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September 25, 2008

Double Nipple Ripple? PETA's Modest Proposal.

Let's get something straight: PETA and its members don't really want you to eat ice cream made with human breast milk. You've probably heard about the organization's recent letter to Ben & Jerry's, suggesting that the company replace milk from tortured, factory-farmed cows with human milk (in case you haven't, it's reprinted below). But the gross-out reaction it's getting from most media people is kind of missing the point.

PETA members don't see a nursing mother and think: "Ditch that baby and make me some Chunky Monkey." What the animal-rights group does want is for companies and consumers to think a bit harder about where the animal products they consume come from. And although their tactics are often pretty wild, I agree with them in principle, and strive to avoid purchases that support factory farming.

That said, they've provided us with an excellent opportunity for some linguistic fun. Yesterday, on my weekly spot on the Charlie & Ernie Show (620 AM WVMT, Wednesday mornings from 9:10 to 9:30), Charlie told me that their listeners had been calling in with suggestions for naming human-milk ice cream. Here are a few (If you're not amused by vulgarity, please skip down to the letter):

  • PETA Butter Crunch (vanilla and peanut butter ice cream with crushed animal crackers)
  • Double Nipple Ripple
  • Tutti Fruiti Booby
  • Choco Knockers
  • Chocolate Nips
  • Double D Crunch

My contributions:

  • Straw-bra-berry
  • Mammary Munch
  • T&A (Mammary Munch swirled with Ben & Jerry's Cinnamon Buns -- a real flavor)
  • Nipple Chip (if you put this atop a banana, it's a Nipple Chip Tit Split)
  • Peanut Butter B-Cup
  • La Leche League Dulce de Leche

The Letter:

September 23, 2008

Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, Cofounders

Ben & Jerry's Homemade Inc.

Dear Mr. Cohen and Mr. Greenfield,

On behalf of PETA and our more than 2 million members and supporters, I'd like to bring your attention to an innovative new idea from Switzerland that would bring a unique twist to Ben and Jerry's.

Storchen restaurant is set to unveil a menu that includes soups, stews, and sauces made with at least 75 percent breast milk procured from human donors who are paid in exchange for their milk. If Ben and Jerry's replaced the cow's milk in its ice cream with breast milk, your customers-and cows-would reap the benefits.

Using cow's milk for your ice cream is a hazard to your customer's health. Dairy products have been linked to juvenile diabetes, allergies, constipation, obesity, and prostate and ovarian cancer. The late Dr. Benjamin Spock, America's leading authority on child care, spoke out against feeding cow's milk to children, saying it may play a role in anemia, allergies, and juvenile diabetes and in the long term, will set kids up for obesity and heart disease-America's number one cause of death.

Animals will also benefit from the switch to breast milk. Like all mammals, cows only produce milk during and after pregnancy, so to be able to constantly milk them, cows are forcefully impregnated every nine months. After several years of living in filthy conditions and being forced to produce 10 times more milk than they would naturally, their exhausted bodies are turned into hamburgers or ground up for soup.

And of course, the veal industry could not survive without the dairy industry. Because male calves can't produce milk, dairy farmers take them from their mothers immediately after birth and sell them to veal farms, where they endure 14 to17 weeks of torment chained inside a crate so small that they can't even turn around.

The breast is best! Won't you give cows and their babies a break and our health a boost by switching from cow's milk to breast milk in Ben and Jerry's ice cream? Thank you for your consideration.

Tracy Reiman
Executive Vice President

The B&J Response:

"We applaud PETA's novel approach to bringing attention to an issue, but we believe a mother's milk is best used for her child."

So do the folks from PETA, I'm guessing. Even when the mother in question is a cow.


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Erik Swanson

I got really high listening to Phish and drank my kid's breast milk

Nebraska super corn-fed tits

Peanut Butter D-cup

Breast Pump Fudge Chunk

Chubby Teen Mother

Rolling Stones Little T&A Breast milk fudge peanut chunk

Planned Parenthood Swirl

Titty Twister

Bad Trip

Miss Vermont

Red Hot Chili Peppers Mother's Milk (with organic chipotle peppers)

Bernie Sanders' Public Teat

Bong Full of Breast Milk

Bob Weir-d Ice Cream

Welcome to Big Pink Nipple

And my personal favorite-

Jackass: the Ice Cream

Walter Jeffries

You gotta admit it's an titillating idea... Due to limits on supply I suspect Ben & Jerry's would be best to just offer a premium ice cream selection along this line for budding breast connoisseurs. Of course, they would want only the finest ingredients so they would have Certified Naturally Grown for their, er, contributing herds. Then they could advertise "Beyond Organic - Free Ranged Women on Mountain Pastures of Vermont" or something like that. Check out my blog post on this...

Jeremy Kumin

Some names/comments my friends and I came up with:

Potential names for Ben and Jerry's new breast milk ice cream:

1. Nipple Ripple
2. Double D-licious
3. Tasty Pasty
4. B-B-B-B-B-B-B-Banana
5. Motorboat Mango
6. Funbag crunch
7. Bra-Buster Bars
8. Leave it to Cleavage
9. Mammary-sus cup
10. Cookie and her cream
11. Lusciously Lactic
12. Bodacious Boobie Berry
13. The Twin Peaks Sundae (with cherries on top)
14. "What-a-melon!" watermelon
15. Bazooka Joe (coffee flavored ice cream)
16. Moose-rack
17. Silicone Sister Sorbet
18. Pendulous praline
19. Jiggly crunch
20. Tahiti Teat
21. Titillating Tiramisu
22. Cookies and Creamers
23. Mama's Mammary Madness
24. Busted Cherry non-virgin Vanilla
25. Back off, Junior! mint

What is shelf life on mother's milk. They better have a used by date, here's how it should read.

"Breast if used by 34/24/34".

Container sizes would now be referred to as "A" cup, "B" cup, "C" cup, etc.

Sugar-free sundaes could be referred to as "falsies"

You could get your ice-cream in an extra large SILI-CONE

Push-ups would never be the same

"Saggy" sundaes would be served with the cherry on the BOTTOM


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Wow, this is a novel idea. It's something like A Modest Proposal by Johnathan Swift. I think it's interesting because it honestly isn't a bad idea. I am sure there would be plenty of regulations in order to make sure that the milk was okay for drinking and sanitary and everything, and honestly they can make anything taste like anything these days. The milk would be just as good as the cows milk, other than the fact that people can't accept that it's ethical. I'm not a vegetarian at all and I don't see how people can think that it's more ethical to torture an animal than to reward a woman for something that she produces naturally and obviously is not using all of. Anyway, although the idea won't fly, it's still a good one.

perfit hollywood florida

I don't think it's a very good idea. Next thing they'll do is to mass produce humans, place women in factories and squeeze the hell of their titties so that we could get a substitute for dairy products.

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