Like A Virgin

Since starting this blog, I have been asked so many questions regarding the width, length and tightness of the vagina — a topic I had no idea was so hotly discussed. Admittedly, I was immediately put off by these inquiries because tightness is so often related to virginity — and I can't stand the notion that virgins are somehow a better conquest than those of us who've been around the block a few (dozen) times. But, I guess it makes sense — penis size is talked about in popular culture all the time.

So, I've done some research on the topic. I spoke to a transgendered guy who has been with many women and says that all vaginas are different — he's been with a petite woman who was easily fisted and a more ample woman who was very tight, forcing him to use a smaller strap-on. I also spoke with a dear friend of mine who borders on obsessed with the tightness of her vagina — she does hundreds of Kegel exercises daily on her commute to work.

I just don't get what all the fuss is about — as long as your vagina works, who cares? Apparently enough people care to warrant the release of this new product from Love Labs (creators of the iBuzz Two). The Inch Perfect is a vibrator that will also help you and your partner measure the depth of your vagina. For what purpose? I have no idea. I figure this toy will either make the male partner feel really, really good about himself. . . or really, really inadequate. Sounds like fun!

I'm all for clever sex toys, but this one just isn't doing it for me. The only noteworthy tidbit about the Inch Perfect is the "How Deep Is Your Love" tagline — because who doesn't like to picture the Bee Gees when you're using your vibe?

The Buzz on Valentine's Day

Last year, a company called Love Labs released an iPod-friendly vibrator called the iBuzz. Now, just in time for Valentine’s Day, Love Labs has introduced the iBuzz Two — an improved version of the original with two vibrating bullets instead of one and no clunky adapter for the headphones. Here's the promo video:

Since I’ve turned into an iPod junky, I was very excited when my iBuzz Two arrived in the mail. But a word to the wise — if you order this product, make sure to have AAA batteries on hand; they’re not included.

After a quick trip to the store, I was ready to get down and dirty (I always wonder what store clerks must think when they see an exasperated woman hurriedly buying batteries and nothing else). Now, if you’re a person who has trouble hooking up the DVD player to the television, the iBuzz might seem intimidating at first — it has lots of wires and sockets. But, have no fear, the simple directions are easy to follow, and I didn’t have any trouble. The iBuzz Two comes with two attachments: a pink bunny to tickle your bits and ring stimulator for a penis or strap-on.

Once your new high-tech vibrator is ready to go, the most challenging part begins — song selection. If you like to warm yourself up bit, go with something more melodic. For me, I like to get right down to business, so I scrolled through my list of songs and decided upon the tune I found most appropriate: “Get Off,” by Prince. The iBuzz responded immediately, bouncing and vibrating along to the groove and deep bass beats. When getting myself off, I tend not to vary the movements too much because I know what works, so I was a bit nervous that the groove would be too varied to push me over the edge. Not so. I found that knowing the song helped — I knew what beats were “coming,” if you know what I mean. . .

I do have a few gripes about the iBuzz Two. I found all the wires to be cumbersome and the blue flashing lights a bit tacky. It was a bit frustrating to have two controllers — the iPod for song selection and volume and the iBuzz for on/off and other vibrations (you can turn the music vibes off and go with the iBuzz’s preprogrammed vibrator settings). I also found having two vibrating bullets really distracting. Having two is almost always better than one, but what if you don’t have a partner and, like me, prefer not to have two body parts vibrating at the same time? The second bullet was buzzing away next to me on the bed — not hot.

Overall, the iBuzz Two would make a fun and memorable Valentine’s Day gift. It’s not often you find a sex toy that works well for both partners at the same time. And if you’re single this Valentine’s Day, pick up the iBuzz Two for yourself. At least you won't be fighting over the controllers.

xoxo
MM

P.S. If you’d like to find a partner to use your iBuzz Two with, you should attend the Seven Days Singles Party this Wednesday at The Green Room! Details here.

What About B.O.B?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I work with a group of women who like to chat and joke about their dating and sex lives. Usually I can keep up, but lately they've been joking about "Bob" — having dates with Bob, getting a new Bob, etc. I don't know who "Bob" is, but they all seem to love him. Can you clue me in so I don't feel so left out?

Thanks,
Leslie

Dear Leslie,

It's not Bob — it's B.O.B, and it stands for Battery Operated Boyfriend (or Babe, depending on who's using it).

I admire your curiosity, but I have to ask: Why are they discussing vibrators at work? Generally offices have rules about this kind of talk precisely for the reason you wrote me a letter — it makes people uncomfortable (just ask my coworkers). I wholeheartedly believe in learning and talking about sex, but the workplace isn't always the best place to do so.

That said, if you're still determined to fit in with your kinky cubicle mates, why not throw an in-home sex toy party at your home and invite them? These days, instead of hosting a Tupperware or cosmetics party at your home, you and your friends can sit around the living room and shop for personal pleasure. You'll be killing two birds with one stone — you'll get into the inner circle at work and become close, personal friends with B.O.B.

Buzz, buzz,
MM

Best Holiday Gift Ever

Have you been struggling with what to get your pervy friends this holiday season? I've got the solution: Let the folks at CelebrityButtPlugs.com make a butt plug in their likeness. For around $125, CelebrityButtPlugs.com will create a toy closely resembling your friend (or foe) from an up-close picture you supply. You should receive your one-of-a-kind toy in about two weeks.

If a butt toy in one's own likeness seems too narcissistic, have a look at their celebrity line of insertables featuring the George Dubya Tush and the ParASS Hilton. My favorite is the Smell Gibson, because as a company spokesperson told me via email: "We have taken celebrities and political figures who are acting like butt plugs and made them into just that!" When asked if CelebrityButtPlugs.com is worried about law suits from celebrities like Tom Cruise, who recently sued adult toy giant Holesome Fun because of their Mission Insertable plug, the company spokesperson replied, "Not yet, but we're hopeful."

Which celebrity would you most like to see on a butt plug?

Step It Up

I've never considered myself much of a foot or shoe fetishist. While I understand the allure of the human foot — soft, sensitive skin, appealing arch and tickly little toes — my gawky size 11s just never seemed to fit the bill. . . until this past weekend. While on a weekend getaway with one of my favorite playthings, I spotted a pair of fire engine-red patent leather 4" heels. These tarty shoes definitely piqued the interest of my partner, so I purchased the last pair in my size. Trust me, the shoes were worth every cent of the $30 I paid for them — he loved them, but more importantly, I felt incredibly sexy wearing my new footwear in bed.  In fact, I get turned on every time I open my closet and see them sitting there. If you're looking to spice things up in the bedroom, I highly suggest picking out some shoes that give you a thrill and slipping them on for your next romp between the sheets.

Which kind of shoes turn you on? Click on your favorite footwear from the list below and see how your taste ranks with other readers.

What type of shoe tickles your fancy most?

Stilettos Cowgirl/cowboy boots Ballet Slippers Thigh-length, High-heeled Boots Birkenstocks

Make Free Online Polls

Do I Make You Horny, Baby?

Talk about grabbing the bull by the horns. A friend and I tried a new toy last night from Athena's Home Novelties. The Ruby Ring is a vibrator designed with two rings to be worn around the penis and scrotum and has a cutesy bull's head on top for clitoral stimulation during intercourse. I was a bit skeptical at first, but this horny little bull gave me the ride of my life. Although advertised as a product for him and her, my guess is that the Ruby Ring would also work quite well with strap-on or anal sex.

As you can probably surmise from the product shot, the penis goes through the inner ring, and the outer ring wraps back behind the scrotum. The vibrating bullet rests inside the bull's head and is removable (handy if you have other toys that require a bullet). The entire toy vibrates, creating quite a buzz for both partners. The inner ring is also quite snug which aids in a longer-lasting erection for him.

All in all, I loved the Ruby Ring, but allow me to save you some time: it's best with the receiving partner on top. We tried it every which way, but unless pressure is constantly applied on the toy, it wasn't very exciting. Also, beware of the vibrator speed. With a new trio of batteries, this little bull is buckin' bronco! I found that "low" or "medium" was comfortable — "super speed" was way too much for this cowgirl.

xoxo,
MM

Creepy Crawly

In most instances I'll advocate for any sex toy that's shaped like a phallus and vibrates, but the Wormie just isn't making me squirmy. Babeland.com says the waterproof Wormie will "look like just another cute bath toy." Why would I want that? I don't have kids, but if I did, I wouldn't want my Wormie splashing around with my child's rubber ducky. Furthermore, as a grown woman without children, I don't particularly want houseguests gazing upon childlike toys in my tub. In fact, if people want to snoop behind my shower curtain, I'd rather give them an eyeful of something more interesting.

If you like the idea of this cutesy little toy worming its way around your sexy bits, it's on clearance now at Babeland.

Big Fun

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My husband and I have been married for 6 years, and we have a 5-year-old son and 3-year-old daughter. I'm a petite person (5'4", 130lbs). My husband, on the other hand, is a giant. He is 6'7" and weighs 290lbs. Finding sexual positions has always been challenging due to our size difference, but we figured out ways to use the living room furniture, the clothes washer and the kitchen counters to correctly align ourselves for lovemaking. However, now that the kids are big enough to sneak out of bed after bedtime, we've been trying to keep our sex life in the bedroom, but it's getting frustrating. He ends up having to hold me in position, which is tiring for him and uncomfortable for me. Can you suggest any new positions?

Thanks,
Katherine

Dear Katherine,

Have you ever heard the saying, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it?" If using furniture helps you line up the goods, consider putting an armchair or loveseat in your bedroom. If you're cramped for space in the bedroom, I suggest putting a lock on the laundry room door. If you and your hubby have had a satisfying sex life up until now, I think you should make some minor adjustments and go about your business.

However, if the above suggestions don't fly, there are products
out there specifically designed to help you. For example, you might want
to check out the Liberator line of lovemaking gear. They specialize in making bedroom accoutrements for the taller-than-average lover. You don't have to be freakishly tall to use these products; you can purchase Liberators for lovers under 5'9", lovers over 6'4" and lovers over 6'7". You can also get some styles in a wider version for plus-size folks. Check out their site for video demonstrations of their products (but perhaps you shouldn't watch at work).

While I haven't personally tested the Liberator products, a 6'6" friend of mine swears by them. I also see that the Liberator products come with a machine washable cover, so when you're washing it, perhaps you and hubby can enjoy the spin cycle.

Kisses,
MM

Can't Restrain Myself

I'm a big fan of restraints. Unfortunately, living in an apartment in the Burlington area, it's a little difficult to maintain the dungeon of my dreams. Instead, I use items that are easily hidden when the landlords come over — silk scarves, handcuffs, etc. So, imagine my delight when I found Under the Bed Restraints by Sportsheets at my friendly local adult shop. This contraption slides between your box spring and mattress, with the arm and ankle restraints dangling out on their respective sides. They work great. I have a king-sized bed, and I was able to set up the product on my own with little difficulty. The straps are long enough to accommodate a petite person and strong enough to hold a 6'6, 300lb man in place (trust me).

My only complaint is with the construction of the actual cuffs — I found the metal rings to be a little weak. Luckily, the cuffs detach easily, so you can use your own!

Have a delicious weekend and play safe.

Fat Friendly, Femme Approved

A friend of mine just sent me a link to InHerTube Harnesses along with her ringing endorsement of the product. She and her heavyset female partner had been struggling to find a harness that was both attractive and comfortable for a larger frame. The InHerTube Harness is custom made from heavy-duty tire materials, and they specialize in fitting even the most ample of partners.

They also have a VERY cool product called the InHerHand Hand Harness. I can think of more than a few fun uses for this one. Not to mention I love the smell and feel of rubber. . .yum!

Get Down to Get Off

Sex and music have always gone together like pie and ice cream. Now a company called Love Labs is taking the relationship to an entirely new level. iBuzz is the latest and greatest geeky sex gadget taking the hipster world by storm. Simply plug iBuzz into your iPod (or any other MP3 player) and select a groove. Then lie back and enjoy the ride. The iBuzz vibrating bullet will hum along to the beat of your favorite music, whether you're in the mood for smooth jazz or thrash metal.

iBuzz comes with accessories for him and her, and it can also be used on its own if your iPod runs out of juice. You can learn more and purchase here.

Just a note: Love Labs released iBuzz in the USA on Steve Jobs' birthday. Got to love a company with a sense of humor.