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Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Vick's VapoRub

(Editor's note: This post comes to us from regular 7D music section contributor and occasional Solid State blogger, John Pritchard. Yes, it's about sports. But it's also freakin' hilarious. I think you'll enjoy it, even if grown men playing a kid's game in funny pants ain't your bag. -DB)


With the dawn of another football season just weeks away, it's been difficult to ignore the media morality circus surrounding the NFL's reinstatement of convicted dog fighting kingpin Michael Vick, who returns to the field tomorrow night.

One would think the PETP protest lines would trump the beer lines at NFL stadiums on days these gentleman (and I use that term loosely) were anywhere near a gridiron. I too find it rather despicable that a man capable of such inhumane acts on dogs has been granted the opportunity to regain his job throwing pig parts around for the official sports vehicle for my second favorite macro-brew. What kind of example is this for the kids?

It's time for a long look in the mirror. Where does Vick rank amongst all time NFL goats, er, greats?

9. Plaxico Burress, New York Giants: Plax toted a handgun to a New York nightclub but could not ward off that most elusive of assailants: himself. He fumbled the gun — which he carried tucked in his sweatpants and it accidentally went off — injuring his million dollar leg and foolish pride. The incident sparked a nationwide debate on holster laws. Game day status: Two years imprisonment; lifetime of embarrassment.

8. Joe Namath, New York Jets: This lovable 70's pop icon was America's favorite drunk uncle until he voiced his complete disregard for 'the team struggling' during a nationally televised lunge in 2008, garnering a cultural penalty flag for illegal contact. Game day status: Hasn't been invited back to America's collective family gatherings since.

7. Frank Gifford, New York Giants: Lured by an airline stewardess and bagged by a tabloid-installed hidden camera cheating on his wife. Where was the offensive line on this play? Some protection scheme — he just never saw 'em coming. Game day status: The more-famous Mrs. Gifford-Philbin was later accused of quarterbacking sweatshop labor for K-Mart, and Frank's infidelity scandal thinned out like a poorly made sweatshirt during a backyard scrimmage.

6. Lawrence Taylor, New York Giants: L.T. liked to party … a lot. And while that's no crime, this NFL legend is remembered more for tackling prostitutes, crack and gallons of liquor then he is for tackling opposing quarterbacks — even claiming to purchase such treats anonymously for opposing players the night before games. Now that's encroachment! Game day status: Now speaks of fun and dangers of drugs and alcohol, Dances with Stars.

5. Rae Carruth, Carolina Panthers: Carruth was speedy receiver with sound hands, a member of the league's 1997 All-Rookie team. But all would agree he was more-then-a-little out of bounds in 1999 when he thought it would be a good idea to lead a conspiracy to murder his pregnant girlfriend. Questionable, indeed, when your career highlight reel is an episode of American Justice. Game day status: Doing 20 years.

4. Ray Lewis, Baltimore Ravens: The ten-time all-star and league icon has been nothing but a gentleman and a scholar during his NFL tenure, discounting one minor slip up: his suspected involvement in a double homicide after a 4AM nightclub brawl on — of all nights — Super Bowl Sunday (OK, so it was technically Monday.) His piercing of the Giants offense one year later earned him Super Bowl MVP and all was pretty much forgotten, not unlike the flavor in the ironically named "life water" he now touts. Game day status: Pleaded guilty to a lesser charge; settled out of court with victims families, eying post-playing career role in Naked Gun 44 1/4

3. Donte Stallworth, Cleveland Browns: Stallworth was one of the leagues premier receivers until last year, when he intercepted a Florida pedestrian with his Bentley. Stallworth later claimed that he "flashed his lights" at the jaywalker. But the 59 year old man — a construction worker on his way home after an all-night shift — later died. Donte's two-point conversion: he was drunk and speeding at the time, merely taking an air-out ride after an all-night bender. No dogs were harmed. Game day status: Twenty-four days in jail, out of court settlement, one year NFL suspension

2. Michael Vick, Philadelphia Eagles: Does Philadelphia play in Cleveland (a.k.a. the Dawg Pound) this season? That would mark the first game in NFL history where an opposing team would desperately avoid the end zone. It's probably only a matter of time before the true class act of the Vick family, Michael's brother Marcus, regains some headlines again. Blow the whistle! He just did. Game day status: Two years in jail. Vick now claims to be on a personal mission to advocate for animal rights, so what if it's two unannounced hours at a back alley Philadelphia animal shelter signing autographs once every off-season.

1. O.J. Simpson, Buffalo Bills: With a stalwart 99.9%, Simpson is the NFL's all time leader in one crucial but obscure statistical percentage: Almost-Making-Michael-Vick-Look-Like-a-Half-Way-Decent-Guy. Game day status: Vick could swallow a goldfish during the Superbowl half-time show and not even come close to this Hall of Famer.

Please e-mail me if you know where I can get a Vick #7 in cat sizes.


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