issue, you're only going to come off looking like an ass.

Kisses,
MM

Illuminating Sexual Experience

 The folks over at Homotography recently featured the "Bedside Lamp" by product designer Matteo Cibic. This isn't your average reading lamp — it houses a high-grade silicon dildo in its base. Even better, when the toy is removed, the light switches from a white light to a soft red — sassy.

Unfortunately, these lamps are not yet for sale. Homotography says the lamps will be part of the Love Design exhibit this April in Milan, Italy as part of Salone Del Mobile Exhibition. If you're planning a trip to Italy, perhaps you'd like to bring me back a new bedfellow?

Lighting up your life,
MM

My Valentine

I thought I was going to spend this Valentine's Day alone, but thanks to PinkCherry.com, I'm going to have my dream date — with the njoy Pure Wand. This stainless steel toy has many of the same qualities I look for in a Valentine — strong, surprising and satisfying.

The Pure Wand comes in a lovely black box with pink silky fabric inside — a smart choice, because it would look intimidating in bubble wrap. This isn't your average insertable — it's made of medical-grade stainless steel and weighs 1.5 pounds. (In case you're wondering, that's WAY heavier than most toys.)  The Pure Wand is a curved 8 inches long from end to end, making reach and motion easier than most insertables. The 1- and 1.5-inch balls on either end are designed to stimulate both the g-spot in women and the prostate in men.

I'll admit it — I was a little scared to try the Pure Wand. The stainless steel was freezing cold and the 1.5-inch ball looked daunting — but my curiosity won out. I warmed up the toy with hot water and decided to start easy with the 1-inch ball. I discovered quickly that a small amount of lube will do — the non-porous stainless steel doesn't require a lot of help. The hard, curved Wand, with its expertly placed g-spot stimulator, didn't disappoint. Now, with some practice, I love the versatility of the Pure Wand — I can choose the large end or the small end, and I can decide to forgo the warming up process and give myself a shock of cold steel to keep things interesting. For me, the sexiest part of using the Pure Wand is removing it from the body. The once ice-cold steel feels almost hot to the touch — the heat combined with the weight of the toy is a sensation-slut's wet dream.

Cleaning the Pure Wand is much easier than my other toys — simply use soap and water or, if you want a deeper clean before using with a partner or switching from anal to vaginal play, boil it. Toy maker njoy says their stainless steel toys are guaranteed never to corrode or degrade — just don't use an abrasive cleaner or pad.

Generally speaking, I'm easy to please when it comes to sex toys — if it vibrates or inserts, I'll figure out how to use it to my advantage. However, I do appreciate high quality and innovation, two things the Pure Wand has in abundance, easily making it a standout favorite among the other toys in my chest.

Happy V-Day,
MM

Deliverance

Two of my best friends moved to New York City last year and have been trying to seduce me into moving there ever since. After a week of subzero temperatures, they may have finally found the one thing that could get me to leave Vermont — sex toy home delivery.  When temperatures hit -26 degrees, wouldn't it be nice to have a brand new vibe delivered to your front door?

That's right, if you live in New York City (or Seattle), Babeland will deliver all kinds of toys to your home, hotel room, office, etc. Babeland says "Just give our store a call to place your order, and for a delivery fee of $30, we will have your toys delivered to your home or business within three hours." Sure, you can have sex toys overnighted  — but sometimes you need it sooner than that, if you know what I'm sayin'.

Luckily, temperatures are on the rise here in Vermont — so it looks like my friends will have to find a new way to lure me to the big city.

xoxo,
MM

Making good on resolutions

Thanks for all the feedback regarding my suggestions for 2009 resolutions. It appears that many of you are in full support of #4: Try girl-on-guy strap-on sex. Your comments and letters have re-sparked my own interest in strapping it on — so much so that I ordered a new harness and dildo from Babeland. I figured I'd show you what I got, since it was your encouragement that initiated my impulse buy.

For the harness, I went with the Spareparts Joque model. I never thought I'd choose anything but leather for a harness, but this one is made out of super-comfortable, durable swimsuit-like material — plus, you can throw it into the washing machine for easy cleaning. For the dildo, I went with the Leo — not too big, not too small. I chose the sparkly silver color — it is the holidays, after all.

If you're interested in seeing how these bits work, check out this educational video about the Spareparts harness from Babeland. There's no nudity, but you might want to put your headphones on if you're within earshot of coworkers.

Who knows? Maybe I'll ring in 2009 with a bang. . .

xoxo,
MM

Head "O" State

It was only a matter of time — the Obama sex toy has hit the market. For those of you who really love our new president elect (and want to love him even more), the "Head O State" dildo stands 7.5 inches tall, 2 inches wide and is made in the good ol' USA.

As if the actual dildo weren't entertaining enough, the makers of the Head O State have come up with a number of slogans to accompany your purchase. My favorite? "Make this an erection election to remember."

Get your Obama dildo here.

Supporting my candidate,
MM

Sex, (Truth) and Videotape

We live in a video-crazed culture. You can take video with virtually every piece of technology you own — computers, cell phones, digital cameras. You can even purchase a mini digital video camera for under $200. Consequently, your website, blog and Facebook page aren't cool unless you include video — but what about your sex life?

I've spent most of my sexual existence being scared of putting myself on film for fear of it being discovered — or worse, fear that I don't look half as hot as I think I do while engaging in some acts. However, as video slowly takes over our lives, I'm becoming more comfortable with the idea of inviting video playback into my bedroom.

How about you? How have you used video to enhance your sex life? Positives vs. negatives?  You can comment anonymously, of you prefer — just make up a name and skip the email and website fields.

MM

Flicks for Chicks

Dear Mistress,

My partner of 15-plus years recently told me she'd like to try watching some porn. She says she is kind of curious. While I'm not opposed to watching porn, I'm pretty sure she doesn't know what can go on in these movies. She can be a bit conservative in the bedroom; for instance, anything anal is out of the question with her.

I've been tasked with picking a movie, and I'm hoping you can suggest something that isn't too "male fantasy"-oriented; also, no lesbian action or anal. Do they even make movies like that?

Sincerely,
I Don't Have a Witty Sign-off

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Dear IDHAWS,

You're in luck. More and more adult films are being made by women with a female audience in mind. I highly recommend Tristan Taormino's Chemistry series. Taormino throws a handful of successful porn stars together in a house — à la MTV's “The Real World” — and captures the sex on film. Sure, the actors are probably contracted to get busy, but they also participate in candid dialogue about the industry and one another. The result is porn that's more natural: The viewer actually witnesses the erotic tension mounting between the characters before they consummate on-screen, so the sex is more emotional and less robotic.

You can find Taormino's work, along with a number of other recommended titles for women, at Babeland.com. The Chemistry films I've seen do feature some girl-on-girl and anal, but that's what the fast-forward button is for. Plus, you never know, perhaps your lady will venture outside the DVD box and surprise you . . .?

That said, given your partner's list of requirements, I worry you're setting yourself up for failure by picking the movie all by yourself. Encourage her to help you select the film — go online together, read descriptions, and jointly choose a title. That way, if the porn proves unsatisfactory, you won't be in the dog house.

Plenty of witty sign-offs,
MM

P.S. For those of you who like girl-on-girl, anal and more, check out some of my other favorite porn directed by women:

The Bi Apple, directed by Audacia Ray
Crash Pad, from Pink and White Productions
Sugar High Glitter City, directed by Jackie Strano and Shar Rednour

Age Appropriate?

I did some interesting reading over at Boinkology during my lunch break. Writer Lux Alptraum asks the question, "What's the Right Age to Get Your First Sex Toy?" She says:

"Given our country’s stand on teen pregnancy (we hate it) and teen sex (not too fond of that one, either), it boggles my mind that we’re similarly opposed to teen masturbation. After all, teenagers are walking balls of hormones, full of vim, vigor, and sexual energy (mostly the latter): if we don’t want them to have sex, surely masturbation is an excellent way for them to deal with all those unwholesome urges."

We do hate teen pregnancy — except for Gov. Sarah Palin, who says she and her husband are proud of her 17-year-old pregnant daughter's decision to keep her baby and "even prouder to become grandparents." Perhaps her daughter would have been better off with a Hitachi Magic Wand?

What do you think? You have to be 18-years-old to buy a sex toy in Vermont — should that law be changed?

Hold, Please

Just when I was starting to forget how pissed off I am that Vermont is the only state without the iPhone, a coworker emails me about the iBrate (via Gizmodo).

iBrate is a simple application for the iPhone that makes it vibrate on command. It seems pretty lame though — only one vibrator setting, small Start/Stop buttons and how the heck are you supposed to keep the thing sanitary? They need to market the iBrate with a latex cover for your phone.

But, hey, maybe it'll keep your friends' grubby paws off your new iPhone.

Vroom Vroom

I admit it. I have found myself, on some mornings, driving to work while simultaneously talking on the phone, applying makeup and scarfing down whatever I grabbed for breakfast on my way out the door. Smart? No. Efficient? Maybe.

As if all of life's more mundane distractions weren't enough while driving, Love Honey has come out with the Erotic Car Seat Seduction Massager. This vibrating cushion plugs into your car's power adapter and pumps the goods to four main parts of the seat. Yep, you can find other seat massagers on the market, but Love Honey says their massager focuses on four main "treasured pleasure points."

I clearly don't need any further car distractions, but if you find yourself stuck in traffic during your commute (like between downtown Burlington and every 89 on-ramp) — this could be a good way to keep it in drive. Just, please, put down the cell phone, eyeliner and latte. Okay?

Sexual Heel-ing

I love the television series Twin Peaks almost as much as I love wearing my fire-engine red peek-toe stilettos. So imagine my delight when I heard that David Lynch and Christian Louboutin had teamed up to make five limited-edition pairs of fetish shoes, paired with five signed photographs of the kinky kicks.

And if there was any doubt that these shoes weren't made for walking, Lynch and Louboutin added the pièce de résistance: Siamese heels. These black spikes are joined at the heel, ever so slightly contorting the legs and making it impossible to take a step. Yum.

If you're lucky enough to be traveling through Paris this month, you can see the show at Galerie du Passage. If not, you'll have to make due with these photos.

Now, be good — or I'll put you in the vertical ballet slippers and make you take a lap around the room.

xoxo,
MM

Toying Around

Have you ever opened your toy drawer or chest, only to find you're bored and/or mildly disgusted with every vibrator, butt plug and dildo in it? I liken it to getting halfway through a season, opening your closet and suddenly despising all the clothes you once wore with enthusiasm. Let's face it, toys go out of style, too — or, at least, they go through wear and tear and need to be replaced from time to time.

Welcome to my life. I need to replenish my toy collection. My latest inventory check showed two vibrators with conked-out motors, a slightly disfigured butt plug (how does that happen?) and about a zillion odds and ends that just need to be thrown out (or recycled). And why have I, of all people, allowed my toy chest to become so unsightly? Because new sex toys cost big bucks these days, especially if you need to replace everything at once.

Luckily, help is on the way. For those of you reading from Vermont and the surrounding area, listen up! Imago, Vermont's Premiere Adult Outlet, is celebrating its 10th anniversary with a 24-hour sale (midnight to midnight on October 13) — everything in the store is 50% off. Um, I'm there. I've found some pretty cool things at Imago over the years, and I love that they're making an event out of the sale — we don't have enough sex-related events in Vermont! The sale starts at midnight on Saturday. I say treat yourself or your sweetie to something new this weekend.

Never been to Imago? Nervous? Check out this video Seven Days made for Imago to promote the sale:

Have fun,
MM

SVD (Sudden Vibrator Death)

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I am so sick of buying cute little vibrators (I collect shades of purple) only to have them die on me shortly after purchase. I’m not talking about the batteries draining or the motor burning out; I mean when I’m turning the speed dial and the whole thing just suddenly stops, or it mysteriously won’t start, even with fresh batteries. Occasionally some twisting or disassembling/reassembling will bring them back to life. I suspect what is going on is that some internal contacts are not being made or wires have lost touch. I can’t imagine how to fix this without slicing through their silicone flesh with an X-Acto blade to isolate the disconnect. And then what? Wrap it back up in duct tape? I don’t think so. I’ve come to refer to this phenomenon as SVD (Sudden Vibrator Death).

I bought an adorable lavender vibe at a local shop last week, which is acting suspiciously already. I tend to spend in the $15-30 range, afraid to drop more money on an uncertain proposition. Do pricier models boast better longevity?

Molly

Dear Molly,

To have your purple pal peter out, so to speak, is nothing short of a tragedy — especially if you’re about to orgasm (been there, done that).

The old adage holds true, even for sex toys: You get what you pay for. Buying cheaper toys locally is a cost-effective option if you want to experiment with a new type of toy, if you have multiple partners and don’t wish to share dildos, or if it’s Labor Day weekend and all your friends are coupled and/or out of town so you decide to squelch your boredom by trying a larger-sized butt plug. (Or is that just me?)

However, when you’re looking for a trusty vibe, do yourself a favor and don’t be a cheapskate. While I always advocate shopping locally when possible, well-known online companies such as Babeland.com and GoodVibes.com tend to have better return policies, making SVD less of a deterrent to purchasing pricier toys. Most will take a defective product back within 30 days and issue an exchange or credit. Plus, you get the benefit of user-generated critiques and ratings.

Molly, just remember this: A $15 vibe gets you a $15 ride. So go ahead and invest in that high-end toy you’ve been eyeing that has all the bells and whistles — I’m pretty sure it comes in purple.

Many happy returns (or not),
MM

Who Gets Custody?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My ex-wife and I parted ways four years ago. However, we have a child together, which requires us to have a continuing civil relationship. When we were still together, we invested in a variety of BDSM gear and other "toys." When we split up, ensuring an equitable distribution of our treasure chest was far from a priority.  Now, however, I'm wishing I had been more assertive. I have recently started dating someone who's interested in experimenting, and some of my old toys and gear would come in handy.  However, buying all new equipment is an expensive proposition. My ex-wife is not dating at all, and I am considering asking for my share of these items back. I am concerned that she will be offended, as my request will be a clear indication that I am sexually involved with someone else, and that I intend to use toys that we bought together in this new relationship. Although my sex life and relationships are none of my ex's business, I want to keep the peace because of our co-parenting obligations. Should I reclaim my stuff, or leave well enough alone?

Sincerely,
Toyless

Dear Toyless,

During a divorce, people divvy up everything from cars to kids, but no one likes to talk about the sex gear. Couples avoid discussing who gets to keep the love swing and nipple clamps because it's hurtful to think about one another having sex with other people.

In your case, forget about the toys. It's been four years since you split up — asking for the toys now is just plain tacky and will likely cause more hurt than it's worth. Besides, your new partner would probably prefer to play with toys that weren't previously used to get your ex-wife off. 

You're right, sex toys are expensive, but you don't have to outfit your new toy chest all at once. In fact, you have plenty of things around the house to get you started — hairbrushes and wooden spoons make great paddles, curtain chords and silk scarves double as restraints and don't forget the clothes pins and ice cubes for sensuous torture.

Happy gear gathering,
MM

Doggie Style

Being that Seven Days unleashed the Animal Issue this week, I thought it appropriate to introduce you to Hotdoll. If you've ever owned an overactive pooch with a ferocious appetite for humping the legs of house guests, you might appreciate this new pet product. Yep, the Hotdoll is a sex toy for Fido, and it comes in two sizes to satisfy the tiniest of toy poodles and greatest of great danes. The toy is structured out of plastic with a layer of soft "technogel skin" on the outside. The orange bits are made out of rubber for durability, and the whole thing (including the hole in the rear) is made for easy cleaning.

Being a cat lover myself, I'm not privy to the sexual demands of today's pooches, but I say — if it keeps your pup off the furniture and dinner guests, it can't be all bad. Check out more product shots at Feel Addicted (click on products).

Woof,
MM

P.S. Thanks to Gizmodo.com and my friend Ms. Buddha for this hot dog of a tip!

Toy Chest

Hi Maeve,

Are there any adult toy stores around Burlington?

Thanks,
PBJ

Dear PBJ,

Firstly, aren't you forgetting something? The name is Mistress Maeve — got it?

With that out of the way, you've asked a great question. Yes, we are lucky enough to have access to a few adult toy purveyors — Imago of Milton and Good Stuff of Burlington and St. Albans (no website, but the Burlington phone number is 658-6520). If you prefer something less public, you can always host a Passion Party in the comfort of your own home.

When possible, I prefer to shop locally, but sometimes you just can't find what you're looking for in Vermont. If you need to turn to the Internet, check out Babeland or Blowfish.

Have fun filling your toy box,
MM

Am I missing one? Let me know by leaving a comment (you can leave a comment anonymously so your friends, family and coworkers won't know you like to read about sex).

It Gives Good Aural

If your vibrator could talk, what would it say? Ridiculous question? I think not.

Move over iBuzz Two and all other iPod-friendly sex toys with all the wires, controllers and junk you don't need — the Talking Head has the MP3 player built right in. With 64 megabytes of RAM, USB port, built-in microphone and head phone jack, you'll be screaming audi-ooohhhhhh in no time.

Think of the possibilities. Sure, you can download Marvin Gaye, but with the microphone built in, why not ask your lover to record a sexy message? The voice feature is especially nice if you're in a long distance relationship or if you or your partner travels frequently. The Talking Head holds about four minutes of audio — that's long enough for me.

If you don't have a partner and can't convince a stranger to talk into a dildo, the makers of the Talking Head also sell audio downloads — everything from Juan, the Latin lover to Mistress Jonvieve flogging her slaves. You can preview many of the downloads, and many of them are beyond funny — just make sure you wear your headphones if you're at work.

Although it's a little silly, I still give the Talking Head an A+ for effort. It's nice to see sex-toy technology catching up with these high-tech times. I just hope the makers of the Talking Head can generate enough sales to make a sexier promo video — because this over-scripted commercial featuring "Jessica" definitely is not: