Weapons of (M)Ass Destruction?

Recently, a good friend of mine flew out of New York's LaGuardia airport for some fun in the sun in Florida. Hoping that she'd get lucky, she packed two gigantic dildos and her harness. (The power of positive thinking, right?)

Upon arriving in Florida and unzipping her suitcase, my friend realized that representatives from the Transportation Security Administration had gone through her luggage. Most of us who fly with any regularity have experienced this — you open your suitcase to find that TSA has "gently" gone through your personal items to ensure you're not traveling with a bomb or other weaponry. How do we know the TSA has done this? They lay a "Notification Form" neatly on top of your things.

Well, in my friend's case, not only did the TSA representative(s) leave one notification, they left two — wrapped tightly around each giant dong, like two cock burritos going for plane ride. Sadly, you can't really see TSA's handy work in this picture, but I'm sure you can use your imagination.

Under the "What We Do" tab on TSA's website, it says, "Together with local airports, we constantly field new equipment and protocols to ensure the latest available technology is used to both screen checked baggage and to maximize efficiency."

Right. Because taking the time to wrap two dildos in TSA paperwork is a shining example of maximized efficiency.

Whatever. I guess we all get bored at work...

Have any funny and/or infuriating travel stories? Feel free to share in comments.

xoxo,
MM

The Friendly S&M Club

Before my recent trip to New York City, my city friends informed me that we would be going to an S&M club called Paddles to attend a monthly party called SWITCH. Billed as, "the all new monthly women/trans/genderqueer bdsm party, in a room of our own, behind closed doors at Paddles," I was anxious to check it out. Living in Vermont, it's difficult to find play parties, let alone an exclusive party for queers in a safe space.

In anticipation of the party, I checked out the Paddles website (not work-friendly, unless your boss would like to see a woman in assless chaps tied to a St. Andrew's Cross). One thing stuck out above all else — the Paddles tag line: The Friendly S&M Club. This cracked me up, and my friends I spent the rest of the time before the trip talking about Paddles and the SWITCH party in a Midwestern accent (you know, because those Midwesterners are so darn friendly). But, what the heck — it's better than it being "The Beat You Up And Take Your Lunch Money S&M Club."

Entering Paddles was all this Vermont girl hoped it would be. Located off a seedy parking garage in a signless building, we walked down a harshly-lit hallway and descended the stairs to the clandestine club. The doorman was, indeed, friendly. Paddles boasts a small bar (serving snacks and soft drinks — no drink and kink) and a few rooms well appointed with apparatuses designed for pleasure. Compared to other city clubs I've been to, Paddles is decidedly small, but I'm guessing some kinksters enjoy a more intimate setting. Beyond a cordoned off area of the club, we found SWITCH.

To our delight, the organizers were quick to welcome us to the party which was already in full swing by 11:30pm. Scanning the room, I found the attendees to be of above-average attractiveness and friendliness. I've been to many parties where all you get is the hairy eyeball, but not at SWITCH — people smiled and nodded, making us feel at ease.

We arrived just in time to see the start of a hot rape scene between three attendees that lasted well over two hours and a piercing scene where a woman was outfitted with needles up and down her back to fashion a corset of ribbon. In case you're not familiar with S&M play, all the activities are 100% consensual and are usually choreographed and agreed upon ahead of time.

And don't worry about being pigeon-holed into a gender category at SWITCH. The organizers say, "gender policies make SWITCH cringe. SWITCH trusts that you can define your own gender (or not) and will not do that for you." My guests and I found this policy to be true upon entering the club with a male friend who identifies as genderqueer but looks like your average gay boy — the door person asked him if he belonged at SWITCH, he responded in the affirmative, and that was that.

You can check out SWITCH every third Friday of the month at Paddles, located at 250 W. 26th street. Bring your gear — and your smile.

xoxo,
MM

More Travel Tips

According to its maker, this pleasurable tool "penetrates deep" with its "pressure-sensitive head" for an "outstanding sensory experience." A new vibrator? Guess again. It's my toothbrush.

The Oral-B Pulsar is a vibrating toothbrush designed to clean deep between teeth — but according to a friend of mine, it's also the best toy to travel with for a mile-high solo experience. On a recent plane ride, a particularly randy friend of mine popped open her new toothbrush for a mid-flight brushing but quickly repurposed the tool when she felt the intense buzz. . .

I've heard of people adding fresh produce, kitchen utensils and other assorted household items to their toy chests, but a toothbrush? Good thing they come in a 3-pack — one for your teeth and two for your pleasure.

-MM

Oh, Canada

I love staying in hotels — the anonymity is delicious and makes me feel like being naughty isn't just permissible, but a requirement. I have friends who have worked in metropolitan hotels for years, and oh, the stories of sex and debauchery they tell! Of course, it helps if the hotel is a 5-star lap of luxury with amazing cuisine, top shelf mini bar and a masseuse at your beck and call. Which brings me to my entry for today. . .

While doing a search for "sex toys" on Google (hey, it's amazing what you'll find when you perform random searches), I came across a New York Times item about Drake Hotels, a boutique hotel chain in Canada. The Drake has taken its customer service to an entirely new level by adding "pleasure kits" to its lush room service menu. According to press clippings on the Drake's website, you can order up massage oils, velvet restraints, how-to videos and vibrators (brand new, of course). Kits start at $35 and hotel staffers expedite delivery so you don't lose the mood.

My only question — how much does one tip for such a service?

Travel Tips

A word of advice for sex-positive travelers: put your lube in the checked luggage.

I had a flight out of BTV on Friday, and I mistakenly thought the ban on carry-on liquids had been lifted. I always travel with my lube in my carry-on bag — one too many messy lube explosions in my suitcase. But, as I learned, carrying on the lube can create an even stickier situation. Approaching the security line, I noticed people presenting their liquid-based personal effects in a Ziploc bag. Uh-oh. Luckily a friendly fellow traveler offered up an extra bag. I threw the bottle of lube in the baggy along with my mascara, lip gloss and hair product. In the midst of taking off my shoes, fishing my laptop out of its case and emptying the change from my pockets, I noticed the security agent eyeing my lube. He opened the Ziploc, examined the bottle, then motioned for another security worker to assist him. After conferring with one another for a few moments and successfully piquing the interest of all the travelers in line behind me, they informed me that my bottle of lube was too large to be taken on the plane. Apparently, all carry-on liquids cannot be over 3-ounces in size. So, I had to say goodbye to my brand new bottle of lube. My only consolation: fantasizing about the security agent taking my lube home for his own personal use— he was hot.

Don't repeat my mistake! Check out the latest travel guidelines before you get to the airport.

Over the years I've grown accustomed to sideways glances from airport security officials when my baggage passes through the x-ray machine — it's hard to mistake a dildo or butt plug for hair gel. If you prefer to be a bit more discrete about your sexual proclivities when traveling, Toys in Babeland offers some great incognito toys for travel.