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Monday, May 26, 2008

Screw You, Marathon

I was having such a good weekend. Nay, a great weekend. And then something went horribly awry . . .

I caught a new (to me, anyway) band at Red Square on Friday evening — Lendway, who pleasantly surprised me with a sound reminiscent of under-appreciated late 1990s Detroit alt-pop outfit The Waxwings. I had a nice, if somewhat bizarre, dinner at the Green Room with my girlfriend before she left town for the weekend — I say bizarre because the joint apparently doubles as a waiting room for What Ale's You after 9 p.m. . . . ugh. I followed that up with drinks at Flatbread and then caught a great set by Ryan Ober with The Jazz Guys at Metronome. All around, a solid night.

Saturday, I took full advantage of having the house to myself for the first time in months by settling in on the couch with my furry life-partner Buckley for a delightfully greasy dinner from Beansie's. I topped that off by watching my beloved Celtics pummel the Pistons for dessert. Again, a great night.

But the next morning, things would take a decided turn for the worse. There I was, nestled all snug in my bed while visions of NBA titles danced in my head when . . . BAM! I was sucker punched by Kid Rock.Kid_rock_2 Not literally, of course. But what roused me that morning was so indescribably and offensively loud, I woke up nearly certain the dude was playing in my bedroom.

It took me a moment to grasp the situation. As comprehension slowly dawned and I realized that it was Marathon Sunday and as I live practically on top of the start line at Battery Park, I resigned myself to getting out of bed, figuring that I must have overslept. After all, no one in their right mind would blast music over a loudspeaker — especially music as indefensibly sucktacular as Kid Rock — before, like, 10 a.m., right?

Wrong.

As my bleary eyes fell upon my alarm clock, I did a triple take. Seven? SEVEN? Are you fucking kidding me?! I strolled into the living room to find Buckley whimpering on the couch, his head quite literally buried under the back cushions — this is something he does quite frequently and leads me to believe he may actually be part ostrich.

I peered out the window to discover Battery Park positively coursing with very skinny people wearing very short shorts and nipple tape. Slackjawed, I descended the steps to my back yard just in time to catch a middle-aged man — in short shorts and nipple tape — urinating on my fence . . . my chain link fence. Aghast, I wasn't sure if I should I should look away in embarrassed modesty or yell at the guy. I went with the latter.

"Oh, come on!" I exclaimed. "Aren't there, like, 50 port-o-lets across the street?" There were. And they looked simply lovely framing the park, I must tell you — you haven't lived until you've seen the sun setting over the Adirondacks, Lake Champlain and 50 bright blue plastic shitters.

"Oh, yeah. Sorry," he said before smiling and trotting away in that obnoxiously smug manner that hardcore health nuts largely seem to possess. Nonplussed, Buck trotted over to the fence and peed on it, marking his territory, all the while staring at our discourteous interloper as if to say That's my fence, pal. My fence.

By this point, the noise from the park had gone from suck to blow as two blithering yahoos from a local talk radio station simulcasting the event began to describe the proceedings — at near painful volume — and reminisced about the weather from past marathons. Remember when it snowed that year? Yup. Man that sucked. Yup. Sure is nice out today, though. Yup.

Some sporting events are wonderful on radio. For example, if given the choice, I'd almost prefer to listen to baseball than watch it. Other events like, say, NASCAR, don't translate as well — "And here comes Dale Jr. . . . I think he's gonna turn left  . . . yep! He turned left! Great left turn there from Junior!" Marathons appear to fall under the latter category.

I have to say that I was at the end of my rope by this point. Enraged, I did what any rational citizen would do and called the police — whose station I can see from my kitchen. Here's how it went down:

BPD: Burlington Police.

DB: Uh, yeah. I'd like to file a noise complaint.

BPD: OK. Against who?

DB: The Burlington Marathon, please.

BPD: The Bu . . . what?

DB: Yeah. I'd like to file a complaint against the marathon. It's seven in the morning, they woke me up and I can hardly hear myself think. I want to file a complaint.

BPD: You can't . . . I mean, there's nothing we can do. It's been advertised for months. You should have known.

DB: I should have known that I would be ousted from a dead sleep at 7 o'clock on a Sunday morning by some schmuck blasting Kid Rock? No way. You guys need to tell them to turn it down and you need to do it now.

BPD: I'm sorry sir, but this is a permitted event . . .

DB: I'm sure it is. And I'm also sure that on that permit there is a noise regulation. I'm even more sure that if you were to measure the decibels in my bedroom right now, they would be in violation.

BPD: Well I . . . um, would you like to speak to the officer on call?

DB: OK.

Clicking sounds as I'm transferred . . .

BPGD: You've reached the voice mail for Officer I. Dontgiveashit (not his real name, for privacy reasons). I'm unavailable to take your . . .

I hung up.

Resigned to the fact that I was left no recourse but to wait it out, I poured myself some iced coffee and returned to the back yard. As I sat down, the radio morons were introducing Miss Vermont, who was set to sing the national anthem. I groaned audibly.

In fairness, "The Star Spangled Banner" might be the most difficult song to sing in the history of music. The phrasing is awkward, the melody is ugly and spans an octave and a half. Few singers have the talent to pull it off. Poor Miss Vermont is not one of them.

She got about as far as "By the dawn's early light" before going painfully flat. By the time she got to "Whose broad stripes and bright stars," she was in a new key entirely and still slipping. By the end of the song I was seriously considering applying for Canadian citizenship.Ashleywheeler

Her saving grace was resisting the urge to Mariah Carey up the ending. Though that didn't warrant the radio announcer's comment that she "knocked it out of the ballpark! Alright!"

I have nothing against the marathon or marathon runners, per se. It's a huge event and a boon for the local economy. I suppose this would be part of the story where I claim that "some of my best friends are marathon runners" — actually, that's true. I know a few people who ran this year.

But it seems to me that the marathon organizers should take greater care to minimize the impact of the event on the people who call Burlington home. If that was a rock band playing in the park, the police would have been all over it. I've even seen them tell bands to turn down the volume and I can almost guarantee it will happen again this summer when the Thursday night concert series resumes.

But because the marathon a big freakin' event with the mayor in attendance, the best the police can do for agitated citizens is voice mail. There oughta be a law.

Oh wait, there is.

Comments

brookezilla

Dude, I would high-five you right now for calling the cops if I could. I live on Pine Street, and this is my second year having to deal with being directly on the route. Previously, I merely saw the marathon as a good excuse to not leave my house, because I lived in the Old North End, and was completely surrounded by it. No way out. But this year, I was awoken at 8 AM by an ass with a COWBELL. Seriously? My Gaybor, who has lived in our building for 6 years, has learned to leave town every Memorial Day. He doesn't go on vacation, he hides from the marathon at his mother's house.

Can we start a campaign to get the city to encourage people to not be assholes during the marathon? I feel like a cantankerous old lady harping on the marathon when I'm harping alone.

Sean

C'mon Dan, you wouldn't care if the Red Sox were playing in Battery Park at 7am. The marathon is world class, nationally known event that brings in not just a bunch of money for the city, but positive attention from people accross the country who have come to our city and put forth a great effort to run the race. It's hard enough to train for and then run a marathon without you complaining about it.

dan

Huh?

You're right, Sean. The next time the Sox play at Battery Park, I'll run a retraction.

And if any runners out there have quit training because of the online ramblings of a sleep-deprived music writer, I sincerely apologize. Keep reaching for that rainbow!

dan

And if the Sox tabbed Miss Vermont to to sing the national anthem when they play in Battery Park — presumably against Nuke LaLoosh and Crash Davis' Durham Bulls — then yes. I'm afraid I would care.

Mercury007

Sean's comment perfectly exemplifies the reason I hate marathoners.

REBECCA

YES, I couldn't have said it better. I have lived on North Ave, in the north end for years. I can not stress how obnoxious, I find the marathon to be. I have "smartened up" and always try to leave town during the event. I too have been awakened by awful banjo playing on North Ave at seven in the morning. Yes, lets not forget the garbage people have left on the my front green space, water bottles and trash. The only people who find this event to be harmless are people who don't live on the marathon route. I also find it to be true, that if it were a rock band at Battery Park, there would be a complaint made successfully. I just have to give you kudos; it is about time people stood up to this glorification of jock-straps, and disturbance to Burlington’s peace. I do wish people did not have to leave their homes, or hide out, because of the marathon. The part that really proves that these people don't really care because they don't live in that area of Burlington, is the heaps of trash they leave behind in the neighborhood I reside in. If I ever have an anti-marathon party, or rally, I would be honored to invite you. Thanks for sharing; now I know I am not alone on this one.

Rebecca

YES, I couldn't have said it better. I have lived on North Ave, in the north end for years. I can not stress how obnoxious, I find the marathon to be. I have "smartened up" and always try to leave town during the event. I too have been awakened by awful banjo playing on North Ave at seven in the morning. Yes, lets not forget the garbage people have left on the my front green space, water bottles and trash. The only people who find this event to be harmless are people who don't live on the marathon route. I also find it to be true, that if it were a rock band at Battery Park, there would be a complaint made successfully. I just have to give you kudos; it is about time people stood up to this glorification of jock-straps, and disturbance to Burlington’s peace. I do wish people did not have to leave their homes, or hide out, because of the marathon. The part that really proves that these people don't really care because they don't live in that area of Burlington, is the heaps of trash they leave behind in the neighborhood I reside in. If I ever have an anti-marathon party, or rally, I would be honored to invite you. Thanks for sharing; now I know I am not alone on this one.

Tyler M

There are truly few sights less attractive than an enormous mob of sweaty people in running gear at the end of a race. I knew this too well during my high school cross country years. Also I always insisted on shorts that actually went down to my knees, and never using athletic tape for anything (least of all my nipples).

And that prioritizing of style over results is why I was never much more than an average XC runner.

casey

Having lived in your apartment (previous residents include member[s?] of Phish), I can attest to the horribleness of the situation.

Awesome pad, though.

EB

Cousin Dan, you are a rock star. And a pretty damn funny one at that.

ben

dan,
when will you realize that people who get up early are better than you? Hey at least it wasn't some dude weed-eating at dawn.

Ari

One of my last memories of (living in) Burlington is walking from my place on Johnson St. to somewhere (maybe the co-op?) one morning and being confronted with roadblocks everywhere I tried to cross Pearl Street. It was early fall, so I don't think it was the marathon, maybe a bike race? Anyway, it was a but frustrating.

In Chicago, streets gets closed down every summer for street festivals pretty often, but in order to do it there's an application process and a petition that has to have a certain number of signatures from neighbors approving it. At least then you'd know when that going down (I mean, who wouldn't sign a paper saying it was OK for BOC to play outside their door?). OK, that's different from marathon runners... you seriously had no idea the marathon was this weekend?

dan

Well, the issue isn't really whether or not I knew the marathon was Sunday. How could I not? The army of port-o-pottys had been up since Thursday. However, I can honestly say I had no idea that the "festivities" would begin at 7 o'clock. On the Lord's Day, no less!

The issue is that noise ordinances from house parties to public events — such as rock shows, street performance and, let's say, marathons — exist to protect the citizens of Burlington from excessive noise pollution. If you have a better way of defining "Bawitabaw" played at ear-shattering volume that early in the day, I'm all ears . . . speak loudly though. I'm still a bit hard of hearing.

I'm a heavy sleeper and few noises — including my alarm clock, I'm afraid — have the ability to wake me from a deep slumber. The fact that the marathon did tells me they were way out of line. I don't take kindly to anyone screwing with my precious sleepy time, least of all 8,000 yahoos in nipple tape.

Well, now I just sound bitter . . .

dan

Re-reading that last comment, I should clarify that my issue isn't really with the runners, per se — though the whole "nipple tape" thing tickles my adolescent funny bone endlessly.

If the noise was limited to "running sounds" — grunting, footfalls, "I think I can, I think I can," etc. — I'm pretty sure I would have slept right through it. Alas . . .

DAN S.

I ran the VT City Marathon in 2001. Afterward my nipples bled. I wish I had used nipple tape. I loathe Kid Rock. But in general I think we should strive to tolerate each other's obnoxiousness by recognizing that while people have vastly different ideas of what constitutes a good time, a good time is nevertheless usually loud.

Justin Boland

That was a great read, I got some chuckles and entertainment and I thank you.

nightrunner

I am with you 100% Dan. I'm a runner who is a night person. Have been pretty much since birth. I work nights and weekends and find the ungodly times races start to be arcane..which is why I want to start a night race (or at least one that begins in the early afternoon in the fall). At 7a.m. after working till 12 or 1 a.m. I definitely don't want to hear people screaming or the ridiculous cowbells (which are right up there with those bicycle bells. just yell at me to get out of the way. it would be less annoying). Kudos to you Dan.

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