Blog Retired

Mistress Maeve's blog has been retired. But don't worry! She's still dispensing advice and taking questions. You can read Mistress Maeve's column each week at sevendaysvt.com. Click here to see this week's column and the full archive.

Date Night, Hate Night

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly five years. When we met, we were just out of grad school, still went out on week nights and ate ramen noodles and drank Miller Lite to save cash. Back then, the only entertainment we could afford was getting it on. Now we're both "young professionals" who work 60 hours per week and barely have the energy for happy hour on Fridays, let alone marathon weekend sex (which we used to have all the time). We are still partners in crime, and I love him madly, but I miss him. I cringe at the thought of instituting "date night" — seems like something couples do to rekindle their love lives when there's nothing left. Yet, at the same time, I want more time with him. I'm sick of going to bed every night, him with his work papers and me with my Blackberry. Can we get the excitement back without becoming a cliché?

Signed,
Date Night Deserter

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Dear Deserter,

Why on earth is your Blackberry going to bed with you? If you're not using the phone's vibrate setting for personal pleasure, that device shouldn't be anywhere near your bed. If you are missing the intimacy that you and your “partner in crime” once shared, start by making your bed a no-work and no-technology zone — the time you spend under the sheets should be focused on each other.

Unfortunately, Hollywood likes to portray "date night" as a chore that tired, lustless couples must perform on a weekly basis. But just because it gets a bad rap on television doesn't mean there's no merit to date night. The reality is, if you don't carve out time for your relationship — and nobody else will do it for you — you'll risk drifting farther apart.

My advice is to grab some ramen noodles and Miller Lite, toss your man's briefcase and your Blackberry in a closet, and get back to your old selves — if only just for one date night. After you've reconnected, make some ground rules: No work in bed, at least one night a week to focus on each other, and at least one weekend per month for marathon sex. It may be a little cheesy, but you have to remember — cheese is delicious.

xoxo,
MM

Sexless in the City

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My boyfriend of four years and I have not had sex in almost 18 months. I have tried EVERYTHING, from getting mad and upset to asking for permission to sleep with other people.

He has always had performance problems, and I've tried to be understanding, but he won't talk about it or go to a doctor. As much as I'd like to think that the problem lies with him, I have tried to proposition two other guys and got shot down by both of them, too. I am, unfortunately, in a position where I can't leave him (yet). My self-esteem and confidence are both shot. Any other suggestions?

Signed,
Celibate and Hating It

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Dear C.A.H.I.,

I could give you advice on how to get your sex life and intimacy back on track, but would it matter? In the face of adversity in your relationship, you turned to propositioning other men as the solution. I shouldn't have to tell you this, but cheating isn't going to help. Further, even if those men had taken you up on your advances, your confidence and self-esteem would most likely still be in the toilet. You all but say you'll be out the door as soon as you're in a position to do so — which leads me to believe this relationship is over.

If any part of you wants to repair this relationship, it's time to have a serious chat with your guy. Tell him that you love him (if you do) and insist that you visit a professional together to address your intimacy issues and his possible sexual dysfunction. Let him know that if he's unwilling to work on these issues in a therapeutic environment, you will end the relationship.

Your partner can ask you to be patient and understanding, so long as he's pursuing a solution to your relationship's problems. He cannot, however, ask you to suffer while he goes on ignoring his issues. 

Good luck,
MM

Strapless

Hello Mistress,

My partner and I (both women) have been together for seven amazing years. I am sexually satisfied and can say with confidence that she feels the same way. We use a strap-on dildo (she on me only), which we both enjoy immensely. The only problem is, she won't let me watch her put it on. She goes so far as to make me wait in another room while she straps it on; then she hops under the blanket so I can't catch a glimpse.

I've tried telling her what a turn-on it is for me to be part of the "transformation," but it doesn't do any good. She likes to watch me give her blow jobs, so what’s the deal? I don't even think she knows why she's uncomfortable with it. I don't want to be a typical human and want the one thing I cannot have, but just the sound of buckles clicking into place turns me on.

Signed,
Harnessed

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Dear Harnessed,

I am normally a proponent of couples sharing most everything, inside and outside the bedroom. However, I've been around the block enough to know that women, butches, transmen and any other humans who use a strap-on can form intensely intimate relationships with these gender-blurring toys.
You say that your partner doesn't know why she's uncomfortable allowing you to watch her strap it on, but have you asked her? Let your own desires go for a moment and ask her about her relationship with her strap-on. How does it make her feel? What makes that moment so intimate that she would prefer not sharing it with you? Her answers could run the gamut from gender-identity questions to simple bashfulness.

Because your partner likes to watch you go down on her dildo, I am more apt to think she is simply having a good time with the illusion. If she's getting into the gender role-play, can't you see why she wouldn't want the fantasy interrupted by you watching her wriggle the harness straps up her thighs? The bottom line is: If your partner feels more sexy keeping her pregame private, let her. It sounds like you're a very satisfied woman, so stop thinking about what you want and start honoring your partner's erotic process. Trust me, you'll benefit, too.

Strapping,
MM

Stuck on You

Dear Mistress Maeve,

Here's a tough one: How do you fall out of love? I hooked up with a guy about two years ago and have been stuck on him since. We have developed a great friendship, but I still find myself wanting more. Having talked to him about it, he says he cannot be available to me in those ways. I've dated and had sex with other men, only to find myself wishing they were him. I have even stopped in the middle of a sexual encounter because I thought about him and felt emotional distress.

I feel like a fish out of water. I've got a lot of sexual experience, but my relationship experience is very limited. Normally I play it cool and don't let my heart get involved. These feelings make me think I'm crazy. So, how do I break the spell?

Signed,
Seriously Stuck in Montpelier

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Dear Stuck,

You deserve a pat on the back. You probably can't see it through your lovesick eyes, but this heartache is good for you. You're more comfortable playing it cool, not getting your heart involved and keeping your relationships more physical than emotional. With this guy, you busted out of your comfort zone and made a giant leap into love. Sure, you got burned for it, but it will make you a better, more understanding lover in the future.

To get over it, ditch all this language about being “seriously stuck” and “under a spell.” That's bullshit. Your heart is hurt, but you are perfectly capable of picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and moving forward. It's not going to be easy, but you've got to remember that if he's emotionally unavailable or just not into you, he's not “the one.”

It's nice that you've developed a friendship with him, but think hard about whether remaining close to him is healthy for you right now. From what you said, he seems capable of articulating his needs, so I'm sure he'll understand if you need some distance. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder — but sometimes it can help the heart heal faster.

Tough love,
mm

Pudge Nudge

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My partner has gone a bit pudgy since we got into our committed relationship. I know I shouldn't let this get in the way, but it sort of does for me. Each year my partner gets a little more pudgy, and some feature or curve that I once enjoyed disappears.

I know from reading your column that you're totally pro-plus size, and I don't want to feel bad about this situation. I feel sort of stuck. I like my partner a great deal, but sex with my partner isn't something I look forward to. No idea what to do. I brought it up a few years ago, and, as you might imagine, it didn't go over well. I don't know what to do. I guess just deal with it and learn to accept it?

What would you say to a friend in this situation?

Signed,
Pudge Nudge

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Dear P.N.,

I'm not so much "pro-plus size" as I am "pro-realism." We all come in different shapes, sizes and looks — and we change over time. People go bald, lose muscle definition, get wrinkles and gain weight. If you want to have a great sex life into your golden years, you better learn not only to accept these inevitable changes in your partner, but to eroticize them. That is, unless you'd prefer to exchange the benefits of a relationship for a life of chasing partners 20 years your junior — but that seems like a lonely and pathetic way to go.

To a friend in this situation, I would say: You will experience a much hotter, more satisfying love life when you understand that the best sex is born from both physical and intellectual attraction. I would urge my friend to examine what's really going on. If a relationship is strongly rooted in love, respect and attraction, a few missing curves shouldn't be a deal breaker. Perhaps, on reflection, my friend would see that there's more wrong in the relationship than a partner who has "gone a bit pudgy." A true love would be able to overcome much more than that.

Pushin’ the cushion,
MM

Knee Pads or Walking Boots?

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I have been with my man for almost three years, and we've experienced levels of generosity, intimacy, intensity and creativity in our bed that have been both important and delightful.

Here is the problem: He prefers orgasm from oral sex and wants frequent blow jobs. I prefer coitus. "Sixty-nine" doesn't seem to work for him, despite my best efforts. The best-case scenario happens when he abstains from orgasm during coitus, and I go down on him after I'm satisfied — both of us are happy. The problem is, he rarely holds back his orgasm during coitus. He wants "stand-alone blow jobs," independent of our frequent fucking. In these "blow-job-only instances," I am left hanging because he loses interest in amour immediately after orgasm.

He feels neglected and frustrated, and I feel he's asking me to forgo my pleasure so he gets what he wants. His communication is not always charming about this issue. Any suggestions? Because I'm about to toss the knee pads for some walking boots.

Signed,
Pursed Lips or Bared Teeth?

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Dear PL or BT,

It's time to communicate and negotiate. Stand-alone blow jobs can be fun for both partners, but not if you're feeling pressure to perform. As with work, exercise and taxes — when you're told you "must" do it, all the fun gets sucked out of it (pun intended).

You don't seem to have a problem with the knee pads, so long as you get equal consideration. Have a calm, thoughtful talk with your man. Let him know that, while you want to put stand-alone BJs back into the rotation, he first needs to show you he's willing to meet your needs, too. Kindly request that he put more effort into holding back during intercourse so you can administer your oral stylings after you've gotten off. (He's lucky you're willing to do that — many women are not.) Further, when he wants a stand-alone without intercourse, ask him to initiate the interlude by giving you some oral or digital pleasure. True stand-alones are definitely OK, but most sexual encounters should be give and take — it keeps both partners feeling satisfied and appreciated.

If your man cannot agree to putting in a little more effort, be sure to let him know about your walking boots: He needs to understand you're serious about this issue of satisfaction equality.

Fair is fair,
MM

Talking Openly

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I'm a civil unioned guy, and I love my husband of 10 years. I also have a lover (barely legal to drink) who adores my nearly-50-year-old self. Sex with my young lover is amazing, like it used to be when I first got together with my partner. My husband knows about my lover, and he's glad I have him because he has no interest in providing me with the same strenuous workouts in bed.

Unfortunately, sex with my lover is only a once- or twice-a-year thing, for a few days at a time, when he visits New England. Here's the question: My lover proposed that I travel down to see him, and my husband states he has no qualms about it. Should I do it, or should I not open that chapter?

Sincerely,
How Far Should I Go?

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Dear How Far,

Sounds like you have a formula that works between your husband and your lover, and you're worried about spoiling the recipe by adding too many ingredients. You have a valid concern — it's not easy finding a healthy balance in an open relationship, and it seems like you're worried about messing up a good thing by getting greedy.

First and foremost, you must decide what you want. Are you chomping at the bit to visit your lover, or are you content with how things are? If you feel compelled to transform your twice-per-year trysts into quarterly occurrences, it's time to have a serious talk with your husband. Let him know that, while you appreciate his easygoing attitude about your boy toy, you would feel more comfortable setting up expectations and boundaries from the get-go. Having this conversation will solidify your commitment to hubby and also allow you to have a guilt-free good time by following the rules.

Above all else, be honest with yourself. I sense apprehension in your letter, and if you're nervous that this additional time with your lover will damage your civil union — be smart and don't do it. Your primary relationship should be your primary concern, and a young lover shouldn't cloud your judgment (no matter how much he worships your 50-year-old bod).

Sexing smart,
MM

Quick and Dirty

Last week we revealed the results of our biennial Sex Survey of readers. In addition to telling us all your intimate details — which include a peculiar new trend of whacking it into your coworkers' wastebaskets — some of you submitted questions to me that I will be answering here over time. A handful of you, though, had quick-and-dirty questions. I've compiled the answers here for your reading delight.

What do I do if I decide I don’t want to swallow?
Let him take aim at your chest, behind or face. If all else fails, spit.

Where would you send someone looking to meet other kinky people locally?
Vermont kinksters host several “munches” per month, or public meetups where pervy people can mix and mingle without any pressure to perform. Most are listed on Fetlife.com — a kinky social-networking website. Kind of like Facebook, only way more fun...

Do you have a wastebasket in your office? Would you let me masturbate into it?
Yes, I do — and, no, you may not.

What if I get hot just reading the survey questions?
If you get hot just reading these questions, you’re a normal, sexual being — and any sex partner would be lucky to have you.

Do sex toys wear out? Our “little friends” are burning our butts! They didn’t when they were new.
Yes, toys wear out! Be sure to read the instructions and fine print on every toy you buy — clean them properly and adhere to the storage directions. And, for crying out loud, if your toys are burning your butts, THROW THEM AWAY!

How do you make love last?
Communication, dedication, patience and a sense of humor.

If you have a burning desire to ask me a question about love and lust, don't hesitate to email me (see right for link). Whether the question be long or short, I'm happy to answer — I'm not a size queen.

Short and sweet,
MM

This Sucks

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I am terrible at giving head. I don't know what it is, but I simply cannot do it. It gags me and hurts my jaw terribly. Yet I continue to try, because my boyfriend loves it. He's an incredible lover, and I want to give him what he deserves. Is there some kind of blow-job secret I haven't tried yet?

Signed,
This Sucks

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Dear This Sucks,

If your boyfriend "loves it," you're probably not terrible at giving head. That said, if you're not enjoying it, you're under no obligation to keep going down on him — you should never, ever have to endure unwanted pain to have great sex. Have you shared your oral obstacles with him? If he really is an incredible lover, he will listen to your concerns and work with you to find a solution. For instance, you could alternate short stints of sucking with using your hand (hand jobs really are a lost art form…).

If you're determined to keep trying, perhaps you should think about positioning. If he's lying on his back or sitting while you're coming at him from above, his erection is most likely pointed straight into the roof of your mouth, forcing you to jut your lower jaw out to accommodate him. Instead, try a 69 scenario where he’s positioned to slide easily toward the back of your throat without you having to unhinge your jaw. If gagging is an issue, wrap your hand around the base of his penis, effectively shortening the amount of his member you take in. And, hey, with him also being able to give you pleasure in this position — you may forget your blow woes altogether. 

See ya later, sucker,
MM